so my brother is living at home with me and our mom but he doesn’t have a job and all he does the entire time is listen to podcasts and watch the news all day long. He keeps buying the same things over and over again. At this point he has a collection of radios. The problem is he doesn’t seem interested in getting another job or having friends at all. He seems like a Recluse, he doesn’t shower as often as he should and when my mom tries to tell him anything about his responsibilities he just gets angry and starts yelling at her to leave him alone. Any time we ask him a question about anything he just says I don’t know and shrugs it off. At this point both of us don’t know what to do to help him. How should we approach a difficult person like him without having to deal with him screaming at us? Any advice would be appreciated.
TL;DR
So basically my brother lives with us and doesn’t have a job and has become a difficult person to handle. He has no friends and sits at home all day just watching the news and listening to podcast and wasting all his money on repetitive things.
48 comments
If the house is legally under your mom’s name, she has the right to start the eviction process. Lawyers do free consultations.
Where does he take his money to buy the same things if he doesn’t work?
Your mother has two adult children still living in her home.
Rather than complain about your sibling, reduce her burden by half.
Umm, why do you still live with your mom? What makes you think your brother is supposed to move out bot you aren’t? You’re both adults.
Well it’s not that he has to move out it just seems like he doesn’t have thoughts of wanting to move out as I do that’s why I have a job and am saving money while also helping my mom out.
Therapy or something similar. Sounds like depression!
If I could go back and live with my mom I would 100% would lol I rather pay her 1k a month in rent than 2k to some asshole of a landlord and a shitty apartment. Times are rough nowadays. I hope he picks himself up and actually start saving money.
Okay some of you need to stop shaming OP for still living at home. They’re helping out with home expenses it seems while their brother is doing nothing. Also shit is expensive? And not many 23 year olds have a job that can make that much money. Also every situation is different. So let’s not judge when there’s not any real evidence OP is an asshole.
But for her brother you need to talk to him. Ask him what’s wrong. Try to communicate.Try to get him into therapy but do not force him. It won’t work that way. He either listens or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, you need to discuss a plan with your mom. I can’t tell you what because I don’t know your brother. But to start, stick with communication
Some of the comments here are so daft, my god.
OP, you seem like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. I doubt you’d be here if you didn’t have your own bases covered. Dont let these people shame you into thinking you have no right to be there, especially if you’re doing your part.
As for your brother, I’d say it sounds like he might be bipolar. Depression and being bipolar go hand in hand, and they seem to fit the bill. Obviously we wouldn’t know without a proper diagnosis and the shitty part of all this is you can’t force people to get help. However, you CAN put rules and boundaries into place. And this would probably be better coming from your mom. Id do something along the lines of “I love you and care about your well-being. I cannot continue to support you and watch you throw your life away. If you wish to continue living here, I need to you get help and be proactive about your life. Otherwise you need to find a new place to live.” Also offer to help him find the help, maybe even already have it handy before you approach him.
I know from first hand experience how difficult it is to live with someone with Bipolar disorder. They can be moody, depressed, reactive/explosive, irresponsible and down righr unapproachable. Lots of walking on eggshells. But that’s a generalization and not everyone is like that. Medication is also veryyyy helpful in these situations. I just know it’s difficult to not take their moods and behaviors personally. It’s helpful to remind yourself that whatever’s happening is happening internally and they’re fighting themselves as much as they’re fighting you. So compassion, while difficult, is always helpful for both parties.
Good luck OP!! I know it’s not an easy fix, but hopefully you find some peace and get him the help he needs.
Seems like your brother needs counseling or therapy. He is already at that age where he should be having a job so that he can provide for himself. It would’ve been forgivable if he doesn’t move out, but has a stable job. It seems like he is depended on you and your mom, did your mom spoil him a lot during his adolescence? Maybe you guys need to give him an ultimatum of him finding a job or he’ll get kicked out or you guys not providing him any money (if he asks for money).
