My BF has asked me to move in with him. He owns a house and I have an apartment.
We’ve already talked about finances, chores, pets, schedules, and logistic expectations. We are both excited for me to move in. Actually most people consider us living together, since for the last month I only go home to grab stuff or get mail.
My concern is my stuff and decorating. His house doesn’t feel like home to me. When I go for lunch or come back from work, it just never feels like going home for lunch or coming home. It feels like going to his place.
I have a coworker whose GF just moved in and he is always complaining about her stuff, wanting to paint, moving the furniture, etc. I don’t want my BF to feel that way…
If a GF moved in with you how did you handle her wanting to mildly redecorate or incorporate her decorations so it felt more like home for her?
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> I have a coworker whose GF just moved in and he is always complaining about her stuff, wanting to paint, moving the furniture, etc. I don’t want my BF to feel that way…
This is going to sound sexist…and I don’t mean it to be – but this is likely to be inevitable. I don’t know a single married heterosexual couple where 95% of the decor isn’t her choosing. No, it won’t happen overnight but realistically, unless you guys are both statistical outliers for your gender, it will slowly morph this way over time.
Most men don’t really care how the house is decorated. It just bothers them that all of their home decor ideas are shot down and replaced with something else.
It’s a tricky thing, particularly when one person moves into another’s existing space that they’ve already outfitted and decorated. Ideally when two people move in together they’d find a new place that they could equally make theirs from scratch.
But since that’s not always an option, you need to have a conversation with your BF telling him that it doesn’t feel like home for you but rather his place that you’re staying at. To fix this he’ll have to allow you to incorporate some of your stuff into the home decor and layout so that it feels like both your places.
Ultimately unless he’s a really fabulous interior designer he should understand and be okay with letting you add some of your flourishes to the place, if only to make it feel like home for you as well.
My fiance (37F) and I (38M) had/have this problem. At one point we saw a counselor to build communication and this is one topic my GF at the time brought up. The therapist said something along the lines “women need to nest and not having a place to do so is against the biological make up, and the only way I have ever seen relationships work is when you move into a new place together.” The therapist went on to say “It works better when the man moves into the woman’s house but it does not work the same when the women moves in.” It has been a few years since then and now my fiance wants to stay at the house I had long before her because she sees the financial benefit but it has been a lot of work to get to where we are at.
We have an agreement when we get married that we will go through the house together. My house needs an update and once we get married the house will be in her and my name and we will take everything off the walls, repaint it a color we both agree, and do the updating we will both agree on and essentially start over so I think that gives her some hope that one day it will be hers.
I have never had an issue (since day 1) of her hanging anything on the walls but she doesn’t do it. I have told her point blank, do anything you want but she still doesn’t yet will complain nothing is hers. A while back I had a death in the family and brought some pictures and just hung them up and I could tell she was not pleased but I am left thinking “what should I have done?” My suggestion; make the place yours. Maybe chat with him and express the feelings you have like you did here and let him know that it would make you feel better if you could hang and place stuff, then just do it. It would be even better you could “refresh” the house no matter how large or small that is together.
That house is a reflection of him and his things. By you moving in you are subsequently detracting from that.
You both have agreed to make concessions. You will need to discuss each thing. Every new thing, every thing replaced, will be a negotiation. He needs input or a say in the matter, otherwise it’ll feel like a coup (to him). Both of you will need to account for this into your finances and emotional budget.
He will have non-negotiables as will you. Figure those out and address them.
In short, this is a growing pain and completely normal. Eventually he will see the way of having numerous towel and hand towels, bath mats, cooking utensils, pots, pans, mandolins, stuff on the walls, throw pillows and blankets, etc,
You should expect to have some say over the decor. It is your home now too.
Even a single room or a corner of a room that you can decorate the way you like, and use your furniture in, will go along way.
He is asking you to make it your home as well. My wife moved into my house after our wedding and she slowly, over the first six months made it her own. She hung up pictures, reorganized, and has made it ours. It takes time.
I think its all depends on the relationship and how he feels about his house. When my girlfriend moved in she bought a dinning room set and painted a bunch, but to me it was just a bachelor pad and she made it feel like a home.
I think you should tell him exactly what you just posted here. What you wrote is a respectful, open-minded way to approach the subject. It’s also one of a thousand little conversations and negotiations that you guys will have. Enjoy the relationship!
Slowly start bringing stuff over. A pillow. A blanket… He won’t notice or might end up liking them. I started slowly and now my boyfriend has a few corners of his old stuff hahahah. But those corners keep him happy.
How communicative is your boyfriend? How open and understanding is he? This will make or break it. Either he’ll fight you tooth and nail or he’ll understand.
