What’s your stance on independence within a relationship and how do you live by that?

7 comments

1. You both need it. Been with my partner 15 years, we’ve never argued and I believe that’s because we don’t try and control each other.
   He goes out 2 x a week to play sport and once at weekend, then he has a beer with the boys.

   We do 1 holiday together and 1 solo during a year.

   We live together, we spend time walking the dogs, snuggling up, having fun. But just because we are in a relationship doesn’t mean we need to be up each others butt’s 24/7.

2. Independence to me is being able to cope if the other person isn’t around. You’re not so dependent on them that it falls apart if they’re away. It doesn’t necessarily mean you have to spend regular time apart. I think every couple has different preferences about time spent apart versus together, and just because you spend time apart doesn’t mean you’re “independent” imo.

   That’s because independence isn’t only physical distance. It’s having mental independence, having your own opinions and viewpoints on things. It’s having your own goals and desires that may or may not be connected to your partner, but don’t rely on them. It’s being emotionally stable, happy and thriving even without them.

   There’s people I see who are like “oh we’re so independent, he goes to see his friends all the time”. But it’s your attitude to that time apart that is true independence. If when they’re out, all you do is pine after them, you get upset that they’re away, that’s not independence.

3. Independence in a relationship is the only way to keep that relationship healthy and alive. I will die by that statement.

   My current relationship, he likes to fish and play video games, I like video games and art. Thankfully we have at least one common video game we play together, and we do often, but if he wants time to play with his friends, or on his Friday night fishing trip which can easily extend into the weekend, I try not to bother him too much because I know he works just as hard if not harder than I do.

   I would absolutely lose my sanity if I didn’t have my independence and time to myself, I wouldn’t want to put that on somebody else either.
   It’s a little trickier being that ours is long distance, so I always want to text him and call him but I know when he has time he does, and he regularly makes time for me where it doesn’t exist. When I get lonely or sad that I haven’t heard from him in a span of several hours or barely in that day I have to remind myself of that.

4. Im working hard to have the financial independence, when I finally reach it I wont compromise it ever. Likewise I would never ask the other person to compromise their career for me. Communication is the key, but it can be balanced if both sides want it.

5. Independence is hugely important. It’s what makes one not lose themselves to someone else. Independence in a relationship lets you feel like your own person still and that you have your own life to live as well, whether that’s with or without them.

   Remember Venn diagrams? That’s how I like to imagine a relationship in regards to independence. You have your own life and independence which is your circle. Your partner has their own circle. Then that area in the middle where your circles overlap, that’s your lives together, your dependence on each other.

   Independence can vary and so can dependency. Say I’m normally financially independent, that’s in the job part of my “circle”. Then I lose my job and have to ask my partner for help, that just means I put that into the “shared circle”.

   If I feel I’m relying on my partner too much with the sudden addition, I might change other parts like now that I’m not working I’ll take the cooking part in “our circle” and move it to mine for example, that way gaining back some independence and giving my partner some room for dependency as they are now occupied with more financial responsibility.

   Really it’s all about what you consider independence and what your partner considers it to be. Whether it’s finance, freedom to do what you want, freedom to be who you want, whether it’s freedom to make decisions, etc etc.

6. I would echo what others have said here than independence is absolutely vital to a healthy relationship and maintaining your own identity.

   Focusing on the second aspect of the question – we live by that by:

   Maintaining separate social circles – his friends are his, mine are mine. We don’t socialise together.

   We enjoy separate hobbies often in separate places.

   We don’t need to ask each other permission for anything or run plans by each other. If we have plans together, obviously we would both already know thar and not double book. If one of us has plans and the other one also makes plans… so what??

   We don’t have joint finances. We split everything exactly 50/50 (even though we earn different incomes) and just give money to each other to cover bills or whatever.

   We don’t expect the other person to do something just because we are – eg, if one of us is tired they go to bed and the other goes when they get tired too. Usually ends up around the same time on work nights anyway.

7. Been together for 20+yrs and we rarely argue. He does his own thing, I do mine. Then we do things together. He has hobbies outside me/our marriage as do I but then we also have hobbies together. We both support each other’s hobbies/passions, we give each other space but also spend time together.

   Marriage doesn’t mean dropping all of your friends/hobbies/goals etc and immersing yourself into each other. It doesn’t mean you have to stop having friends of the opposite sex. It doesn’t mean you have to hang out with each other’s friends. It doesn’t mean having the right to breach your partner’s privacy. It means supporting your partner and their own independence, individuality and goals. It is all about trust, compromise and communication and understanding that, while you may not agree with certain things they say or do, you support them.