I’ve been sleeping with this guy for half a year. We are very good friends and care about each other but we are not in a relationship and we both have other sexual partners.
He’s always been extremely respectful and I’ve never felt uncomfortable by anything he’s done. However the other day we were having sex in prone bone position and he stuck his dick in my ass without my consent.
We’ve previously discussed anal sex and I’ve been wanting to try it out. Once we even planned an evening for it but never followed through because something got in the way.
I’m pretty sure he didn’t accidentally stuck it in the wrong hole as he’d been touching my asshole more than usual leading up to it and maybe even tried penetrating me anally several times before he actually managed to get it in (?) I just thought he couldn’t find my vaginal opening but (?)
I pushed him out as soon as he entered, he didn’t get very deep, and then we proceeded to have regular sex. I didn’t mention a thing afterwards and the rest of the evening was nice.
My question is: What do I do now? Should I give him the benefit of the doubt? I don’t FEEL assaulted really but I don’t know if I feel like he respects me? How big of a deal is it really?
Bonus info: he’s twice my age and therefore he should know better I think
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you should talk to him about it
The one good thing I can see in this is that when you pushed him out he stopped, as far as I can tell. I’d say he was for sure meaning to do it to maybe just surprise you with something you guys have discussed. But if it wasn’t agreed upon before hand you would do it that night then. If anything I’d say you should bring that up as he did not get the consent to go there at that moment.
He probably thought “oh she’s letting me mess around with her asshole so I can probably go in” but assumptions can be bad in the bedroom. If you don’t feel like her assaulted you then proceed however you feel is right. If there’s any feeling like you were or he got upset that you pushed him out etc, then you know where to go from there.
> I pushed him out as soon as he entered, he didn’t get very deep, and then we proceeded to have regular sex.
He stuck it up your ass, and then went into your vagina? Without changing condoms or washing? That’s a *great* way to end up with a bacterial infection.
>I’m pretty sure he didn’t accidentally stuck it
how attracted you are to this dude to a point you are still here asking what to do? lol
isn’t it unhygienic to go from ass to vag?
i think you don’t really feel assaulted because you’re close and probably in a way you need him as a sex partner.
maybe ask “hey, when you put it into my ass, do you really want anal? if you do just let me know so i can prep myself for it.” (assuming you’re open to try). “you dont need to sneak it in like that.”
putting yourself as motherly figure who will grant a manchild wish probably will work better than paint yourself as a victim, even if he’s twice your age.
Well… Atleast he didn’t kept going again and agian. He noticed that you didn’t liked it and therefore he didn’t do it again.
Question: Did you mention anything about it during the sex act? He could’ve just thought it was good timing, but unluckily you were not on the same sequence
But did you mention anything before? Like anything that can take as a no
I think it is a boundary issue. He shouldn’t have done it. But every one reads room wrong time to time. Maybe he thought that he had your non vocal consent. If I were you I would give him benefit of the doubt. However you definitely should talk to him about it, and made your boundaries clear.
It is also important that whether it is the first time he violates one of the boundaries? Or did he have any other redflags?
You definitely need to call him out on the problematic behavior, and ask why he didn’t ask first. Also, let him know ass to vagina isn’t ok you can get an infection.
No one here can tell you how to feel, but I personally need to feel safe and like my boundaries are being respected to continue a sexual relationship. I’d talk to him and gauge how you feel afterwards.
Oh god this sounds a bit like that time I was raped by my hookup… It definitely is assault since you didn’t consent to it happening and you should at the very least confront him about it (I’d recommend ditching him and possible reporting him too).
What he did was wrong and consent is ALWAYS necessary when it comes to sex. No exceptions!
Is it possible that he got his wires crossed and thought that because of previous conversations and the fact that he tried it a couple times before getting it in, that you were ready and okay with it? I say talk to him about it ASAP, and see where his mind was in the moment before reaching any conclusions (or listening to the inbound hysterics on this thread). Miscommunication or misunderstanding does not equal assult, and I can already see some folks are going there. You are going to get much more clarity hearing directly from him than you will from most people responding here. Judge for yourself if it was an act of disrespect, or a genuine miscalculation on his part after you have a conversation with him about it.
