Wife says there’s no sympathy for me.

44 comments

1. Sounds like you two simply need to talk this out. You can work through this.

2. Why do men still get married?

3. Couples counseling might be the best route. You two aren’t gonna be able to raise a child together if you both continue like this.

4. So she likes teenage petty revenge? Why did you marry a child?

5. Your wife is a petulant child OP.

6. She obviously feels let down in her experience, let her know you can’t compare your pain to hers but understand how you let her down. She wants you to feel what she did, so maybe attempt to express that understanding. You may not have been intentional in your actions but her feelings are real regardless.

7. Couple’s counseling. I wonder if how she perceived your behavior during L&D was the straw that broke the camel’s back, as they say. Have there been other times she needed comfort and support and you weren’t there? Or perhaps she feels like there is always an excuse when she needs you but you expect her to be there immediately when you need her? Not sure but I think an unbiased 3rd party might be best to help you navigate this.

8. Everyone is dead set to nail the wife but im here to let you know this is generally what happens after you have a newborn. She’s still very hormonal as her body returns back to normal and yes all your feeling are justified your both sleep deprived im sure and it’s not about to get easier but with time it will. The best advice I have for you is embrace the suck try hard and keep showing her that you love her. Do little things that are thoughtful and matter but just because she’s not being sympathetic (which that sucks im sorry) I would just leave her be the best you can over that topic for now, good luck.

9. It’s sciatica, have you scheduled a chiropractor? This pain is treatable and can be reduced or at least managed with a good chiropractor. Are you helping yourself?

   I feel there is information missing. This whole post is wallowing in your own sentiments but seems to still lack any sympathy or empathy for your wife.

   Do you currently even help with the baby? She is currently dealing with a 4 month baby alone (and probably regardless of your health if you work 12 hour shifts). She has no time or energy to care for you.

   Pretty much seems like you want to be cared for but too bad. Her priority has to be the actual baby.

10. I don’t agree with her actions here but i understand them. From her perspective, you came home from work when she had probably been having contractions for a while, and when she told you that she was in the early stages of labor you…went to bed. So she continued to labor alone, until she had to wake you to go to the hospital, where you admit you were dazed and out of it. So she probably feels like she did that entire process–that hard, painful, terrifying process–alone. And people get divorces over that. That’s a big deal.

    So yeah, she’s not feeling real sympathetic right now. Is she acting correctly? No–she should have brought her concerns and hurt to you in a conversation, and she shouldn’t be mean to you now.

    But her post pregnancy hormones are still all over the place, you both are probably exhausted and emotions are high with a newborn…

    I would recommend couples counseling. You guys need help navigating through this, making amends, and working on support and communicationmoving forward

11. That resentment she’s holding on to is a marriage killer. Try marriage counseling.

12. Ugh. So your actions came from unknowing (and lack of sleep). Hers are coming from revenge. She needs to deal with this. She can’t punish you the rest of your marriage bc her pain superseded yours. Have the conversation that this ends now – ask what she needs to make to make it right and “even” in her mind (find a compromise) and start again. Without holding back anger and resentment in these situations.

13. Marriage counseling seems to be the best bet here

14. Labor is way more intense and traumatic than sciatic pain (yes I’ve experienced both) and you are looking for more support for sciatica than you gave her during labor. I just don’t think she has it in her to give that to you right now. Not enough time has passed since you abandoned her since you were “tired” while she was trying to birth a human. So just suck it up and give her some time…. and maybe explore counseling after the dust settles.

15. Wow. This relationship is on the rocks. If you weren’t married, it would be doomed, and it might need to end anyway.

    Still, it’s best to be the bigger person in this case. Is your wife acting like a child? Yeah. Are you ever going to get a proper apology or amends for it? Probably not. But it’s still best to cover your bases, so just leave her to wallow or whatever and take care of your newborn once you’re physically able to. It’ll sort itself out one way or the other. Just a matter of time until you get there.

16. She’s an awful person.

    If you’re completely wiped out from working a 12-hour night shift, and struggling to stay awake, then you’re not going to be physically able to help out as much as you’d like.

