My(35F) BF(25M) of almost 3 years says “maybe we should be friends”, but he isn’t sure. He also says he thinks the relationship can be fixed, but he doesn’t know if he wants to fix it.
He says he loves me, and likes me, and enjoys all of our time together. He said he thinks I’m beautiful and funny and he wants to keep spending time together, but he is not sure about continuing a romantic relationship. He says he feels like I don’t trust him and that he is just a chore for me (I have expressed the same feelings to him)
I apologized for being fussy and for anything I may have done to make him feel bad. I cried and told him I think he is an amazing person and partner and that it was lots of fun, and I’m sorry it’s not working for him, but I respect his standpoint and wish him the best. He was my best friend, the best friend I’ve ever had and the most patient and responsible, and thoughtful romantic partner I’ve ever had. I am nothing but grateful to have had the opportunity to be with him, share the time we had, and to have learned from each other.
Then he says, “Its really not a big deal. I didnt want to upset you. I’m just exaggerating. I just need some time and space to think about it.”
I asked if there was anything I should be working on to improve the relationship while he is taking his time. He said he doesn’t know what’s wrong with us and he just needs time to figure out if he wants to fix the relationship.
He says he feels like a jerk because he hurt my feelings by bringing it up and he doesn’t want me to be upset or to hurt me. I tell him that it is important for him to say what he needs to and to do what he must because he can’t have his happiness hostage to my potential upset feelings. These things happen, they hurt, and then get better and move on.
Some backstory: for the last month he has been working 5-6 days a week at a restaurant, sometimes 10 days in a row. I can see he is overwhelmed by the work responsibilities. I have been having a hard time with depression and anxiety lately, and while I was unemployed for 2 weeks, I was irritable and bitter about everything.
I started working 2 weeks ago and my mood and mental hygiene have improved. I noticed he wasn’t acting himself since I started working and I’ve been trying to be supportive and encouraging. I assumed it was because of his crazy work schedule, but now I realize I said some mean things when I was having an episode.
During my time of unemployment, we had a discussion where I questioned the relationship, whether we were good for each other or unintentionally toxic (my mental illness is not a pass to be a jerk) It seems he took this convo to heart and has been marinating in it for a few weeks.
He really is the kindest person I’ve ever met and I know he is not playing a game with me. He doesn’t have a manipulative bone in his body. He is just confused and hurt and trying to be very careful not to end things before he is sure while at the same time not leading me into a false sense of security while his decision is still in the air. I am scared that he may decide to stay to avoid hurting my feelings, which is a horrible motive in a relationship.
I’m considering ending things now. We have already done the hard parts of breaking up (tears, accountability for shortcomings, more tears, apologies, more tears, sitting in silence). I don’t want to have to go through it again. I’m not sure that he wants this relationship to last long enough to justify going through another breakup and I don’t think he sees himself with me in the long run (but that’s only speculation)
But perhaps these are simple relationship doubts on his part. He never said we should break up, that was my response. And he still hasn’t agreed when I said we should break up, he just says he doesnt know what to do and he needs time to think.
Now I’m confused, too.
TLDR:
My BF of almost 3 years says “maybe we should be friends”, but he isn’t sure. He also says he thinks the relationship can be fixed, but he doesn’t know if he wants to fix it. I’ve interpret that as a breakup, but he has not confirmed that’s what he wants to do. He is not manipulative (on purpose) just confused. What should I do?
Please no age gap shaming! Thanks!
4 comments
It is not age gap shaming to point out that the two of you are in completely different developmental stages and that scientifically he’s just now finalizing his brain and personality development, that he is not the same person developmentally that he was when he was twenty-two.
Sounds like he’s pretty much checked out of the relationship. If he said that maybe it’s better you guys are friends, those are bigger than just “simple relationship doubts”. Those are big relationship doubts. If you’re considering ending things, then iunno, I would say it’d probably for the best. He’s clearly waffling and at that point, the person’s at least half-out already. It’s one thing to be having relationship issues but still very much willing to try to work through it. It’s a whole other thing is a person’s saying, “I don’t even know if I wanna continue this anymore.”
Also, not gonna shame you about the age gap, but I’m gonna point out that I think it’s a factor. You were 31 when y’all got together. He was only 22. Dunno if you’re aware of this but the prefrontal cortex keeps on growing from the late teen’s to mid 20’s. His prefrontal cortex literally JUST finished the last bits of developing its plasticity. That part of the brain controls things like risk assessment and long-term decision making. So…yeah. Meanwhile your prefrontal cortex had already been set for several years when y’all first met. It’s not that big of a surprise and it’s why age-gap relationships in this range (early 20’s to 30’s and beyond) don’t tend to work out. Not saying it’s impossible and not saying it’s THE reason y’all are in this state, but it’s ONE reason and a fairly prominent one, I’d say.
i think you’re on the right page about breaking up. it looks like he wants to be just friends, but your reaction in the moment made him feel bad for hurting you, so he said it wasn’t a big deal and devalued his own feelings.
>He said he thinks I’m beautiful and funny and he wants to keep spending time together, but he is not sure about continuing a romantic relationship.
Sounds like he’s conflicted about breaking up because he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy and hurt you, especially after that period where you weren’t as mentally stable as you are now.
>But perhaps these are simple relationship doubts on his part. He never said we should break up, that was my response. And he still hasn’t agreed when I said we should break up, he just says he doesnt know what to do and he needs time to think.
No, he wants to break up. He’s trying to be gentle about it and soften the blow, but all he’s doing is giving you false hope.
>He says he feels like a jerk because he hurt my feelings by bringing it up and he doesn’t want me to be upset or to hurt me. [..] He is just confused and hurt and trying to be very careful not to end things before he is sure while at the same time not leading me into a false sense of security while his decision is still in the air.
And this is why you need to be the more mature one and end it before both of you get hurt even further. Make it a clean break.