This may be quite long so apologies!
Our relationship had ups and downs like most relationships, and the majority of the time we were very happy. We got on so well, our chemistry was amazing and I just loved everything about her.
We never really fought, or even raised our voices or anything like that, and just mainly had discussions if something wasn’t right.
Communication has always been the main issue and that is mainly what we’d talk about when things weren’t going well… my communication.
I’ll admit, I’ve never been the best at communicating, but it is something I’ve always tried to work on and improve.
We lived separate for the first 2 years and then she moved in with me at my parents house in early 2021 while we finished saving up for a deposit for our first house. These 7 months living together at my parents were amazing and when we finally had an offer accepted on a house after months of searching and rejections we were over the moon and couldn’t wait to get the keys.
We moved in last September and we went to a gig in our local city the second night of living in the house. I caught covid that night and was then ill and had no energy to help with doing much in the house for the next 3 weeks while I recovered and spent most of the time in bed. I felt really bad because she was the one who had to do most of the unpacking etc and sorting the house out. Obviously, there was no intimacy at this time or anything like that as I didn’t want to give her covid either.
October came around and I had recovered, we went on a few date nights and we started fully redecorating our bedroom and things seemed good.
My girlfriend got a job promotion and now had a lot more responsibilities and this meant she would either be staying late in the office or she would come home and be working on her laptop most nights until late at night and then overtime one day most weekends as well. I tried to support her as best as I could because I knew how stressed she was. I always told her how proud I was as well of all her hard work.
November came and went and then Christmas came around. Something did seem off to me and we did seem distant, but I don’t know why I didn’t say anything. Just before new year she wanted a talk and basically said she’s not happy in the relationship, that something went wrong somewhere when we moved in together, she felt lonely and didn’t want to come home from work so she’d stay longer and that she felt like she didn’t have someone there for her, but also that she was depressed and couldn’t see life beyond months or the future in general.
To hear her say she was lonely and that she would cry at home when I wasn’t there broke my heart. I would always ask her how her day was and try to be there and she even said herself I wouldn’t have been able to tell that she was upset before I got home from work and that a depressed person won’t tell you when they are depressed.
She suffers from depression due to some childhood trauma that she has. I always wanted her to try and get some help with this and support her with it but she just said I will sort it one day. She even said herself that could I not see that she was damaged. She has ups and downs a lot.. she can be crazy, wild and funny but then also really down and in a hole. This is when our problems arose in the past when she was down. She would always say I wasn’t there for her which hurts because I would literally do anything for her and always listen to her problems. There are times I admit I could have done things differently but I tried to learn from these mistakes.
Anyway, she said she wanted to break up and I got upset obviously so she took me back 10 mins later because she said she couldn’t stand to see me upset and we could try and work on things.
We tried to work on things the next two months, went on some good date nights/activities etc and I tried to show that I would communicate/be there for her and get some intimacy back etc and get back to how we used to be. Things seemed to be getting better but obviously needed some time, but then at the end of February she sat me down and said that it’s over. We had long discussions but nothing would change her mind and she said that she doesn’t believe I will change.
She had already emotionally checked out at the end of December I think and she said she was then having a hard time coming to terms with losing our house.. she said it was the first place she had felt at home in and now it’s being taken away from her.
It felt like when we were having talks in the days following the breakup, she would bring up every little thing from the past, and everything about my character. My career, my drive and ambition, my sensitivity, lots of things. I’m not sure if this was because she was trying to not feel guilty at herself or something but all the blame was on put on me. I admit there are things I could and should have done differently but that’s hindsight and we can only learn and improve.
One issue she had was that whenever she would come to me with a problem or said she was upset at something etc, I would get upset because I hated seeing her upset and in pain. I am a sensitive guy and she said when breaking up with me that she values my sensitivity but it made her feel rubbish about herself and that there was no space for her problems and that she always had to cheer me up when it should have been me being there for her.
She said she needs someone who is able to pick her up if she’s depressed or know how to behave if she’s in a dark place as she said I didn’t even know how to react when she was like that.
If she tripped she felt like I wouldn’t be there for her and that in her view that is how we got to this situation, and the fact that I can’t communicate.
