So me and my girlfriend have been together for over a year now. We started having sex about 2 mouths into our relationship as she was a virgin. She told me she is very worried about getting pregnant as it would mess up both our lives as we are still young and I agreed. So she is on the pill and we agreed I would wear a condom as well, then she asked me to also pull out before I cum. Which I did reluctantly as I thought it was a bit over kill as I had a condom on but I did it to make her happy. Now over a year together she said we won’t be having sex when she’s ovulating, I was worried because if you add that to the fact we don’t have sex when she’s on her period that leaves us with 16 day we can have sex with in her cycle. I agreed again to make her happy and understood why she’s doing this as she is nervous about getting pregnant but we don’t live together so we don’t have sex often anyways now we going to have sex even less. All this has made me a little upset but I want to know if I have a right to be upset? Or am I being ridiculous?
Edit: I just want to say thank you to everyone’s comments it’s exactly what I needed. It’s here body it’s her choice and I respect that. I was just upset and need to get over myself because I do love her.
Edit 2: I am going to talk to her about this fear as suggested in the comments
39 comments
I think you have a right to be upset, as you said that’s kind of overkill imo. But also it’s her body
While I agree it’s overkill, it’s her body and if she’s that worried about it then you need to respect it.
I understand how you feel but that’s still plenty of days left, and as someone else said, it’s her body.
I can understand the tension here.
However, it is her body so if this is her rule then you should respect that.
My advice here is to ask her if she’d be comfortable with other intimate acts that don’t risk pregnancy when she’s ovulating. I.e. blowjobs, massages, handjobs, etc.
She’s very worried about getting pregnant so she’s taking practical steps to avoid it to ease her mind which you have to respect.
Sex doesn’t have to be just penetration. There are other ways to enjoy yourselves and not get pregnant. It makes sense that she doesn’t want to get pregnant and in the end it’s her body and her choice so it is important to respect that. I’d suggest that you discuss having oral sex only (or whatever else that doesn’t involve you putting your penis inside her vagina) when it comes to ovulation period that way you can still be intimate and be safe at the same time.
Does she recognise on a rational level that this is overkill? The pill taken properly or condoms used properly are very reliable. Using them both even more so. She or you can research this, or she can speak to a sexual health professional and be told that. Does she understand this in her head, but have a feeling of anxiety she just can’t get past? Or does she genuinely believe there is a risk of her getting pregnant?
While the two of you work on this (because it might not be a quick fix) can you have sex or intimacy in other ways during those days? Oral and touching and things?
I don’t think you are being ridiculous by considering this overkill. But ultimately she’s the one who makes the rules for when a cock can go in her.
Ultimately, it’s her body. However, I would perhaps try to have a calm conversation with her in a non-sexual context about her fears. If she is on the pill and takes it correctly, plus you wear a condom correctly, then the possibility of getting pregnant is ridiculously low. Also, if she’s on the pill, she isn’t ovulating by definition. So why is she so afraid? To be clear, I’m suggesting opening up the conversation, not going in an accusatory fashion.
She obviously has a phobia of getting pregnant so try to have a group discussion including her gynecologist to put these fears in check. Regardless of the outcome and as all have been saying her choice in the end regardless of how much you convince.
While I can understand her… This is an extreme overkill… I feel like there’s is more to it resulting in this extreme fear.
I mean its her body and her choice but still… It just sounds wrong to be that afraid.
The more governments take away women’s bodily autonomy, the more common this is going to become.
Her fears are COMPLETELY understandable – respect that and be appreciative that she’s willing to have sex with you at all.
It’s definitely her body, her choice and I think you are both handling it great with the communication etc – can I ask though, is she enjoying/initiating etc sex when everything is good to go? I only ask because there is always a possibility that she may also just not be that interested in sex, hence the lots of rules.
I could be and hope I am way off base but it’s something to consider in case you end up together long term and find out down the track that it wasn’t just the pregnancy fear, but a lack of wanting sex as well, which might be incompatible for you long term.
As I said I could be way off, but it did cross my mind when you think about how little you two will find the opportunity, how much safety you have around it, and that she’s not interested in replacing PIV with other types of intimacy.
Otherwise and regardless- good work listening to her fears and working around them my dude!
