Long-time lurker here looking for some advice. My boyfriend (34/m) and I (33/f) have been together a little under a year, this is our first Valentine’s Day together but he forgot about it and didn’t have anything planned.
That wouldn’t be a huge deal to me usually, but he’s already been pretty bad about forgetting stuff. He completely forgot about my birthday last year as well. When that happened, I got upset and explained to him that holidays do matter to me and he swore up and down it wouldn’t happen again. While not a birthday, missing Valentine’s Day completely feels like nothing registered there. And we didn’t talk in advance about Valentines Day—we didn’t agree mutually not to celebrate it, or anything like that.
Separate from this, this past weekend we were in bed together after just having sex and he started talking about how happy he is, but how since we’ve started dating, his life has gotten boring. I’m very career driven and focused on saving to buy a house; since Covid, I don’t go out to bars anymore (I’m sober), I really just prioritize a few close friendships, and I like to do simple stuff when we are together, like cook, go on hikes, watch movies, etc.
His past is different: He used to go to bars a lot, plays and toured with a band, and dated a lot of women, several of whom had major substance issues (one died related to an overdose). Since we started dating, he’s been sober and he doesn’t hang out with the same bar crew he used to—I didn’t force or ask him, he just chose to.
Anyway, he said he’s boring now because I’m boring, and directly referred to me as “boring.” He quickly apologized when I got upset—we had just had sex and I was still undressed when he made this comment—and explained that he “meant it in a good way,” but I didn’t take it as such. I ended up going home the next day (we are long distance and only can see each other on the weekends), but now I’m here, stewing in my thoughts—and thinking about how he forgot Valentine’s Day on top of this—and thinking of breaking up with him.
Also will add: He says I love you, has made remarks about getting married and having a family, and wants us to move in together. I make a lot more money than he does and recently loaned him $300 to get a car repair done (which he still has yet to do) and despite all the good, sweet stuff he says, am starting to feel like actions do not align and it might be time to end things. Any advice/perspective would be welcome.
EDIT TO ADD: So he needed the extra help financially was he just went back to college but there was an issue with the bursar’s office and he had to pay his whole bill for the semester immediately instead of in payments like he planned. One of the other things he’s done since we got together was decide to finish his bachelors; he’s currently looking at masters programs, which is great. Initially, he turned me down for the money a couple of times. I’m not fully holding that against him—more the fact that he hasn’t done it yet—and it’s more about the other stuff with me right now.
Also, he has had issues with substance abuse in his past and is newly sober; I didn’t cancel him out for that because I’m a recovering alcoholic (sober a few years now) and felt the idea of dating someone who understood addiction in a similar way could be worth pursuing. Together, we do avoid each other’s addictions and are encouraging of each other’s sobriety. I was sober a year and a half when I met him; he really only got serious about it once we got together, and that does bother me. He is not the source of my sobriety (which I feel very centered and calm in), but I fear it’s too soon for him and I don’t want to be seen as the reason he is sober.
37 comments
Sorry hun, but sounds like you have yourself a LOSER. Run.
All that matters is that you’re unhappy and attempts to make things better have failed. Personally, I would leave.
I hate to say it, but I’m seeing a lot of red flags here.
You made it clear that holidays are important to you, and he obviously didn’t pay attention. My exhusband would do this and it hurt every single time. It is not fair to you.
He called your relationship boring. That’s offensive and upsetting.
You loaned him money to fix his car and he didn’t get it fixed. I dated a guy who did this (but with a bill that was due), and I noped right out of there after that.
I’m so sorry that he’s so clueless. Honestly I would dump him, live your life for you, and find someone who listens and makes you happy.
Unless he has no work colleagues, never reads any news or absorbed a single scrap of media over the last month it’s impossible to forget about valentine’s, he just didn’t bother his arse doing anything…. Even call of duty it’s raining hearts from the sky instead of snow !!!
Tbh I could interpret the “boring” remark in a number of ways, including, oddly enough, as complimentary (esp since you said it started with him saying he was happy, and it sounds like there were some real lows/consequences in his past to his more “wild and crazy” days). But I think the bigger issue here is just that you seem like you’re at a different level in terms of outlook, goals, responsibility, etc. it sounds like he is not the type who is good at remembering holidays and he is just not as driven and financially responsible as you are.
The question is, if he genuinely loves you but isn’t on your same level when it comes to those things, will you be able to live with it? To me it sounds like the answer is “no” given how you are talking in your post. Stability and dependability are big things for me, so I get why you have reservations.
