(Super long, sorry!) I have known my husband since I was 16; I am now 36 and he is 38. We got married in December of 2020, but prior to that, we were not together for about 7 years – before then, together for 5 years and on and off in between the other years. I don’t know if that’s pertinent, but sometimes it feels like it might be.
We literally live, like many people today, actual paycheck to paycheck. **As of this moment, we have a total of $3.02 in our checking account and $0 in savings.** It has been so hard financially lately. We both have decent jobs but can’t seem to ever get above the water; we’re always just about at eye level. Rent is high; we have a car payment; gas is expensive; there’s a child in the house; we have other normal bills too. I was hoping my paycheck would show up early today as it usually does, but it didn’t. I work from home today, so I wasn’t entirely worried about gas or lunch – but my husband delivers packages all day, so he is mostly out all day. I know we require a different amount of “energy” for our jobs as mine is more sedentary, but I don’t think that makes a difference in what happened today because it has happened before even when he didn’t have this job. It will likely happen again.
Yesterday I gave him my last $5.00 in cash to use for today. His gas light was on so I assumed he would use it for gas to be able to at least get up to work. It’s about 6 miles away and he could have put a gallon in to get there. Once he’s there, he drives a work vehicle all day so it would have been no issue; and it’s nothing he hasn’t done many times before (put $3.00 in just to get somewhere!). But instead, today he decided to call his job and tell them that he had no gas and couldn’t make it up the hill. I know he wanted them to say it was fine, turn around and go home, but instead they offered to send someone down with gas and they’d take it out of his check next week. Yesterday he had to go to urgent care because he dropped a weight on his finger at the gym last week and his finger is still hurting, so they wrapped it at urgent care. I told him to tell work he just couldn’t come because of this; it wasn’t a lie – but instead, he asked for a handout, and I think it’s entirely embarrassing. I am now sitting here questioning our whole marriage because he **EXPLODED** on me when I said so. I am upset because instead of using the $5.00 for gas, he wanted to use it for food because he’d be “starving” later. Let me tell you, starving is the last thing we are. We have food at home and he also took oatmeal and tuna with him to work. **He didn’t want to use it for gas because he’s worried about going to the gym later and not having enough energy to do so because he didn’t eat enough today (more on the gym later here…)** He chose to embarrass himself and inconvenience his boss to bring him gas so that he could go to the gym later… such great planning, right? The gym is the only thing he’s ever taken this seriously in his entire life and it’s frustrating because he could be so much more if he weren’t always on a quest to be a “bigger man”. Also important here: Every morning, he spends at least $12-$15 on breakfast from his favorite corner store-restaurant; the again at lunch, probably around the same amount. He spends excessively every day on food so never once or today, would he have “starved”. I have gone an entire day until dinner to eat because we didn’t have money for a lunch out, or I brought something from home to work with me. People do that, you know.
While they’re not my co-workers and I don’t know them like he does, I have been in HR for 15 years now. I know how employers can look down on their employees when they continuously put themselves in situations like this or display certain behaviors, which my husband tends to do. He has only worked there for a few months and has been absent several times or shared information that has no weight at work, when self-admittedly, he says it’s the best job he’s ever had. Prior to this job, he had at least 5-7 different jobs where he only stayed a month or so at each – this is just with us being back together since 2019. A couple of jobs prior, he was working at a warehouse where it was also “the best job I’ve ever had.” *And guess what?* He got fired! At a funeral! While I would never have done that to an employee during such a tough time, I completely get it on the owner’s end. We attended 2 funerals that week and his supervisor (not the owner) told him he could take as much time off as he needed. However, he did not communicate with them or tell him when he’d be out or returning – he just assumed it meant he could, literally, take as much time as he needed, but that’s never what that means when your employer says so. The supervisor didn’t communicate with the manager, so they assumed, as a new employee only working there less than a month or so, that he wasn’t taking the job seriously. They called him after several days of him being absent and he said, “I’m at a funeral right now, I was planning on returning tomorrow” but they fired him over the phone anyway. He was very understandably hurt, and I didn’t want to say “I told you so” but I told him in some form, that he probably should have just kept in touch with them on when he’d be returning. He’s still stewing about it and that was months ago.
