We are a newly engaged couple who was looking forward to getting married in March. After thinking about it though, I think getting married later in the year (or even next next year) would be better.
To explain, next semester is my last semester of grad school and I know it will be my busiest. I have 2 classes I teach to undergrads, am working on a certification for teaching, writing my thesis, and will have 3 classes of my own to worry about. In addition to this I can’t drive yet (I’m working on it) but I know cars are expensive so I would like to pick up another job to be able to afford a car, and I am also trying to study for the GRE so that I can get into a PhD program. I feel with all of this, I do not have time to plan a wedding/I do not want to stretch myself too thin (which I already believe I will be doing).
Mind you also, my fiancé and I are long distance, so I would like to move to close that gap after my final semester so we can be closer and plan a wedding together and I can get some experience being on my own (I haven’t lived outside of my parents house).
I also don’t think my fiancé quite understands how much weddings here cost, he’s from another country and he wants to pay for it all and says he has money for it but didn’t mention how much, and for what we wanted to do, it seems like 10,000 minimum is probably needed (we aren’t doing anything ridiculous for the wedding; it’s a wedding party of 30 people at a church then a private dinner at a restaurant).
I have mentioned my concerns to my fiancé but when I do he gets upset and always says things like “we agreed to a March wedding, why do we need to push it back more?” And it frustrates me because I don’t think he understands the burden that will be on us both, particularly me, trying to plan a wedding in his home state while I attempt to become more of an adult than I currently am. I’m excited to get married, but I’m more worried about the after part, and would like to at least wait until I have car, move out, and get a job near him to continue planning, which I plan on doing around Dec-Jan. My question is though, how do I address all of this to get him to understand my point of view and to potentially agree to something later when we both are more stable?
Tl;dr: My fiancé wants a wedding in March but I have a lot going on between now and then and am worried about finances in planning this wedding. How do I get him past his initial emotional reaction to postponing the wedding and get him to see it logically?
11 comments
I mean if he’s not willing to put the date back I’d question if he wants to be married or have a wedding because being married takes alot more effort than a wedding day. I’d approach this with alot of caution but if he won’t compromise you need to decide if it’s the hill you want to die on or not and how this reflects your relatioship overall and future issues you may face.
I have to say that a lot of this just sounds like you’re anxious or simply not ready for marriage. I mean, grad school is stressful (even if plenty of people juggle that and a wedding), but picking up a side job just sounds like a bad idea regardless and I don’t really see why spending a few months living with your fiance for vague reasons and buying a car first are priorities at all.
I think you need to get a little more specific about the financial issues with him but otherwise I can’t see any pressing reason to delay marriage when he doesn’t want that.
Honestly, I don’t think you should be engaged right now. You’ve got stuff going on and you have a plan-a good plan, being on your own two feet is a GREAT idea, you NEED to do that before you start a life with someone.
Your bf sounds far too pushy. Sorry, but I don’t like it.
Please do what you need to do for you here. You’re not asking for a lot. Do not let him strong arm you and push you to change your plans.
Where does he live that’s he’s concerned about his ability to stay in the US?
You just know a marriage is destined for failure when you can’t even have a simple conversation about a wedding date with a feeling of safety.
This should ve a very easy convo to have. If not… then bless you.
> it frustrates me because I don’t think he understands the burden
Your frustration isn’t that the wedding needs to move, OP – it’s that your new fiancé isn’t listening to you, doesn’t seem to plan very well, and this indicates some red flags about your long term life together.
These are pretty easy things to get right, you’ve got no obligations and lots of flexibility – and he’s not taking to heart your feedback. Life will only get more complex, Will his listening skills improve?
Based on the comments you’ve made I don’t think you’re ready for marriage. I think he may know this and that’s why he wants to get married as soon as possible. Your concerns are rational and valid. That he dismisses them is red flag behavior. He doesn’t have to agree with you for you to push the date back. You’re not ready and that’s okay. It’s best to take your time and be sure this is what you want.
Holy crap you guys should not be getting married. I mean from your comments it seems like you’ve never spent any real time together. There is a huge difference between seeing each other once a month and living together and being married. I mean personally I think it’s foolish to not live with someone before you get married but if you’re really going to look down on that at the very least you people need to be in the same damn City before you commit to spending your lives together.
Between this glaring issue and the fact that he refuses to compromise this is a mess.
Hmm……
In your comments, you mention that you have been long distance for two years, the entirety of your relationship. I don’t think that you two even have a foundation to think about marriage given that you have only seen each other once a month.
Trust your gut, you feel overwhelmed and rushed.
You two haven’t been in enough real life situations to know whether or not you are truly ‘ride and die.’ If you only see each other once a month, it’s like a romantic getaway with all the day-to-day concerns kept at bay. In my opinion, you two have no idea what it’s like to be in each other’s lives on a daily basis.
What I would do is extend or cancel the engagement all together. I’m not saying break up with the guy. Finish this semester, and move to his neck of the woods and set yourself up independently. You raise valid concerns that you have not had the adult living experience given your toxic parents.
He should be easing up given that you have valid concerns. If he truly wants to be with you, he would be willing to wait.
I recall a situation where a family friend’s daughter was dating this man for a few years. He is head over heels in love with her. He wants to marry her but she says no. Her childhood example of married life was not peachy. Her father relentlessly cheated on her mother and her mother was oblivious. She wanted no part in being married. So they decided to move in together. Eight years later with two or three kids, she proposed to him. The guy cried with happiness and of course said “Yes”.
My point is that you have valid reasons for postponing in general. A few months postponement is nothing given your timeline. Yet, I really don’t think that you should even be engaged at this point in your life. You are finally freeing yourself from the narcissistic yoke. You need to be in a place where you are in control without any other person’s two cents.
So, I would do as you plan. Move closer to him and get the apartment, job, driver’s license and car. Date him with your established safe place and find out how you two really mesh together when you can interact on a daily basis. If you get into a Phd program, where will it be and how will that affect the distance between you. So many variables at play right now, take the time to breathe.
If it comes down to a breakup, let it be.
You have smarts and a goal plan.
The more I think about it, take the engagement off the table and find out who you are without people telling you what you ‘should do’ or ‘how you should feel’.
Hugs and fight for yourself!
Because of his position in the church and green card issues he don’t want or can’t live together before marriage so that’s why he is rushing it. But he should be willing to give you whatever time you need to get yourself together living together and marriage are both huge steps. I would explain to him he can’t pressure you into these really big moves. You have to move at your own pace. The fact that he is somewhat manhandling the situation is a red flag.
Since you want to apply for a PhD, I think you should seriously reconsider the wedding/marriage. It’s hard to get into the PhD program of your choice – are there any universities in the town he lives in? How sure are you that you’ll get in? If you get accepted somewhere else, will he move with you, or will he be willing to do another 4-6 years of long distance?
What about kids? A friend of mine got pregnant in her first semester of a two-year program, and she dropped out at the end of the second semester. It’s 17 years later now, and she now has 3 kids, but never finished her masters degree. Will he wait to have kids? What will you do if you end up pregnant?
And the wedding, if it’s only a party for 30 people, would he be willing to plan it? You could get a checklist off the internet, and tell him that for each item you would like him to present you with 3 options, then he’ll have to contact/find local vendors and make sure the items are delivered on time. This could go two ways – either he will take over planning the wedding, and you will then have time to focus on your career, or he will realize how much work is involved, how much it costs, and agree to postpone the wedding.
Do you want marriage or a wedding those are 2 different things.