You could move out if you don’t like it.
You say “we tell him…” You aren’t mom and dad. You are an adult child in the home, as he is. If you don’t like your living situation, move.
Sounds like you’re upset you’re brother is getting the same benefits as you.
Grow up and stop being so selfish.
Sounds like he has depression to be honest. Get him some help. (Therapy)
Definitely sounds like he’s depressed but the only way you can help him is if he wants to be helped
Edit: Don’t let these ignorant ass comments shame you for still living with your mom. You’re helping her out and rent is expensive. There’s nothing wrong with it.
sounds like he’s seriously depressed. If you’re emotionally up to it, I’d definitely ask if he’s okay, how he’s been feeling, and basically just try to be there for him. I feel like he may just need some kindness, or he may not. You can only help those who want to be helped after all, but I would try to give him a safe place to vent his emotions and see how that goes. See if he would feel up to a suggestion of therapy after he hopefully opens up a little, and you offer some support in him getting back onto his feet- even just emotional support. Attempt compassion, and if that goes wrong, you’ve done all that you could. It is not your responsibility to make anybody happy but yourself, but when it’s your brother, you can try.
Assuming it is depression, I can only guess that he gets angry because he knows what he needs to do but he’s in such a rut he can’t do it and he probably feels worthless or guilty or ashamed because of it. Pressure doesn’t help people in that mental state, it overwhelms those struggling more. I have major depressive disorder and go through an episode every other month or so, when I’m overwhelmed, I shut off, I don’t care, I can’t take it anymore because I’m already putting the weight of the world on my shoulders by myself and don’t really need anybody’s help doing so, I will literally stop functioning.
I wish you the best
There is no rule saying you have to leave home just because it’s everyone elses dream.
He sounds like he has some undiagnosed mental issues and pushing him out by himself could be disastrous. He needs therapy and medication before releasing him to the wolves.
Keeps buying the same things over and over again, collection of radios… sounds like some type of OCD, lack of motivation and anxiety could be why he’s “stuck”. Get him to a mental health professional to assist
He needs to be told that you and your mom love him so much for who he is no matter what. He has great and healthy habits of listening to podcasts , reading news don’t underestimate them , he’s figuring himself out it just takes time and it happens during different age periods for different people . I think he’s struggling with depression. Walk with him and be by his side in this tough time which is a huge battle inside hidden from the outside . Leave the society stigmas that ppl should move out by a certain age , have a stable career, a defined life path , have a relationship blah blah blah, we are authentic . As much as we are a alike we are different. Dont judge him just give him unconditional love , give him the geniue feeling of he’s so self worthy and suggest him to take a look at wonderful Mark Manson blog and Instagram .
People are saying depression but I’d also question ASD
You live there too, so…
You can’t live for him. He has to figure out how to handle his obvious mental issues himself. There’s nothing you’re saying that’s indicating that you can do anything here.
I don’t know the guy, but he may just be a Slacker, i.e. someone who just sees no value in work, status, and achievement, and instead values comfort, freedom, and peace. Think the Dude from The Big Lebowski. People like this have always existed, and our capitalist society whose god is money and whose religion is the work ethic has always tried to pathologize them.
But he may also be depressed, in which case therapy or get him meditating. Mindfulness really helped with my depression and in fact by making it a daily practice has made me a chillful person
I agree completely, sounds like he is depressed and also Im sure he can make friends but has not found people with similar ideals and that can be frustrating I say this because he listens to podcasts and listens the news and honestly young people today lack a strong foundation so having pillars on top of their foundation is not even on their mind yet their still tryna work on the foundation so they can start building on top if that makes sense. His job was probably making him miserable doing repetitive unfulfilling & repetitive task 10 hours of the day. today’s entry position jobs offer little to no growth Skil wise or financial. I hope he finds a passion so he can make something out of that and more than likely finds a way to get paid doing one of his many strengths/skills it might take a bit since people hardly give compliments when they see someone with a set of skills or a gift at being a natural at something as some may say. I encourage you guys to point out some things Wich he is good at doing Wich you guys can honestly say he does better than most it could spark some motivation and belief in himself to take action on the rigth path. So before you guys put so much importance on when he should move out because he is 26. Try and help him and understand maybe why he is in this bubble and try to not be so vocal about you guys frustration of him and him still living there at least for awhile.
