Last night, my girlfriend was teasing me while I was soft domming her and I pulled her hair. We are a very kinky couple and this situation happens all the time. This time though, she didn’t like it(I may have pulled too hard) and she used our safe word. I immediately stopped and tried comforting her, though she ended up comforting me for the most part. I felt like I hurt her and I couldn’t imagine trying to forgive myself if I had. She kept saying it was okay, we were okay. She didn’t know why it had bothered her. My question is, am I a bad boyfriend? I can’t help but feel I did something terrible. And a little silly, even after all her comforting last night and today, I’m still seeking closure from kind reddit strangers
49 comments
Thats why theres a safe word she used it you respected it thats it it happens
I wouldn’t say so. The safe word is there for this exact scenario.
Not only that when she used it, you listened and acted accordingly. Further to this, you feel remorse for it happening.
Only if you’d ignored it!
You did everything right. You set up the safe word, knew to stop immediately when it was used and returned to being a loving partner after stopping. A+ and some gold stars for you. Continue to be like this.
Edit: grammer
If you walked to the edge of her soft limits and obeyed when she told you to go no further, you’re fine!! If you ignored a hard limit that you had previously discussed beforehand, that would be where you did something wrong. You’re experiencing the drop, it’s perfectly natural for both Ds & Ss. That’s why ongoing clear, concise communication is vital, as well as aftercare. You’re totally normal for feeling some guilt, it means you respect your girlfriend’s boundaries and feel empathy!
You did great dude.
TBH the fact that she was comfortable using the safe word for something relatively minor is a great sign. IMHO people are way too skittish about safe words. Bottoms hesitate to use them, which leads to bad situations getting worse – don’t get me fucking started about tops that react critically to their bottoms using safe words.*
* There is such a thing as safe word abuse, but it’s super rare.
You are a good boyfriend specifically because your girlfriend used her safe word! You made her feel secure enough to use it, and you respected her when she did.
And the person being dominant in scenes needs aftercare too! No need to feel silly, like at all. When you’re pushing her limits (within her hard boundaries) you’re having to invest emotional energy in walking that line and monitoring her pleasure and pain. It can be scary to know that you’ve gone over that line, and that’s why doms need safewords and reassurance too.
What you’ve described sounds healthy. Finding and negotiating these boundaries is super normal in this kind of play. If you need more aftercare let her know! And use this as a chance to reconnect and reestablish both of your boundaries, if needed.
You guys did great! Sounds like you both really care about each others comfort.
It’s worth looking up the traffic light system. It can be helpful to have a word that means ‘that’s a little too much, but don’t completely stop’.
Clear communication is obviously good for everyone. You don’t want everyone getting upset over a misunderstanding. And you don’t want your partner to learn that using their safe word when they’re only mildly uncomfortable ruins the mood because they might stop using it and suffer being uncomfortable because it’s not too bad. Hence a medium / yellow safe word.
Things worked as they should. It sounds like you’re kind’a prone to dom drop. That actually seems okay as you GF seemed to pick up on it right away and comforted you.
I’d keep alert and up your aftercare game. Not only you comforting her, but her telling you did things that she wanted and enjoyed.
This is why you have safe words. If you didn’t stop, then you would be a bad human – not just a bad boyfriend.
You did everything right – these things happen in play.
I think you are good. Safe words exist to be used in this exact type of scenarios.
I also think that knowing your partner will stop immediately if you ask them to, it’s very reassuring and creates a safe space for more sexual experimentation in the future.
You are a good boyfriend for stopping at hearing the safeword.
Doesn’t sound like it. You stopped as soon as you were asked to, and showed concern for your partner, sounds like you’re very attentive couple. Just for the future, do you have a sort of intermediate safe word? So rather than just an outright stop, a word that basically means ease up on whatever you’re doing, so for example in this case maybe pull the hair less tightly. I know the traffic light system is quite common, so red is stop, and yellow/amber is to ease up.
no, absolutely not. safe words are there for a reason, and as long as you abide by them, you have no reason to feel bad. if she’s not upset about it, neither should you 🙂
You did great, don’t worry about it.
