TLDR: my fiance is a sleeptalker and sleep-fondler and I can’t tell when he’s awake or not so we’ll end up having sex. I can’t tell whether to feel bad about it or go along with it since he’s okay with it.

throwaway just in case

Okay so the title sounds awful but hear me out before running to the comments. Me (20f) and my fiance (22m) have been together for about 3 years, engaged for 1. Our relationship is straight out of a cheesy movie (immediate connection “love at first sight” kind of thing, we have the same sense of humor, both emotionally intelligent enough to the point where we never actually fight about anything, and he’s so sensitive to my needs which is great since I have a few really annoying mental disorders like the dreaded tism and ADHD wombo combo, and I’m sensitive to his) Either way, we’re perfect for each other and I genuinely can’t imagine ever being without him.

So here’s my issue. Ever since we first started staying over at each other’s places, he’s been a big sleep talker. I’m talking you could have full conversations with him and only find out he was sleeping through the whole thing in the morning. He’s also been known to go to bed complaining that he’s too hot to cuddle but as soon as he’s asleep he’ll be all over me.

This is where things get weird

For some unknown reason, when he’s sleep cuddling me, he’ll start feeling me up like a hormone ridden teenager, and saying things WAY dirtier than he usually says, and straight up asking me if I wanna do the nasty with him. I’m usually a night owl so I’ll be fully awake for this (most of the time at least, sometimes I’m just drifting off when he does this) and when he started doing this, if I was in the mood – I’d go along. if not, hed drop the issue and wed both go “back to sleep”. We’d finish up and I had no reason to think anything was wrong. After this happened a couple times he mentioned offhand something about waking up in the middle of having sex with me. I asked him further and he said that he doesn’t remember -anything- before actually having sex: none of the foreplay, the dirty talk,
feeling me up, none of it. I put the pieces together and I was honestly shocked and horrified at myself. I felt like I was taking advantage of him. He said it was okay and that he genuinely doesn’t care, and that it’s fine. It would be a different story if he said he liked it – he said that he likes it about as much as every other kind of sex we have.

This didn’t really make me feel any better so I resorted to trying to gauge whether or not he’s awake to prevent situations like this in the future. I started by asking him if he was awake – he’d say “yes, I’m awake” and we’d go ahead. Nope, dead asleep. I started asking him multiple times and he’d say things like “yeah, of course I’m awake!” – asleep. Eventually it got to the point where I’d ask him math questions. He’d answer them right or ask me things like “I don’t know, can -you- do 56 / 3 in your head?” I’d say no, he’d laugh, and we’d go on with it. again: Dead. Asleep.

I’m genuinely at a loss because it’s borderline impossible to tell when he’s asleep so I don’t know how to make sure he’s in a state of mind to actually consent, because he’s so articulate and himself when he’s sleep talking to me.

He’s fine with it, I feel confused and just a little disgusted with myself because consent is my highest priority. I think the worst part of it all is that the sex is somehow just like, a thousand times better when this happens which only further makes me feel like a horrible person and that I’m taking advantage of him. I don’t know if it’s made okay just because he’s okay with it.

I’m really just hoping someone can either ease my fears or tell me what I can/should do

23 comments

  1. If he said he’s okay with it, then he’s okay with it. My bf does this sometimes and he’ll wake and be (*shocker*) extremely happy about it. But make sure you get EXPLICIT consent when he’s awake during the day.

    “Sometimes you’ll fondle me when I’m asleep and this will lead to us being intimate. I feel like I’m taking advantage of you even if you say it’s okay. Can you give me reassurance that this is okay? I would like to have your consent before this happens again.” Something along those lines

  2. There has been times when I drink too much at parties or holidays and I black out, instead of getting mean drunk or sad I get really in that mood and start starting things with my bf i always start it, sometimes I remember and sometimes I don’t. In the beginning he told me he would never take advantage of me and he never has, he always makes sure I am okay with it when I’m sober and always makes sure I’m the one starting it. I wake up with no regrets and I know we both had a good good night. We’ve been together for 9 years now. Don’t stress over it, but assurance is always nice

  3. Is your boyfriend being treated by a neurologist? It sounds like he has a severe sleep disorder.

  4. It’s called sexsomnia. Maybe learning more about it will help too.

  6. This really wouldn’t sit right with me personally. He’s said it’s on so you’re not necessarily in the wrong for continuing…however, id proceed with extreme caution. My reason being that you stated he says much “dirtier” things when he’s sleep, i would be nervous that he’d want to try something ( while unconscious) and wake up feeling like he did not actually want to try that thing. This is really up to you as he’s your SO but i would stop doing this immediately.

  7. >when he started doing this, if I was in the mood – I’d go along. if not, hed drop the issue and wed both go “back to sleep”

    So he’s acknowledging your own consent when he’s putting the moves on you in his sleep, and you’re worried that you’re not acknowledging his?

    >He said it was okay and that he genuinely doesn’t care, and that it’s fine. It would be a different story if he said he liked it – he said that he likes it about as much as every other kind of sex we have.

    Oh, wait – you already did acknowledge his.

    You communicated about it, which is exactly what you should do, and things are working out for both of you. If you’re enjoying it, and he’s enjoying it, and you’re both consenting, there’s no issues here.