He also has the habit of borrowing weed. He will get it from his friend and then pay him back the next time he gets paid. For the past couple of months, he’s been doing this almost weekly. He will also share information with this same friend, about our financial status, like “I’m broke” or “I’m negative, let me hold something” (weed); then in the next conversation, talk about downloading a $12 Switch game. This friend just bought a house with his fiancée, they have 3 teenagers, a brand-new truck, money for a lot of extras and fun… a seemingly easygoing life… They do not struggle and that’s great for them, but I do not like when he shares information with his friend about our lack of ease. It’s embarrassing as almost 40-year-old adults, that we can’t get it together – but it’s especially embarrassing to me as his wife, that he doesn’t see this. It’s embarrassing that he spends every last penny on prepared meals for breakfast, lunch, and often dinner if he’s going to the gym, or video games, when he knows very well it’s the weed he can’t go without and will beg and borrow to get even a $5 bag. When he knows there are people who are actually starving.
When I mentioned this (calmly) after I called him to see if he made it to work, he started **SCREAMING** at me saying I wasn’t going to make him feel bad about this and cut me off from responding by hanging up. I called back and told him not to hang up on me, I was furious. I wasn’t trying to rub it in, I wasn’t angry when I initially called. I became angry when he said, “these are not your people” and hung up on me. I was angry because he’s always dismissing me unless it’s something that’ll please him.
They’re not my people, right – nor are they yours. They are your employer. You have inconvenienced them by asking them to bring you gas so you could get your car up the hill. **YOU CHOSE NOT TO USE THE $5 FOR GAS BUT INSTEAD SAVE IT FOR FOOD LATER BECAUSE YOU THOUGHT YOU’D BE “STARVING” BEFORE THE GYM.** *That is ridiculous.* He said, “in this market, it’s not embarrassing to ask for help.” The market has nothing to do with it! You don’t need help! It’s your repeated foolish choices and you can’t see that, which upsets me the most. Yesterday on the highway, we saw a man with a sign asking for money and he started talking about how he’d never do that – he’d steal before he begged… but you’re begging this way – making people feel sorry for you, using excuses, copping out, not stepping up. The comment was also geared towards his friend who he “borrows” the weed from. He said, “you don’t hang out with him, you don’t need to be embarrassed!” But I do, I am. I see the way he acts towards us or others who aren’t in the same place he is (36-40, owning a house, settled down, money to save). I see how people treat people like us. I know what they think of us. And really, we don’t need to be like this. We need to do better.
I am so, so sick of my husband resorting to insults or “they’re not your people” whenever I mention something that I thought he could have improved on, which is generally only money or work-related. I am aware his best friend isn’t my friend – he doesn’t need to be, I didn’t know him prior nor is his wife someone I would hang out with separately. That is fine, but I have gone to every event he’s asked me to go to for them. I have bought food and gifts and I have socialized. I never turn him down and I am never rude. I enjoy the outings and I don’t complain… but suddenly when I say you’re acting like an idiot, our entire relationship is wrong and “these are my people”. I’m so fucking insulted and hurt. Mostly hurt. It’s so upsetting.
