To give some context my older sister has a tendency to be controlling which is something i dont like. Our relationship was rocky growing up but has gotten better. Ive been working on setting limits with people in the past few years. A relative of ours is having a a birthday party this weekend. I wasnt thinking about going, partly cause im not very interested in going (we dont have similar friends) and I hope to make other plans tbh (i may hangout with a few school friends but its not set in stone). Im leaving for another state in august and i wanna try to see as much of the big city (30 minutes away) as possible.
Also i had some covid contact the past few days and ive started to feel a cold coming. (Raspy throat, stuffy nose, etc). The bday girl has kids and id feel bad if something happened to her kids.
In our group chat my sister told everyone “she was going to get me to go and that i needed to be ready for when she picked me up”. It annoys me when she does this. I have yet to respond but i wanted to say “im starting to get some symptoms after having contact with a few covid positives. By the way sis next time ask me before you commit my time”.
My sister has a bad temper so i know shes will probably take it the wrong way. She is also minupulitive and i know if she takes it the wrong way she will try to flip it on me and make me look like the bad guy. Im not sure if that text is too much or not. Ive tried handling this behind closed doors with her and she tries to improve but she still does it at times (not alot).
Would i be in the wrong if i called her out on the group chat?
If not, is my text valid.
Tl;DR
My sister who at times can be controlling told everyone in a group chat she is going to get me to go to our cousins party, that im not interested in going. I havent responded but i wanna send a reply saying that im not interested and to not commit my time without asking me. Would i be in the Wrong?
Edit:
Update: After reading a few posts i decided maybe the group chat wasnt the best place to dish that out. I just sent out in the group chat that i had plans that day but i wanted wishing my relative a happy birthday. My sister then sent me a personal texts asking where I was going. I said i had something planned with a few friends from school already and next time id appreciate it if she didnt speak for me. She has yet to respond. I didnt send it with any malice and i even put a smile emoji at the end. I am a little anxious (setting limits with people is still hard for me) but after doing some mentality exercises im feeling a bit better now.
4 comments
Personally, I would respond with something like, “Actually, I’m not attending this party, thanks for the offer of a ride, though!”
After that, literally just copy and paste the exact same answer to anything your sister says on the topic. Be away from home around when she would stop by to pick you up, just in case she shows up anyways.
>My sister has a bad temper so i know shes will probably take it the wrong way. She is also minupulitive and i know if she takes it the wrong way she will try to flip it on me and make me look like the bad guy.
Here’s the thing – this is not actually a problem you need to solve. It *feels* terrible being on the other end of this, but actually, it’s OK.
It’s OK if your sister is pissed. Block her or remove yourself from the conversation or mute her so you don’t have to deal with it. Her emotions are not your problem. What is your problem is setting up boundaries that prevent her from trying to MAKE her emotions your problem.
It’s OK if your sister tried to flip it on you or make you look like the bad guy. People who respond to manipulation will believe her, and that’s good, because now you know whose opinion you don’t need to care about. People who can see through her, will see through her, and you don’t need to worry those people’s opinions of you will be influenced by her.
What benefit would there be to calling her out in front of others? All it will accomplish is put her on the defensive even faster than if you did so in private, which will remove *any* chance that she’ll actually pay attention to the actually-important part of what you have to say.
So just say, on the group chat, something like: “im starting to get some symptoms after having contact with a few covid positives, so I will not be coming.”
Leave it at that. There’s no room for interpretation, and you haven’t escalated anything, so no one can accuse you of doing so.
If she shows up at your place after you say that, after you’ve made it clear that you are not going (and why)…then just don’t answer the door.
Sounds like me and my sister exactly. No you’re not in the wrong, its *your* time, its *your* descision.
I guess you wouldn’t be “in the wrong”, but … what would you expect to be the outcome of poking this bear in public?
To the group: “Happy birthday to RELATIVE, but I’m not going to make it!”
To your sister: “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t speak for me, thanks :)”