This is probably more suited for a psychology/autism group but at 33 and still incredibly single I’ve been doing the therapeutic work to figure out what my deal is, and in reading this sub and reflecting on my past I’ve realized – I don’t “want” anything, and don’t visualize the future as something I’m part of, and this is apparently a violation of a dating requirement??? So correct me if I’m wrong, tell me your experiences, help me understand this part of the human condition that I’m missing.
What is it like being with someone and wanting/visualizing a future with them? Do you imagine the expectation of a feeling and it becomes real? Do you imagine things happening and the idea of said things causes you emotions in the present? I keep bombing out of relationships and being told it feels like I don’t care/am trying to force it when it’s more that I just want to be happy with someone in the present and don’t ‘get’ at an emotional level what the anticipation of the future feels like or how you can plan for it. Like somehow I went from childhood on Earth to adulthood on Earth-2, where the cart goes in front of the horse.
Update: thanks everyone, it’s given me something to chew on as I try to figure out whether I’m qualified to date. Particularly appreciate the ASD responses, I feel less weird for not having any goals
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Relationships require each person to give the other the things they want/need. Even if you cannot envision a future with someone you have to do/say the things that make them feel it. If you choose to be with the other person you are choosing to fill this need for them, and they you.
Depending on what you are looking for, what you envision for a future will be very different. Don’t try to force your vision to be what someone else thinks it should be.
I don’t want any more children or to get married again, so I don’t envision a family with a partner. I don’t want pets, so I don’t envision pets in my future. While I’m open to cohabitation, I don’t need that in the near term, so that’s not what I think about when I think about a future with someone.
I do want a best friend and adventure buddy, someone to go and experience life with. So, when I envision a future with someone, it’s “Can I see myself riding my bike with this person?” It’s, “Can I see myself on the top of a mountain eating a sandwich while looking out over a valley with this person?” It’s, “Can I see myself on a plane with this person looking forward to a week trip of riding, hiking, climbing, kayaking, etc.?” Or, “Can I see myself cooking dinner with this person and spending a night playing board games before cuddling up and watching a movie?” That’s the kind of future I want and would envision with the “right” person. To some that wouldn’t sound like a future, it would sound just in the moment, but I want a lifetime of those kinds of experiences with my person, so that is a future to me.
The first thing you need to envision is your own future and your own plans. That’s where it starts. Does that future include a partner/spouse? What are your long term goals professionally, personally, retirement, traveling. Then, you find someone to merge into that. Yes, those plans can and will change with a partner, often requiring adjustments based on circumstances. This is how you envision a future with a partner.
Everyone is different; I am more of a “go with the flow” person and don’t care for marriage and kids, and I am open to either living together or apart, so for me I think more about things like, “In what context would this person fit into my life?” “What kind of activities would I like to do with this person in the short or long term?” “Can I see myself still not getting bored with this person even many years from now?”
The *majority* of people are dating because they actually want a future with someone. They want to make plans. They don’t want to die alone in their beds. If you can’t envision that with someone, you have to let those people go so they can find someone that shares those same wants and expectations.
Some people are adequately self sufficient enough that they don’t need a partner. And that’s perfectly OK!
Do know that certain tasks are easier to complete with more people. That’s why there’s an emphasis on teamwork. More people working together can accomplish things a solo person can’t do alone. This theme applies to relationships as well.
You hopefully can see the benefits of having a dual income home. You can also see the benefits of caring for young children when there are two of you. Even home renovations are easier with 2 people, versus trying to do everything by yourself.
But to get to that state, you have to rely and trust another individual. If you perhaps are on the spectrum, then this concept might be a bit wild to think about. Can we really rely on and trust another individual even though we think we can do everything ourselves?
This might not be something that can be answered by this group on Reddit. Are you working with a therapist on some of these issues? Maybe not, because that would require you to trust another individual, a professional therapist, to assist you.
Thus the cycle continues and goes on and on.
I think everyone is different here, and I can probably relate a bit more to your way of looking at it. I honestly have no fucking clue where I will be or do in 5 years time, and I don’t wanna stress about it now. I take each year as it come, and each decision. I allow the universe to give me opportunities that i latch on to. In 1 years time i might just say “fuck it” and buy a van and travel for 6 months, I honestly don’t know. This makes it a little hard for me when dating because I don’t really feel like having kids or buying a house. I do have a good career and a nice life, so im obviously not a complete mess.
And when it comes to a life partner then it has been quite hard for me to find someone with the same mindset. Most of them likes their life and wouldn’t wanna move, and I’m not sure i would be able to sign up to never leaving my current city. Feeling stuck is a big dealbreaker for me, which has made relationships hard.
But I would love to meet someone that I do enjoy now, and who would be open to my way of living. If they wanted to move somewhere, I would be keen on tagging along. It would be nice to be with someone that would enrich my life.
I also wanna make sure that this person is someone I feel safe with and would see myself living with. Are they someone I could wake up next to every day and be happy? And if they would wanna get married, i wouldn’t be against it. I would love a simple beach wedding somewhere 🙂
I do have ADHD so maybe that is why I hate feeling bored. My every day life isn’t chaotic or stressful, but I do like taking opportunities and chances in life, even if it might leave me chronically single 😀
So yeah, I kind of get you.