Ugh look I know reddit jumps to ‘break up’ a lot, but honestly a lot of this doesn’t sit right with me.
* Mismatch on values re birthdays and valentines, after you’ve clearly communicated it’s important to you. Yes, you could have reminded him/talked about plans before the day (and maybe remember that for your next relationship) but he also should have set a reminder if he knows he’s a forgetful person.
* More importantly, him changing his entire lifestyle in less than a year to match yours… Whether you asked him to or not, that feels like a lot. Especially with referring to it as a ‘boring’ lifestyle. I would be wondering if he’s suddenly decided he needs to “settle down and get his shit together” and he’s using you (maybe unintentionally – not saying he’s necessarily a bad person!) to learn what being “settled” is like.
* Loaned money not immediately being used for that purpose should always be a huge red flag, imho. If he didn’t need it right then, then he had time to save his own money/borrow less.
I was like “alright…maybe..” until you got to the part where he’s 34 and can’t handle a simple car repair.
The minute he diminished your character, is the moment you need to choose to let him go. He’s telling you exactly how he feels about you.. not just with words but with his actions.
He’s never going to change. So ask yourself if you can live with him forgetting things and saying insensitive shit.
Seems like a fun guy but does he compliment/balance you or kinda drag you down?
this guy sounds like a loser and not worth your time. let him be free so he can go date more exciting drug abusing girls. you didn’t loan that $300, you gave him $300, dump him so that doesn’t become a trend.
In the future, since this sounds like your first valentines with this guy, the next time you’re approaching a “first” important thing (birthday, valentines, any other holiday) you need to bring it up, because there’s way too much variability in how people celebrate things and the last thing a relationship needs is you being angry about a need you haven’t expressed. So you simply say, “hey valentine’s is coming up. i like to celebrate this holiday. it doesn’t have to be anything big, but I like that it’s a good time to show each other that we care about each other, so I would like to do something for it.” Then see how they respond.
To me, moving in together is a step closer to marriage—and marriage doesn’t fix things (see any one of the examples you’ve cited in your post), marriage *amplifies* issues.
Frankly, I think it’d be a foolish decision to move in with him at this point when there are multiple issues that concern you. The theme I see with the concerns you’ve mentioned is that he makes you feel insignificant—he forgot your birthday, he forgot that holidays are important to you, and he called you boring (even if he claims not to have meant it that way).
I do think you could have brought up the conversation to ask about what the two of you wanted to do for Valentine’s Day; however, the feeling of insignificance you’re experiencing trumps that.
By the sounds of it, I think you’d be happier single than to stay with someone who makes you feel this way.
Been there. Cut your losses. If he truly cared, he’d set reminders. And he’d ask you what he could use to be an acceptable synonym for “boring”. Like his life is “relaxed” or “cozy” now. Or even slower-paced.
It seems like he’s flaky. I’ve dated a flaky man and it killed me that I was more involved in the relationship than he was.
You sound exactly like me, so if you’re boring, I’m boring. I love being boring! It’s calm, it’s healthy, it leaves room for more good things in life.
If he doesn’t take his car in by, let’s say, Wednesday 5pm, get your $300 back and leave.
My ex once said I was “not even remotely punk rock” and I will never forget or forgive.
Yeah you lost me at the “I loaned him 300 bucks”. Time to say bye.
1. He didn’t forget about Valentine’s Day, he chose not to observe it. But, you should have talked to him about it specifically, not assuming the previous holiday talk would cover it.
2. The boring thing is a red flag, but could be forgiven. Ask him again what he meant by that.
3. Borrowing money and not using it for the intended purpose or paying it back is not something I would forgive.
>Anyway, he said he’s boring now because I’m boring, and directly referred to me as “boring.”
>I make a lot more money than he does and recently loaned him $300 to get a car repair done (which he still has yet to do)
In my experience, there’s a depressing amount of overlap in the Venn Diagram of “People Who Depend on Your Help” and “People Who Feel The Need to Take You Down a Peg.”
You’re not compatible, he will never be the guy who do things for holidays or birthdays and it will make you feel unloved. Add everything else you mentioned and it’s just a waste of time to stay with him. He basically just sleeps with you.
