I’m asking this question because of a situation I’m in. So I’m 23 and my gf (let’s call her Jane) is 22. We’re both working right now and make a decent amount. I live in a very high COL area and I still live with my parents. It saves money and we enjoy living together still.
Jane recently moved out of her parents house to work in a different city (relatively similar COL). My work isnt located in the same city so I didn’t move with her. However it was discussed that I might move there next year as my work may allow me to WFH.
A bit of background on the house. Jane’s parents helped her buy it and she’s responsible for paying the mortgage. I did not have any say in it. I own nothing of it. Initially she expected me to pay around 3k for living in the house when I move in with her. I’m about to visit her next week as well and she expected me to pay for a prorated rent for that week as well.
I was to be honest a little insulted. I was making a sacrifice to move in with her and also visiting her, yet she wanted to charge me a huge amount for it.
after talking about it, Jane decided to not charge me for my one week visit and lower the eventual rent to around 2k. if she had proposed that initially, I would have been somewhat fine with it. But the fact that she had asked me to pay such a large amount of money to move in with her and also to visit her has left me pretty upset. Even 2k is a pretty substantial amount to be paying for a city I have no business being in, besides for my gf.
I’m curious, what are your opinions?
edit: we have been dating for a year and a half, if that gives any extra context
32 comments
She sounds entitled af
I’d question if you two are compatible when it comes to finances.
Question. Is she telling you to pay the 2k now while you’re not moved in with her yet, or after you move in?
Wtf, charging you for a visit?
Nah man, time to cut ties.
How much is mortgage… at 3k sounds like your buying your SO a house with nothing for you. Sounds greedy
Though you two are just dating, moving in together is a big enough step that I would begin transitioning into paying bills as if you two were a married couple. For some couples this is to have each person pay proportionally to their income, for some couples this is to have each person pay the same regardless of their income. This has to be decided by the couple.
Well, that’s the advice I would normally give. Since she bought this house without you in mind she should be able to pay for it without your help. You two didn’t choose to rent or buy a place with the expectation that you would both pay for it. In this sense, I don’t think you should pay any rent. You should pay the amount that you increase in utility and food cost, but that’s it. Unless she was somehow planning to rent part of it out if you weren’t there then you don’t cost her anything else.
If you two are ever on a lease or mortgage together then I recommend paying proportional to income. If you are moving into her house that she solely owns and bought before you were a consideration, you should only pay the amount of money you cost.
Charging someone to “visit” is borderline prostitution…. wtf.
>Initially she expected me to pay around 3k for living in the house when I move in with her.
Also wtf… that almost covers the entire mortgage + taxes + insurance on a 500k house in a super high tax area like where I live.
The paying rent for a visit is odd, I mean, I’ve never heard of that happening where I’m from. When you movie in, its a little different. I guess I wouldn’t ask my SO to pay my mortgage unless WE bought a house together. I might ask for help with utilities or such… Everyone is different though. I would never make my bubby pay for visiting me, never. I would give him gas money tho 🙌
A visiting charge? I would never think to do that and it seems greedy to me. As for ongoing rent, I would look at comparable rentals in the area and pay half, along with splitting the usual rental expenses (electricity, water, gas – not repairs, taxes etc.). She shouldn’t expect anymore, unless she’s willing to make you a part owner.
Holy shit, how much is the monthly mortgage alone?
If my bf tried to charge me to visit him for a week I’d break up on the spot. That’s the stingiest thing I’ve ever heard of.
If she owns the place and bought it without you in mind, I think it’s fair for you to pay market rent for a room basically. Do not contribute to any repairs as you have no equity and aren’t on the deed. But at that price, you might just be better off moving to her city and finding a few roommates to split a place with.
She wanted to charge you 3k to live in a house she owns, wtf is her mortgage payment? Even if 3k is 50%, that is excessive since it is her property and she gains equity and you gain nothing
What the heck. She is whack. If she wants you to move in with her she needs to be willing to take what you can reasonably give. The only thing you chose in this situation is your girlfriend and she’s trying to bleed you dry to pay her mortgage. Yikes.
Split 50/50. You’re the significant other, she shouldn’t be trying to profit off you living there, that’s weird.
