Hi all, so I’m very conflicted about this one and would really appreciate some advice.
I (22m) broke up with my ex (25f) around 15 months ago and since then I’ve been basically unable to fall for anyone else. Every day I listen to songs that remind me of her and I miss what we had.
Now the reason I broke up with her was basically because of how depressed I was at the time.
It was when covid was particularly bad here in the UK, it was cold, dark and we were gearing up to be locked down for months again. This coincided with my business showing early signs of failure which made me feel like a total waste of space.
I broke up with her because at the time I felt like my mental state caused me to make her more unhappy than happy. I hated seeing her upset and I broke up with her because I didn’t feel like I could give her what she wanted.
It was made even worse by the fact that I didn’t really mean to break up with her at that point, she kind of got it out of me.
She left in tears without hugging me goodbye, blocked me on everything and that was it. It was probably the most upsetting moment of my life.
Fast forward 6 months after the breakup (about a year ago now) and my business was thriving and I was feeling a lot better in myself. I reached out to ask her for a coffee and she agreed. But I’d have to travel to London and I got sucked into working an extremely busy period and couldn’t arrange it for a couple months.
Finally when I was able to she says she wouldn’t have anything to say to me. “No hard feelings” she said but ouch I was distraught. How can she have nothing to say to me? I know how we used to feel about each other and nothing compared.
Now it’s almost a year since she said no. I can’t seem to fall for any other women, and I still think about her daily and dream about her regularly. I can’t bring myself to grow any other relationships and my confidence when it comes to talking to women has been shattered.
Do I message her again? I was just 19 and she was 22 when we got together. It’s only now that I am 22 myself that I appreciate the risk she took on me at that age. Those years at that age seem to make a big different.
I wasn’t mature enough at the time for the sort of love and relationship that we had. But my life has completely changed, I am on track to have everything I told her I would have and yet she’s the only thing I want now.
I now live a solid adult life, running my business and living in my own place just like I wanted. I finally have the band width for a serious relationship.
I don’t know about her current relationship status, I think she was with someone but it seems ambiguous as to whether that ended.
Would reaching out to see if she’d like to meet be a bold move worth trying?
Would it be selfish when she’s likely completely moved on?
Would it just be plain embarrassing to try again at this stage?
Any and all advise is appreciated because this has been making me miserable for too long now.
What I think I need is closure.
But unfortunately what I want is to never have needed it at all.
2 comments
It would be selfish
>. I reached out to ask her for a coffee and she agreed. But I’d have to travel to London and I got sucked into working an extremely busy period and couldn’t arrange it for a couple months.
There’s where you blew it. It’s over. This was the moment where you might have been able to make a new start and you prioritized work instead of showing her that she is important. I wouldn’t ever allow myself to be vulnerable again to a man who did this.
You can’t move on because you are not getting out of your own way.
> Every day I listen to songs that remind me of her and I miss what we had.
Change your playlist. Ask friends & colleagues for new music recommendations, switch to listening to audio books for a couple of months. You’re currently engaged in a Pavlovian pattern that ensures that you will keep dwelling on the past.
Depends really do you think it would work long term if you got back in contact or would you think if your life gets depressing again you would end the relationship again?
I personally go with live life in the moment and take a risk if you think your head and heart are on the same page with this but if you seem doubtful maybe don’t waste your time getting back in contact.
You need to know where she is also in life and if it’s worth it in the end.
I also feel you are being a bit selfish only because you mention that you couldn’t find anyone else like her so it comes across like she’s a backup plan. So are your intentions to text her because you genuinely want her back or do you just want someone.
But it’s great that you realise now the things she did and take ownership for your own faults you sound more mature now to know what you want.
If it ended on good terms I don’t see why you can’t reach out. But if it was bad terms I would leave her alone and maybe invest your time in someone else.
You are the only one who knows your situation better than us I guess.