TL;DR
My GF (20F) of 1year has never orgasmed in her life, and she takes Zoloft, which I think is inhibiting it. I feel insecure every time after we have sex, and need some advice.
Hi so my girlfriend (20F) and I (22M) have been together for a year now. We both love each other very much, and for both of us, it’s our first serious relationship. As we grew in our relationship, and things began to get more sexual, she opened up to me that she had never orgasmed in her life. She does masturbate, and she owns multiple vibrators, but has never been able to orgasm. She says she gets to a point where she just hits a wall and stops climbing, and then it just becomes desensitized after that. She told me she takes Zoloft and I think that the side effects from that medication are really hindering her ability to achieve climax, and I know that difficulty reaching climax is a known side effect of anti-depressant medication.
The reason I’m asking for advice is because lately, I’ve been in my head a lot after we have sex, and I feel like an inadequate lover because I am unable to make her climax. I want her to achieve the most pleasure that she can from sex, and I’ve done my homework, and always am trying new things to stimulate her clit, g spot, and A spot, to see how she reacts to them. I never put pressure on her to orgasm, but I do try my best to get her as far as I can every time. I’ve only ever had one sexual partner before her, and never had trouble getting her to climax. For context I am my girlfriend’s first sexual partner.
I just get really insecure sometimes, and start overthinking, like maybe I’m not good in bed, maybe I’m not big enough, etc etc. I know they say size doesn’t matter, but I’m only 7.5in length X 5.5 in girth, and sometimes I wonder if a bigger penis might satisfy her.
Overall, a year into our relationship, I just thought I’d be able to help her achieve orgasm by now. Has anyone been in a similar situation, if so how did you adapt to it, and do you have any advice on how to stop myself from feeling so disappointed in myself every time after sex?
17 comments
This is very clearly not because of you. She can’t even get *herself* off and most women can at least do that. She should maybe talk to her psychiatrist and see if they can adjust or change her meds to help her out.
I was a Zoloft for two years. Never had an orgasm the entire time, unless I was the one making it happen. As soon as I went off my bf made me orgasm so many times. You most likely aren’t doing anything wrong. That medication screws with people and it sucks. If she’s enjoying it then that’s all you can really ask for in this situation
She could ask her doctor to consider changing her medication.
Wellbutrin often has a positive effect on sexual desire and orgasm.
Imagine making this about you. It’s a medicinal side effect. Get a grip
I’m ONLY, 7.5″ long and 5.5″ girth….congrats on being in the top 2%-5%ish. Lol. Yeah that’s not the problem, to big…maybe but not to small.
Antidepressants cause anorgasmia. If the meds are affecting it to the point that she can’t even give herself an orgasm because she’s hitting a wall, then you need to accept the fact that you aren’t going to. Stop thinking your penis should be so magical that it can override brain chemistry.
Being on these medications is hard enough as it is for a variety of reasons, including the anorgasmia. Stop making this all about you.
She *needs* to learn to O from solo masturbation before you can “help” her do anything. It probably is related to the meds, and also having your first O as a lady requires extreme vulnerability and she’s not going to be able to relax enough with the pressure of another person being present. Make a plan to give her physical space and time to practice on her own. The best thing you could do to help is *maybe* help her pick out a beginner vibrator.
Also it has *nothing* to do with your dick. Most women climax from clit stimulation and *not* from penetration. For me the penetration part is totally optional/secondary.
I don’t really understand why you are feeling insecure. I mean she hasn’t been able to climax ever in her life, even long before you. Are you feeling insecure because you thought sex with you was going to magically fix the problem and you’re upset that’s not the case. It could be something medical. It really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it’s a her thing.
I’m not taking any meds and I don’t orgasm from sex or foreplay. Never have. My husband sometimes feels insecure about it, but it’s purely a me thing. I get plenty of pleasure and satisfaction from sex, just not an orgasm, and I’m fine with that. It doesn’t bother me frankly.
You should definitely not take it personally. It’s because of a medication, not your performance.
Wow.
Way to make this all about you. Way to go man.
I was on zoloft due to my SAD. I could not cum anymore after being on it or even have an orgasm. As with any anti depressant you will have lower ability to have an orgasm. It all depends on the person. It’s also a medication that can be used to lower sex drives for people who need it.