You captured my exact feelings and I’m 33 as well. I kinda just live day to day and that’s how I was with my ex too. I’m never having kids (I’ve been sterilized) so I don’t really need ti envision that future, and the rest just seems like…why do I need to plan it? I totally get planning when it comes to like moving in together or deciding if you’d like to go on vacation, but outside of that…I literally don’t know what else to plan. Maybe it’s depression on my side, or general apathy, but I’ve just never been “that girl” and I don’t know that I care that I’m not? Truthfully though I also spend money this way, I just spend on what I want and on other people and I’m not a good saver…like…at all lol. I know it probably annoys people that I just life live day to day but anything else kind of gives me unnecessary anxiety.
Is this really that abnormal? I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone else share this same lifestyle/opinion.
I think you should reexamine your premise, because the kind of planning and visualizing you mention is absolutely not a requirement for dating.
I also don’t understand how you got there from being told you don’t seem to care enough.
For me, imagining a future with someone means I can see how our values and goals align where I know we can be good partners to each other. Ie, I want kids, and I want someone who will be a good father and an equal partner in raising them, and I want someone who is dependable and stable and responsible, so I’m looking to see if they have their stuff together when it comes to saving, not being deeply in debt, they have career goals that wouldn’t be at odds with mine (ie, if he wants to go teach English abroad for 4 years, probably not gonna work if I’m stuck stateside, etc).
It’s about a number of factors that will ensure you’re able to have a life together.
Life has a tendency to throw curveballs and whenever I’ve envisioned my long term future things have turned out differently. As someone who is also on the autistic spectrum relationships are something I have struggled with although I did manage to keep one together for almost a decade, just keep practicing. I would say try to focus on your own future and what you want out of life. Discuss the big stuff with a potential partner like whether or not you want kids, whether you’re happy living where you are or would like to relocate some day, stuff like that. Try not to force the rest, just live one day at a time and keep doing what you like to do. If your partner wants to talk about the future just go with the flow, consider it like daydreaming of what could be, it doesn’t mean you HAVE to take that path, but have some aspirations.
I am autistic and the same way regarding future desires: they don’t exist to me. Drives my boyfriend up the wall as he plans everything.
Finally had to discuss it in plain terms even though it made me feel like a jerk: “yes, I am aware that I am in a precarious state financially. I am aware that my roommates could decide to sell their house at any time and I would be without a place to live within 30 days. I am still terrified about the concept of moving in with you because I can’t tell you how I would react, even though I am fairly certain I would actually be a very innocuous presence, I have many irrational fears. No, knowing all these things about myself does not mean I can “fix” them by “just not doing/just doing them. I still care for you and appreciate your consideration in this manner but I only escaped a state of constant anxiety by stopping caring about things I can’t immediately affect. It’s a work in (very slow) progress.”
Right now I am trying to prove to him that I am actually trying to be more responsible by addressing all the things I have put off. First pap smear of my life at the age of 33? Occurring tomorrow. Probably legally blind due to not getting new glasses for over 10 years? Actively working to address that, even though nobody wants to take my insurance. Next on the list is first haircut in over 10 years, and lowering my methadone dose with an eye toward quitting to have the option of starting a family.
For me, too many basic life functions have been left undone to even consider adding new things to address. I do want to want to care about my future, but I just don’t. Here’s hoping getting all the things I’ve been avoiding done carries over into upkeeping those things/results in more solidified future plans/desires. I want my boyfriend to be happy, sometimes that means changing my behavior, sometimes it’s just something he’s going to have to understand about me. I much prefer dating “normies” so I have to adjust for that where possible. I feel better the more I “mask” my autism, so it helps on both fronts. I concede that what works for me is not the way for all autistic persons.
With autism, one day at a time is often the way to go. Sometimes you want things for yourself, sometimes you want things for your partner, “changing” for someone else is not always a bad thing.
Sometimes we need to reexamine our home brewed “fixes” to our struggles in life: focusing on the future is more or less important depending on where you are in life. If you add another person to your life, future plans are going to come up, if your answer is honestly “I’m cool with what you (partner) wants” there’s nothing wrong with that (assuming a nonabusive, nontoxic partner.)
Don’t stress too much about it. Stick to simple choices over big, specifically detailed visions. Some people float through their whole lives, and it’s not as tragic from the inside as people act like it is. There’s a lid for every pot: you are somebody’s perfect somebody.
So, what I want for the future is:
1. To get married
2. To have 1-2 kids – I lean towards adoption due to my age and health
3. To continue living in Glasgow, Scotland – I want my kids to have their grandparents involved in their life and I want to be nearby to help take care of them when they are older
4. To retire at 60 – I am currently on track for this. I would be willing to retire a few years later than this but I don’t want to work until the day I die because the man I chose didn’t/couldn’t take care of his own finances
I look for men who want the same things. I agree though that this stuff is hard to talk about. A lot of guys seem to take any mention of kids to mean ‘I am a crazy person who will poke holes in your condoms’
Its a foreign concept to me. But you do want something. What are you doing in 5 yrs?
My sister and her husband have very similar temperaments, both obsessed with money, they make each others lives easier, bought a house, planning a family
If one day she decided “i hate getting up early, working hard and want to quit to be an artist” their union would crash and burn probably, no longer held together by shared goals
Future =shared goals shared life