Sorry, this is a bit long for context. My (34f) partner (30m) was asked to be best man at a wedding this summer. They were at a mutual friends wedding when my partner was asked to be best man. They haven’t been super close over the last decade just with life stuff but there’s a lot of love, mutual respect, shared memories and shared friends and they were having a great time catching up so of course he said yes.
So come this summer my partner is planning the stag. His expectation based on being best man or a groomsman in about 8 other weddings over the past few years was they would get an air b and b in the woods somewhere and shoot clay pigeons, ride dirt bikes whatever. Or maybe go for a boys camping trip or something. Typically this cost him around $500. But things started to kinda snowball with managing everyone coming and all of a sudden this is a big to do in a large city costing my partner around $3000 ($500 for travel which is because we live out of town so thats fine).
Then the wedding itself is at a destination location, no matter how you cut it travel is a grand from where we are, driving, flying and renting a car, whatever. Plus resort town hotel for 3 nights because he needs to be there early is another grand. Plus his suit. Plus the gift. Plus the bar. Plus the cost of general eating in said resort town (we’ll get some food for the hotel but with everything going on we will be eating out of course). Another 3 grand there. Again, we’re used to spending about $1000 to attend a wedding.
Additionally due to the location of the venue being more remote its 2 days travel plus getting there a day early and the weekend of the wedding its minimum 4 days off work for each of us and thats making things tight. Another 3 grand lost wages between us. Again, usually weddings are more near a hub so maybe you take a day or two off but not nearly an entire work week.
So when he agreed a year ago, based off of both of our lived experiences we were expecting to be in for $2500-$3000 for this including time off. Once the stag plan and venue were released he was already committed to this. He’s going back to school in September, I’m self employed and just starting my business, we just bought our first house and its needed some work to be able to afford something in this real estate climate and property tax etc. are due, gas and inflation is at an all time high… We just weren’t expecting to drop $9,000 on someone elses wedding this summer (to be honest if I were to ever get married I wouldn’t spend that kind of money on MY wedding).
So my question is: if you are in a wedding party how much do you expect to spend to attend? Between the pandemic and me being a bit older than him I haven’t been in a wedding party in 7 years so maybe I’m out of the loop.
If this is not normal do we mention something or just suck it up and spend the next year paying this off? I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed by all of this and considering not going but my partner still has to drive and pay for the hotel so me not going really just saves a couple hundred bucks but at least I’m still working while hes away. But I also want to show up for my partner obviously. Its a tricky one.
9 comments
I was put in a similar situation with my partner and his friend. We ended up spending just over £1000 but we didn’t have to pay for the hotel.
I think you have to get your partner to sit down with the groom and talk about what you could cut from the plan. That amount of money is ridiculous and I would be tempted to pull out all together if no compromises are made.
This definitely needs to be a conversation between him, and the groom. It is an outrageous amount of money to spend, on someone else’s wedding. Tell them they have to make a choice, he can do the groomsmens party, or the wedding.
We had a destination wedding, and our full cost for the wedding, a separate party for my parent’s 50th anniversary, and the 10 days we spent at the resort, was half of what you are being expected to pay. On top of which we helped our best man, and maid of honor pay for part of their costs, and it still wasn’t as much as you are being expected to pay.
If you have to pay for this, it’s going to affect your living budget, for more than a year. That is a lot to expect from a friend who just wants to celebrate with you.
Part of having a destination wedding, is being understanding that not everyone can afford to come, so there should be no bad feelings.
I can never wrap my head round the costs involved in weddings that people post about on Reddit fairly regularly.
9k for a stag do plus taking part in a wedding is just balls to wall insane.
My own personal limits? (I’m UK based) If I’m forking out to go to a destination wedding somewhere, then chances are I will not also be attending the associated hen do. I am on a low salary, and it’s just out of the question for me. Unless the hen do was a very cheap affair. If the wedding is in my own country then I’ll join the hen do, but I’m not going to spend more than £300 max on it. Stag and Hen dos have got completely out of hand and over the top these days.
As for the associated wedding costs – again I’d say absolute max would be £300, but that’s assuming a new outfit, travel, accom, gift for the couple… Perhaps I’d just use a current outfit to keep costs lower than that.
So in total I’d be aiming to spend not more than £600 I’d say. There’s no way I’d be spending thousands on someone else’s wedding.
That cost is outrageous. The best man should expect to pay for his suit, hotel and part of the bachelor party. All that together should not be $9,000.
I spent the cost of gas and gifts going to my friends’ weddings. If I were a best man I would’ve spent a bit more on whatever suits and grooming I would need, but the thousands you are talking seem absurd.
Question: Has all of this already been booked? Stag party? Wedding hotel? Flights? Tux? What’s already been paid for and what hasn’t?
Right off the bat, if it were me, I would just skip the stag. I’m not traveling and taking time off work and paying thousands TWICE because someone else is getting married and wants a fancy stag and a fancy destination wedding. It’s just not happening. But I would have said “$X is my budget for the stag, anything more and I’m sorry but will not be able to attend” to begin with when planning. It’s very normal to discuss budgets because well, most of us don’t have thousands to drop on someone else’s party.
Part of destination weddings is the fact that some people can’t afford it. This was also an appropriate time to say “I’m sorry, but I can’t afford that right now”.
Seriously, you guys can’t afford to drop 9k on all of this just to be nice. You do not need to feel pressured to just suck it up and pay it. He needs to sit down with the groom and have an honest conversation that he’s asking too much.
The good news is finances are pretty black and white, if you can’t afford it you can’t afford it.
That’s not normal for sure
Who has 9K to throw at someone else like that? That could be used for so many other things. Plus, I get he made that promise but this is just infeasible. It’s not even a weekend wedding so it’s more costly and the food costs will definitely add up. I think you guys should just go as guests. 500$ for travel and however much you spend on the gift and then go home.