Okay, please don’t do ass to vagina or mouth, you’ll get real hurt. Also, I would talk to him. Let him know how you feel. He may have just taken some incorrect cues since you guys had talked about it before. I don’t think he meant any harm, so just have a conversation with him.
Yeah that was pretty dumb of him not to clean his dick as he puts you at risk of an infection. You should ditch this guy as he obviously has no respect for your body.
Idk just cause you don’t feel like u were assaulted doesn’t mean you weren’t… I would still confront him about this isn’t really the kind of thing you should sweep under the rug just because HE didn’t mention it. At the end of the day, this is your body and you should stand up for yourself (whatever that means is up to you. could be as a simple as a conversation)
Talk to him, let him know it wasn’t ok, and let him know it’s even worse to go from A to V. He’s putting you at serious risk for an infection that if you don’t catch in time can KILL you.
Stand up for yourself. Don’t let him get away with it just because you like him. No dick should be more important then your life.
Whether it was an accidental insertion or not, at the point it was removed from your bottom & placed in your vagina – he knew where it originally was. And should have, at least, apologized. As he didn’t, it was likely done on purpose.
I know people find love in lots of ways but if I had a dollar for every post about some old dude crossing the line with a young woman I would have enough money to tell Bezos and Musk to fork off.
You’re half his age. He’s playing you like a fiddle. Don’t let some old dude mess up your head and groom you into doubting what you are ok with. You got assaulted. He somehow tricked you into questioning yourself instead of calling him out. This wasn’t a mistake. He took what he wanted when he wanted without asking. Don’t let him make you feel gross. You deserve better, I promise.
I’m not saying what he did, if he in fact did it on purpose, is right to do. But if you’ve talked about wanting to try it previously and you didn’t say anything when he was touching it more than usual and even tried to put it in a few times, he probably felt like maybe he’d try it. If he’s been as respectful as you say then I would think he was just really turned on by the idea of it and you didn’t shoot down any of his advances ( I know you thought it was all innocent at the time). The best thing you can do is just let him know that you wouldn’t like him to do that again
Ngl I’m female but if I was that guy I’d have thought there was implied consent. For several reasons you’d talked about wanting to try it (which on its own is not consent), he’d been doing ass play on you that session which you’d accepted, and he’d tried several times that occasion. I mean that’s kind of how it’s meant to go not just slamming it straight in and seeing as you accepted up until that point I think he could be forgiven for assuming you were non verbally consenting
You need to be communicating clearly with each other
Well there’s no question, if he dose not respect your boundaries he needs to go. But I wonder if this was just a laps in judgment. He shot his shot and pulled it back when you didn’t like it.
Obviously tell him to fuck off if he tries again without your say. But I don’t know about right away
I would talk to him about it. He needs to know ***firmly*** that there better not be a second time. No negotiation. When it comes to things going in your butt, things have to be real clear. Not a lot of wiggle room on that one. Pun not intended.
I am glad that you don’t feel assaulted, because that is equally important here.
Set a boundary with him.
Given that you had discussed and planned anal before… his extra attention to your ass may have been his (not that smart) non-verbal way of seeing how receptive you were. Again, not the smartest way to approach it. Given he didn’t go back, probably lean toward benefit of doubt.
However, have a talk with him prior to your next sexual encounter. In person would be best. And ask him about it. If the convo goes well and I’m on point, explain that you would prefer verbal request/consent. Even if it may feel awkward or a ‘mood killer’ in the heat of the moment.
Best of luck with this potentially touchy situation. Hope it turns out well.
(Pre-emptively To others: This is just my opinion/advice. It is no more or less valid than yours. And if you disagree, fine, but don’t be an ass about it.)
Honestly, he probably thought it would be all good because you discussed it previously and it seemed like you’re down. Not trying to excuse it, but I might make the same mistake. Not that it makes it okay of course. You should talk to him about it
You didn’t consent to anal sex but yet, you still had vaginal sex with him? Does that not sound like a load a garbage or what?
