I cannot seem to be able to trust my girlfriend for a few reason and would like for some advice.
We started out working at the same restaurant for a few years and would flirting every here and there. We went out on a few dates and we ended up hooking up after one of our shifts and started as a friend with benefits for a few months. One day we were together and she told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend (that I embarrassing knew about). A few months later we were having dinner, I was under the assumption that we were dating. She told me that she’s been having relations with other people, one person was someone (F19) we worked with, and I became very uncomfortable and talked with her later about my discomfort and I can’t have an open relationship. I wasn’t mad that she was seeing other people because we never made it clear that we couldn’t and never stated that we were dating. I asked why she wanted and open relationship and her reason was because she feels like she has too much love to only give one person and that she has always cheated in her other relationships. I asked why she thinks she cheated. The First relationship was because her boyfriend couldn’t trust her and her second one was because she was very unhappy. At the time I thought I understood why she did what she did but wished she would’ve handled the relationship better. I still wanted to tried and make things work with the new knowledge. I gave her time to decide whether she wants to stay with me or with the others and she chose to stay with me.
I try to make our relationship work and have open communication, I have a habit of hiding what I’m thinking and it makes her insecure, and ask her to do the same. If I have to talk about our relationship I like to sit done so we can talk. I started to realized that she almost never has anything to say that she is unhappy with. She is not passive aggressive and seems to be in good mood when around me but will not say anything negative or anything I can do to improve. I ask her many times for some other feedback but it’s always “I feel fulfilled and satisfied with us”. One night I told her that I’m starting to feel insecure that she never give me useful feedback and she finally told me that, along the lines of, she doesn’t want to overload myself with worrying about other thing’s when I have my own issues to deal with. I told that not telling me is making me worried and would help me know specifically what I can do and not make me imagine what it is that I might be doing wrong. She agreed to better. She doesn’t.
A few months later we are spending most of the week together and having a good time, however, I felt like anytime I would walk behind her while she was on her phone she would quickly close the app she was one or turn her phone away (I know the actions of hiding the phone from watching anime in public, very similar actions). felt uneasy and tried to look and read some names. One of the people was the same person she was having sexual relations with, the person from work (F19). I confronted her about constantly turning her phone or feeling like she was hiding something and she said thought that I would be unhappy or bothered of who she was talking to. I told her what bothers me is hiding things and and not talking to me about it beforehand. I also said she could keep a friendship with them as long as it’s platonic and just friends and she happily agreed.
Present day. This last Sunday was our one year anniversary. We both had to work and decided to do something on a different day. On Saturday she told me that she was going to get her hair cut by the girl who we used to work with (F19), I had to work early on Sunday so I decided to trust her and told her to have fun and be safe. The thing I thought would not happen, and neither did she, was that she stayed the night. She didn’t give me a message that she was staying, she stayed because she drank too much, and didn’t message me until 5 pm on Sunday (our one year anniversary). I was curious about where she was and looked at the snap map and saw she was at (F19) house the whole time until she left at 5 and messaged me.
Now I have a feeling exhaustion and hopelessness for us. I’ve been avoiding her in person and limiting our messages the last few days.
Looking back on everything I’m starting to think that she might not have the ability to confront anything that is bother her. That could be why she end’s up sabotaging relationship or situations, to get out of them rather than actually addressing the issues . I knows she love, and I love her, but I don’t think we can last with this lack of communication.
Am I looking to much into thing’s? Was the relationship failed from the beginning? Any chance of it improving?
TLDR: I feel like my girlfriend is unable to confront people with situations she is unhappy with that leads to sabotage (mainly cheating) and also has a lack of understanding and communication.
5 comments
She wants an open relationship you don’t. How are you imagining this will magically sort itself out?
Love is easy, we can love lots of people but we aren’t compatible with them all.
You were sleeping with someone else’s girl, got together with her, and now she’s sleeping with other people. That’s not only karma, but really typical. Do what you want but the relationship sounds doomed. She doesn’t want to be with only you, and she has a history of cheating (and lying about it). You’re already losing your mind over her actions and lack of control over them. I see red flags everywhere (I know this from experience). Good luck with everything and DONT SLEEP WITH OTHER PEOPLES PARTNERS. And if you do, ABSOLUTELY NEVER DATE THEM.
She isn’t willing or able to be in a serious relationship with you. She has made that clear over and over. She won’t tell you what she wants or what issues she has – so she is blocking you out of her life and refusing intimacy. She will hide things from you if she thinks you won’t like them, which is utterly terrible. It’s fine to have some privacy in a relationship, but her reasoning is a relationship-destroying reasoning. She might need an open relationship to be happy. She might be cheating. But even if those things aren’t true – over and over she has rejected you. Over and over you have asked her to actually be in a relationship with you, and she has shut you out.
Sooooo you are taking this person who has told you exactly who she is (someone who needs an open relationship) and just expect monogamy to work because you want it to? You’re not compatible dude. Yeah she needs to communicate better but it sounds like you ignore it steamroll what information she does give you
Ofc you’ll be constant suspicious of her. She cheated on her ex with *you* so why wouldn’t she do the same to *you* as she did to all of her other relationships? Cheating isn’t open relationships. She’s a cheater.