“You’ll change your mind when you are older!” is something young people often hear when they mention they don’t want kids. Did this happen to you? Or did you start out wanting kids but decided in your thirties that they weren’t for you after all?

How old were you and how did it happen?

31 comments

  3. No, but my ex-wife did. I didn’t marry until 35, she was 34. We took a few years to really come to a conclusion about kids, and didn’t get married till we were certain that we didn’t want them. About 4 years into our marriage she changed her mind. I did not. We divorced, she remarried and had a little chilrens at 46. She’s happy. I’m happy.

  4. When I was getting close to 40 I had a little bit where I reconsidered it. No one to take care of me in old age, no one to carry on my name, the house felt kind of empty, etc.

    I searched my feelings and decided it was just me thinking “I could raise kids better than these other idiots” and the moment passed. I know some people that have kids that seem like they go out of their way to make the wrongest decisions, that’s all.

  6. I’ve always wanted kids, as long as I can remember. In college I wanted kids some time in the future. We planned to have two kids, and did, and a couple years later decided to have a third.

  8. I did. All through my 20s and into my early 30s, really didn’t want kids. Slowly as I got older and started to think about things in different terms, really liked the idea of having a family (not just a wife) and being able to create an awesome childhood for someone and share the world with them.

    That was a few years ago. Now, have kids and fucking love a father and a dad. It has been the most difficult, rewarding experience of my life and completely pales in comparison to anything else I’ve ever experienced.

  9. I did not want kids under any circumstances when I was younger (20’s – early 30’s).

    Then I went on a date with my current wife. On our first date something popped into my head that said “I’m going to marry her. I want to have kids with her. She’d be a great mom.” And I did, I did, and she is. I was 34 at the time. Totally bizarre IMO.

    We only had our first kid when I was 43, but it’s been great. I am VERY glad I was older too, as I have a lot more patience with them. We now have 2 kids, and a 3rd on the way, and it’s very nice.

  10. Had twins at 31, they’re 2.5yo right now and are my little solid rocks in life. The mother and i split about 6mo’s ago and things are going alright. Not how i imagined things would go but there is no set way to do things and new things are on the horizon.

  12. Nope.

    I just turned 40 this year and my wife is older. We have zero regrets concerning our choice to not procreate.

    I think that “you’ll change your mind when you are older” is a more relevant thing to say to someone who is 18-25 but once you hit your late 20’s my guess is that the percentage of people who go back on their decision wanes considerably…could be wrong, though.

    That being said….it should be you MIGHT change your mind and not WILL…it’s just plain rude to insinuate that you understand another’s feelings better than they do.

  13. See the edit below, it makes more sense than the disjointed ramblings I managed to tap out on my phone.

    ~~I’m now in my late 30s.~~

    ~~At some point I think I wanted kids simply because it was the default choice. As I’ve grown older I realize that I don’t want kids; I don’t want the expense, responsibility, or to put my life on hold for 20 years. I’m quite happy without kids, I feel fulfilled and satisfied with my life. My life is about to enter a new period that I hope will allow me to travel to places I’ve never been, but having kids will derail all of those plans.~~

    ~~I’m not interested in passing on my name, for the most part we got past the importance of bloodlines generations ago. I have actually considered taking my wife’s name, because either is far less distinctive than my own. I am creating my legacy through my work, I won’t have my name on any buildings, but I think I’m making a difference in people’s lives.~~

    ~~Then there is the ecology to consider. By adding another person to the planet, especially in the US, I am doing incredible harm to the species as a whole. We can’t sustain the people we already have and I am not optimistic about our future in a collapsing ecosystem given the latest estimates of a world population approaching 10 *billion* within my lifetime. I think it would be incredibly selfish to have a child knowing that child will not be better off than I am and will be living in a crumbling world while hastening the destruction of the biome by adding to the problem.~~

    **EDIT:** Now that I’m on a proper computer and not my phone, I can clarify.

    I don’t personally see the importance of passing on a name or a lineage, it doesn’t really mean anything to me and seems archaic. One of the things I imagined for my children was being able to give them a better life than I had – and I had it pretty damn good. The problem is that I don’t see that happening, given my career choice in social services I won’t be able to provide the next generation with anything even close to what I had growing up. Legacy is a strong motivator, I have decided to create my legacy by helping families through my work and making a positive impact on the lives of as many people as I can.

    I have been repeatedly criticized for being “selfish” for *not* wanting children, which makes no sense to me. These are the same people who use arguments like “who will take care of you when you are old?” to try to convince me to have children. Honestly, I don’t know who will take care of me, but that seems like the definition of “selfish”.

    At this point in my life, I don’t want to have children and I don’t see that changing. I will be in my late 50s *at best* by the time they launch out of the nest (assuming we get pregnant immediately, which is unlikely since my wife just got an IUD), and that is assuming they don’t bomerang back home. Given the trajectory of college tuition, I won’t be able to guarantee them a good education, so they will graduate with crippling student debt.

    As for the ecology component, I do think that this is an important factor to consider. Ocean acidification, global climate change, and scarcity of resources like food and water are projected to worsen for the next generation. Companies are already positioning themselves to control potable water and the DOD has accounted for food and water shortages in their long term strategic planning. Right now we are doing little to nothing to address these problems and I don’t want to pass the mess on to my kids to sort out.

    I know this post is already on it’s way down, that’s fine. This is just one perspective and I am not telling anyone else what to do for their family. I’m just explaining my mindset and how I came to be where I am; this was not an emotional or hasty decision on my part, I have considered a variety of factors and my own responsibility to that hypothetical child and come to the conclusion that I would be irresponsible to have children. At one point I looked forward to being a father, to sharing the wonderful experiences I had with my father with my own children; unfortunately the world has changed since I was a child and I am no longer confident enough to bring a child into a world where I question the very foundations that determine that child’s quality of life long after I am gone.

