Sorry for the vague title, the background to this is long, we have been dating a year, she cheated at the beginning by not breaking off a casual sex partner (incidentally something I’m not in to at all, I see sex and something for two loving people to do in a relationship, I’m not a one night stand kinda guy)
We don’t align with some of our world views but we do have good fun and good times, we go on a lot of adventures!
Sex is awkward, she just kinda is silent afterwards and if I try and give her a compliment she rolls her eyes and doesn’t believe me.
We have a lot of misunderstandings and a lot of situations occur where its one rule her her and another for me, for instance mornings, she is not a morning person, I used to be but since sleeping in the same bed with her I’m unable to rest properly as she kicks turns and rolls over constantly throughout the night! If I’m tired and out of energy in the morning she will be angry or annoyed at me, the other way round I understand her enough to let things before mid day slide and take it with a pinch of salt (I’ll text later in the day to check she’s OK and woke up)
This is so stressful as I feel I have to try and maintain that positive attitude and not be my real self as she doesn’t understand me. I’ve had depression and anxiety in the past, I solved it with exercise and correct sleep. I also cut out simple carbs and alcohol! Instantly I felt better and felt on top of the world! Well now a lot of this is being taken away I feel as my mental health is declining due to no sleep, we now eat sugars as a treat and I exercise less due to location and injury!
I know from the past I can overreact and cherry pick some negative things and block out the positive, but I’m struggling to see any and it’s making me want to end the relationship with her. It’s been rocky over the year and she still fall out. She seems to not understand other peoples feelings and doesn’t care maybe too? I wake up 3 hours earlier than I have too in order to prepare her breakfast and lunch and wake her up 30mins later to drive her to work. I offered these things but I do expect a thank you now and then and feedback that I’m doing well!
I don’t get this verbally. We said I love you too each other and if I say it to her she now has started to reply and say it back now and then but not all the time, inside that hurts me! I’ve told her this.
She hates the wrong gifts, and will never say thank or be greatful for flowers or surprise cake, I feel like I’ve done soemthing wrong if I buy her a gift by her response!
My background is, I was a thin kid, fat 20s man, thin mid 20s man onwards. I’ve always been friendly and passionate, and supportive when it comes to other people and their goals in life. I think being fat did change me, but slimming down also gave me a little bit of confidence, not much mind you, I still feel pretty low inside some times!
My question is, how do I know if this girl is for me or if my mind is messing with me? If I’m taking the fun stuff for granted and just focusing on the bad? I was lonely for years before meeting her but now I feel like I have fun and the dull ache in my chest has gone!
Tl:Dr how do I know if I’m focusing on the bad and forgetting the good parts of this relationship?
7 comments
So.. she cheated, you’re not sexually or romantically fulfilled, she’s mean… I don’t see any good…
Sounds like you know that she’s not a good girlfriend and you’re looking for reassurance that it’s ok to leave her. Here’s your reassurance: ITS OK TO LEAVE HER.
Anybody who doesn’t allow you to be yourself is not someone worth losing yourself to. Let her go & let yourself be happy.
>not be my real self as she doesn’t understand me
That there is where you know it’s not working. Plus everything else
You are blaming your partner for your diet changes but that’s on you.You choose to stay with someone that you feel like you have to lie to daily, if you can’t be your true self with your partner what is the point?
Sounds like you’re really unhappy in the relationship and have a long list of things you dislike – so end it. Also, if a relationship is making your health worse, there needs to be an incredibly good reason to maintain it. One of the few acceptable ways for that to happen is the sacrifice parents make to care for children, where they often need to give up quality sleep and feel worse for a long period of time to care for an infant or toddler and sometimes even into childhood. But there’s no reason to give up your health for this relationship.
>she cheated at the beginning by not breaking off a casual sex partner
This is when you end things.
You don’t stay in the relationship and martyr yourself and your health and well-being just because you’re desperate for the approval of someone who doesn’t deserve you.
Get better sleep, to start. Can you fit a second, separate bed in your room? If so, do it.
Get the good sleep, get your head together, *then* review your complaints. They may just become nothing burgers when you have the better lens to gaze though.
If she’s still problematic, then you know it is her, not you, that must go.