It sounds like you responded completely appropriately. This is what safe words are for
Nah, u good man. You reacted in the best way possible. You stopped, backed up and tried to comfort her. That’s what safe words are made for. You did the best thing that you could do in this situation. Don’t blame yourself.
You did very well. She signed up for experimenting and as well. It’s risky in terms of potentially disliking some moments but that’s partly why people like it. She has her own decision making and agency which should be respected.
The way you’re feeling is normal, but don’t dwell on it too long. You haven’t done anything terrible. And frankly a single hair pull is just never going to be that physically damaging or feel that terrible. She just told you when she started feeling off immediately, which she’s supposed to do, and her feeling that way may have nothing to do with you at all – a memory surfacing involuntarily, a smell or just a general vibe and momentary preference for softer play can all cause that without you doing something wrong.
As most people here said, you did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad. It’s great that you immediately stopped and reflect on what’s happened.
However, and this might go against what most other people are writing here, I think your strong guilt right now is not a great reaction. You wrote that she ended up conforting you and that she tried to explain (even justify) why she used the word. It could be possible that you are making her feel bad to have used the safe word and that you are thereby involuntarily guilt tripping her even though she did nothing wrong as well.
If she sees that you feel bad after she used the safe word she might hesitate to use the safe word in the future. So keep communicating and make sure that she knows that using the safe word is ok and that she won’t hurt you if she does it! Also maybe start thinking about using the traffic light system.
No, you are a responsible and qualified boyfriend. I read your story, you play by the rules and comfort your girlfriend. You needn’t have to worry about it anymore.
My friend I have hear story’s where the dom treated they’re sub like they were not even human, like they were objects, not in a kinky way but full on abuse. Safe words do not exist to such monsters.
A safe word is the only thing the stops doms from crossing a line. It is an agreement to go no further then the point the sub allows. At the end of the day it is what keeps a real sub in control of the situation.
You respected that line, you did nothing wrong
You immediately listened to her safeword, you’re still worried you may have crossed a deeper line even though she’s reassured you that things are okay. The fact you care so deeply to me says you’re not a bad bf at all.
No!
That is the point of a safe word. You did the right thing. You both did.
Listen, I think you did everything right in regards to stopping upon hearing the safe word and comforting your partner. BUT I would encourage you to not think of the safe word as an indicator that you did something wrong. It’s there to make communication easier, not to make you feel like a villain. For example, I tend to prefer things on the rougher side 99% of the time, but some days my body just really hates any form of pain for no reason. It happens.
So, I think you just need to reframe the way you look at the safe word for your own peace of mind in the future.
You are not a bad boyfriend, stuff like that happens and you aren’t the bad guy here. Just because she used it does not make you a bad boyfriend. You reacted properly, you stopped what you were doing and this was probably a shock to you since it was a situation you both were familiar with.
So no, you’re not a bad boyfriend. You’re doing good and listen to your girlfriend as well, okay? You got this OP!
She said the safeword for her to not get hurt, which is the reason it exists.
You stopped after she said the safeword which was the right thing to do.
=> You basically couldn’t have done anything better
I mean, that’s exactly what the safeword is for. Of course you don’t want to take it as far in order to it interrupt whatever you’re doing, but you set up a safeword, she used it, you stopped, nobody was hurt and she is okay. Sounds like a working system to me. Don’t worry about it.
No, that’s why you have safewords. Everything is fine. Keep talking about it with her.
What you explained here is straightforward, you probably know on some level that you behaved the right way. Maybe youre feeling like this because some stress in your life is causing anxiety.
These feelings say to me that you may want to ask yourself some questions as a dom though: Were you focusing and taking care of your sub while playing? Did you approach known limits in a reasonable and familiar manner? Do you have things you need to communicate with your sub that youve put off for some reason? Have you evaluated your own limits and are you pushing them by playing too often?
