Hey everyone.
I (30F) have been seeing this guy (27M) since January.
We have a really nice relationship. We talk all day long, we meet when we can because we are both busy people (especially him).
We have a great time when we are together. We laugh a lot and have so much fun, sex is great and we have a connection. We share our private stuff, we get emotional around each other and when something happens in our lives the first thing we do is to text each other.
But I have seen some stuff that I couldn’t understand that made me think he is not as into me like I’m into him. I talked with him about this. He tells me I’m very special to him, that’s this is the first time he feels this way with someone (he had 1 relationship for around 6 months and it was very toxic. He has been with other girls, but always for a few months, nothing serious).
I have met his best friend and coworkers. I haven’t met his parents but he told me they know about me.
The thing is, a few days ago I made the question “What are we?” and he told me he is not ready for a relationship yet. Saying he wants to be with me but he is not ready now.
He said he is afraid of commitment.
I asked him to elaborate more and explain what he means. He says it makes him feel vulnerable and like on foreigner field.
He also said he doesn’t want to lose his freedom and the little free time he has he wants it to be for himself.
I felt hurt about this.
It’s not what I want, I want to be with someone that actually wants to be with me.
I really like this guy. He makes me feel good and we always have a great time, I feel we have a connection.
But this makes me feel like he doesn’t likes me enough or doesn’t love me enough.
He says he does. That this has nothing to do with me and that it’s an issue he has to work on.
And I don’t know what to do. I won’t pressure things, but I don’t know if I want to wait him to know if he wants to have a relationship with me.
It’s confusing me. Can you really be afraid of commitment if you are into someone?
35 comments
> Can you really be afraid of commitment if you are into someone?
Not after 6 months of dating, I would suggest.
I think he likes you but not enough to want to be ‘stuck’ with you. I could understand someone wanting 2-3 months to become official and solidify things, but having so much doubt and indifference after 6 months makes me think he doesn’t like you enough.
Sorry, he has issues. This is why he’s never had a long term relationship. After six months, he should know if he wants to be with you.
This has nothing to do with you or your worth. You are wasting your time. He clearly is too immature to be with anyone.
It seems you are on different pages in the book. You have to make the decision about whether or not you are willing to wait until he is ready to commit. How long are you willing to wait? What happens if he doesn’t ever want to commit? At the moment, he’s getting all the great stuff of a relationship without any of the responsibilities. He’s told you he doesn’t want a relationship. Maybe you should listen. I wish you all the best.
Don’t walk…run!!! He’ll never commit, because if he was going to, he would have done it by now. Don’t waste anymore of your time and love and energy on someone who won’t give you what you want. I wish someone had told me this advice when I was in this exact same pseudo relationship before.
He doesn’t want to be with you, not really. He is keeping you around for comfort, sex and companionship, but without the strings attached so that when something better comes along, he can go for it. He wants the benefits of a relationship without investing in you.
Get out. Tomorrow.
So are you guys not exclusive? If not, then end it. This combined with the “too busy to meet often” just screams he’s seeing other people and you’re acting like it’s a relationship.
There isn’t really anything to understand or to be confused about. He doesn’t want a relationship with you.
People like that. NOPE.
A person can be terrified of commitment even if they are in love in with someone. I was that person. A whole bunch of times in my life. I broke great relationships with great women. After therapy, I hope I am better enough. This doesn’t mean this is what is actually going on with this guy, this is just me. I think what is more important than what he is going through, what are you going to do? Seems to always come down to that. EDIT: wrote opinion as fact.
I could understand him if the problem would be that being vulnerable is scary and committing to someone is too.
But this kind of sounds like he wants the good parts of your relationship/situationship but not the ‘hard work’ (shouldn’t be hard work, but I guess he sees it that way).
I would think that if you want to commit to a long-term, serious relationship with future plans that you prioritize that somehow. Sure you both do your things, but you don’t see any of it as an obstacle. You do it because you love the person and are willing and motivated to work for it and show up for one another. It should be seen as a pleasure to work for being happy with someone of you love someone and see a future with them.
If after 6 months he gives you that answer after you try to define the relationship, I guess you should think about either looking for someone who is able to give you the things you desire in a relationship, or if he means so much to you that you want to further discuss things and perhaps wait for him or stay in a situationship/keep dating.
Best of luck!
If he was 100% (or close to) sure about you, he’d be okay to commit after six months. He’s just not THAT into you. If you sacrifice what you want to keep him around, he’ll notice you lower your value to keep him with you. You’ll always be stuck in a situationship.
I’m going to be honest with you, to me it seems like he just wants to be intimate with you and I believe he’s using you to fill in the times when he’s feeling lonely. After 6 months of being with someone you should already know if you see a future with them, regardless if he’s afraid of commitment or not, he should have let you know this month ago. Honey stop wasting your time and move on.
He told you what he means
You can either wait or move on
I’m a moving on… life is too short to wait on someone who isn’t giving you what you need
He may like you on some level, but he can’t or isn’t willing to give you want you need. If you’re looking for a relationship, I would keep looking. If you wait around for him to change, that may never happen.
This situation is so common and I don’t think it always necessarily means that he’s using you. I think a certain subset of men are just truly terrified of relationships with women because they still believe this cultural lie that they learned in childhood that women will drag you down and make your life miserable so you should never commit. They’re so afraid of their own vulnerability and emotions. It’s really sad and they end up missing out on great opportunities.
