Hi all! I’m using a throwaway account because my partner knows my main. I tend to provide a lot of detail so I apologize. Here’s a short version:
**TLDR: Bought my partner a sex toy after going through the whole process of deciding which one to get and what attachments to get together. She hasn’t used it since it came in more than a month ago and I feel a little resentment.**
A little background context: My partner (F25) and I (M26) have been together for about 3.5 years. We weren’t always sexually compatible but we love each other and we’ve learned to have an amazing time together, and we’re still continuing to grow past previous traumas and learn our bodies individually and together. I have usually had a higher libido and am more adventurous/experimental and she’s typically had lower libido (though recently it’s been changing recently). She has also experienced SA before both with a relative and an ex, which kinda led her to have a fear of penises; it’s something that we’ve acknowledged and worked through since the beginning, and she’s/we’ve made so much progress to the point that it doesn’t get in the way of our experience much at all.
I (M26) bought my partner (F25) a sex toy about a month ago. It was something we had talked about during the months leading up to it. It was something she was interested in as she was getting over her fear of penises, but she would say she’d be too shy to buy it herself but would love for me to buy one for her. Because I was originally supposed to leave for a 6-month research abroad trip to another country, I thought it was the perfect time to do so!
So I talked to my partner about what she would be looking for and we did some research together (which was very fun!). Then, I talked to some of my vagina-having friends who have experience buying sex toys and talked to them about my partner’s preferences. Then I went back to my partner to discuss the options and we shopped together for a really great sex toy (the LeWand Petit, if you’re curious) and some attachments. I know she’s still exploring sex and so I wanted to make sure she was comfortable and checked with her every step of the way. We were excited and we were open to using it together but we both thought it would be good for her to explore it herself first before bringing it to the us experience. It’s also worth mentioning that I’m a student and this was a big investment for me.
The sex toy arrived a bit more than a month ago, and we opened it together. Despite my own excitement for her to explore it, I knew I had to stay out of the way for her comfort, so I did. But at the same time, I had the excitement/anxiety anyone who gave a cool, not cheap gift would have, and so I did check with her 1-2 times to see if she had used it yet just because I wanted to see if she enjoyed it. She hadn’t and it doesn’t seem like she has any plans to. When I go over to her place, I just see it in its bag, same as the day it came in.
When I asked about it one time, she said that because my trip got postponed to a later date, she doesn’t need it; I told her that she could/should still use it, because it might be a different experience and it was never meant to replace me, it just adds to things or provides another form of release. Recently, she was feeling really horny but I was going through some stress and wasn’t in the mood, and I told her it might be a good time to try to the toy, but she said, why use the toy when the real dick is right here? She was joking, but I think part of her actually believes that. Another time, we just finished but she hadn’t came yet and she reached for the toy but didn’t realize it took some assembly and lube (and she had accidentally thrown away the lube I gave her). She hasn’t bought any lube on her own since.
At this point, I’m starting to feel a little resentment. Some of that comes from the fact that it was not a small cost to me and we had talked about it together the whole way though. I wouldn’t mind if it got some use, but it feels like I spent that money for nothing. Another part comes from an old worry of sexual incompatibility, that maybe she doesn’t really care about this stuff. Another part comes from the fact that I was looking forward to using the toy on her too and just have it join us in the bedroom.
What do I do? What’s the healthy approach to this? I feel like at the moment, I don’t have an approach to talking to her that won’t make her feel unwanted pressure to use the toy (she’s experience a lot of unwanted sexual pressure in the past and I don’t want to trigger her). Is there something I may not be understanding? Any help or perspective would be appreciated.
4 comments
My partner took years to get on my level with sex. Trauma (we both had it but mine presented differently) sex drive, experience and even different kinks etc.
It takes time. We got there. She’s way more frequent and exploring, I’m more confident and able to orgasm. Our sex lives now are like nothing I ever thought possible with literally anyone. It shouldn’t even be right for sex to be this good.
I’ve been where you are with discussion and toys etc that never got used. They do now! Lots of open conversations with each other and compromise etc.
Maybe with not going away it’s time to explore using the toy together!
Slowly, you’re a loving partner. That shows strongly. You guys will get there 🙂
I’d leave her with it and not bring it up much. She’ll use it when she wants to. Because the reality is, you only really want her to use it when she’s actually into using it. Otherwise, she won’t get much pleasure out of it anyway.
I’m sex positive, have always been, bought my own (expensive!) vibrating toy when I became sexually active and then… didn’t use it with any regularity for several years. If I felt like my boyfriend was pressuring me to use it, I would have probably used it less. Now, I easily have thousands of dollars worth of toys. Sometimes, it takes time.
I hear what you’re saying about expensive, but I wouldn’t dwell on it much. Don’t buy more toys, certainly. But as it is, she thought she would like something, and maybe she isn’t that into it this moment, finally. Disappointing for sure, but it happens with all kinds of things, not just sex toys.
I will say, she has shown interest in using it after piv sex. If it were me trying to get my partner on board, I’d keep it near, I’d buy some lube, and I’d offer to use it on my partner whenever I thought they might like it. No pressure, but the same way I might offer a blowjob if I thought he would want one too. It’s a wand right? You can also use it as a massager to ease her into it. Just don’t expect that she uses it because you bought it for her. You want that to come from her.
You put time, effort and money into this gift. And she seemed to be on board with it. But the only way you know for sure is when you actually buy it. It is a tough pill to swallow when her real life response doesn’t meet your expectations. Nobody’s fault. You tried your best and there was no other way to find out. When something like that happens, I find the best thing to do is take solace in the fact that I gave it my best shot. At this point, I would probably buy some replacement lube and gently tell her that it is with the toy if she decides to use it. Maybe you need to ask her if it is ok first to buy some lube in case she decides to use the toy. Then I’d let time determine what happens. It is possible she needs time and the right circumstances to try it.
It’s a tough spot, and I can relate in some ways. My partner survived SA and grew up in a very sex-shaming household. It took her a long time to open up but we worked a lot and now have an amazing sex life. We’re doing things I literally only dreamed of a few years ago…even a few months ago.
It takes time…that’s not what one wants to hear but if it’s someone you care about, you just have to be patient.
Aside from that, one thing I’ll steal from the Sex With Emily podcast is nailing your 3 Ts around sexual conversations with your partner…timing, tone, and turf. For any couple, but especially with a less sexually comfortable partner, you can’t bring it up at times when you’re frustrated, you can’t have an accusatory tone, and you can’t do it while you’re physically in the bedroom or laying somewhere together. Instead try having honest sexual conversations out on a date, with a light and genuinely inquisitive/curious tone, and when you both are in happy moods. Believe me you’ll be shocked at how much more progress you can make in conversations like that.
Sounds like she might be defensive or feel accused or feel pressure, which only worsens things. Try thinking about the 3 Ts and I think you’ll learn more about this specific topic and why she hasn’t used it.
And again, be patient if you truly feel like you love this person, and feel like it’s worth it for them to take a little longer. Good luck!