I think splitting evenly is the general expectation and her wanting to basically charge you as a tenant (because even roommates is generally an even split in my experience) is crazy. Especially since it sounds like if you *were* paying rent, you wouldn’t have chose where she is living.
I own my home and bf lives with me, we split all bills evenly and have done so since I originally moved in with him 4-5 years ago. I’ve had multiple roommates as well (before the bf) and always split bills evenly.
Look at market rent in the area that the house is in. Compare it to the quality of living quarters. Honestly. If you are in the US. Unless you are in a Major city, that’s one high rent for your half.
I think you shouldn’t move in with her. I see big deal red flags. Let her rent out the rooms to others. Paying rent is one thing but it really does seem she is trying to take you for a sucker. Is that what you want to get yourself into?
If your name isn’t on the mortgage, then don’t help pay for the mortgage specifically. If her parents helped her pay for it and she has signed up for that mortgage herself, then it’s her responsibility & she’s obviously able to pay it.
The compromise is this- pay for all of the utilities & groceries instead. That way you’re not living there “rent free”, you’re taking as much financial burden of the joint living expenses as you can without paying a mortgage that you have no piece of the pie in. This works extra well since you’ll be working from home, using more electricity this way, and eating from home this way. So she won’t feel a financial impact by your presence in the house .. considering her mortgage won’t change but utilities & groceries will.
Charging for a visit is absurd.
What would typical rent in a house be in that area? If renting a house costs 4k a month and it’s a 2 BR, in theory one person would get the master and pay slightly more (her as she owns) and the lesser room would be say 1500. Just making up #s that are easy. Now if you are getting a private office, I’d expect a bit more. In my scenario I’d say 1500 if you are renting and getting an office to yourself since yoire an SO, if you wrr a roomatw with a BR to yourself and privafe office, id say 1750-2000. Plus your share of utilities. Less if your office space is in the LR or bedroom and is therefore “shared space”.
When 1 person owns, I don’t think 50/50 is fair or my go to of “split based on income”. If you were renting together, I’d say split by income. In this case, you are renting from her and she is gaining equity. So, the rules are a bit different. I think you should owe a bit less than if you were renting with a roommate. Since you have no control over anything about the house
Get a rental agreenent if you move in.
I wouldn’t move in with her and help her pay her mortgage unless we were married… because if you aren’t and you eventually break up the only person who benefits is her cause you payed her mortgage…
If my man EVER tried to charge me for visiting him I’d dump him, that’s a huge 🚩
Also, you’d be doing her a favor by moving in because you don’t even need to move in with her… you’d be down 24k/year not including groceries? Bills? Paying for a mortgage that’s not yours…
If you’re not sure if you want to marry her by the time you’re moving in with her, it’s best to cut ties ✂️
Charging you pro-rata for a week’s visit? What, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck.
What’s the total mortgage cost? What percent of that cost is she asking you to bear?
I ask because my partner and I use a proportional contribution system, which is what I’d suggest you guys do as well. How it works is, we each put 45% of our take-home pay into a joint account we opened when we moved in together. The money in that account is strictly for household needs – not just rent or mortgage, but internet, water, electric, everything. Including groceries.
I have a whole spreadsheet I created to calculate the necessary percentage, based on both our incomes, to make sure the account has enough coming in every month to cover everything (plus some cushion to build up for emergencies). When we first moved in together, it was 60% each, because I didn’t make much money. As we’ve both moved up the ladder, the % has dropped. Our car payments and auto insurance are separate, because neither of us wanted to be beholden to someone else’s opinions on affordability when choosing a car (we’re both Car People so it’s important to us), and things like hobbies we use our individual funds for. Events we go to together like concerts or restaurants, we usually split 50/50, or whichever partner has more cash in their personal account will cover it and we just kind of keep an eye out to make sure it doesn’t tilt too far one way or the other.
So I’d suggest talking to your girlfriend about doing something similar. Add up the total cost for the household, add up your total take-home pay per month, see what % the household costs are compared to that total. That’s the amount you should each be contributing. Whenever someone gets a substantial pay increase (or decrease, if that happens) you recalculate.