    I recognize that this will push the buttons of a lot of parents; please hear me when I say I am in no way passing judgement on anyone else. Deciding to have children or not is a very personal one and it is not my place to tell you what you should or should not do. This is only how I came to a decision that I feel comfortable with, others are in a different place and may be able to make guarantees to their children that I can’t.

  14. Yes I changed my mind as I approached 40.

    Right now I am approaching 40 and trying to get a sitter for my 3 kids tonight is making me reconsider my life choices.

  15. We have two kids. We talk about how our lives would be so much easier with free time and the piles of money we would have šŸ™‚

    Children are awesome, but stressful. As a parent you always worry, will they walk, will they talk and develop normally, will they be good in school? Will they be safe? Will they die before me? šŸ™

    Its so much worry it exhausting….

    Yet there is so much love, intrigue, fun, inside jokes and games, tenderness…

    Its a beautiful nightmare, not suited for everyone

  18. Having a kid changed my mind about having more. Don’t get me wrong, I love my son and will be the best dad I can for him, but I never realized how much I loved my life before being a parent.

    Maybe I will adopt a slightly older kid, but I don’t think I want to experience the baby years again.

  19. I was against having kids for a short period in my 20s, but most of the time didn’t think about it much, just knew that now was not the time. I got married young and was enjoying my 20s alone with my wife. At 30 we weren’t trying as hard to avoid it, but weren’t trying either and it happened. I’m very glad it did – it’s tough a lot of the time but it’s a great challenge and knowing that someone loves you that much and needs you survive is humbling. When they are behaving well, having dinner with the wife and kids are some of the most enjoyable times in my life.

  20. I never consciously made a decision one way or the other. As the years went on, I just seemed less and less likely. I was with a woman for many years who did not want to marry or have children. I was fine with that as I didn’t think I wanted those things either. After that relationship ended (much later than it should have) I realized that I just didn’t want those things with *her*.

    Fast forward to a new relationship, I quickly realized that I did want those things, and she did too. I’m now 37 and married, and will be a father in July.

  21. I have a daughter from a previous marriage, so I’m not seeking any at the moment.

    My now wife says she doesn’t want them, but I’m patient because perhaps she changes her mind, or perhaps not, but I’m ok with both alternatives.

    Recently I told her, the decision about having kids should operate as the logical conjuntion AND.

    Where:

    INPUT OUTPUT

    T T -> T

    T F -> F

    F T -> F

    F F -> F

    And only when both parents are on the same page you should proceed, in all other instances –> FALSE.

  22. I changed my mind in my late twenties. I liked the idea of being a father theoretically, but had decided that I liked the idea of being independent from the responsibilities and financial strain of parenthood quite a lot more.

    Then I fell madly in love with a woman who was dead-set on having children, and the thing I wanted most in the world was to spend the rest of my life with her. If it was her+kids or no-her+no-kids, the pro/con tabulation was dramatically in favour of having children.

    We have two beautiful daughters now and I wouldn’t change anything.

  24. I haven’t really changed my mind, but all through my 20’s, having kids was a vague “sometime in the future” thing. Now, I feel like I’m about grown up enough that it wouldn’t *completely* destroy my life.

  25. I was not super interested. I think I felt like I “had” or “would” have a kid, but at some point in my mid-late 30s this definitely changed. Have a 2 year old now. Moms out and he just vomited over everything. Yes that sounds gross, but I feel so much for this little guy that I gladly napped on the floor holding his hand while he slept.

    Life with him is busy. Some things I loved from my past are less frequent these days (nights out)… but he provides so much more. Just seeing the world through his eyes is worth it.

  26. After being together 11 years my husband actually decided he wanted children. We had decided a year into our relationship that we did not want children. I was still very unsure though admittedly entertained the idea because of my love for him. About a year after that I very surprisingly got pregnant. I have to admit that even though I did not want children up to that point as soon as I got the positive test I warmed up to the idea. My son is now five months old and the light of my life. Couldn’t be happier and we are going to try for another one in April. I am 33 years old.

  27. I’m a 34 year old male. I’m like 80 percent sure I don’t want kids. However there are some days that I think I want at least one. I just don’t like babies but older kids (like age 5-12) is fine but obviously kids don’t stay the same age forever. This shit drives me mad… I wish I could just be 100 percent sure one way or the other of what I want. Sometimes I feel like I might miss out if I don’t have kids because most people say they love parenthood and couldn’t imagine not being a parent. I just hope I’m not 50 before I make up my mind. I’m just afraid if something happens to my spouse(when I get one) and I might end up being a single parent. I don’t see how most single parents don’t blow their brains out. It seems TERRIBLY hard

  29. I remember telling a couple of my friends in 10th grade that I didn’t ever want kids. I of course go a “you’ll change your mind.”

    I’m currently 32 and still have absolutely no desire to have them. Parenthood sounds like nothing but thankless drudgery.

  30. I am 34 and have a one year old. I didn’t want kids but my wife did. I kept putting it off hoping she would change her mind. She said it was have a kid or divorce. So we have a kid who I love a lot because I love my wife. I imagine this is fairly common.

  31. Had 3 kids between the age of 32 – 38. Those were great times when they were young! Lot of work? Certainly. Anything in life worth having is work. But I never laughed so long and hard as when my children were young. They connect you to the wider world. Now that they are adults, they require no work. Well, except the occasional dinner and drinks out and picking up the bill. But we still laugh and enjoy their company like nobody else.

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