When we first got together, we hung out exclusively in group settings. There were no indicators that we were dating other than sparingly holding hands and other mild romantic gestures (we are both celibate so sex is not in the question fyi). He would come over every day, but never initiated anything more (eg outings or dates or activities), he kind of just tagged along on whatever my friends and I were doing. Over text he was a little bit more flirtatious, but irl he was very nonchalant and completely indifferent to my existence.
I would often tell him that I don’t feel he likes me and that if that’s the case he should leave me be, and to my surprise he always made it seem like losing me would be catastrophic when I would never ever see that in our day to day interactions. Again, it wasn’t like I was giving him mindblowing sex either so there was no reason for him to fight that hard whenever I’d tell him he doesn’t seem interested and we should end it.
Anyways, fast forward 3 years and the pattern of behaviour is more or less the same- impartial day by day but during arguments he will get emotional and for a day or two after make me feel like the most special girl in the world. It’s not to say the relationship is completely dry or he does nothing for me, he’s very physically affectionate which he says is his love language, and he will also perform these little acts of service aallll the time (eg get me something from the shops, wash my dishes) but nothing that screams love and affection.
Also, I thought he was this really shy introvert because we never spoke much, but then he made friends and became a very outgoing bubbly guy with them. He says he’s his truest self with me, and he puts on this facade to seem more likeable to his friends but I wonder why he didn’t put the same effort into me when we first met.
He also never ever gets jealous. Its gotten to the point where my male friends make lewd remarks and are very touchy with me in front of him because they know he won’t care. He’ll scream something like “stop” but in like a jokey way and everyone just laughs but it makes me feel so undervalued that a guy can speak to me like that while he’s there.
Idk if this is relevant but, for the first two years of our relationship I would include him in everything with friends . It may have been unhealthy and codependent, but he didn’t have any and I didn’t feel good being out and about all the time while he sits alone in his room. However, late last year the dynamic shifted- I was closed off and he made friends who he would go out everywhere with but I was never invited, like never, even tho two of them were in our friend group last year. It was actually one of them who introduced me to the rest of his group. I wouldnt see him for days because he’d be having the time of his life seeing new places and I’d just be in my room- is it wrong for me to be hurt about this? He has the right to make his own friends so i never voiced it but the discrepancy in how I dealt with his loneliness vs his mine just feels wrong. I dont want to be in his friend group, but him at least introducing them to me and inviting me out once or twice would have meant a lot. Thankfully my situation changed and I ended up with amazing friends, while his group decayed. I still involved him with my new friends though.
I do love him, but I think he keeps me around for company. I think he thinks that he loves me, but if that were true surely I would feel it way more? I don’t know what people mean when they say they feel sparks and butterflies, if anything I feel like I’m boring with him. All my friends make me feel funny and likeable but he makes me feel dull and uninteresting.
He’s a good guy, an amazing one even. I think if I could pin all this to one trait of his it would be his passivity, but can you be this passive if you’re really in love? Does anyone have similar experiences they can share? I don’t want to lose out on an amazing future with a great husband because of silly reasons. I know he is reliable and caring, he just doesn’t show it. I struggle to believe I’ll come across a guy this great again.
TLDR: my bf of 3 years is extremely nonchalant and I don’t feel loved or special with him, but he’s also a really good guy with good values.
1 comment
I mean, love means different things. The passionate love of butterflies and being obsessive is usually new relationship energy, or anxiety/fear of abandonment being mistaken for love. Hence why you see him put more effort in when you provoke him; that effort though isn’t really love, it’s you fucking with one of the most primal triggers that we humans have available. This is also part of the landscape of emotional abuse, fucking with their triggers to enforce compliant behaviour/soothe your own feelings.
On the other hand, mature/stable/years long love is more calm, passive, relaxed. Thinking about your partner should fill you with a warm feeling, you feel safe and secure with them, you can tell them anything and everything on your mind. You don’t have to think about them obsessively all the time, you’re free to go and do your thing in the world because you know they’ll be there for you at the end of the day. You don’t need shallow displays of affection (jealousy, provocations, etc) to prove their love, because you trust them so much that you know they have it even when it’s not being displayed at the moment.
My current partner is like the latter. Sometimes it’s hard for me, because I have trauma brain that makes me crave/infatuated/drawn to the former kind of love, the one with drama, wounding, ups and downs, large gestures and bitter fights, etc. I’ve spent enough time pursuing that kind of love though to know that it fucking destroys me, because it triggers me and brings out the worst in me, even if it does provoke those deep displays of affection that you seem to think demonstrates love. It hurts though, makes me depressed, anxious, and depleted. I also know the games really well, so when someone does it for a prolonged period of time I start playing back. Hard. Would you like it if your boyfriend started provoking you to show your loyalty/love? How would that arms race cease? What’s the boundary between when it’s safe and consensual and when it gets out of hand?
Honestly, at this point, if I’m dating someone like you, you usually weed yourself out. If you cause me drama, I’ll calm it down, wait a bit, then make a bid to communicate/discuss the issue and have it out plainly. If you refuse to communicate/keep doing stupid things/lie to me or gaslight me, then I start distancing myself or cut you off. If you try to come back later, I serve you your leftovers; I bring back up the unresolved issue right where we left it. Trying to actually play along is just that to me; I have to put on an act like I don’t know what you’re doing and like I don’t think it’s super fucked up and profoundly traumatizing to me. It’s exhausting and fucking ridiculous.
So, wall of text, tldr: what do you think love is? What do you want out of a loving relationship? Can you communicate your needs effectively? Your boyfriend should answer the same questions. *Are your needs/abilities compatible and if not what are you doing together?* I’m not going to say either of you are wrong or right, because everyone is entitled to seek for what they want. I will say, though, that provoking fights or trying to use jealousy as a barometer of love is to me really sick and twisted. Your partner has shown you the deepest, most abiding sort of trust, that you can handle yourself with other people and that he feels a quiet calm and security with you, and you’re trying to get him… to not feel that way? To be anxious and fearful of you abandoning him? Iunno, not my cup of tea friend.