Jeez talk to him about it
The issue at hand is she needs to flush prior to anal sex to keep ot clean, fun, and festive…..so poor sportsmanship to no forsite on his behalf……its up to you if you like the guy, tell him how you feel…..or show him this post….
Definitely talk to him about it and make it clear that’s something you have to clear with him before the fact.
A guy knows the difference. He’s an asshole(no pun intended) and just decided to do what he wanted.
I’d assume miscommunication. You’d talked about anal, planned it, he’s been teasing your butt… he probably (incorrectly) thought you were into it and went for it.
He shouldn’t have – but I don’t think this is your typical r/sex case of black and white disrespect.
Talk to him about it, ask why he did it and thought it was ok, and make it clear you need to have very firm consent going forward.
Sidenote: after his dick has been in your ass, you shouldn’t go back to piv without washing his dick or changing the condom. Not gonna be fun for you…
The way I’ve always approached it is to ask ‘where do you want it’? And go from there. But if you set aside a night to try it and the plans fell through, maybe just saying ‘not tonight’ when he’s trying to warm you up for it and moving on is the right thing to do.
If it’s not a big deal to you, just a clear “Hey, this isn’t porn. If we commit to anal, I need a serious heads -up to prepare.”
That said, you generally don’t accidentally end up in someone’s ass. This doesn’t seem very friendly of an FWB. Nor does it benefit you.
Decide for yourself the best way to move forward. If he is worth your time, have a conversation.
Is his name Kyle? 
huge red flag in my opinion, anal is a pretty personal part of sex and you have to have a conversation with your sexual partner before doing it. not everyone is into spontaneous anal, and he needs to realize that. have a conversation with him about it, and if he’s still not respecting your boundaries, then tell him you just want to be nothing more than friends.
The part where you said he tried penetrating you anally several times before he actually managed to get it in is where I think the miscommunication set it. When he tried and you did not stop him, he probably thought that meant it was OK to try. The fact that it did not ruin your night and he just moved on tells me he wasn’t trying to be shady.
Give him the benefit of the doubt.
If this is the first ‘bad thing’ then that is pretty good.
I don’t FEEL assaulted; then don’t manufacture negative emotions that might victimize you.
In my opinion, you maybe should have stopped and let him know that wasn’t cool instead of continuing to have sex with him.
Communication is everything. Due to you guys communicating that you did want it, he probably thought you wanted it right then. Bring it up to him. Watch his nonverbal communication. Will his face say that he is remorseful? That will show you why he did it, of he respects your and how you should proceed
Next time give him a bj and shove a finger or 2 up his ass and say see how it feels
Talk to him about it and reestablish boundaries.
Aren’t you guys worried of std/sti’s?
yeah, that is sexual assault. he purposefully did that without asking you. you don’t just introduce a new sex act to someone randomly even if you talked about it before. sure, it he might treat you well otherwise but if you still want to continue the relationship, this should be where you set an ultimatum and say that that wasn’t okay and he should make it known if he wants to try something new and if he doesn’t, you leave. him continuously doing whatever he wants to you whenever he wants it randomly is assault.
Twice your age? Yeah, sounds like you should also know better too.
I know reddit is supposed to be anonymous, but if his name is Noah Wright, get out of there while you can. I have an ex friend who turned out to be an anal-obsessed rapist and that was his name. This honestly sounds a lot like him except it got worse with time
The fact that you guys have been talking about it means that you want to try it out sometime…May be went with the flow and felt encouraged following your earlier discussions and attempts
Tell him that next time he does that you will shit his dick
Since there’s no personal red flags I would chock it up to a pretty large misstep on his part, maybe he thought that by touching your ass and the previous conversations about it that you had that he was leading up to it, and that you both were on the same page to go for it, but it was evidently only happening in his mind. Talk to him about it and if you want to try it go for it, but make it clear that it has to be discussed beforehand immediately preceding when it happens, you can’t have a conversation about wanting to try it a week before and then take that as consent in the moment.