For context, we have been together for almost six months, we were close for about year prior and then eventually just wanted to be involved with each-other seriously. It’s long distance as I moved out of state for work. It’s not the most realistic situation, but we do make each other happy so we are continuing to give it a shot.
However.. My question isn’t really about him, it’s about his daughter. She’s 21 and really does not like me. I don’t blame her, I would feel really weird if my dad dated someone so close to my age as well. He hasn’t made much of an effort to smooth things between us and I don’t want to overstep. Him and her mom haven’t been together for over 10 years. He got married once again since her but it was very quick and they have been divorced for 3 years now.
That being said, I don’t want her feeling like I am trying to steal her dad away or cause any problems for her personally or make her uncomfortable. I have been kind of going about this like give her space until she’s ready to come around, but I also don’t want her to feel like I just dgaf about her or her relationship with her dad. Given her experiences with her dads relationships in the past, I understand why her walls are up.
He has invited me on family trips and tells me to just come even though she doesn’t like me but I haven’t gone yet because I don’t want to be disrespectful to her (not to mention be a total cliche lol.)
My friends say just leave it because it’s on him to have us all get to know each other. I’m hesitant because he has no plans of actually doing that.
I’ve never been involved with someone who has kids and I just don’t want to cause any drama because these kids have been through a lot.
**Do I reach out to her to try and connect** (not like in a parental way GOD NO just like a hey im here and would love to get to know you whenever you’re ready!) **or just leave it?**
thank u in advance, any input appreciated <3
5 comments
> That being said, I don’t want her feeling like I am trying to steal her dad away or cause any problems for her personally or make her uncomfortable. I have been kind of going about this like give her space until she’s ready to come around, but I also don’t want her to feel like I just dgaf about her or her relationship with her dad. Given her experiences with her dads relationships in the past, I understand why her walls are up.
OP…. you simply need to step back and let your bf handle things…. He is the one who has no issues dating someone his daughter’s age, hence, he should be prepared to work on his relationship with his daughter.
> He has invited me on family trips and tells me to just come even though she doesn’t like me but I haven’t gone yet because I don’t want to be disrespectful to her (not to mention be a total cliche lol.)
Does he think that this will automatically change things? What else is he doing? Has he ever sat down with his daughter and talked to her? Has he ever suggested family counseling?
> I’m hesitant because he has no plans of actually doing that.
And you don’t consider this a red flag? This man cares more about having fun with a 25 year old, someone his daughter’s age, than having a good relationship with his daughter.
Yes, you will get comments from young redditors who will tell you “the daughter is selfish and needs to be supportive” and yada yada….but c’mon, if they were in this position, they wouldn’t consider it funny at all either.
> Do I reach out to her to try and connect (not like in a parental way GOD NO just like a hey im here and would love to get to know you whenever you’re ready!) or just leave it?
Nope, I think you’re not in that type of position at all. It’s been 6 months, it’s long distance, and your bf can’t bother…. in your shoes, I’d take 20 steps back and really consider if this is the type of relationship you want. Are you also interested in having kids? Besides advanced paternal age, make also sure you reflect on what type of relationship your bf fosters with his kid.
There is an unsaid general rule in life that goes along the lines of “once you are over 40, never date anyone your kids age + or – 5 years”.
And it’s often for this very specific reason.
For her, it will be very very creepy and though your reasoning is fine in what your expectations are as to YOUR attitude, that is not the issue here. The issue is going to be her and unless she is the most progressive and open minded person on the planet, her first thought is going to be “ewww” and you’ll be in permanent competition with her for your bf’s affections.
But to put it as simply as I possibly can, this is a battle you have no hope of winning and this is a person you have no hope of winning over. She can and will do everything to wedge you guys apart and your bf won’t do a thing about it.
You may be able to calm the waters a bit and it may not be an antagonistic relationship once she sees how happy her father is, but I wouldn’t go betting on it.
Your expectations, your attitude and your ways of thinking presented in the above text makes me feel like you’re way more mature than your bf who seems to value very different things than you. Like tumbling around with someone his daughters age rather than even faking an effort of having a good relationship with his daughter.
I would take a long good hard thinking about how his actions reflects his values (both the ones he’s talked to you about and those he might not have mentioned yet). You seem extremely mature and reasonable for your age, he comes off as just as extremely immature, which in my book would be a very wierd fit (and I’m saying this as someone whose significant other has an age gap of 6 years, which should tell you that I don’t automatically find a bit of an age gap to be a problem).
again, I’m not judging your age gaps here, I’m judging your and his character, or what little I can from the given context.
Whish you all the best!
Just leave it. And leave him too. Idc what anyone says, in my opinion, people that date wayyyyy younger is because people their age see right thru their shit.
Leave it.