My (20F) and my boyfriend (22M) have been dating for almost a year now and have had a really great relationship so far. He always takes care of me and goes out of his way to do nice things for me like driving to pick me up from my exam when I wasn’t feeling great. He’s always been super nice to my friends and has called out frat guys who have said misogynistic stuff to me before. That’s why I’m super surprised about this.
​
Yesterday my bf and I were having sex and I was giving him head when I noticed he was holding his phone up behind my head. I stopped and asked him what he was doing with his camera and he brushed it off and said it was nothing. I asked him to show me his camera roll and he was taking a video of me sucking his dick. I was really shocked because he has never done anything like this. He told me it’s because he doesn’t feel comfortable watching porn and he wanted to save this to jack off to later. I feel like if he should have just watched porn if he was going to do this without asking me. I got him to delete the video and he offered to let me look through his phone and I looked a little bit and then stopped. I trust him that he hasn’t done this before but he has completely lost my trust after this.
​
My friend keeps telling me that this is a huge red flag and that I have to break up with him but I trust that this was just a one-time mistake and I love him so much he was just being stupid this one time. I don’t know if I should break up with him or not.
11 comments
That’s a serious violation. I don’t know if I could trust him after that.
He definitely should have asked. I get where he is coming from but obviously it was wrong.
If your confident he hasn’t done it before and he says he wouldn’t again… then I think you can move forward.
However if it happens again, that would be the red flag for me.
You have given yourself the answer already
>but he has completely lost my trust after this.
He could have asked you to make the video. He did not. Instead he literally did it behind your back. Major red flag when intimacy is involved. People are so vulnerable then.
Decide for yourself though.
Take care and good luck
How do you this was the first time he has recorded you? What if he recovered the video later?
I’m going to hold off on breaking up, but he at least deserves a week (or more) in the “no sex penalty box.”
Yeah, trust between you took a pretty big hit there, but I’m with you in believing it was a one-time stupid thing that he won’t do again. knowing how you feel about it.
Now… if he STILL does it again… stop sucking, wash your face and leave. For good.
He’s embarrassed to ask… But not embarrassed to do it and get caught (cuz he would have done eventuay if not this time).
He’s not embarrassed, he got caught out and made his excuses to guilt you into giving him. You’re 20, cut your losses and don’t settle for such a grim partner when you’ve got your whole life ahead of you to meet someone who wouldn’t dream of doing something like that
I don’t think it’s something worth breaking up over
It’s pretty bad. Don’t let love cloud your thinking to the point where you are vulnerable to being taken advantage of.
He didn’t include you or in any way get your consent and an outside party(s) seeing it could be devastating.
At the least be a bit more observational of him going forward imo.
Yikes. That’s pretty disrespectful to try to secretly record you blowing him….. being scared of embarrassment is NOT a valid excuse. What about your embarrassment? What about how YOU would feel about someone taking a video of you while you are being intimate and vulnerable? What if that had gotten into the wrong hands or one of his friends saw it on his phone? He betrayed you and I would never trust anyone who broke that boundary personally. Whether he was a virgin or you were his 100th gf he KNEW what he was doing was wrong and that’s why when you called him out on it he immediately lies and said he wasn’t doing anything before coming clean. This not a gray area. This is black and white. Get out now.
be honest about it being a dealbreaker to him please!!! and do not have sex with him again until you are 100% sure he understands and regrets it. this could just be a stupid one time idea, but even then, please try to make him understand the severity of it. are there more instances of him crossing your boundaries or not asking for consent when doing something?? if so, please leave
The fact that he tried to lie about what he was doing before fessing up after you get proof is very unnerving. If you hadn’t insisted he delete the video, would he have? And if he has an IPhone, recently deleted photos and videos can be recovered very easily by logging onto iCloud.com. He definitely could have had other intentions. It’s crazy how he doesn’t feel comfortable asking you for nudes but he was comfortable taking a video of you without your consent and lying about it. Bullshit if you ask me.