This all ties to the gym too. Back in November 2021, he started going 3-4 days a week with a (now former) co-worker in hopes of gaining weight. He’s on the smaller side for a man, 5’3” and his normal weight is 125. This co-worker is obsessive about the gym and his muscles – he’s a big guy – so my husband values his advice and needs a partner for lifting, which I get. He’s gotten up to 140 and has been happy about this. He looks good and I’m proud of him, however, I think the amount of time he spends at the gym is excessive for someone who is married. If he were single (like his co-worker is \[and also only 25 years old!\]), it would be completely fine, but it really doesn’t work for our relationship. We fought about it a lot at first, but I’ve just bit my tongue during the last few months to avoid arguments because he thinks he’s doing me a favor by not going every day “like you’re supposed to”. He does not go after work; he comes home for about an hour and smokes, then changes and leaves at 6PM and doesn’t return until 8PM. He then sits down to eat and play a video game, then smoke again, play some more then come into bed at around 10-10:30. Sometimes we’ll have sex; usually we don’t – he generally falls asleep shortly after coming into bed. Then we wake up at 6:00 AM and repeat. On the 2 weeknights that he doesn’t go to the gym, we eat dinner together at around 5:30-6. On the 3 nights that he goes, I adjust my cooking time and don’t eat dinner until after 8:00. Then we go to bed at 10. I do not like that. I do not want to eat and go right to bed. Nor does my daughter want to wait until 8 to eat dinner so I often end up giving her a separate dinner, which I also hate. I don’t want the only time I spend with my husband each day, to be spent quietly eating dinner and watching each season of Married… With Children in succession until we move onto a new series… **ALL THE TIME.** I deserve more. But because “fitness has always been my life”, I can’t say anything to him or I risk being a complete asshole. I can’t have any desires because I don’t go to the gym. I can’t talk about the gym or his obsession because I am on a different path of losing weight rather than gaining it. I can’t say, hey, I have a 9-year-old kid who needs my attention, I have to cook, I have to get her ready for school, I have to wash your fucking white t-shirts… **I CANNOT SAY ANYTHING** or it turns into today. I’m just at a loss on what to do – *nothing ever changes.* It’s always his way or nothing. He will bully me into thinking I’m in the wrong and I’ll end up apologizing. It’s an awful cycle and this morning, I honestly considered packing his shit up and putting it out on the sidewalk and telling him to fuck off. He’d be **NOWHERE** without me and I’m not even bragging.
I do everything in our relationship, I am not exaggerating. The only thing he has to do is work and take the trash out. I rarely ask him for help with chores. I do all of the laundry and the dishes. I cook. I shop. I pay the bills. I make appointments. I keep everything organized. I very rarely complain about his gaming or weed habits. I don’t give him a hard time about anything, I leave him alone and recognize he’s an adult – I can’t hover. I am a typical wife and I don’t ask for much at all, but maybe that’s the issue. I’m tired of my opinion not counting when it doesn’t suit him. When it isn’t time to make him a doctor’s appointment or scramble to find him money for food or gas or a video game or weed. When it’s not time to watch a movie at 11PM if the mood strikes him or have sex when he’s horny (that’s another post for another day, me actually being the one to initiate sex). I have no say in anything else. My opinions don’t count but “you’re the smartest person I know” until I say something he doesn’t agree with and then suddenly, I’m some idiot loser who sounds “stupid”.
We have a really weird relationship; we never leave each other alone – we’ve never been able to. I don’t know if I’m ready to permanently leave him. I’m mostly not prepared for an explosive 3-day long argument to solve this and it going nowhere in the end. I’m not willing to argue and scream in front of my daughter anymore. I’m not able to move right now, neither is he with our combined net-worth of $3.02. We’re supposed to go to Maine next weekend for the holiday; we’ve already paid for half of the hotel. I don’t want to ruin my daughter’s summer start. I don’t want to argue. I want to be valued and I’m just sick of feeling worthless because he feels he never does anything wrong or can improve his actions or behavior. I am not a saint, but I can say that I genuinely, whole-heartedly, really try hard in our marriage, and in my life overall.
I am open to counseling, but I don’t know how to coordinate that with our work schedules. I don’t even know if it would be beneficial because he isn’t entirely open to it. We also need to come up with a budget to stop these financial disasters because I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t walk around with my head down all the time and my mouth shut because he thinks I’m wrong. I love him to death, but I don’t know what to do anymore.
36 comments
I only read the first few paragraphs to be honest.. too long. But I think your stress is causing you to overanalyze and react. He didn’t want to call into work, that’s respectable. A heck of a lot more respectable than calling out, he was getting money from his paycheck forwarded for gas. Yall seriously need to rebudget tho. Get rid of the car payment, get a cash beater to drive until you can save up, get 2 jobs, listen to Dave Ramsey, this is not sustainable.
