I have a theory about “sex on the 3rd date.”
I feel like when a woman likes a man, if there’s a spark on the first date, the woman gives the man a window of time: usually a couple of dates. And it’s the man’s job to drive it in a sexual direction. If he fails to do so, he’ll end up friend zoning himself.
If he doesn’t initiate the hand holding, kissing, making out and sex, well then her attraction simply wanes. I’ve seen this happen with myself a few times when I just lacked dating skills.
I think sex on the 3rd date is a cliche because the guy only has a small window to make something sexual happen. If not, he’ll just wake up to the “hey you’re a great guy, but I don’t think we’re heading in a romantic direction” text.
It’s the woman who makes the guy nervously try to seal the deal by the 3rd date. I do think most guys are actually okay with just waiting, but they’re not afforded that luxury.
tl;dr: Online dating moves fast.
8 comments
I agree, I definitely feel pressure and anxiety about having to do something so soon.
My vagina isn’t the death star where you only get one small chance to make the impossible shot.
I’m going to get to know you and if I am not sexually attracted to you, but do like you as a friend then we can be friends. If you’re going to constantly try to have sex with me then I’d rather not be your friend. There’s no “friend zone” time where I’m sexually attracted to you but for whatever reason we don’t sleep together early on and I’m like “oh well, I’d love to have sex but now he’s just a friend! If only we had slept together sooner.”
Any woman playing that stupid game isn’t worth your time. If we’re not sleeping with you it’s because we don’t want to (or you don’t want to). Don’t try to push for early sex if we’re not into it. Then you’re just a creep
As a woman, that’s mostly bullshit and toxic male society speaking. Her attraction for you isn’t going to wain because you’re not trying to shove your tongue down her throat. The opposite is usually true (she’s going to find your sexual aggression as a turn off). Unless she wants casual sex, which is actually a thing.
Yes, compliment her to let her know that you think she’s attractive, but the whole “window of opportunity” is bullshit. If she likes you, she likes you, and will keep liking you until you fuck up.
If you’re getting a “we’d be better as friends” text, it’s NOT because you didn’t try to stick your tongue down her throat.
Catch 22. Been there myself. Always on the “too-slow” side.
That is quite an idiotic theory, my friend.
I read this same thing in a book about 10 years ago. Anyway you’re right. I don’t do online dating, but in real life game this is very true.
Always go for fucking the girl as fast as possible, getting rejected in the process.
Rejection is good. You want to be rejected during escalation and then do one step back, be cool about it and talk about other things like nothing happened (two steps forward, one step back).
This will make your intentions 100% clear, will show you have balls, and you will be surprised that more times than not your fast escalation will actually get you laid faster than you ever thought possible.
This will also help you get rid of time-wasters. If you try to escalate on a girl and she was not into you and was just wasting your time you will notice it. At that point be glad you discovered it, wish her all the best in her life and move on.
And yes, usually 3 days is a great sweet spot for sex in my long experience. Although in the past couple of years I went mostly for same day lay.
OP, looking at your post and comment history, it seems like you have some self-work to push through.
If a woman is interested in what you have to offer, completely avoiding the topic of sex, she will decide for herself if there is a physical attraction and, if she has any communication skill, will know how to invite you to pursue things further. The number of dates does not matter.
I’m not going to say “dating skills” are a myth, but it is a bit of a misnomer. What you call dating skills, others might call interpersonal skills. Approaching a date with an agenda outside of getting to know someone and letting them get to know you will be transparent and off putting.
It’s also not untrue that we live in a patriarchal society that embeds the idea in both women and men that it’s the man’s job to chase and the woman’s job to be chased. This is, of course, total and complete bullshit. Women may have the opportunity to filter out potential partners, while men are more incentivized to “advertise” themselves to fit within those filters.
If your goal is sex, then say your goal is sex. If your goal is sex, but only after you feel like you are safe and comfortable with the person you’re with, then say that. Will some women, programmed with misogyny, take that as a negative thing? Perhaps. Are those the kinds of women you want to be continuing to date?
Your self worth is everything, here. You are framing this in the sense that it’s the woman who is the gatekeeper to her body, which she absolutely is and has a right to be. But you are also the gatekeeper to your heart. If you let just anyone in, you’re going to be hurt and confused more often than not.
I don’t know if therapy is currently a part of your self-work journey, but it really should be. You have worth, but also need to recognize that no one owes you anything. If you want clearer communication about a woman’s approach to sex, then you need to find a way to communicate that. You’re not a mind reader, you shouldn’t be expected to act like one.
*Edited for grammar*
If you look like Brad Pitt it wouldn’t matter. If things aren’t moving forward at all by date 3 you’re probably in trouble though- at least kissing and cuddling.
You define who you are and what you want, but some girls may lose some attraction if you are the type of guy that doesn’t go for it by date 3 or 4. You should do what you want though, not what society expects you to do