My girlfriend broke up with me after a 3 year sexless relationship. How can I heal?

23 comments

1. bro of course she not gonna say she’ll wait another 3 years for someone else, it could be to spite you, it could be her true self showing how much she actually led you on.

2. Just thank God and life goes on.

3. Don’t be so worried about sex and who has it, when, and with who. Move on, get yours where you can. Don’t be with people who don’t want to have sex with you if you’re interested in having sex.

   You’ve learned an important lesson about fulfillment in relationships. If you give up things you need for promises that the other person will meet that need someday you’re going to get resentful and disappointed.

   Also, asking if they’re going to wait with the next person only served to be hurtful to you both. You because it opened her up to tell you no, and her because it confirms that all along you were not okay with waiting.

4. What she does in her next relationship need not matter to you. What you do in your next relationship is none of her business either. I understand that you are hurting now but it will get better with time. Now you’re going to have the chance to discover how wonderful and fulfilling a complete relationship can be. Grieve the loss of your relationship now so you can be ready for the next one when the time comes. You will be so glad you did.

5. THIS IS HOW YOU HEAL:

   STEP 1.

   You understand that your needs and desires are normal, natural and healthy. You did nothing wrong, your being is not wrong. Breath. Relax. Start by accepting yourself there. You did not push her away. Sex is great, it is healthy, positive, it releases positive mood hormones, it keeps couples together and brings them closer.

   STEP 2.

   You understand that you graduated from a 3 year long relationship. Congratulations, you are boyfriend material. You are stable, loving, giving. You focus your interest on one person. You proved you can do relationships, and that makes you attractive for the ladies. Not only you are not a creep to want sex, you are a man among men. This would have been true even if you had had sex during your relationship. But without it, you also proved yourself to be selfless and patient. You showed grit. You may want to balance that later on (and more on that later) but for now, understand that you are a relationship superhero. Understand that you deserve a loving and caring partner that will respect your needs, desires and wishes and will be excited and honoured to fulfil them.

   STEP 3.

   You feel like you’re the good guy and that got you cock blocked. That may seem to be true, but it isn’t. It’s (maybe) true with your ex, and might be true with others like her. It doesn’t mean you have to change to fit them. It means you need to look elsewhere. Do not ruin your good side for the sake of unfitting ladies. While this behaviour may get you to some benefits on the short term, it’s not what you want long term. Be happy with who you are and remember you will be rewarded for that.

   STEP 4.

   Having said that, you may want to gain more experiences. In general, positive experiences will build your self esteem and will let you trust yourself. This will provide the freedom to choose who to date, and how to approach her. Go out. While I advised not to change, I do suggest you get to know different sides within you. Don’t play the bad boy, but decide you are not willing to be the good boy that you are, just temporarily.

   STEP 5.

   Build yourself. You are your greatest asset, and the person you will spend the rest of your life with. Invest in your health, your job, your hobbies, your family, your friends. Not to be more attractive for the ladies. To be more happy with yourself. You don’t heal on where you were harmed. You build and strengthen everything else. Work your positives, your advantages. Don’t waste energy on other things. Once you are fulfilled, you will be happy, partnered or unpartnered. As a side effect, the ladies won’t be able to get enough of you. But that is not why you do it.

   STEP 6.

   It’s a numbers game. You will find the one that suits you and complement you. The one that is excited about who you really are. That wants sex with you for her, not just for you. One that is kind, loving, caring, and dirty. But in order to find her, you will need to skip on many distractions. Do go for short term relationships, but if it’s not what you want – don’t stay there. Not 3 years, not even 3 weeks. Learn to move on quickly. It’s a numbers game but you have to play it to win.

   STEP 7.

   Community. Find support with friends, family, online. But make sure they help you with your heal plan and not distract or confuse you.

   Good luck. I believe in you. I was where you are now. I promise you things will look totally different.

   PS

   Notice I didn’t write anything about your ex. She is not a part of your heal plan. I won’t tell you to forget her, never think about her, or delete her contact info. I won’t tell you anything about her. If you need to cry yourself to sleep, do it. If you need to think about her – well, you can. Just know it’s not part of your healing plan, and it might slow things down or even turn them around. Healing is understanding she is not the problem, not the cause, not anything. She’s just a distraction. She blocked you for 3 years and now she’s out of the way. Unless you insist to let her block you again.

6. You sound like you believe she was obligated to have sex with you, that you have more right to it than the next person. This accompanied with the fact you would be disgusted having sex with a non-virgin makes me believe you have really unhealthy, toxic, misogynistic views on sex. I would worry about that instead of when and whom your ex will be fucking.