I’m so sorry, but he is a bum and he’s comfortable with being a bum. As long as he can get what he needs/borrow/scrape by he’s okay with that.
I would go home to family, or even find a shelter and do what I gotta do until I can get into another place. I would leave him right where he at and be gone in the wind!
There’s a lot going on here. While your husband has quite a few issues here that I’ll mention, I think you should stop giving him unprompted advice, and I feel like several of your statements come off as extremely judgmental. I don’t see anything wrong with him accepting help from work so he could get there, it looks better that he would accept the help in order to get to work instead of stay home. It sounds like you struggle with pride when it comes to things like this and you need to work on that.
But your husband clearly has an anger problem he needs to work on. I’m a bit confused about your financial situation – you have $3 and can’t buy gas, but you guys are going on a trip next weekend? You need to budget ASAP and get yourselves to a more comfortable financial situation before wasting money on trips like this. If you are struggling financially, have you applied for food stamps or other help? You could also probably get cheaper or free therapy/counseling.
one thing i will say is you pay way too much to what other think instead of solving the issue. way too judgement against your husband. this is probably way he does alot of the stuff he does. he cant come to you because you will judge him instead of work together with him. also cut out expenses you dont need. a car is one of them
I can certainly understand why you are upset. He doesn’t seem like a man who takes responsibility for providing for his family. As a husband this guy doesn’t have a clue.
There’s so much I could comment on I wouldn’t even know where to start. For one thing if you two are paycheck to paycheck why is he eating out everyday? That’s over $800 a month (Almost $10,000/yr) right there because he’s lazy and can’t meal plan.
The only thing that’s going to save this marriage is for you two to get on the same page ASAP and work 100% towards a shared vision and map out a plan for what that looks like. He needs to grow up and take responsibility for himself and your family, the thing is he needs to realize this and do it. If he took the amount of energy he spends on the gym and video games he could easily do this.
For example, there’s a huge trade worker shortage right now. He could get on a track to make $60k+ a year if he focuses on career goals.
My family’s benefited a lot from listening to Dave Ramsey (podcast and YouTube videos) and doing a budget. While I don’t agree with him 100% he’s right about worth ethic and taking responsibility.
Best of luck
So, y’all can afford weed and a gym membership, but are broke af with a child and you’re nearly 40? It sounds like you guys need to reevaluate what you spend money on. Too much “fun” ($15 daily breakfast, weed, gym, etc.) with far too little focus on being responsible.
You are putting way more thought into this relationship than he is. I know sometimes it’s like that, but this imbalance seems quite prolonged. Your resentment will make you physically sick, eventually.
It may be a blow out, make sure your kid is being baby sat somewhere else, but it sounds like it’s time for ultimatums toward therapy for both of you, together or you need to make plans to free yourself and daughter from his influence until he grows up.
Wow. I feel for you. In so many ways your husband is like my ex-wife. I was sooooo frustrated.
Reading this, I totally understand your frustration. At the same time, he’s not going to change and your choice is black and white: learn techniques to live peacefully internally with your own frustration, or leave and live life on your own. For me, I stayed for 15 more years until eventually she left me; to be honest, life is so much easier without her since I had to only be responsible for my own decisions not hers too; I wish I’d left years ago, but I made my choice and I stayed (I’m so grateful though that it ended). You have to make your own decision.
It was easier for me to live with my ex wife after I had a serious illness. I started going to therapy, doing yoga, and worrying less about making ends meet and more about just being in the moment. All the same issues and irresponsibility were still around me but I just fid what I could and I was otherwise living in a peaceful bubble of contentedness. If you decide to stay, I’d try to find some techniques.
It sucks to be married to a child. But you won’t change them. So ultimately you have to decide for you. Only you can know what’s best.
Take care. You have all my sincere best wishes and empathy.
Why the fuck is he eating take out multiple meals a day when you’re broke? What the actual fuck? He can’t make a goddamn peanut butter sandwich?
How the fuck do these guys have wives?
