I’m a 27F and he’s a 35M, we’ve been living together now for 5 years. I don’t want to nag him like a mom, but it’s constant. He leaves piles of things everywhere, and although it doesn’t bother him it bothers me. I don’t need everything spotless, but I prefer having things put away where they belong. When we’ve had conversations around this he says having stuff out makes it feel like a home and we live there rather than magazine images where it looks so pristine like it’s empty. Our apartment is by no means beautiful or magazine worthy, we still keep things out like the toaster etc., but when he leaves his clean laundry piles out for a week, recipts all over the table etc it bothers me. I leave him be for his desk in our shared office which I’d utter chaos, but I feel the shared spaces should at least be tidy where we feel good and them & I wouldn’t be embarrassed if someone came over unexpectedly. At this point I’d feel ashamed if someone came over for keeping an untidy house that I don’t even like. Every time I ask him even in a kind way such as “it would be a huge help if you could please take 10min. to put away things that are out” it’s like he gets so annoyed that I’m nagging even if it’s once a week. I explained I wouldn’t have to even ask/continue to if we kept things in order and tried to focus on I statements.
TLDR; my partner hates tidying up, I feel like I’m constantly the one having to organize the house. How do I get him to participate and help out??
3 comments
Tell him you’re not his mother and he needs to show you some respect. If it bothers you then it should mean something to him.
Blows my mind how I see these posts a couple times a week. Grown ups refusing to pull their weight around the house. You can’t make someone do something they have no interest in doing and you’ve discussed it multiple times. You’re asking yourself the wrong question. The question is, what are you going to do about the fact you’re living with a slob rather than keep banging your head against a brick wall
Firstly contributing equally to the upkeep of y’alls space isn’t “helping out”, it’s what he needs to do as an equal partner. I personally wouldn’t be with someone who doesn’t contribute equally to me. But since your not ready to leave yet. Id recommend telling him he needs to contribute more in this area and see what his solutions are. If he needs a list of what he needs to do and how often it needs to be done then do that. If you need to set reminders to text him and tell him to contribute then do that. If you go either of these routes make sure of give him slightly more work to do because you’ve become the manager of the house and he’s in a position that needs to be managed, instead of being an equal contributer. But be ready to leave him and make it clear that if something doesn’t change permanently then y’all might have to break up or live separately. Also if you communicating your needs is nagging then what are you supposed to do instead.