You could have a talk with her about her anxiety around sex. I’m not sure what quality sex education y’all are getting or have gotten but the pill is something like 98-99% effective when used properly; condoms also about 97-99% effective when used properly. So your chances of an unplanned pregnancy are astronomically low. It’s still a non-zero chance; but extremely, ridiculously low. Do y’all know that?
It is, however, her body. So whatever conditions she has in this regard deserve respect regardless.
Frankly, it’s my belief that if sex causes you this degree of anxiety, it’s best to abstain while you seek help to moderate that anxiety. But maybe it’s a good idea to go together to a place like Planned Parenthood and ask questions together from the licensed, science-based, medical professionals as a way of getting good information and alleviating that anxiety
If she’s taking the pill correctly she actually shouldn’t be ovulating at all, that’s part of how it works.
Maybe get her some of those ovulation tests to help ease her mind or a chat with the pharmacist next time she grabs her prescription?
I understand her fear, but with already being on the pill, using condoms and pulling out, the chances are so so small!
Obviously you need to respect her and her boundaries but honestly, depending on the type of pill she tales, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have to worry about ovulating.
I agree with it’s her body her choice. However, that does not mean you are in the wrong for wanting a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
If at some point this becomes a deal breaker with you that is normal. Before it comes to that I would have a real conversation about where this is coming from.
For example, is this just about a pregnancy scare? Sometimes people have other hangups that are hard to talk about so they rationalize it with other reasons.
The way she acting it makes me wonder if she is uncomfortable with sex. The way she keeps escalating reasons to not have sex.
I would have a very upfront and direct conversation and ask if there is anything else going on and that you will not judge her.
Obviously you must respect her decisions. However, it’s important in a relationship to know why someone thinks, behaves, acts they way they do. So that you really understand each other and have a healthy relationship.
Where do you live? You have to understand that currently US women are looking at our bodily autonomy disappearing. When abortion bans happen that remove that option after women normally discover they are pregnant it isn’t that surprising.
She may be responding to the fact that if there is an issue she no longer has a safety net. I am now past that stage of my life and never needed an abortion but I always knew it was there. I realize that this is me projecting my fears onto someone else but until you talk to her you won’t understand where she is coming from.
I like to put things in perspective for people. Do the math for the odds. Then bring up something that she takes for granted that have similar odds. Lottery, car accident, etc. Sometimes people don’t know how low the odds are until you frame it
Both of you guys need further education on the subject matter to make better decisions, but the sexual incompatibility is starting to show. Communication and logical thoughts is going to be crucial for this one.
The poor thing sounds as though she’s terrified of getting pregnant. Maybe if you had a backup plan like enough money for an abortion and a plane ticket to an area where it’s legal if that’s a problem?
Have you talked about what would happen if she did get pregnant? Honestly, you need to have that talk if you’re going to be having sex regularly. Bear in mind she will possibly be frightened, defensive and emotional. It’s her body and her life on the line if she does get pregnant so it’s understandable.
Be very gentle and subtle in bringing this stuff up initially if you can initially. She’s obviously afriad of becoming pregnent, or perhaps contracting STDs even factors in. Either way, try your best to be supportive and listen to her fears, talk things out.
Wishing you all the best in working through this.
Edit: Perhaps some stats on the effectiveness of multiple contraceptives would help ease her mind?
Edit Edit: She;’s on the pill, right? Right?? She should be. For peace of mind if nothing else.
Just like some others already mentioned, oral contraceptives prevent ovulation. So your gf either takes the pills incorrectly or doesn’t take them at all.
You should seek for other sexual partners without her knowledge.
Well it’s very clear that she doesn’t want to be impregnated by you!
The pill STOPS a person from ovulating
Personally I’d bin her off.
Ridiculous conditions to set.
I read this and thought ‘wow, that is paranoid’ but then I realised.. maybe you live in America and abortion is illegal in places there…
And then it made sense to me.
(Fuck places that make abortion illegal)
Does she seem to enjoy sex in general?
Because people who really like sex don’t keep making it happen less and less and less.