So you married a man who is irresponsible with money and can’t live without weed (that’s sickeningly pathetic), and can’t fathom packing a damn lunch instead of spending $30 a day eating out, while you buy the little things other people do (who probably have handle on finances which you don’t)? Did I get that right? He was like that before you married him, why are you shocked he throws fits and spends money now? Why are you buying “little” crap that you guys can’t afford? You can’t afford a trip to Maine. You can’t afford polar pops and whatever else. He’s not gonna change. You’re not gonna change. Take your paycheck and save half in a different account. Save it. Don’t spend it at all. Then leave him after a few checks of saving. Ya all are never gonna work out if all he does is spend and throw tantrums. Next time don’t marry or even date irresponsible men who act like their 16 or one who is selfish and can’t live without weed.
Reign in the spending and if he doesn’t stop with his $15-$30+ a day fast food spending right now, you need to open your own account without him on it and have your paychecks direct deposited into that so he has no access. Let him sink on his own. If he runs out of money for stuff he wants, well that’s too bad, suffer until payday. Do not give him money even if he begs. You also mentioned that you can’t “leave each other alone”. This is highly suggestive of a toxic, codependent relationship. Not a loving one. Unless you live in a metropolitan city with a high cost of living, $100k should NOT be a paycheck to paycheck income. You also need to worry less about what other people think of you.
I’m sorry but you have a choice whether to live like this or not. If you have to leave him to have a better – more secure financial life – for you and your child, you should do it. He either doesn’t understand or worse, doesn’t care, what his spending does to his family. He will have his convenience store breakfast and snacks to the determent of his family. That is not a good husband nor father.
The worst part is that he has no intentions of changing, which would be my deal breaker here. You would be better off financially and mentally if you left and divorced him. The mental toll this is taking on you is unreasonable but unlikely to change unless YOU change something.
He is not going to change because he sees nothing wrong with what he does or the fact that **he places your family in peril every single day just to get what he wants**. That is unacceptable.
The suggestions on how to save and budget better is purely facetious. These suggestions will NOT help her , if he continues to recklessly spend and not maintain employment as he should. He’s not even considering being financially responsible knowing that he has a child to provide for.
This will not NOT work if she budgets and saves if he’s just going to spend without considering and giving a damn about his responsibilities. The onus is definitely not entirely on her. Next suggestions is going to be deny him access to the cards so he can’t spend. There’s no way in hell I’m going to be putting in labor to save, budget, on top of working and then gotta babysit bank accounts.
There’s no way yall in these comments excusing a big grown ass man that is okay with barely meeting the bare minimum.
Don’t give him money, let him suffer his own consequences
This is a lot of He, Him and He and absolutely no I statements. You chose to be in an off and on relationship. You chose to marry into an unstable relationship. You chose to have a child. You chose to contribute to financial instability when you hand over $5 to someone who has proven they’re unreliable. You chose a car payment. You chose not to budget.
You are acting like you’re powerless and defenseless but you are an equal participant. If my spouse was this irresponsible you best believe I’m doing all I can to protect my child. Separate bank account, my own budget, I’m not handing money over to my spouse and I’m doing the best I can by myself since my spouse doesn’t want to.
You all are a team. I highly suggest no gym, you said it’s paid for with an FSA but FSA funds usually come out of your paycheck which means you’re paying for it, no car payments and rigid budget. Y’all can’t afford to have fun right now. $3 in checking and no savings isn’t fun. Financial advisor and counseling.
I’m so sorry but you might be better off taking your child and moving in with family or friends until you get on your feet
I quit reading halfway through because like.. girl, what are/were you thinking? This is an insane relationship, with no communication, and you cannot save anything. You two both need help, perhaps a financial planner and a marriage counselor? Cancel the gym, see if the FSA will pay for the counselor.
You married a child. Children are irresponsible and selfish and expect their mommy to take care of them. I wouldn’t give him money again. He sucks. Tell him to be better.