  8. First off sexsomnia is a thing he should see a doctor. Secondly you have his consent while he was awake. My wife and I have had similar conversations, because there is an established trusting relationship there you can have this kind of consent.

  9. This is one of those women issue. I feel like I postbthis same answer at keat 3 times a week. Maybe I should just start copyibg and pasting. Anyways, here it is….

    Men and women are not the same. This is bot about one being superior or better, smarter or whatever nonsense. No, its just differebt enough. Like two different flavors of icecream, both are ice cream and each go better with certain things but at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter much. Just knkw that vanilla and chocolate ice creams are different. Where am I going with this? That this is a woman issue in that women are the ones that mostky suffer from garrasment, rape, sexual assault etc. Yes, men do too but to a far lesser extend and they are not affected by it the same way women do.

    I’ll give you an example. After a nkght lartyibg a woman walks to her car at a highrice parking lot. She takes the elevator. All of a sudden the elevator stops at one of the gloors and 3 men walk in. What does she thinks? A reasonable thing for a woman to think is “oh no, I could sexually assaulted by these 3 strangers”. I think everybodu would agree that this is a reasonable concern. Now do the same exact scebario but its a lonely man and 3 women get into the elevator. Lets be honest here, this is an every day plot to a run of the mill porno. No man thknks, oh noI’m going to be taken sexual advantage off. Oh god ehat am I to do?!? I mean it is laughable. A woman walks by and some stranger slaps her ass she would be perfectly justified to turn aroubd and slap him across the face. Now say a stranger woman slaps a mans ass well, he’ll be telling the story to all his friends for the next 2 weeks and the other guys will be like dod you get her number.

    If I was him the thing I would be mad about is that you are not recording it so that I can at least relive that I had sex.

    And yes, men do suffer from sexual assault and abuse too but its in extreme cases. In your case no, there is nothibg to be concerned about. As a matter of fact thats your chance to get away with some naughty shit. He would be like aarrggg by butt hurts today and you would be like maybe it was somethibg you ate. Hey, you snooze you lose. I mean, you already told him and communicated your concerns and he is fine with it. Just keep checking with him every so often.

    Also, its kind of awfully convenient that he doesn’t remember the day after. I’m ot saying he is lying. All I’m saying that maybe some of thise times he is getting away with more than he normally would.

  10. He’s fine with it. You need to decide if you are. My girlfriend wants me to wake her up in the night with sex. Others would not be comfortable with that. It’s all about what you two decide together. Society has gotten crazy with consent these days. If a physical relationship escalates naturally and there are no signs of either party being uncomfortable you shouldn’t need a written signature affirming consent. Enjoy yourself and have fun You guys are totally appropriate and good.

  12. he literally gave you consent and said it’s fine IDK why you even posted this

  14. My ex and i used to do a reasonable amount of coke and I’d be going down on her all night totally non erect until the comedown. She would SWEAR she wanted me to finish and “use” her even when she was passing out faded and my dick was finally waking up at 8 am. It took a while to trust her! But finally i did and it was really fun, not gonna lie. This is similar; if he decided after the fact he hates it, then shut it down? But until then, believe him! You should be able to trust your partner in ways you wouldn’t a hookup or something.

  15. If he said he’s okay with it, you need to go with that. It obviously doesn’t bother him. Giving a partner “blanket consent” is absolutely a thing as long as you respect if he ever wants to withdraw said consent. I’m a blanket consent person myself, when I’m in a relationship I prefer my partner to assume consent unless I tell him otherwise (and, incidentally, I am very clear about never ever waking me for sex).

  16. He’s given you blanket consent for sex, so enjoy. Just make sure you’re on birth control or put a condom on him, because short of the known possibility of an “accident,” he has not given consent to be a parent.

  19. My husband does this sometimes, not quite to this extent but sometimes. I’ll usually ask him if he’s awake and go from there. Often I realize he was asleep bc he goes back to sleep in the middle of it or just kinda peters out. If he says he’s fine with it, it’s ok I’d say, as long as you yourself are comfortable with it.

  20. Hey! My husband has this too.
    I had to deal with similar emotions (we also had sex once while we were both asleep, because I just didn’t wake up, which was frankly not great for me) – but my husband stops if he doesn’t want to anymore. Even if he is asleep. In the beginning it never happened, he always continued until I said no, but as time went on he sometimes started to feel me up and stuff and then had a sudden change of mind and went back to sleep. That was extremely calming for me, as it gave me a sense of “he is capable of consent” if that makes sense? Also it never bothered him either to wake up during sex, we both think it’s kind of funny. We also figured out that it mostly happened when he was horny during the day but there was no time for sex or he was too tired or similar situations.
    In my personal opinion: if you’re up for it, go for it.

  21. I’m not going to read all that, if he’s fine with it, it’s fine.

  22. The purpose of these rules around consent is to respect other people’s boundaries. Not to have rules for the sake of rules. Since your fiance consents while awake and while in his half-asleep state, you’re not violating or assaulting him.

  23. If you aren’t comfortable with it, don’t do it – it’s not mandatory just because he’s given consent.

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