OP said he respects her choice, yet the comments are like “you need to respect her choice!”. YES HE SAID THAT JEEZ
1. You have a right to be upset and you’re not being ridiculous. And i’m sure your understand that you have a right to feel upset AND no right to nag or coerce her into doing something she’s nervous about. From your post, I trust that you are able to deal with some amount of frustration in a healthy way.
2. If she is on the pill, she isn’t ovulating Using the pill + condoms + pull out is already an overkill, but understandable. “Ovulation” isn’t happening. Not having sex on ovulation days that are not happening in the first place is BS. Wether she knows it is BS is another question. I think you need to show her statistics about the methods of contraception you’re both using, and that the difference between pill + condoms + pullout and pill + comdoms + pullout + cycle awareness is…nothing. The calculations are pretty easy to do. EDIT: some minipills don’t reliably prevent ovulation
3. She doesn’t want to explore other kinds of intimacy. That…might be an attraction problem. And one of the reasons why she is having less and less sex with you and setting up all these rules miiiight be because she is trying to avoid sex. The reason for that may range from “has been assaulted and doesn’t want to make you angry” to “she is testing how much control and bs you may put up with”. Impossible to know. In this case, wether you’re willing to put up with games is entirely your call. But that’ absolutely, purely speculation on my part.
4. Love is only one part of the equation. Don’t make decisions solely based on love.
5. If you do talk to her about what has been said in the comments, say very clearly that you’re not trying to guilt/coerce/nag her into doing something she isn’t comfortable with and that her comfort is a priority. Repeat calmly like a broken record is she gets angry or puts words in your mouth.
People are saying it’s her body and choice and they are correct of course. But you don’t have to sacrifice your happiness if that’s what it comes down to. Sexual incompatibility is a very difficult thing to overcome in a relationship. It sounds like you are doing all the work here and the only one who is prioritizing sex in your relationship. That can cause resentment and frustration. It seems like you are probably young and inexperienced. Don’t ignore your feelings. If you can’t find a middle ground that makes you both happy, move on. Life is too short. Sex is a need for some people and that’s ok. Find someone that shares your feelings in that regard.
She’s super paranoid and anxious about getting pregnant but that’s understandable. Maybe educate her a little
My parents always taught me not to rely on one method, use at least 2. But this is like… 4. Yeah, young pregnancy is scary, and if you are in the US with potential abortion bans coming, it’s even scarier. She does get to lay the ground rules for how you use her body though! I understand youre frustrated, but just have an open honest conversation with her about it and respect her boundaries. If this is something you can’t get over, it might not be the right relationship for you.
If you’re in many parts of the USA, she is watching her body autonomy erode with her human rights.
Have you tried talking to her about whether losing her right and access to birth control is affecting her?
Yes a child would impact both of your lives, but just a pregnancy could kill her due to this lack of legal healthcare.
The risk of getting pregnant is actually a risk on her life in these regressive states outlawing abortion.
You’re right that sexual compatibility is vital to a relationship, and so is mutual respect. It’s good that you came here looking for perspective and a way to talk about this.
If her human rights are at the core of her fear, maybe there are other ways you can demonstrate that you care about her safety. Since you’re clearly enjoying the benefits of birth control, consider contributing to the cause with your time and/or money.
But first, talking to her is step one.
ETA: birth control fails, but I love the idea someone else had about setting aside savings for an emergency. This includes having Plan B on hand, but more so, having money for the necessary travel expenses and cost of an abortion. Depending on where you live that could easily be $1,000 to $1,500.
Why are people just telling you that it is her body and you should respect than when it is obvious you just know that and you have clearly been respecting it? Like, you are in your right to feel anyway you want to feel with this situation.
It is not like, “it is her choice, don’t do anything about it” as someone previously said, that it is her body doesn’t mean you dont have expectations or right to have a fulfilled sex life.
Respecting what you feel or what you want is not against respecting someone else’s boundaries. They both can coexist perfectly.
You have the right in your relationship to talk about how you feel about this from the love and being completely respectful about this, remember this is a delicate theme.
She can also see a therapist if she wants to. Or you both can search another type of sex which is not penetration.
Or in case she doesn’t want to do anything about it. IT. IS OKAY (like you have been said) but you have the choice to stay or go since you already know that nothing will change.