I’ve been there. After it got better the first time I told myself never again would I or our kids struggle so badly for my husbands bad money decisions and I started to hide my money from him (I know how this sounds) it started with a few dollars at a time and slowly it grew and as expected thing got tough again when he lost his job. I had enough saved so that we could still buy groceries and stuff, he never goes to the store with me so I could use that extra money I had to get everything we needed without him knowing exactly how much I spent. Once it got to the point he couldn’t afford thing for himself anymore, which in your husbands case would be take out meals, weed an gym, he actually got off his ass and got a real job. I still hide that money from him which he has never found out about and I still add some every week… just in case.
With all due respect, if you are doing everything and legit running to make ends meet unlike your husband, what’s the point of being in the relationship? Isn’t marriage about two people working together and making a life for themselves. From reading the post, this sounds extremely unsustainable and dysfunctional. My entire family income is less than yours (keep in mind, we have four adults working) yet we all have adequate savings and extra money to enjoy ourselves. You either need to 1) leave him, 2) get your finances straight or stay stuck in this cycle of misery. You do not need to go on vacation with $3 in your savings. It is not a necessity so why spend money on it when you don’t have any? I’m assuming your child is still relatively young (below the age of 12). When she gets older and school gets more expensive, how do both of you intend on providing for her? Your poor daughter is stuck between the two of you and it’s gonna affect her life and ultimately, her education. She has a right to be like other kids, go on field trips or out with her friends. Maybe even get her cool toys and gadgets. She’s eventually gonna go to university/college or at least want to. How will you be able to fund that? She may even resent you if you make her start working early to provide for herself. Please figure out your situation quick otherwise, you’ll lose everything. Best wishes OP!
It doesn’t matter how much you love someone or how good of a marriage you have, when you are broke, it’s going to cause severe problems in multiple aspects of your life.
You won’t begin to address any relationship issues until you dig out of the hole you guys are in.
This is a chronic issue, it’s not just a 2022 inflation issue. You don’t budget, you live beyond your means, you don’t have savings, any tiny little thing causes epic fight explosions.
The conversations the two of you have that lead to fights, would not in any way look the same or cause the same stress if the income/outgo situation was completely different.
I urge both of you to schedule a time to sit down and talk about money, finances, your future, and future goals for you as individuals, as a couple, and as parents. What needs to change today to make those future dreams and goals come true, and you are going to agree you are on the same team working for the same goals and not at odds?
You both don’t budget and you both live beyond your means. He just does it in a different way than you. And the stress of the money causes you to get mad at how he looks at it different.
But the reality is you both need to change. You both are the reason the bank account has $3 in it and you guys are one emergency away from being bankrupt. One broken furnace, one blown tire, one ER trip, or one car accident away from your whole life no longer being manageable.
The marriage issue IMO is a symptom of the money.
Stop worrying about the gas issue or the $5 food issue, those are not major issue. The mooney is the issue. Not being on the same page is the issue. Not planning and budgeting together and getting yourself in a safe and unstressful financial place is the issue.
I recommend The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. It seriously will function as much as marriage counseling for you guys as it will with helping with the money issues.
Protein shakes, banna, and make egg white breakfast burritos on the weekend. Freeze the burritos then thaw out the night before and eat them the next morning.
You now have $300 back in your budget. Bad habits die hard and it’s easier said than done but give it a shot.
If I were you I’d pack his breakfast the night before. It sucks and you shouldn’t have to do it but if that $300 goes toward your child so be it in my opinion.
It sounds like you married a man child. This is painful. I feel bad for you 😩
I’m in a marriage now looking to ger divorced from an emotional abuser. And a 56 yr old man who acts 25. It is tough.