Ok this is the thing. I believe in couples contributing to bills together as they live together (sharing household,etc)..right, but…I’m wary about partners who want to make $$ out of their partners.
I mean, for her to expect that you pay part of the mortgage/utility, that’s fair. If you’re moving in with her in that city and you’re renting your own place, OP, you will be doing that to your landlord. But, what kind of a house is this, is this like a mansion? Is her mortgage around $5k-6k a month (not to mention the property tax, etc)? What does 2k or 3k give you there? It’s so high for 1 person to be paying, unless for y’all this is a normal $$ to spend on rent….
Also. That 1 week visit and she wants to charge you on that? Yeah, I side eye her HARD on that. WTF is wrong with her? Does she not like you? LOL. You’re just there to visit for a week..and she wants you to pay? WTHHHH….
My opinion? Get ready to break up if you don’t like LDR. If you’re comfortable where you are monetarily, stay there. Don’t move in with her. You may not like it, since you already say you don’t want to move there if not because of her. Then she tries to charge you a lot of $$ (again, Idk where she lives, y’all may be living in some fancy-mcmansion sooo)….so I have no idea if the 2k or 3k she wants you to pay is fair for living there.
Wow thats stingy. Info: how much is her mortgage payment?
I am a bit stunned that you have such a grasping and greedy girlfriend. Charging you for a visit? What the actual hell? I am 62, own a real estate firm and this is wild.
If you move there, and I hope you just break up instead, then you should thoroughly investigate the market rate for what you need and pay no more than that.
What the hell?
ETA What the hell?
Major red flag.
It’s 50/50 if we’re actually living together and not whatever this bullshit is, I would gladly pay all the rent if she paid utilities, food, and paid for most dates.
Charging you to visit? Lol wtf. I’d get pissed if I dated a guy and he did that. I also couldn’t imagine doing that to someone.
Also, 3k is steep. How much is her mortgage? I’d say at max half of the mortgage cost. If she’s concerned about money she should just get roommates….
Either way. The fee for visiting doesn’t sit right. I wouldn’t stay with someone after that.
If you are going to live there, you should be paying rent, or paying utilities, or something. It’s not fair for you to get a free place to live, while adding to your girlfriend’s plate of costs.
Is the 3k per month or the year?
When my boyfriend moved in with me nine years ago, he split rent and utilities 50/50 with me. Worked fine. Then I got extremely sick and couldn’t work, so he took over all bills for about a year. I was able to start working again, but he decided he’d continue to pay rent and groceries, I pay for utilities, which worked fine for four years. Then he lost his job, so I took over everything for about six months. He was able to get an incredible job, and we moved several hours away, he still pays for rent and groceries, while I pay utilities.
Dude she is RIPPING YOU OFF. Who asks for a rent payment for a visit!? It sounds as though she wants you to cover the bulk of it so she has more spending money and that’s not fair.
I’d ask them to split the bills plus a little bit extra. My rent is just over £1k but if I was paying the mortgage instead I’d be asking for about £150-200, or if they were happy to take on more of the cleaning or cooking then that would work as well.
If it’s a 3 bedroom, do you get to have one bedroom room for yourself and then also share a room with gf? Or are there restrictions?
Sometimes it’s just a matter of asking someone to reframe their perspective, and that she didn’t really think about it from your point of view. Alternatively, it’s possible that she sees your relationship as very transactional. You will have to determine which.
If you are not on the mortgage you should pay whatever a reasonable rent for the area is. You definitely shouldn’t pay half of the mortgage. And who the heck pays for a visit to an SO? That’s weird. I’d be rethinking the whole relationship. You’re way better off getting a place on your own or with roommates rather than supplementing her mortgage payment
Half… You use half the place, you pay half the price
When I moved in with my SO (not married, not planning to get married) to the property he bought, he asked me to pay exactly $0 saying this is his place and I shouldn’t carry the cost. I ended up buying a few furniture items and most of the food when we lived there.
When he was visiting me back when I lived on my own, I was charging him exactly $0 for coming and sponsored our activities since he paid for the travel.
I know the former arrangement is unusual. The latter however I believe to be a standard and your GF is giving me weird vibes.