My girlfriend, who I’ll call Jacinta, and I have been dating for about a year. I’ve actually known her socially for a lot longer than that, she works in the same field as myself and my two best friends (who I’ll call Eric and Nathan) and we have a lot of other mutual friends, but I kept my distance from her because I had a girlfriend at the time who didn’t like me being around attractive women she didn’t know. During those years Jacinta became friends with Eric and Nathan, and they often told me how cool she was, what a great person she was, how I’d really get on with her, etc. When my previous relationship ended, Jacinta and I struck up a friendship of our own and it eventually turned into something more.
Just for some context, my relationship with my ex-girlfriend was really toxic. She was VERY controlling, she didn’t seem to like me very much, she hated my friends, she hated my sense of humour, etc. Eventually I found out that she was cheating on me with a much older colleague of hers, and I left. In comparison, my relationship with Jacinta is without a doubt the best relationship I’ve ever been in. She’s easy-going, she’s kind, she never gets jealous or possessive like my ex did, she trusts me and supports me. And she’s the funniest person I’ve ever met.
She also really gets on with my best friends. This isn’t surprising – she’s technically been friends with them for longer than she’s been dating me – but as our relationship deepened and we all started spending more time together, her friendship with them deepened too. They hang out a lot, even outside of me, for example I’m sometimes out of town for work but they’ll still all go for drinks or to the cinema. I should also mention that both Eric and Nathan are in long-term relationships, and both of their girlfriends love Jacinta and have their own friendship with her too. They’re all thrilled that I’ve found someone who is so lovely, and they all comment on how she’s brought out a more confident and happy side of me that they’ve never seen before.
Initially I really loved having a girlfriend who got along so well with my mates, especially since in my last relationship my ex wanted nothing to do with them. I thought it was the perfect scenario. I also know how important those friendships are to my girlfriend – due to her past traumas with men (she’s really been through hell and back but that’s another story…) she doesn’t have a lot of guys friends and doesn’t trust a lot of men, and she’s told me how much she values having platonic bonds with men like Eric and Nathan, who are “good guys with good heads and good hearts” (her words) who have never once objectified her, or made her feel disrespected or unsafe, and who she can genuinely trust. She’s never really had that before, and it means a lot to her. And I know Eric and Nathan adore their girlfriends and would never dream of doing anything to jeopardise their own relationships. I have a lot of trust in everyone involved.
Recently I went back to my hometown to visit family for the weekend, and my girlfriend sent me a pic of her and Nathan having cocktails at one of our favourite spots, to let me know she was thinking of me. My brother saw this and said it was really weird that my girlfriend was out with another guy. I explained that she was close to my two mates and they often hang out without me, but my brother couldn’t get over how I was so okay with this. He said he would never accept his wife hanging out with other men, let alone have a friendship with his friend independent of him. He asked if I hang out one-on-one with any of her girlfriends, and I said no, but that’s different, because my gf knew E & N before she knew me. He still insisted it was inappropriate and that I should have set stricter boundaries once I started dating her.
Ever since then I’ve been thinking it over and becoming more concerned. My brother has planted this bug that I can’t get rid of. I think back to my previous relationship and how I got cheated on, and I’m becoming paranoid that it could happen again. I don’t want to be a chump and let myself get walked over. I’m wondering if I should introduce some boundaries for the amount of time shes pends with them / talks to them. Would appreciate some advice from anyone..
TL;DR my girlfriend is close friends with my two best friends, which I liked initially but am now concerned about, don’t know how to approach it
6 comments
It’s not really fair of you to think your girlfriend is gonna cheat just because your ex did…
and if she was gonna cheat why would she send you photos and updates on the people she would cheat on you with? That’s just stupid. I think you’re just jealous..she’s not gonna cheat on you.
Does your brother have a history of shitting on you when you’re happy or otherwise ruining things for you?
To be honest, my first thought was that your brother and your ex would probably get along great together. They seem to have similar attitudes.
Tomorrow will be my 27th wedding anniversary. I trust my wife the same way you trusted Jacinta before your brother put that bug in your ear. She trusts me the same. The freedom that trust offers is amazing. The freedom to know that your partner is in this for you and only you. The freedom to know that you can go to your hometown for a weekend and your partner won’t worry about whether or not you’re looking up old high school girlfriends.
Just because your brother doesn’t have that same level of trust with his wife doesn’t mean you can’t have that level of trust with Jacinta again. Ignore your brother. He’s just jealous and the only way he knows how to deal with it is to try to drag you down to his level.
In my experience: Everyone gets bad brain sometimes.
Your brother sounds more like your ex than your GF does.
Jacinta and your friends sound reasonable and trustworthy (from what you provide).
I think communication is key, assuming she knows what you’ve been through, you should be able to bring up feeling Insecure without making it sound accusatory. Also, keep in mind that these guys are in relationships, so their partners are also emotionally involved, and may have their own fears now and then.
Setting limits/boundaries may not be the best way to go, but talking about what happened and the concerns it resurfaced probably would be healthy.
This is your brother’s insecurity, don’t make it yours too.
You’re going to push her away due to your insecurities and other people’s interference and opinions. She has exhibited no ill will or intention to mistreat you, both your male friends like wise. Look at this this way, how would you feel if you let this relationship fail because of your insecurities then realised later in life that this woman was the one? How would that make you feel, all without foundation? You could lose an amazing girl and two amazing friends.
I would work on yourself, get counselling to deal with your issues.