   The whole “I deserve this bc i did a lot for you” vibe would make me also not want to fuck you for 3 yrs.

7. 100% she will have sex woth the next guy in under a month.

   Sorry OP. Young relationships are fucking weird. You’re clearly better off.

8. My first gf had more sex with other guys while we were together than with me. And that is 20+ guys. I was working on weekends at that time and she was very busy. One time she overslept at a guy place and could not hide it anymore. Each their own misery.

9. Get laid.

10. Moving on think about what this has taught you for the next relationship. The lesson here is she was sexually incompatible with you (and really most men). You should have broken up with her. Much earlier. You have your own agency and you don’t need to feel bad exercising it.

11. People don’t owe you sex, even after 3 years of dating. You need to get over whatever hang up you have on this because this viewpoint is incredibly unhealthy.

12. Anyone else getting massive serial killer vibes from the OP?

13. You probably won’t feel healed until you’re in a proper relationship having good sex.

    The lessons here are:

    1. You can’t expect someone to change during a relationship. If who they are and what they do isn’t right for you, then don’t stick around hoping it will change.

    2. Sex is really important in a relationship. Don’t stay with someone you’re not sexually compatible with.

    As for her, who cares? Maybe it was an anti-sex mindset or maybe it was vaginismus. Maybe this relationship helped her make progress or maybe it set her back. Who knows. You should stop thinking about your ex and start focusing on dating.

14. You wasted 3 years on this weirdo.

    Don’t waste ANY more time thinking uselessly on it. Live your life.

15. What’s best for you is to focus on the future and move on. I’m very sorry that she lead you on like that, it’s really disappointing when your partner isn’t truthful or transparent about their intentions with you. All is not lost, this is a learning opportunity about the importance of honest communication.

    You were absolutely right not to pester her for sex but you are still allowed to talk to your future partners about your sexual wants and needs to make sure you’re on the same page.

16. Man this sucks to hear and it’s a big part of the reason a lot of guys are opting out of relationship, but this is how the game works. Best advise is to create something build it, eat some steak and do something new that you will enjoy.

17. Not to come off as unsympathetic here … but your story reminded me of this scene: https://youtu.be/3c2KoWddKD4

    If it’s any consolation, 90% of men have had an experience similar to this one. These experiences are LESSONS in boundaries and respecting YOURSELF first ☝🏻 BEFORE you consider other people … because YOUR limited lifetime on this earth and YOUR needs and wants as a man are important too 🤷‍♂️

    If a situation is not working for YOU, then be HONEST with yourself (not “patient” or “hopeful”). Is it working for you? Yes or no? If the answer is not an immediate YES, then it’s a “NO.” Accept that. Don’t fight reality in favor of wishful thinking or fantasy.

    If a woman wants to have sex with you – she will. It’s that simple. “Waiting” is not going to do anything to change that. You play your own self when you fall into that kind of thinking.

    Like the video clip above illustrates … give me your time and money 💰… invest in me … and “I promise” you that we will have sex in the next three (3) years 🤣🤣🤣 🤡🤡🤡 😆😆😆

    You got played. It’s ok. You live and you learn.

18. You were used I won’t lie…

19. People are broken – and some more than others. My sister was married in her 30’s and was a virgin. She didn’t have sex with her husband for something like six months. We’ve had significant family trauma and this is apparently how it affected her.

    If there’s one thing I’ve learned in my 50 years… If it’s important to you, don’t put yourself in a position of feeling regret, or worse, resentment.

20. >Will she not feel any guilt or regret if she doesn’t make her next relationship wait a little over three years?

    Of course she won’t. But you can’t dwell on her or you’re just going to let her continue to hurt you.

21. You heal by making up for the lost past 3 yrs and having shitload of fun

22. Find someone to have sex with. You’ll be amazed how quickly you heal.

23. I’m sorry you went through that. For the future, never wait for a relationship to hopefully one day meet your needs – at least not without a clear roadmap to how you’re going to get there. If your relationship isn’t giving you what you want now, don’t expect it to do so in the future.

    As for how to heal now – it’s really just time. Eventually this girl is going to be a footnote in your life story. Just try to avoid dwelling on it too much, if you catch yourself thinking thoughts of “what if”, just remember that if she were still with you, you still would be in a sexless relationship. One thing that helped me with some of my first big breakups is writing out a list of all the reasons why the relationship wasn’t working out and what made me unhappy in it. Whenever you feel yourself wishing you were still with her, consult that list, and remember that for every good thing about her, there is another woman who is just like that but is more compatible with you in other ways.