At some point in his life he’ll need to make the decision for himself to either go to therapy, or to just take the plunge, be brave, and do something that scares him. But he’s right that that’s on him. We all have to unlearn our fears as we get older and you are going to get more and more hurt by waiting around for him. It sucks to watch someone get so in their own head like this. But I disagree with people who say “for the right woman he would”. I think it’s more complicated than that.
Walk. No. run 🏃🏽♀️ away . Stop wasting time on men who don’t want you. He’s telling you now; believe him.
Uh oh. Run, OP. The dude I dumped 3 months ago said the same thing and I was dumb enough to drag it on.
He has to work on his commitment issues, but you have a choice to figure that out with him or leave for your own sanity. 6 months is a long enough time to know if you see a future with someone or not.
Maybe there’s a way to re-frame the situation so he can understand where you’re coming from and why having it defined as a relationship is important to you? Since he may feel isolated while he’s anxious, you could emphasize how he’s not alone in this. You’re already with him and you’ll only be closer by being official. If you could express the reasons why having a relationship is your current goal then he might see the situation less about himself and more about you together as a couple.
It sounds like he’s still more concerned about what’s on his plate than what you might be feeling. If he doesn’t have a lot of experience and feels anxious then that would only reinforce that individualist mentality.
It might be good to stick with a slow and steady pace and give extra emotional support to make him feel safe. Forcing anything when he doesn’t feel comfortable will be tough going. Let him know that you understand where he’s at and are there for him. Then hopefully things can grow from there into something beautiful.
(I get that it’s already been a while but some people are kinda terrible so if you like it so far why not try to make progress? If it really, really doesn’t budge then it’s probably a whatevership purgatory.)
He’s keeping his options open is what that means.
End it now. I have been through this. Be the strong one and don’t settle for this ‘scared of commitment’ bs. Like sure, it may be true but if he reeeeally like you, he would take the plunge. He is going to hurt you eventually.
Secure attachment style men are never terrified of commitment. They may delay looking for their partner until they are over 30 depending on their career path. Dudes join the military at 18 , learn how to defend our country and use weapons and get married and have children by the time they are this guys age. Don’t give any more avoidant baby man children your attention after you sort this situation out and stop romanticizing it.
“He also said he doesn’t want to lose his freedom and the little free time he has he wants it to be for himself.”
Ehmmmm do what? That sounds like your answer all on its own. So he wants to roll around, laugh, and play play boyfriend but not actually commit to anything. Yeh that’s a hard no. You’re wasting your time with this dingleberry. Save your laughs, love and everything in between for someone that it will be reciprocal with. Go ahead and tell him this was fun you were fun aight I’m out buh bye!
Believe what he says. You can definitely be into someone and never want commitment. You just are not into them for long term. Keeping options open. Look at the track record. You could just relax about it and wait and see because you will probably find out soon why the relationships he has fizzle out. The most obvious reason being he does not want the relationships to last because he fears commitment. I would also be curious what made the six month relationship toxic?
It’s been six months and he’s saying no to commitment. This conversation should’ve been talked about months ago. He’s not going to be able to give you what you want so you have to decide if that’s okay for you moving forward or if it’s best to find someone who can.
Sounds like he likes you but wants to keep his options open.
It is indeed something he needs to work on. At least he knows that. Ask him what steps is he taking to work on it. Therapy to sort through the commitment issues should be option 1. He can call his doctor first thing Monday for a referral if he has HMO insurance. If he is not willing to put the effort in and just expects you to wait around for him to feel ready, it’s time to walk way. There is nothing you can do to change his mind. He has to do that on his own.
Sorry but there is a reason he is 27 years old and his longest and only relationship was only 6 months with a bunch of other flings and hook ups thrown in there.
I don’t know, maybe as he says he is the problem but this reason would not be good enough for me or fulfill my needs. I want to feel wanted and this situation would make me feel the opposite – like a convenience while he’s waiting for someone better to come along.
He doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you. You need to end it now. He’s not going to change his mind since you are still there giving him all of the benefits. You need to walk away. And then MAYBE he will see the light. And if he comes back, only take him back if he says he wants a relationship with you.
God I’d love to find this bestie relationship and put the anchor down for good, relax and enjoy every part of life together
He might be into you but I sense some avoidant attachment style, always keeping you at arm’s length. What you need to do is take a step back, contact him a little less ( not cut all contact ) and see if he steps up. This is to gauge his actual interest in you
You are basically giving him everything he wants for free just because ‘it is such a nice feeling’. He doesn’t want a relationship. End of story.
That’s very selfish of him to keep you as girlfriend but without any commitment. Like you are a thing he can make a reservation for. Lol no, you are valuable person. You deserve someone who wants to be with you on 100%.
He has some issues and he is using you. Does he like you? Yes as a hot useful tool for sex and emotional support. Does he love you? Probably not.
You can’t fix him. That’s on him. And he hasn’t worked much during your relationship…or not-relationship. I recommend to choose yourself and your self-respect. You deserve better than crumbs.
You can really be into someone and still be afraid of commitment. Then, it can be that one person is unable to fix this issue. Usually, if there is a chance they can overcome it, you’ll see them trying to be uncomfortably committed after a short while (6 months should be enough). Maybe it’s just me but I wasted years waiting for a man to commit. Did he love me? I KNOW he did. But did he have serious baggage that prevented him from enjoying our connection properly? He also did. See, there are some people that never manage to overcome a past relationship trauma and settle for half-relationships forever. Thinking that love would be enough to fix it is a mistake and can lead to one waiting forever for someone to commit provided they can somehow express their strong feelings.
Imo if he isnt actively doing something to address his issue with commitment i.e. therapy, then there is a possibility that he is just leading you on. Proceed with caution.