It made me a little upset how people were reacting Indifferent to how you feel and just telling you a thruth that you already know. I hope you feel better soon and that you both have a fulfilled relationship together respecting each others boundaries.
Good luck and nice day:^)
Why are people just telling you that it is her body and you should respect than when it is obvious you just know that and you have clearly been respecting it? Like, you are in your right to feel anyway you want to feel with this situation.
It is not like, “it is her choice, don’t do anything about it” as someone previously said, that it is her body doesn’t mean you dont have expectations or right to have a fulfilled sex life.
Respecting what you feel or what you want is not against respecting someone else’s boundaries. They both can coexist perfectly.
You have the right in your relationship to talk about how you feel about this from the love and being completely respectful about this, remember this is a delicate theme.
She can also see a therapist if she wants to. Or you both can search another type of sex which is not penetration.
Or in case she doesn’t want to do anything about it. IT. IS OKAY (like you have been said) but you have the choice to stay or go since you already know that nothing will change.
It made me a little upset how people were reacting Indifferent to how you feel and just telling you a thruth that you already know. I hope you feel better soon and that you both have a fulfilled relationship together respecting each others boundaries.
Good luck and nice day:^)
I mean yes yes it’s her body blah blah and all that, her choice etc etc. But.
These conditions seem very extreme, how long before she decides ABSOLUTELY NO SEX is the way forward?
If you’re wearing a condom, then you shouldn’t have to pull out when cumming. I’d get a new girlfriend
Most of the time someone is in a conflict with something they won’t or can’t tell.
Maybe something happened you don’t know of.
>Or am I being ridiculous?
No, you’re not being ridiculous. Most people use only one form of birth control. Using two is the gold standard when you really, really don’t want to risk pregnancy. Using two is required when a woman takes Accutane, because the birth defects caused by taking Accutane while pregnant are pretty horrific.
You two are using **FOUR types of birth control** at once! The Pill, condoms, withdrawal, AND the rhythm method.
The issue here is her anxiety. I’m not a doctor, I can’t tell you if she has an anxiety disorder, but if she’s cripplingly anxious about lots of things in her life, not just pregnancy, then it’s worth seeing a doctor about it.
You will have a choice to make soon whether to stay with her or break up. Does she even _like_ sexual things? Not just PIV intercourse, what about giving or receiving oral? Does she like it when you finger her? Has she ever used a vibrator, even just to try it out? Does she enjoy having orgasms? Has she even had one?
If she’s anti-sex, not just anti-pregnancy, then you cannot expect her to change. She’ll always be that way. If you’re not anti-sex, then you two are not compatible.
Have you tried anal sex?
There may be a lot of reasons for this:
1. She truly is terrified of getting pregnant. Does she have friends and family who got pregnant young or got pregnant while using contraceptives? Some have mentioned that you don’t ovulate on the pill, but it depends what kind you’re taking. Its worth breaking down these fears and talking about the reality of how safe you need to be. If she’s not on a mini pill, she shouldn’t be ovulating. Does she know that? Maybe that would ease her fears.
2. She isn’t enjoying sex and is using the pregnancy fear to avoid having it. This could be for a lot of reasons. Maybe she never explored her own sexuality enough to know what she likes so she just goes with what you want. Or maybe there’s something like vaginismus that makes sex not pleasurable or even extremely painful. Many girls with the condition don’t know that they have it and, are embarrassed to admit sex is painful because they think their partner will resent them. Either way, an open dialogue about how sex is for her in general might help. Also, be honest about how her first time was or what led up to it. Was it organic for her? Was there any coercion at all (even non-malicous, did you ever make comments about wanting to have sex soon or anything). Sex is less enjoyable if you do it to please your partner and not when you’re really ready.
3. She feels ashamed by sex. Was she brought up conservative/religious? She may feel ashamed about pre marital sex and try to find ways to have less of it to calm her conscience.
Youre not ridiculous for being frustrated. Sex is normal for you. You want to have regular sex with your girlfriend. But, there’s no ultimatum you can or should put forward to fix the problem. It has to be a conversation. Find out what her feelings are towards sex, why she doesn’t like other acts of sexual intimacy and where they may be opportunities to make it better for you both.