He is 34, he is not going to ‘glow up’or whatever any time soon. You will probably always have the pull weight with finances and do you really want to stick around to see if he ‘might’ remember your birthday next year? And you’re only a year in and already no valentines? Has he lost touch with all his guy friends because all guys know valentines they need to get their a$s to the shops and buy flowers and they complain to each other about having to buy flowers but they still do it
A birthday is almost easier to understand. You can’t go anywhere without hearing about Valentine’s Day. I think people show as much attention to their significant others as they want to. A relationship is a series of choices. If you don’t like the actions of your partner in year one, believe me they don’t get better. And if celebrations are important to you and not your partner-this will not change.
This guy sounds like a loser and a user who doesn’t like you very much but is putting up with you because you’re putting him on the straight and narrow.
If it’s like this now, do you really expect it to get anything but worse? Are you happy? I can’t imagine wanting to be with someone like this even if it meant being alone.
I wish you the best and I hope that you know that there are people who would be so thrilled to be with someone who has their life together. Someone who appreciates and celebrates their partner. This guy can’t even do the bare minimum and handle a simple car repair and he has the audacity to make you feel bad about yourself. Big nope from me.
Edit: just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. I almost dated a guy like this. Except he was dumb enough to warn me of everything that you just described prior to us getting together.
He had a history of abusing drugs and alcohol and still used alcohol excessively. Anything that he cared about was cool and important and everything else was a nuisance and boring and he bitched about it or didn’t talk to me for periods until important event was over.
Excellent sweet talker though. Could make you feel so understood but absolutely selfish flake who expected me to get his life in order.
Actions and words don’t meet = 🚩🚩🚩
He also directed you as “boring” while you were in a vulnerable state (naked and post-sex) AND he’s BLAMING you for making his life boring.
I’m all for working your relationship out, finding couples therapy, etc. But this relationship is not good for your health.
It sounds like he doesn’t know how to have a personality or fun.. without the cover of booze. It’s really not fair of him to say that to you, and I don’t think someone could ever mean to call a persons boring “in a good way”
Nope hard nope.
Get out before it gets any worse a 34 yr old who cannot handle his shit is plain irresponsible and reflects how he doesn’t give a shit to remember something as important as your BIRTHDAY! I wouldn’t have stayed after that, birthdays are 1000 times more important than a dammn V’day.
This made me think. While each individual component may not be a deal breaker and may be understandable in a certain light, everything together is painting an overall poor picture.
The fact that he already missed your birthday and you had this discussion means he should have at least brought up Valentine’s Day and opened up a conversation about it.
A lot of people get more “boring” as they get older if it’s in comparison to crazy antics in the 20’s. My bf used to travel the world and had a couple different bands he played in. We live a much simpler life now with our dog and he occasionally jokes about being boring, but it’s never in a hurtful or targeted way.
Financially, while a lot of couples can have significant differences in their finances, borrowing money then not even pursuing the repair it was for doesn’t sit right. Do you think he could be using you as a financial safety net?
This is easy. You are with the wrong guy. You are an achiever and a goal oriented person. You are more thoughtful and inwardly thinking. I am very similar to you in personality and I would never forget your birthday or holidays like Valentine’s Day because I am a pleaser and want my lady to know I think of her. Also, I am not gonna lie to you and I said wtf when a grown man has to borrow $300 to fix his car. But, I am goal oriented like you and would have a lifestyle that would support whatever money I brought in and wouldn’t need to borrow from others. I can imagine as time goes by and the stakes go up you will start to if not already become progressively more resentful of him. There is a lady out there for him but before you get in too deep I would really think hard and consider getting with a man who is way more goal oriented like you and appreciates a more “boring” lifestyle.
Like everyone else on here has already said, I believe you are correct in saying it is time to end things.
You don’t have to justify your decisions.
But for what it’s worth, I wanted to share that I think doing so is the right call for a couple of reasons:
1. Actions speak louder than words.
You have communicated to him that there is a problem. He has agreed to fix it. However, his actions don’t match his words. A lot of time has passed and there has been no change
2. Mismatched ideals
You have certain perspectives on holidays and money that he does not share. This is not impossible to overcome, but it is clearly causing a lot of frustration for you and problems in your relationship. You deserve a healthy relationship in which you are equally yoked. Someone who is healthy would not insult you and make poor use of the money lent to them.
Just my thoughts. But it sounds like you just needed some reassurance that you were making the right call to end things and I believe you are
Forgot your birthday last year, forgot Valentine’s Day and called you boring right after having sex. Had to loan him $300 to repair his car which he didn’t even do. This guy must be absolutely incredible in bed…
You deserve better.
My partner and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s. I still drove to their place at lunchtime to drop off a small chocolate and a bag of sour candy on their kitchen table so they’ll see it when they get home.