I moved into my boyfriend’s home and I’m struggling really hard trying to decorate in his style. His style is the opposite of mine and it’s very dark and depressing and very masculine. He hates my style too. The only thing we can apparently agree on is some kind of french country, but I still prefer light colors and he prefers dark and he usually gets his way. I’m at the point where I don’t think I’ll ever feel at home here, despite him making phenomenal efforts to make me happy ever decision usually ends up leaning more toward what he wants and not what I want…
… and truth be told I don’t feel like I can stay here long. I don’t think my boyfriend can understand it because he’s not on my side of the fence, but it’s a little soul destroying. Death by a million papercuts.
I wish you well.
man
My partner had a house and i moved in, it is now our house (i cover half of all expenses anyway) and some things changed as he liked my ideas better….
Talk to him about it – I’m sure he won’t mind if you change things (just not his man cave/chair/shed!) as he would rather have you live there than not.
So, you’ve talked to him about everything else, talk to him about this too.
Talk to him, but he will likely be okay with you adding a female touch. You need to leave at least 1 room for him to have as he wants without any pretty touches added 🙂 I think the majority of guys know this will happen and are generally okay with it – as long as they can veto certain things like cat curtains – but also do need a place to call their absolute own for ‘guy stuff’.
If it were me id ask for a room. Ideally you should move into a new space together, but if moving into someone else’s space then it’s important to either work together or set a personal space you can make your own.
Married for 14 years here.
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We actually each just have our own room that we decorate as we see fit. We sleep together on occasion, plenty of cuddling and sex is fine. We just found out that a good middle ground is to each of use have a personal space on the house to decorate/chill/do whatever you want.
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On the common areas we usually find a common ground on what to do, like the living room.
When my GF moved in with me I straight up encouraged her to change what ever she wanted. I know my Interior design skills are non existent and I wanted her to have a sense of ownership over the home. I still had my areas like the garage and a the key elements in the house but she changed everything in the living areas and I’m 100% greatful. My advice is to first straight up ask him if he minds you changing somethings. I know I would say “fuck yeah go to town”. Second try not to throw out his prized poccestions and instead try and find a way to present them as accents in the house. And finally Obviously don’t build Rome in a day.
> I have a coworker whose GF just moved in and he is always complaining about her stuff, wanting to paint, moving the furniture, etc. I don’t want my BF to feel that way…
Obtain patience and work on your relationship with this man, showing him that you are everything he wants and needs, so that you get to nest with him some day. Certainly wouldn’t hurt to run some suggestions by him for some decoration and such. At the end of the day its his home though and you’re not married, so you should be talking to him, not us.
Go to a new home with him and decorate both. Besides that thats his house.
If it were with me (31m), I’d just let her do whatever with the place as long as she didn’t do anything to one room and kept a warm painting atmosphere throughout the house.
Personally I’m quite a ‘go with it’ guy, and I’m used to other people with taste making decisions for me, since I’ve had interiors people work on most of the homes I’ve owned / occupied – and the rare exceptions to the rule look like the “this is a single man with no clue about decoration” places they are.
I have rooms I take a very personal interest in (e.g. study, data room, wardrobe room) mostly from a functional PoV, but beyond that I go with whatever the interior designers recommend, because as long as it’s a liveable space with the amenities I want, I don’t actually care all that much.
So if any GF wanted to make a change I was OK with it – some have. If I really don’t like it after we’ve broken up then I just call in the interiors people again.
My recommendation would be sit it out for a while, then broach the subject as “can I make it feel a little more *me* as well”. A little like the Russians hacking the US populace – slowly slowly catchy monkey.
You just need to talk to him. My wife does all the decorating and picking out furniture etc. The only thing I care about is the cost really. I don’t care how she decorates it outside of that. He might be like me.
> I have a coworker whose GF just moved in and he is always complaining about her stuff, wanting to paint, moving the furniture, etc. I don’t want my BF to feel that way…
Have you asked him how specific parts of this would make him feel? There might be some commonalities across how most guys would respond, but none of us are him.
I’ve never had someone move into ‘my’ space like that, my cohabiting houses have been new for both of us. But, I’m clueless about decorating, don’t care much about art. I also just don’t think to pick up things like throws and candles, the fact that she does and makes the place more homely is one of the things I really appreciate about my SO. If I’d been living there to begin with and she’d moved in later, I’d have no problem with her wanting to decorate or add touches. The things that *would* bug me would be overkill of trinkets, or moving stuff around since I *hate* having to look for something that isn’t where it lives.
I think a good start is to ask for at least one area of the house you can have to yourself and decorate however you want. Start there. He’ll probably like that you want your own space there – explain that you need to make it feel more comfortable for you, and if the tables were turned, you’d do the same for him.
>If a GF moved in with you how did you handle her wanting to mildly redecorate or incorporate her decorations so it felt more like home for her?
If it was my home, I personally wouldn’t care as long as I can have one room as my own. My viking replica helmet in the living room has to stay somewhere in the living room though. lol
My wife (gf at the time) moved into my house while we were dating. I didn’t realize it at the time, but for her to feel like the house was her home we had to redecorate the entire house. It was the only way for her to feel like it wasn’t my house, but our house.