    So what’s her excuse? She’s not working 12-hour night shifts — she *could* help, but is *choosing* not to.

    She’s being entirely selfish/childish.

17. If there is no forgiveness, then why stay married?

    I am not advocating for a divorce here, but your wife is absolutely unreasonable. She might have the explanation of hormonal changes after the birth, but it is no excuse and i absolutely hate that people want to absolve mothers for being AHs just because of hormones.
    Maybe get some couples therapy to get to the core of what the issue is.

18. I am wondering…how long has your sciatica been going on? Since it was bad enough that you went to the hospital this time…was it impacting you from helping out with house work while wife was pregnant? As she was dealing with pregnancy changes and still doing a lot of the house work? Could be possible the resentment was building up because in her mind she wasn’t getting any support with the home and child care.

19. The resentment she has will destroy your marriage if it isn’t resolved

20. AHH man, your wife’s a bitch .. see if you can find the source of it with some profesional therapy, but other than that you’ve got ruff nights ahead.

21. Agree with all the comments suggesting couples counseling. Both of you have legitimate reasons to be upset and could benefit from learning how to empathize and help the other feel heard and supported. Also since your condition is chronic, debilitating, and an invisible disability, she may see your limitations as by choice rather than by circumstance. In my experience it’s much better for a neutral third party to explain this rather than the spouse. Especially because she did not feel supported with the baby and may be so hurt it’s impairing her empathy towards you. You learning to give her what she needs (a true understanding of why she’s hurt and how you will do better in the future in a way she can understand) may be the key to unlocking empathy for you too.

22. OP, give her the grey stone treatment, and go over and above showering your new born girl with love and affection. Don’t go crawling back to her. If she wants you to suck it up, then do so. And show her exactly what that is like.

    She will eventually apologize and when that happens, you need to tell her to sit down and have a conversation moving forward. You need to tell her, that if she has a problem with you, or thinks you need to improve on something, or feels you hurt her, she needs to address that.

    You need to accept that yes, in her eyes you offended her, but that isn’t any excuse for how she did the same to you.

    This is not the direction you want your marriage heading. Because unfortunately resentment is typically what leads to confiding in others and then turns into emotional affairs, then physical.

    You need to take control of your marriage right now, because if you keep dancing around it and not getting to the core issue, then I think you are not looking for a happy marriage in the near future

23. Write a letter to her and explain exactly what happen when she give birth and how tired you were.Tell her how much you love her and your little one… Good luck

24. As a woman who went through a complicated, painful delivery, I’d kick you to the curb. You’re lucky your bags aren’t packed. Get out of here with your “I’m tired” crap.

25. This may not just be the 1 incident. When she’s sick how do you treat her?

26. I once saw a video where this woman explained how men get married because they needed a care taker because they are afraid of being alone, especially when it comes to sickness. I thought it was bull shit but more time goes the more I feel like there was some truth to it.

    I see both y’all points but your last bit rubbed me wrong “very worried about what’s going to happen with me in the near future”

    Accept it. You were not there for your wife like she wanted to. She also felt alone especially with bringing a child into this world while you decided to go to bed and it’s only been 4 months.

    You cannot force her to forgive you because forgiveness happen when the other person make a choice to forgive.

    This is beyond Reddit and think you two need therapy

27. At this particular moment she doesn’t particularly care that your in pain.

    Shes dealing with KIDS plural, she’s getting by on coffee & not much sleep.

    You having a bad back & sciatica is one more thing she’s got to work around.

    She low on sleep, patience, and her hormones are up & down. She’s organising multiple people including the school run or daycare as well as recovering from childbirth & possibly the joys of breastfeeding.

    Especially if you want as much attention as the baby.

    It’s possible you’ll laugh about this in the future, but NOT now!!

28. My partners support during labour was the only thing that kept me from losing my shit. He held me for every contraction, offered me drinks, helped me walk to the bathroom, rubbed my back, talked to me to keep me calm, and was right by my side during my emergency C-section as our son was pulled from my body and I started bleeding out. I lost half my blood during that birth. After I was finally moved to a room, he wrapped his arms around me to walk me to the shower, and he helped me get clean. He also helped me in and out of bed every single time for five days until I could do it myself. He slept in an armchair for six night until I was released from hospital.