How long has she been on zoloft? My side effects didn’t change at all but literally helped a ton on my SAD.
For me to orgasm I had to do a good amount of foreplay but was a learning experience for me.
your girlfriend sounds like me!! i have the same problem and my bf feels the same way you do. and 100% it’s not you. if anything she probably feels bad and frustrated too.
sex, especially with a romantic partner, is about the journey and not the destination. having a partner that cares about your pleasure (not common in straight men but anyways) on that journey is a huge part of making that journey enjoyable. focus more on just being there with your partner, connecting with them and bonding over mutual pleasure, instead of the end game. an orgasm isn’t required for sex to be good!!
eta more words
Hey, it’s more common than you think – a lot of women don’t orgasm, or only very rarely, and often not during penetrative sex. That’s absolutely no reflection on you – and the fact that so many men feel bad about it is the reason why so many women feel they have to fake it. Even without orgasm, sex can still feel really good, so don’t worry too much about it, just let her enjoy that closeness with you, and if it ever happens, it happens, and if not, then not.
Most women don’t actually and it’s considered normal. Don’t make it about yourself.
**NSFW** *(graphic descriptions of advice)*
I had a FWB who was on a few medications, with zoloft being one of them. She, like your girlfriend, found it impossible to orgasm.
I got her a cannabis based cream (“High Climax”*) that is meant to make her more sensitive, as well as a Hitachi Magic Wand*. She went from never climaxing to finishing multiple times in a single session. The cream was honestly unnecessary, but it helped her reach the end much more quickly than using the wand on its own.
This isn’t anything to do with you. My FWB immensely enjoyed sex even when she did not climax, and she was ok with it. Introducing the stimulatory devices I mentioned, however, opened the door to a much more satisfying and fulfilling sex life for both of us. Bear in mind that you can utilize the wand whilst engaging in intercourse – it doesn’t have to be one or the other. At first consideration you may feel that this cheapens the experience or even serves as proof that she needed something more than you could offer. **This is not the case whatsoever!** Your girlfriend can’t even make herself finish, and these products merely supplement what you are already doing. View the extra gear as a healthy hack to bring her sexual function to its natural level, much the same way that Zoloft is giving her something that she really should have had all along. I guarantee she will credit her toy-/ointment-induced orgasms to *sex with you*, as opposed to thinking she doesn’t need you anymore. My FWB would use her wand/have me use it on her if she was having trouble getting there, but as she felt her climax building we’d start having sex, often climaxing together.
This is purely anecdotal: after we’d been using these items over the course of a few meetups, my touch/our sex seemed to be more stimulating for her. She still never climaxed without the wand, but it was apparent that she was getting increasingly closer as time went on. Some women apparently use the wand to “train” themselves, as the repetition combined with intimacy can create almost a Pavlovian Response in which they begin to associate intercourse with achieving orgasm. We never tried to do this, but her enjoyment even without our add-ons strongly grew over time.
Also, pro tip: you’ll likely enjoy the cannabis ointment as much as she does. If you’re trying to last a while, don’t let it touch your member.
*I specified the brands/product names purely to assist you. The ointment was simply one of numerous options and I have no idea how it compares to any others. The wand, however, is the one that I saw repeatedly as I scoured blogs, forums and reddit for reviews and experiences from women who had experienced similar issues. I got the wired one (as opposed to battery-powered) because it was widely praised as the most powerful and – when we first started using it – she required the strongest setting (this changed as time went on).
ETA: regarding your size worries: my FWB considered me “big” (same as many would label you – you’re well above average) but I wasn’t the biggest she’d had. She’d had more partners than I had and she was open about the fact that some were bigger, some in length, some in girth, some both. Yet none of these made her climax. Also: **research the g-spot**, and try applying pressure on the outside of it (pretty much the soft spot right above the pubic bone) while you are penetrating her (dick/finger(s)/tongue/toy). This drove my FWB wild every time.
Stop making this about you. This isn’t a goal to achieve its just a fact of her life. You can enjoy sex without orgasm. A lack of orgasm doesn’t mean she secretly hates what you’re doing.
I think this is an ego thing on your part. Some people internalize their partner’s physical limitations as their own inabilities and that’s just not accurate. Even if you were a total sex god, her medication would still be a barrier.