**( this type of issue is going on in more homes in America. more than you can imagine too many factors to mention fueled this into existence)**
there is no worst feeling than being socialy isolated and depressed while having your family pressure you to leave the household because your of age, depressed and lonely. MOM must be frightened thinking that he will never ever EVER leave! This is far from the truth 🙂
Best wishes . I believe in you and your Mother will can pull some effort into helping him bounce back. thank you and your Mom for everything also thank you for Written this post looking for advice & for not kicking him out to the streets and into a homeless lifestyle which will only make the matter worse at the moment now if this is the route you guys feel it has to go then give him 30 days & let him know it’s not a bluff so he should Definitely plan his arrangements. Who knows maybe the fear of possibly ending homeless motivates him to get a job again. Also look out for signs of drug abuse since he is in a vulnerable place at the moment and as drug abuse & overdose deaths been spiking the charts the past 3-4 years being as bad as it’s ever been in America it’s definitely something you want to take seriously
could be depression, take him to a therapist
Is there a reason he has become this way? Have you asked?
He seems to need an intervention…
It sounds like your brother has some unresolved mental health issues that, if diagnosed and treated, could make you whole family a little happier.
Anxiety, depression, some degree of autism, this could all be possible causes of his behaviour.
Im rooting for you guys for things to get better.
Only advice is to kick him out or give him notice that it’s that or at least get a job and contribute to rent. Without that he has zero incentive to change.
He need someone talk to him. Get some social with him. I was like him before. Locked myself for a year. Fill up my bike, buy snacks at 7-Eleven, watch Cinema alone, jogging alone. No partners, not even friends can’t see my depression. I was hoping someone can see me but I’m okay now but not your brother. Talk to him. Be friendly.
This is beyond laziness, tbh. Something’s going on with your bro bro.
Also don’t be ashamed for living at home. The housing market is FUCKED. I’m 22 and still live at home bc I just can’t afford 900-1500 for a one bedroom apt 🤷♀️
I have PDD, PTSD, and im autistic. I myself went through a lot of the same thing. Bounced between mom, dad, and homelessness before i was properly diagnosed. I collected over 50000 in video games and movies in just 3 years. I was 27 before i found my way and by that point had no more support. Some people take time or sometimes rock bottom is the boot we need. Being in a tent was my rock bottom so i held a job and got out.
Be patient, recommend he sees a therapist or something to get out of this rut.
I recognize these behaviours in myself sometimes, I have started traveling to avoid them with my savings from my job while I wait to go to university.
Fuck 🙁 sounds like he has some bigger problems. Has he always been anti social? I’m not sure where you live but maybe he can get free therapy or something. And at the very least if he gets diagnosed with something he might be able to get disability money so he can at the least pay your mom rent.
My brother has some social issues and he was like that for a while. I wish I knew what changed in him because he works all the time now. He’s still anti social and doesn’t really talk to people other than our family. But he pays my parents rent and buys his own food.
Maybe if your mom makes him pay even a little just so he feels like “fuck I need money to live”?Has your mom tried that?
As soon as my parents asked for rent I started looking for apartments lol. But I understand he doesn’t have a job. I’m sorry you two are dealing with this
Has your brother ever been screened for autism? The lack of social activity, the special interest in radios, his reactions to being talked to are all possible indicators. He clearly needs some amount of help, and professional help is probably the best way to go if he’s receptive to the idea. Good luck 🤞
Sounds like depression and quite possibly anxiety.