    My second birth he was my biggest cheerleader, but again he had to watch as I lost half my blood volume, and was rushed to surgery. He fed and cared for our new baby while I was unconscious in recovery, and came straight to my side as soon as I woke up.

    If he had insisted on finishing his work shift, then fell asleep at every opportunity instead of being by my side during the most scary and painful moments of my life, I’d be feeling emotionally abandoned aswel. There probably wouldn’t have been a second child together.

    It’s interesting that you are unable to see that she is showing you what it feels like to not have emotional support through a painful experience. You feel bad that she isn’t showing you sympathy, but you refuse to acknowledge that when she truly needed you, you didn’t step up for her. Energy drinks are a thing, coffee, sugar, hot sauce…. Literally anything to keep you awake enough to be at her side were options. Literally the smell of our partner is sometimes the only thing that gets us through that pain. The only thing that allows us to focus. Feeling stressed out during labour makes the entire process more difficult, and can make labour last longer. You job was to make her feel loved, safe, and supported so that she could birth your child as safely as possible. My mum fell asleep during my first birth. She wasn’t invited back a second time, and I’ve never forgotten that as I was wheeled away for emergency surgery to save my life, she was half asleep in the corner.

    You guys desperately need couples therapy to work through all the resentment. Just because you feel like you didn’t purposely let her down, doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt, and didn’t cause massive damage. Being oblivious to your wife’s emotional needs doesn’t make you a good husband. She’s just showing you what it felt like, and you’ve realised it feels like shit. This is a good place to start therapy because you now have an idea of what your wife went through.

    And if you can’t leave work early cos your wife is in labour, how many other important events are going to take a back seat to work? There needs to be some kind of balance, otherwise there will be no wife or family for you to come home to. Providing is very important, but if there’s no time and energy put into your closest relationships, then the cannot survive. Life is a balancing act, and your kid needs to know their dad.

29. that’s definitely something to get couple therapy over. suggest it to her and clarify that you want the two of you to work together to have a good relationship, that you understand where shes coming from and that you feel genuinely sorry, but that it can’t continue like this. a lot of new mothers have hormonal issues, aggression and depression, so i think together with couple therapy and some time you could grow past it.

30. So that passive aggressive b******* that his wife is passing off to him that’s okay with y’all what part of he was sleep deprived what part of he just came on for 12 hour shift what part of he took the nap so maybe when he woke up in a little while he would be able to function she’s not pregnant now he has sciatica he was in the hospital f***** up if you’re not going to help go ahead with yourself you sitting there telling him oh you did this to me when I was pregnant oh you did that to me when I was pregnant if you didn’t like it when you weren’t pregnant no more and after you had the baby why didn’t you just get the f****** and leave

31. If she was upset, she should have said so at the time.

    To deliberately sit on it and stew for a time when you are in agony is nasty.

    What does she actually intend as the outcome of her behaviour? When is she going to stop being cruel? Or is she? Does she have a habit of hanging onto anger and resentment, or is this just for you?

    I can understand her being pi$$ed about how the labour went., even having a good old shout at you. but frankly, her reaction is iffy.

    Being so out of it from sleep deprivation, by taking a nap, you were increasing the chances that you could get your wife to the hospital without crashing into a tree..

    This type of overwork is why you need legislation on working hours, maternity and paternity pay and rights in America.

32. Can You please read Your own post and then go look in the basement and see if Your self respect is laying around there somewhere?

    You are married andpartners. The whole idea is that You love, forgive and help eachother.

    Does this situation show any love, respect and normal behavior from a partner?

    Advise: talk to her, and explain that if this is the way she thinks You 2+1 can live together, then she better starts looking for a nice place for herself.

33. I am going to agree with everyone and say that y’all need to g to counseling because none of this sounds healthy. But is everyone going to ignore the fact that this man is suffering from bulging discs AND sciatica while working a job that does require some intensive labor to it? His wife is being a petty jackass just to minimize his pain with his back problems(which are incredibly painful and debilitating sometimes). My husband gets flare ups from his sciatic nerve sometimes and he will be out of commission for days because of the pain. I would never wish that on anyone. Not defending OP’s supposed behavior in the delivery room, but come ON. This is just pettiness at its finest. Counseling would really benefit both of you.