Birthdays can’t be forgotten in the modern era. It goes in your phone, it’s a recurring event, done forever. New phone who dis? Synced and there’s the birthday again.
> loaned him $300 to get a car repair done which he still has yet to do
> major substance issues
The sum of these two comments adds up in an unfavorable way.
Honestly from my experience once you’ve started thinking about leaving it never gets any better. Too many people entertain the thought for years while still clinging to the relationship, just wasting time holding onto something they already know isn’t for them. If you don’t feel in it anymore, then just cut it loose. Yes, it is hard. But ultimately less hard than it would be if you sunk another 3 years into it.
That’s BS. He didn’t forget, he just didn’t want to put the effort in to planning something and/or spend the money. This applies to your birthday too. Sounds like he cares more about himself than he does about your relationship.
Sorry but forgetting birthday is dealbreaker. Then valentines to boot… he doesn’t care about you at all. 1 year in and he doesn’t get it still? Bye
There are so many red flags here it looks like a one-country UN convention. Forgetting birthdays, Valentine’s Day, asking to borrow money. The loan part is concerning, needed money for repairs but didn’t get the repair done? I would be weary of him possibly having substance issues, and he is hiding them from you (just an assumption). I don’t think he is invested in this relationship, and it’s very one-sided. You communicated your concerns, he has made no effort to change or even acknowledge the situation, and it’s time to move on. You’re young; find someone better.
Never trust a guy in a band.
Oof so about not celebrating Valentine’s, it’s something that could be talked through and find a middle ground.
The boring comment, I’d red flag it because I’ve dealt with people who want to slowly bring you down with those seemingly tone deaf, “didn’t mean it that way” comments and I’m not going throgh that ever again lol
The mother of all red flags though is the fact you loaned him money and he didn’t even use said money for the purpose he said he would. That’s quite worrying and makes me thing he’s using you tbh
I’ll be honest, you two don’t sound like you guys *vibe* with each other very well. You’re not quite on the same page regarding many, many things. Keep this going and it’ll just lead to resentment.
Hmmm, be careful. Seems like you’re his becoming his bangmaid (if you’re not already). Are you OK with that? Also, if he called you boring but didn’t mean it in a bad way… yeah, no. He used that choice word for a reason unless he has the emotional maturity of a turtle. This seems like a very subtle form of intentional gaslighting.
The fact that he forgot your birthday and Valentine’s day shows he doesn’t prioritize you. Why? You already told him once before that holidays and birthdays matter to you: that should have been enough motivation to plan something for you ahead of time, even something as simple as getting you a card. Don’t make excuses for his shitty behavior. I had an ex who didn’t care to celebrate birthdays or holidays. However, those two things are important to me and he knew it. What did he do? He put my birthday on his calendar as a recurring event, scheduling a reminder about a week before so he would not forget. He set reminders before the holidays that mattered to me in order to make sure he didn’t forget these either and give him enough time to plan for it. Trust me: when a man wants to make you happy, nothing will stop that from happening. They will find a way. Remember, love is an action, not just a verb.
And regarding him wanting to eventually get married: that doesn’t really mean shit, honey. There was a sad Twitter thread that went viral recently where a bunch of men pretty much admitted they married their wives because they were there, not necessarily because they were the love of their lives. Usually the love of their life was the one who got away, so they married the second best option who happened to be available at the time. This way the men got a free therapist/bangmaid /housekeeper/mother of their children to spread their seed all in one. How utterly pathetic and unfair to these women. You already loaned him money so in addition to sex, he knows he can also rely on you for quick /easy cash, too.
Trust your gut and don’t stay with him just bc it’s comfortable for you and you love him. Why waste your time and energy on a man who is so low effort with things that are important to you? Sometimes communication isn’t the only way to resolve problems. It is unacceptable to repeat yourself over and over to a grown ass adult about things that matter to you. Do yourself a favor and put YOURSELF first. Dump this man, who obviously could not be bothered to remember your birthday and Valentine’s day. I’m pretty sure these are not the only issues you have with him, so really think hard about whether or not he’s worth your peace and happiness. Once I started dumping /cutting men off at the first appearance of a red flag, I’ve been much happier! It’s been my experience that those little red flags I let slide early on in the relationship became the reasons why the relationship would end: The red flags just snowballed. Don’t let that happen to you. Cut him loose now and be much happier in the long term. Good luck to you! You DO matter and the right person for you won’t find you boring, much less tell you something so cruel and thoughtless.