If everything checks out then remember that trust goes both ways. You need to trust that your sub will use the safeword when she needs it and that she believes your intentions are good. Maybe let your sub take care of you for a night, emotionally, or maybe take a break from the life for a bit and remind yourself of the strength she has that lets her be a sub.
Safe words don’t mean you did something bad, they mean the situation may have either been too intense or caused a response that wasn’t expected. Not stopping would have been bad. Have a discussion about it.
My partner found it difficult to use safe words, which was a problem and so we came up with an exercise where I instructed them to use a safe word even if it wasn’t warranted. The first time, they wouldn’t do it, so I stopped the scene early. The next time, they used the safe word. I stopped the scene and told them how proud I was and comforted them. We then had another scene. It ended up being one of our most empowering and emotional scenes. My partner learned that they could trust me to stop even in a situation in which there was no reason to stop. Since then I have instructed them to occasionally call a safe word regardless of the situation and they have done so several times.
Safe words are a positive part of a d/s relationship and the use and respect for them are a sign of a healthy, trusting and communicative relationship. Don’t take it as a sign of defeat or wrongdoing. Take it as a sign of trust. Talk about what was positive about the scene, what wasn’t and learn from it for the future.
You’re actually a great boyfriend and that’s why she comforted you. Us women have been through a lot, trust me…she probably genuinely appreciates that you automatically stopped and looked after her.
Dude, you did everything exactly as it’s intended to be done. That’s exactly what the safe word is for
You are definitely not a bad boyfriend. You handled that EXACTLY how you should have. Also, this isn’t said often enough: DOMS NEED AFTERCARE TOO!
I’m a very experienced Dom.
Half the fun (sometimes) is **trying** to get your sub to break, and they really enjoy resisting, using restraint, pushing themselves to not say the safe word…
But the break is pretty inevitable.
Aftercare. Commination.
Make love to your sweet girl.
You’ll both be fine. You’re not a monster.
Back at em, bud. You’ve got this.
You’re definitely not a bad BF. And kudos to her as well! The entire scenario reads “Healthy Relationship” to me.
A.) She Safe worded And you immediately listened.
B.) Because you were genuinely remorseful, she also could see that she needed to reassure you.
Kudos to you both.
I completely understand your immediate reaction – speaking as a married man, I would be the same; I would feel absolutely terrible if I thought I might have hurt or upset my wife in bed.
BUT, please try to remember this – you set up a safe word for EXACTLY this situation, to make sure that if things go too far, it can be stopped before any serious damage, physically or psychologically, can be done; and your girlfriend used it – that is GOOD. It means you can trust her to let you know when things are going too far and not just “power through” and then spring you with the surprise that things went too far. Also, aftercare DOES need to go both ways sometimes, so it’s good that she was able to step up and do her part; it sounds like she reacted in time to stop her being too upset, you stopped (well done btw, so far everything you two did was the right course of action), then she saw that you needed the aftercare more than she did. The fact she didn’t know why this time was so triggering is part of being human – sometimes it can just be the “wrong” time where SOMETHING has just not been QUITE right and so emotions are more fragile than usual.
Please try to remember and believe her words – things are fine (and again, if you are having trouble believing her, remember that you trusted her with the use of the safe word to stop you unknowingly going too far – and she kept her promise to use it! She has proven she is trustworthy, so hang onto that; if she can be trusted to stop things going too far, she can be trusted with telling you the truth), and perhaps tell her that you will perhaps need some time before engaging in any more soft dom play for a while – make your next few times more “vanilla” so you can get back your intimacy and reassure your anxious mind.
i don’t think so. she used the safe word and you responded correctly to it. it exists for a reason and that’s so you can stop doing whatever it is that she reeeeally doesn’t like in the moment. i think you should feel good that she feels safe enough to use it for something “minor”. i can see how it makes you feel crappy to have it used though. it sucks to know you hurt them or made them uncomfortable, but it happens with kinky sex.