She said she tried and tried to improve our communication over the years but felt like she couldn’t give any more.
I was and still am utterly heartbroken. I can’t believe we were so happy together and then in the space of 6 months (3 months when things started going down hill until she wanted to break up the first time) that it’s now over.
The thing that hurts the most is that she said I was never there for her. I would have done anything for her, dropped everything I was doing if she needed help, and I do have a number of texts where she thanked me for being there for her.
She said it was so difficult to break up with someone she loves who treats her so well in so many aspects – who is kind, caring, thoughtful, and that she is taking a massive gamble as she potentially won’t find anyone who treats her so well in all these aspects.
She said she will never say a bad word about me to anyone because ‘there is nothing I can say bad about you and that I’d never say it was a bad relationship or I was a bad boyfriend .. it was just your communication.’ She said she knew I didn’t do it on purpose and she would never blame me for that.
She also said that maybe she didn’t see all the things I was doing for her because ‘how can I love someone else if I don’t love myself’.
I am now living back with my parents and it feels like deja vu but this time without my best friend and lover. She is still living at our house while we finish off decorating a room and then look to sell the house.
We did become distant since we moved in the house, and I think a combination of me getting used to the house, her working so much and us becoming a bit distant and not having that quality time together and then all the other stresses of having our own house all added up. I really wanted to work on it and get through this tough period but it wasn’t to be I guess.
I just feel like a really shit person and so guilty. I didn’t think I was a bad boyfriend but everything she said has me questioning everything. I know my communication needs work but I am always trying to work on it. Maybe I am just that bad at it.
To know that she felt like she couldn’t give any more, she felt lonely and that she had to give up on us and this house makes me feel truly terrible.
TL;DR: Me and my now ex girlfriend moved into our first house 6 months ago and now she has broken up with me. I think a combination of issues led to this but just looking for someone’s perspective.
5 comments
have you two tried ‘couples counselling’?
I’m struggling to understand how it’s your communication that was the issue. It sounds like it was her communication? Unless you weren’t listening?
You can’t be expected to read her mind and know she is depressed if she doesn’t say anything. You can’t be expected to magically know what to do to make her feel better, or more supported, or less lonely if she doesn’t communicate her needs.
It kinda sounds like SHE bottled up her resentments – without telling you about it – and just kinda wanted you to intuitively know what to do. Which isn’t fair.
I’m so sorry. If she’s emotionally checked out, I’m not sure that there is much you can do. It takes two people to want it to work for it to work.
It really sounds like it was a communication issue on her part; it doesn’t sound like she was honestly trying.. it was only so much you could do
On your part to fix the relationship; she had to do her part. I think breaking up was for the best.
That’s the thing – you WEREN’T and aren’t a bad boyfriend. You did absolutely everything you could possibly do, and even though you still “lost”, you still won. And I say ” won” because a relationship takes TWO to work, not one. It takes equal effort, equal communication, equal compromises, equal everything. You were one part of the relationship, one half. You did YOUR part, and you did it well, but she took you for granted. She didn’t even TRY, she constantly brought little things and quirks about you just so she can justify the breakup in her mind. Some people are like that, they sit and stew on their resentments and issues and only bring it up when its too late, through no fault of your own (because like the other post said, you canny read anyone else’s mind, it is HER responsibility to bring up those issues, and she failed).
You don’t need someone like that in your life. You want someone who will be willing to work on the relationship, to stick through the highs and especially the lows (because the strength of any relationship is tested throught the hard times). You’re still the king you always were, she just didn’t and doesn’t see that or appreciate that. If someone can go that long and not even remember ONCE a single good thing you did for them, even that is an issue. Me and my ex haven’t been together forever, but even I can recall all the little good things they did that still makes me feel appreciated. But nevertheless, this whole thing is on HER and only HER.
The best thing for you now is to maintain total no contact, foe YOUR sake and peace of mind. She’s not sometime you want in your life. She chose to leave this relationship, she needs to live with that decision. I feel this is like a blessing in a lot of ways, not to downplay your pain at all.
How did she earn her Promotion? XD