Changing mind about major life decisions after marriage?

11 comments

1. It depends on what that is.

2. People are allowed to change their minds. People grow and develop new viewpoints over their life. That’s why you keep talking about the big things all the time in marriage.

3. How?

   With an open mind, assuming good intentions, and an ability to stay focused on the topic without becoming an inquisitor.

   Stick with “I” statements, especially if it’s an emotionally charged issue. Don’t accuse (even if you’re right in your WORST assumptions, it isn’t going to ever actually change or fix anything).

   Ask a lot of questions. Do a lot of listening.

4. If they changed their mind on avocados, I can accommodate that change without a lot of issue. If it’s something more serious, then it really depends on the decision itself.

5. Honestly depends what it is but you just talk because if it’s bad enough you may get resentful and “poison” the marriage anyway.

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   I had to sit my wife down (multiple times) and talk to her when during dating she went from “I could never be a stay at home wife” to outright quitting her job and refusing to get a new one because she *did* want to do that when I had already made it perfectly clear that will never happen unless we suddenly hit the lottery.

   I became so resentful that it almost caused a divorce. So if you don’t want that you need to talk to them and see if this is something you both can compromise on.

6. Is it having a child? Well, the change needs to be spoken about certainly. Come out and say it. Could it be a deal breaker? Yes.

7. You sit down and talk it out figure out the who, what, when, where, why, and how.

   Life changes but if it doesn’t break your moral cores then you two can figure something out

8. Good question. My wife “changed her mind” about changing her name three days after the wedding. Then she “changed her mind” about doing an extra year in college, costing me $40,000. Then she “changed her mind” about wanting an apartment closer to school, costing me another $30,000. Then she “changed her mind” about the house we bought, and demanded I pony up for a different one. Then she “changed her mind” about monogamy – without telling me – and had at least one, but probably two or three affairs, possibly as many as five, before demanding an “open relationship” after I caught her. Simultaneously, she “changed her mind” about wanting to have children. Eventually I found a journal that detailed how most of this was planned and she didn’t “change her mind.”

   I can’t tell you exactly what happened in your situation, but I would be extremely wary about someone who “changed their mind” RIGHT after marriage. If you don’t have a prenup, get a postnup in case there are other huge issues in which your spouse “changes his/her mind.”

9. Oh this was my ex husband. We grew up together (literal next door neighbors). There wasn’t anything I didn’t know about him.

   I had thought we were on the same page on housing, jobs, kids.

   After we got married a lot of his wants changed. Then I was expected to change my wants too.

10. I think that relationships should be organic. It’s not about looking at each other but looking in the same direction. It’s natural that minds changes and it’s not something I wish to hinder. It’s genuinely more important for me that my husband would follow his path in life whatever that is, than for him to stay in relationship with me. If he has a change of heart that means that our paths are splitting and we want different things, then I will accept that and help if I can.
    For instance, if I’m a breadwinner and he decides that he doesn’t want to be in relationship at all and wants to go off to another country and pursue something else. I’ll financially aid and help as needed. I’m not generally spiteful. I don’t really have expectations from others. There are not many things that will cause me to become spiteful or nasty. Probably because when I become nasty, it’s really nasty, so I bring it when it’s extremely immoral.
    I respect and like my husband as a person. So his personhood as an individual is more important to me than relationship and same for myself. Relationship is companionship and sometimes it needs to be sacrificed.

11. “Bait & Switch” is not just a retail term and is as morally reprehensible