Ok – this guy has a mental health problem and/or an undiagnosed neuro difference. But I feel like your mom is the one that is going to need to push him to get help, get a job, etc.
It may be more productive for you to try to move out than control a situation that those 2 are not doing anything about. You can really only control yourself. I would have a frank conversation with your mom about it.
Your brother is having a hard time and is stuck. Would suggest that he speak with a counselor/therapist. Goal would be to find out what is holding him back. It could a number of factors. Depression & anxiety (trauma) maybe an underlying factor
It is very difficult to watch a family member who can’t move forward. Not looking after hygiene (self-care) is a major flag for underlying depression as well as his limited activities & isolation
I think it might be useful to approach him as you usually would and when he shouts let him. Let him get it out, be there to listen and be honest as well. I think let him know exactly what you think and just all parties get out the raw feelings. After that work to slowly understand what can be done. I think he might need to just get it out and see exactly how he is feeling through that. Then again, im not sure exactly what kind of person he is. Im imagining him as someone who doesn’t communicate feelings often, so just letting him know that he’s allowed to tell you guys what’s wrong. Because the thing is maybe he feels embarrassed and the only way he can think to respond is anger, so if he tries the anger out maybe he’ll use another emotion and express something else ?
While there is littterally anything wrong with someone living at home with parents…..till any age….it is different if they don’t have a job or really intend on getting one too help out.
Alot of people…. society seems to judge people who live at home with family….no matter the age 20s,30s 40s…totly nothing wrong with it…just society being judgy idiots.
He does need to get a job though if he is not paying his way or helping out which is rediculous that he is not doing this.
My best guess is he’s on the spectrum. I don’t think this is something you can solve as his ASP has affected his entire life. He might agree to getting an assessment and learn to accept himself and his differences. Right now he is stuck because typical “life” isn’t easy for him. (job, driving, hygiene, social, obsessive interests)
There’s also nothing wrong with adult children living with parents. It is the norm in many parts of the world.
Kick his ass out of the house pay rent or u are enabling him plain n simple …
How about you move out and let your mom continue to raise him. Not your problem.
It sounds like a mix of despondency and depression. Did he have any losses ( love, getting fired in a painful way for him, some type of humilliation?). He sounds like he needs help.
Single, socially-isolated male who watches the news 24/7 and shows signs of depression…
Not to be dramatic, but these are serious warning signs of something potentially worse.
Suggestion: help your family help your brother by getting him some therapy /support asap. Peace ✌️
Something is going on, get him into therapy. If he refuses then your mom needs to step in and hold him accountable. Start giving him responsibilities, get a job and pay for 1/3 or lights, 1/3 of mortgage, etc. After some time of him spending his own money he’ll want to take that money and venture out on his own. Tough love is sometime necessary.
Maybe it’s time for your mom to start with some tough love.. she should tell him that she’s going to start charging him rent. It doesn’t have to be a high amount or anything comparable to what it would cost for him to move out, but something for him to contribute might make everyone feel better about things- and it could help motivate him to get a job. If he refuses to participate then your mom can tell him he’s free to find somewhere else to live.
This is assuming he doesn’t have any kind of impairment that would prevent him from functioning as an adult.. you mentioned that he had a job before so it’s likely that he could get another one. Gently suggesting some counseling would probably be helpful too.
Sounds like he has a mental health issue … Maybe be more concerned and see if he needs help
Screaming at relatives you live with is not normal. Are there other times he screams at you two besides when talking about responsibilities?
Skimmed through the comments and haven’t seen anyone else ask– which podcasts does he listen to and which news stations is he watching? There are some forms of media that have followers that get really sucked in and obsess over them and become ostracized, and the viewers might not even realize it’s attributed to that.
First of all, you lead by example! He probably feels like he doesn’t have to go anywhere because you’re at the house with Mom also!! And for Mom to make him leave it would appear that she loves one of you more than the other!!