I (M20) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (F20) for nearly 6 months. I truly love her and genuinely believe she is my soulmate. Unfortunately, she struggles severely with self image and is very self conscious. In the first couple of months she seemed pretty confident and seldom did she ever get down on herself about trivial things. Fast forward to now and it seems like everyday there is something that she is upset about. At first, I didn’t mind giving reassurance or talking about the problems she was having. I enjoyed giving my own insight and it felt like we were able to bond over healing her issues. However, I don’t enjoy having to play the role of therapist every single day. It’s exhausting and has been taking a large toll on my mental health. I want to help her get better. I actually finally convinced her to make an appointment with a psychiatrist because in am certain she has either depression, anxiety, or ADD (maybe even all 3). Unfortunately she’s going to be away from home all dummer and can’t make an appointment until September. Until then, it seems like I’m the only person/thing she falls back on. Whenever I tell her how I feel she retaliates and either tells me things I’m doing wrong or starts to self pity until I feel bad for her.
The event that triggered me to post this happened earlier today. For context, we are both studying opera in school. I was practicing a new aria all morning and was excited to sing it for her to see if she liked it. She came over after a rehearsal and had her daily fit about how she’s never good enough, is embarrassed, should’ve never gotten into the school, etc. I reminded her, as I always do, that she’s an amazing singer and music is a really tough industry. Even if you’re the best, you’ll often face face rejection. She just put her head in her hands and shut down. I, still excited to show her the new aria, asked her to tell me what she thought of the song and then sang it. When I finished she didn’t even look up. She sat around for another 10 minutes silently. That upset me because she knew how excited I was to show her this new piece. She then got up and left and told me I’m not good at comforting her. She gets upset at herself nearly everyday and I’m getting tired of reassuring her and giving her advice.
What can I do?
9 comments
I think that you did your best in this situation. Her response to you trying to communicate is very problematic.
I was in your shoes once and get how emotionally exhausting and draining this gets. Maybe you could talk to her and suggest that maybe she should speak to a mental health professional? That way she could get skills that will help her better deal with her struggles.
Btw, just letting you know that if nothing changes then there will be a point where you will only be able to break up with her for your own sake. I wish you all the best
In the situation you described, I think you should have held off just until she feel better. A personal tip that I can give you is that in a situation where she is self-hating, a good way to cheer someone up (at least in my opinion) is to do something fun and distracting. Sometimes focusing more on the insecurity can just make things worse. I would personally recommend comforting and then doing something to cheer her up.
Hello so my question would be, do you know what is he love language? And also what is yours? This feels like it could get clear insight into the problem.
if you dont know: https://theyaksfamily.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/08/The-Five-Love-Languages-The-Secret-to-Love-that-Lasts-by-Chapman-Gary-D-z-lib.org_.pdf
“Babe, I love you and want you to be happy. When you unload on me daily, I feel frustrated and exhausted because I don’t have the tools to help you and it doesn’t seem like you’re interested in changing anything. This is taking a toll on my mental health. Moving forward, let’s try setting aside 5 min to vent and then…we move on to something else. Because if things continue this way, I have to reevaluate the relationship.”
Some people just enjoy bitching. Some people aren’t emotionally healthy. Sounds like she’s a combination of both. But that’s on her to sort out.
The way she flips things around and says you’re not being a good boyfriend when you don’t let her have her unending pity parties is manipulative and emotionally abusive to an extent.
You may really love her but love isn’t enough. And she doesn’t sound mentally/emotionally healthy enough to be a good partner right now.
Tell her to invest in online therapy. You can get an appointment a lot sooner even it won’t be your A+ standard
Unfortunately there’s not much you can do. I dealt with my wife being unmedicated for 12-13 years. She finally is on Vivantz? Something for anxiety. Holy shit, she’s a new person. We’re now postponing getting a divorce because of this.
She needs professional help and I’m glad you convinced her. But that’s only half of it. I convinced my wife years ago but it wasn’t until I actually saw a divorce attorney she actually went.
She doesn’t deserve you
She needs to work on herself. You sound more a caretaker / resident moral booster than partner in an equitable two-way relationship.
This does not seem like a balanced and healthy relationship.
I’ve been your gf and I can tell you that she is suffering immensely. It is still not your job to be her therapist and she should still be supportive of you even if she’s dealing with her own shit.
The best decision I made for myself was getting on a mild anxiety medication. I would have a talk with her because regardless of depression and/or adhd (which I also have) she is struggling the most with the anxiety spiral. It’s almost impossible to treat the other two when anxiety is constantly gnawing at your brain.
I would sit her down and tell her that you see her pain. You see her struggle. You do your best to help her, but you’re not a mental health professional and without that training you could do more harm than good without even realizing by continuing to try to help her.
The good news is she doesn’t need to wait until September to get started on this. She can call her GP or any GP and talk with them about how this anxiety is interrupting her life in so many ways. Because it does go beyond her relationship. She’s losing confidence in her abilities because of it. Whether you two make it long term or not she will still have this anxiety and the best way to start combatting it is medication.
I don’t say this lightly or throw it around for mild anxiety. This girl is *struggling* and she needs this not just for your relationship but her life in general. If she needs to hear it from someone who’s been there and still working their way out of it, send her my way. This isn’t her fault or yours. Her brain chemicals have gotten out of whack from a vicious cycle of anxiety and other things. The anxiety will even tell you not to get help. It’s so debilitating sometimes. But there is hope and it can get better.
Edit to add: I called my GP after white knuckling for years and got a prescription for a mild anxiety medication the same day. I’ve been on it awhile and have little to no side effects and it has improved my life and the lives of my loved ones immensely.
This is probably going to make me sound like a huge jerk, but oh well. It sounds like your girlfriend craves attention. Specifically, she wants to be reassured, coddled, and loved on by her partner, all of which are normal things to want. However, she has figured out that being in constant crisis mode is a sure-fire why to get that attention pretty much whenever she wants. She expects you to drop everything and care for her.
I don’t doubt she has insecurities, self esteem issues, anxiety, depression or whatever else. However, she is milking it.
I would start setting boundaries. “Love, we have already talked about this, I can’t help you by myself.” Then either give her space or change the subject. Reassurance seeking behavior is common with anxiety sufferers and all it does it create a viscous cycle.