My husband is a bit like yours, I am currently trying to get him to stop eating breakfast & lunch from gas stations and vending machines. He won’t prepare his own breakfast or lunch, nor will he use the microwave at work because he said it is gross and never cleaned. My son and I stayed up late the other night baked muffins for his breakfast and packed him cold lunches for the entire week. All he has to do is grab them on the way out in the morning. We will continue to do this for him because as a family it’s important to stay in budget. There is usually a wayward soul in every family that thinks the rules/budget doesn’t apply to them. In both our cases, it’s our husbands. To make up for the extra effort & time required to keep him in line, unload something on him that won’t affect you or your kids… stop doing his laundry, stop putting his clothes away, don’t pick up his messes or move them to his bed pillow or gaming area if they bother you, don’t clean his bathroom sink, place the garbage cans behind his vehicle on garbage day so he has to pull them to the curb for pickup, etc. Don’t talk to him about it, just do it, he will get the message. My husband is both ADHD and depressed. It took 15 years to get him on antidepressants, and I think our sons losing respect for him is what finally pushed him over the edge to get help. We have warned my husband twice that his daily spending on convenience food from gas stations and vending machines is eating up a quarter of our monthly food budget. If our current system doesn’t work, we will ask for his credit card and hand him a cash allowance for the week. There is no arguing anymore, just consequences for behaviors that aren’t in the best interests of the family unit.
Soooo your husband is the “mooch” in the group of friends? Because he sounds like the mooch that everyone dreads seeing come around because he’s always asking for something 🤷
Question for you ~ do you want to continue living your life like this? Because you do realize it’s not going to change right?
You married a child who is not going to grow up. This is it. I feel for you but either you will accept that he is your lot in life or you will get free from this path.
Girl… Why are you with someone that doesn’t prioritize your well-being AT ALL? from everything you just wrote here, your partner appears to be lazy, entitled, manipulative, and narcissistic. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. This guy is telling you in every conceivable way that he literally does not give one single flying f*ck about being a responsible adult so my real question is, why are you allowing this?
Girl leave him! That is not the person you met when you were 16, neither of u are
The best solution is you deserve better. Peoples actions are telling.
**”Don’t be the author of your own misfortune.”**
Idk who said this, but this is you right now–you’re the root of your problems. At a certain point, you have to decide for yourself if your love for him is greater than your daughter’s/your financial security and stability, your own mental sanity, your desire to be equally yoked, your desires for your future life. Is it?
All the discussions and therapy in the world will not change a person who doesn’t actively choose to change. The thing is, that actually goes for both of you. He’s an irresponsible, immature, selfish, lazy, overspender who refuses to change. You’re an enabler, you lack boundaries, and you’re contributing to an unstable home for your daughter and yourself simply to keep this man around. The difference between you two is that you, at least, recognize that something is off. You know who he is. You’ve argued about the same things and he’s literally decided that he’s fine with the status quo and isn’t changing anything on his end. **The question is, what are you willing to do to change your situation if he does nothing at all?**
I guess I’m totally wondering why you are with him. It seems to me he is adding very little to your income, to your peace of mind, to your (and your child’s) quality of life. Yet he is a drain…has to have a gym membership, has to have pricey meals, his daily weed, won’t pull his weight in shared household responsibilities, won’t eat leftovers or meals from home. OP you would be so much happier, you would be financially solvent, you would be responsible for yourself and your child…not your man-baby if you kicked him out! Please OP, what you have is not a viable relationship.
I read your entire post. With the issues you were describing I really didn’t expect you guys to be making 100k a year, I thought you guys were in entry level fast food positions or something. This is absolutely insane and not sustainable. Your “husband” is essentially your second child. His behavior and mindset is horrible, but at the end of the day you can’t change him. You can only change yourself. Set boundaries and make changes- be firm. You are not in an equal marriage whatsoever. You need to stand up for yourself. You both need couples therapy and also financial counseling if you want to stay together. You don’t want to be 50 and dealing with these issues.
You cannot rehabilitate this financial mess alone, remind him that this is a partnership or let this marriage go. The lack of respect and cooperation is evident from your post… please don’t let this resentment poison your outlook OP. Every situation is fixable if your willing to put in the work, definitely get a financial counselor once he agrees to participate towards start saving. GL
You are married to a child who is refusing to grow up.
Time to start putting plans together for leaving. Get a therapist, and stay gone.
You say you’re not ready to permanently leave him, but has it ever occurred to you that your husband is holding you back? All your financial troubles are caused by him, it sounds like you’d do great without him! Not just financially, but emotionally too. The fact that you were on and off is pertinent, you wouldn’t be on and off if you were a better couple or if he was just a better person.