My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 1/2 years and I have gotten to know his many friends very well. I have ,truthfully, become infatuated with so many people in my life including his friends because I think I genuinely have a problem. I am aware of their flaws but still push them back and continue to adore everything else about them and half of the other men that I meet.
When it comes down to my boyfriend, I’m very aware of his flaws and don’t obsess over the good things about him. I appreciate most things about my boyfriend and love him but I worry about the things that he lacks.
Anyway, one of my boyfriends friends seems to have all of the things that my boyfriend lacks. He is way more open minded, more calm and straight forward. I adore it so much. The difference in these situations is that whenever I remind myself of his flaws- I feel like I’m acknowledging them and still just want to know more about him. I find myself wanting to text him or hang out with him. I think about him so much to the point that I want to hang out with him alone and just talk. I feel guilty because I picture us being without my boyfriend.
This makes me feel so sad because I would never do anything to disrespect my boyfriend. I care about him so much and I don’t want to like his friend. I really hope I don’t. I feel like this may just be a higher level of infatuation/ obsession and it is harder to get over because he is actually very compatible with me. Or is it not?
I literally can’t imagine my boyfriend not being in my future. We have built up our relationship a lot and we both tend to it constantly. We have a lot of fun together. But I’m worried that the only reason I can’t see his friend in my future is because I don’t know him as well??
P.S. his friend has a “type” and I do not fall under it whatsoever. I feel like part of my liking for him is because I want to prove that I can get him to fall for me. The issue is that I feel like I actually do like him aside from that weird validation thing.
4 comments
You have issues you have to work on. One of them being communication. You can essentially help your boyfriend mature and become the man you want him to be by sticking by his side and helping him grow as a significant other. But, he should be doing the same for you. Relationships are always a two-way street.
But the feelings you’ve created towards his friend are childish and very immature of you and you need to distance yourself from him immediately if you truly care for you boyfriend.
Sounds like you might be getting bored in your relationship, or maybe just some meandering thoughts of what could be in a parallel situation.
Surely you can piece together that attempting to split with your boyfriend would not only cause structural issues in your life & future from what you mentioned, his friend would likely want nothing to do with you if he really was your boyfriend’s friend.
Envisioning a scenario where you defy all odds, split hard with your current guy, and then go along and go for this friend of his: your fear of missing out with your now ex will probably greatly sink in especially if this individual you would be with now has a type you don’t fit into. This new individual may have the very same flaws your current boyfriend has, no way to know because people present themselves in a way better light than they really are. It’s just human nature.
Address with yourself: “Am I bored of this relationship?” “Do I just want something more exciting?” “Is this a passing thought?”
It is never worth trashing well established, important things in your life for validation. You could also address the idea that you may just want more affirmation from your current SO.
Do you have a therapist?
What you describe sounds like it goes a lot further than a simple crush. It sounds obsessive. Grass is greener and all that, but obsessively so.
Generally speaking, when your partner’s flaws take a forefront to their qualities in your assessment of them, it indicates you’re not happy or compatible.
But this sounds like a structural issue that you need to resolve in therapy as it will just happen again if you date this friend or any other person.
In good, healthy relationship with healthy people, you don’t get as infatuated with literally everyone you meet. That is an indication you have some issues to resolve.
Sounds like you could benefit from a therapist if you don’t already have one.
The grass isn’t always as it appears.