34. I must ask. We’re you working the night of your wife’s labor because you are not financially stable? Because if so, you’re doing what you can trying to provide for your wife and child leading up to the birth. If my girlfriend was pregnant I wouldn’t be able to afford to take time off the week leading up to the childbirth and would be stuck working as many hours as I could to financially support them. Let alone the time I would need to take off after the kid is born. I understand that he wasn’t really emotional involved at the time but this man was probably doing everything he could to make sure this family had a roof over their head resulting in him being absolutely exhausted and falling asleep while his wife is in labor. I’m seeing a lot of downvotes from people who don’t know the whole situation that lead up to this and assumption that OP is a deadbeat.

35. What really came across from your post is how me-centered it is and I wonder if your wife feels the same way about your relationship. Everything seems to be about you- how much pain you’re in and how you need comfort and how it’s not your fault you weren’t emotionally available during your wife’s delivery. You don’t mention anything about what might be on your wife’s plate and everything she sounds like she might need to handle on her own with you being couch-bound.

    I feel like if my husband and I were in your positions, we would both be concerned about the other person and what they’re going through. Yes, your wife should be more sympathetic of your pain and condition but you should also be equally sympathetic of everything she’s doing on her own so you can take the time to recover.

36. God I feel bad for you!!! I mean, your wife is probably stressed as well, but to be in physical and emotional pain is just rough. Please try to get physical therapy or something to try to fix this

37. People who love each other in a healthy way have no desire to exact punishment on the other person for any reason. Healthy lovers work things out and lift each other up. Tit for tat is the opposite of love.

38. My best advice is to try and make ammends .

    Maybe get some flowers or something nice delivered to her as a surprise. Maybe get a card with some thoughtful words then later tell her you had thought about your previous conversation with her and that you have reflected and wanted to apologize. Maybe let her know you are a team and she is the most important person in your life and to your family. Ask her if this is something you guys can move past and ask if there is anything she feels that you can do that would make an immeadiate impact on the issues she feels are building her resentment towards you. The faster you two reconcile the faster there will be peace in your house hold – even if you are in the wrong or not.

39. Well either accept you will never have a partner who supports you if you aren’t fully capable or divorce.

    I’d personally choose the latter because the disrespect is more than I could bare. Only you can decide though.

40. I think you need couples counselling to be able to communicate effectively. Your wife obviously has some resentment but the answer is not to “punish” you or for you to just accept the “punishment”. She needed things that you were not able to provide to her, for whatever reason, but now she is refusing to provide you with support because she is upset she didn’t get support when she needed it. You need a third party that is neutral and also trained in helping people communicate, so you can figure out how to move forward in a healthy and productive way

41. We don’t know everything that went on during her labor, but I do find her behavior to be extreme. She’s very unwilling to empathize with you at all, accept your apologies, allow you to fix it. Nothing. I’m really sorry for that. I don’t think it’s fair to do that to someone who is willing to apologize and correct what ever they did wrong. Depending on the offense. Has your wife always been this way?

42. I am not going to pass judgement and over analyze your message like a lot of the people on this thread. I think people forget that these are real life situations that they are giving advice for. I think there is a lot that’s going on with this that both parties can feel justified for. I’m not going to demonize you for your back trouble. As a licensed PTA and have dealt with a lot of patients with sciatica, I can tell you that it can get very nasty the longer it isn’t treated. I will say this, you both need couples counseling urgently. This isn’t a job for reddit, but rather a licensed individual. Both of you have felt wronged by the other. You need to talk it out with an experienced mediator. It’s easy for people to get their fill of tea off other people’s issues and investigate how they fit into a certain mold, but life sucks.

    I wish you the best and that you and your wife are able to work out your disagreements. I also wish your newborn the best of health. Have a great day!

43. Leave that bitch! No sympathy for her!😂

44. The amount of couples that’s don’t seem to like each other or being capable of talikg is amazing