Oh no you’re far from a bad boyfriend! You did everything right, stopped immediately after she said the safe word and tried to comfort her. Most importantly you are reflecting on this incident and feeling bad for possibly hurting her there, means you care about her a lot!
Don’t worry, you are a good one 🙂
Edit: Perhaps try to talk to her about it, see if you can find out what was bothering her, so you can make sure it doesn’t happen next time.
Your reaction (stopping and comforting) shows you didn’t want to hurt her and this post also shows that you didn’t want to go past her limit. This is what safe words are for, you’re “hurting her” and don’t necessarily know how close to her limit you are. Her telling you that you passed her limit doesn’t make you bad, you’re not a mind reader. Just keep that same attitude.
No. That’s what the safe word is for. You stopped. You did the right thing. 🙂
Stopping quickly and caring is literally what being a good sexual partner looks like.
I’d say that your a good BF for stopping when she used her safe word. Your also good for having that set up so that if do go to far she can tell you.
I have had my GF use her safe word before. I was pushing her but stopped as soon as she used it.
That’s what the safe word is for, and if you never hear her say it then you may not be pushing her as far as she really wants to go. Be prepared to hear it, just because she said it once doesn’t mean she will say it if you push that hard again. And on the other hand sometimes you will push a little and hear her say it sooner. Trust is everything and you did exactly what you should do when you hear it, talk with her about what triggered her to say it, then work on that.
Good BF.
This is such a sweet breath of fresh air to all the posts about ‘I love my SO, they’re so sweet and loving, but how do I get them to stop sexually assaulting me’.
You’re not a bad person. That’s what it’s for.
That being said, it’s bad practice to turn someone having to use their safeword into YOU needing to be comforted solely. You need to be more confident in your behaviors so that you don’t leave your partner aftercare less after you hurt them. Make sure you do give as much as you get.
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So subs can react differently to things at different times. Hence the reason why safewords are included/used.
If after she used it, you would have continued or scolded her for using it, then I could see you feeling bad.
The fact that you guys communicated afterwards is the best art of the situation!
Unpopular opinion:
You overreacted. If anything you’ve made your girlfriend feel uncomfortable using the safe word, if every time she uses it she has to end up consoling you.
A safe word doesn’t mean you are a terrible person, it just means she wants to stop. Making it a huge deal makes it hard to use the word without fearing consequences and stress.
As OP’s GF i want to address some concerns that i keep seeing being brought up.
1. OP and I have a very open relationship and we stop and talk about anything and everything that bothers us as soon as we feel it. (sex or non-sex related)
2. I have had bad experiences with SA from a past relationship and OP has expressed many concerns about keeping me safe and feeling comfortable. (which he is amazing at)
3. We are both switches and often take turns in roles, so aftercare is huge for both of us and learning what “dom drop” is from this thread is something that i believe will greatly help the understanding of the situation
4. i don’t know why it bothered me, just a in-the-moment thing
5. i am NOT a victim, nor do i blame OP. he has never once crossed any boundaries, which is why i think me using the safe word for the first time worried him.
6. PEOPLE HAVE FEELINGS. OP is allowed to have his own feelings that may not align with mine or anyone else’s. the fact that some of y’all want to call him out on being “too emotional” or “overactive” is mind blowing to me. He is a human being that is worried and needed reassurance that he didn’t do anything wrong. In no way do i feel disrespected or distrusted by his post- if anything it shows me just how much he cares.
7. We will definitely be trying out the levels for safe words. I admit that it didn’t feel like a huge safe word moment, so the new system will help us stay connected and more understanding of the situation.
8. THANK YOU to all of the kind people helping us out. We are both new(ish) to bdsm and still learning. It means a lot that so many people are kind enough to give advice and assurance. I appreciate you so much.