I’m seeing my gf tomorrow, but to be honest, I’ve really been missing her a lot lately, and I want to have sex with her very badly. I want to ask to have sex, but she has been very busy lately, and I’m going to see her tomorrow, so I don’t want her to think I’m being clingy. The party we’re going to ends pretty late at night, so I’m pretty sure she’ll be too tired to do anything, which is fair.
Is it bad to ask? Am I a dick?
6 comments
Don’t ask for it, just let it happen naturally
In situations like this I follow Dan Savage’s advice, _fuck first_. Having sex before a big date or a big night takes the pressure off the evening.
This question can actually be a lot deeper than it looks on the surface.
I’ll say this as it relates to myself and maybe you can think about how it relates to your situation: I myself am a pretty expressive guy when it comes to sex, so if I’m attracted to my partner, I will express that fairly often. I’m not saying I will at the most inappropriate moments, but if they look particularly great or they’ve been on my mind, I will say so.
But I have actually been in a few relationships where I’ve been made to feel guilty for expressing desire. I don’t think it’s terribly uncommon to run into someone who thinks because I’m simply expressing how I feel and what’s on my mind, that I’m effectively pressuring them into doing something they either aren’t in the headspace to do or don’t want to do. In my opinion and experience, I’ve never encountered that with someone who didn’t end up being a particularly bad communicator, really selfish, or both.
In my mind, letting someone know you want sex isn’t vastly different from needing someone to be ‘on’ in a social situation, or to really come through for you in a situation that may not be life threatening but would be much appreciated. Some people tend to think of sex as this ‘other’ recreational activity that isn’t incredibly important in the grand scheme of things, regardless of what their partner feels about it. It doesn’t occur to them to think why they can’t match their partner’s enthusiasm or why they respond so negatively to an advance from someone they’re *actually* in a relationship with.
So the main question you need to ask yourself is, *why* is it so difficult for you to express that you miss her? That you’re attracted to her? That you miss the intimacy you guys share? At the risk of jumping to conclusions, either it’s something you’re particularly shy about, or it really sounds like she may have done or said something to you in the past to make you think that expressing excitement about sex with her is inappropriate unless she’s in the right headspace for it. And if that’s the case, then that isn’t very fair. I’m not sure I’d appreciate being in a relationship where I have to strategize how I’m going to tell my girlfriend who I care about and am attracted to, that I’m attracted to her and want to be intimate with her.
Maybe this first time, just come right out and tell her and see how she reacts. Then you can build on the right language to use to express desire from there.
edit: formatting to make it easier on the eyes instead of a block of text
You’re not a dick. It shows you want her. I’m sure she’d appreciate you asking. Couples should be open about stuff like this. Don’t feel bad for wanting your partner.
Maybe instead of being annoying and clingy you should try to entice and seduce her into wanting sex before the party too.
Personally, once I get dolled up for a party I’m not messing up my hair and makeup until after the event is over and I’m more than delighted (aka turned on) if I can see it’s driving my date wild to make him wait until the end of the night.
You can tell her you have been in the mood to have sex but you can’t get consent a day in advance.
Even if she were to agree to have sex today.. For tomorrow.., she would still have the right to change her mind so you’d still have to ask tomorrow.
Just see how things play out naturally or you’ll put too much pressure on the situation and ruin it.