I (M29) would greatly appreciate hearing honest and non-filtered feedback on what I’m about to disclose.
I am autistic and have some germaphobic OCD tendencies that impact my life in certain areas. These areas are an inability to eat food that is shared with others, a need for my own personal bathroom to bathe in, and a strong opposition to putting anything in my mouth that is not food. I believe these to be considered mild tendencies since it really only affects these core areas which do not usually present a problem if I communicate them to others.
The last of those tendencies is where the oral sex becomes an issue. When I say it becomes an issue, I mean that I fear I won’t meet anyone who accepts me in a romantic sense because I’m not willing to provide/give oral sex. As a result, I don’t expect, or even want to receive oral sex, because I feel it is selfish to receive and not give.
This feeling comes from my research on the internet about whether or not it is okay to be not interested in oral sex. From what I’ve found and read, it appears that I would be a horrible person to not provide oral sex because I would be selfish and thinking only of myself. Having said that, I am also open to using fingers and toys to help stimulate my partner as I understand penis-in-vagina sex rarely brings a woman to climax.
I am open to discussing my personal boundaries and limitations as early as the first date. However, I don’t know if this conversation topic would be too much for such an early interaction. Regardless, I would feel okay having this discussion on the first date because I feel it is important to disclose important information early on so that others may make informed decisions. Also, I would not be upset if this turned out to be a dealbreaker for anyone and I would not judge or resent them for feeling that way.
TLDR: I may be overthinking the importance or necessity for oral sex due to possibly being overly considerate of other’s needs and desires. Does not wanting to give or receive oral sex make me a horrible person?
31 comments
No you’re not a horrible person if you don’t give oral sex. Some people don’t like giving or receiving oral sex for many reasons
You’re not a horrible person, and it’s completely okay! You just need to find someone who is okay not receiving oral sex, and those people do exist. I agree that telling them early is a good idea so that neither of you waste your time if it’s a dealbreaker. I wouldn’t necessarily say you need to tell them on the first date, but on the second or third would probably be good
First off it’s all about what you are comfortable doing. Anyone who forces you to so something you don’t want to, shouldn’t be your partner.
And every relationship is different. I love giving oral but my partner hates it so we don’t do it at all.
Relationships are about give and take.
Are you a horrible person? No. Everyone is entitled tot heir own limits.
That said, basic biology (the fact that most female genital nerves are in the clit, with exponentially fewer inside the vagina) means that most women have problems with (or simply cannot) orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Fingers are good, but I don’t know that I’ve ever met a woman who prefers a guy rubbing her clit to a guy who is good at giving oral.
So unless you have a partner who simply does not like receiving oral sex – and this is relatively rare – you are condemning her to an unsatisfactory sex life.
No-one should ever be forced to do something they do not wish to do, regardless of why they don’t want to do it.
Of course you’re not a horrible person, if you’re not into it, you’re simply not into it. It’s probably for the best to make that clear asap to any woman you might sleep with so there isn’t any confusion or pressuring later on. And well like you said, you still have sex toys and fingers to use so it’s not like your penis is the only thing you’re willing to offer and I think that’s more than enough to make a woman happy
In the long run it’s about what you’re comfortable doing, and matching that up with your partner’s desires. There are some women who don’t particularly care to give or oral sex, and there are some men who don’t particularly care to give or receive oral sex. The only problem is when those desires are incompatible between partners.
I think in the long run a lot of the other things that some autistic folks struggle with — “reading the room”, emotional affect — are behaviors that you may find to be bigger obstacles if you also struggle with them. Since sex is not just physical, but powerfully emotional, learning to manage the intense emotions people have around sex may be a bigger challenge for you romantically than any one specific sex act. But you have shown in this post that you’re committed to your partner’s pleasure which is really what it’s all about.
There’s a huge variety of ways to stimulate someone for pleasure, and as long as they’re open to exploring within your boundaries, I am sure you’ll be fine.
As long as you don’t expect the same in return, I’d say your fine
Communication is very important.
You need to find a compatible partner and manage expectations.
You don’t have to do anything you are not comfortable with. Having a fear a of performing oral sex does not make you a horrible person.
It would be selfish if you expected your partner to perform oral on you without reciprocating, which you seem to already realize.
So we have covered that you are not a horrible person. That stated, any potential partners would also not be horrible people for rejecting you based on this unwillingness to give oral.
If you outright say you don’t perform oral, on a first date, you are likely to scare off your date and that may not even be because of the fear of oral. You may scare her off by talking about intimate topics too soon. It may seem presumptive or out of the blue.
There are women who don’t enjoy receiving oral sex. I guess your best bet is to hold out for someone who doesn’t want it anyway.
As another autistic guy I can totally understand how some stuff that others find normal is a hard no for us. To me oral is fun and exciting. To you maybe not. You can find someone that will be okay without it or even not want it to begin with. My only two things are it will make it harder for you to find someone and also you should try it for at least 60 seconds if you have never before. The idea of it was gross to me at 14 but now at 24 I love it. I’ve also had things related to my autism that changed over the years or maybe like this I’ve found exceptions to that I would have never expected. So give it a try and if you hate it quit and never do it again. You will find someone. As for when to say it, I’d say second or third date unless sex comes up before then.
I feel like a lot of people in the comments arguing that women can only orgasm from oral sex or “fingers just arent enough” are forgetting that this is 2022 and we have vibrators.
OP youre not a horrible person, im autistic too but my oral stim needs go the opposite direction where not being able to *give* oral is a dealbreaker for me. My partner does not like to give oral, and our solution? Sex toys. Theres no shame in using whatever you have at your disposal to give your partner what they need without breaking your own boundaries.
I don’t think you’re a horrible person. The contexts of those posts is likely much different than yours for not desiring to do that. I suppose someone can just not like giving oral and not be a bad person either rather than more of an aversion like you.
However, if they don’t want to give oral.. I’d sure hope they are comfortable with their hands or having use of toys. If you were stating that AND said you don’t like use of toys.. then yeah you’re a shitty person denying your partner an orgasm.
I’m a women who could care less about a man giving me oral. I personally love to give oral , but I don’t expect it back.
I (32f) dont like to receive oral – but I like to give it.
And it isn’t all women who likes oral.
You just have to develop orher skills that give the woman pleasure. There are lots of ways, that aren’t oral.
There a passenger for every train. Find a person who is in agreement with you. No way you’re the only one.
When it comes to not giving oral it’s all what’s driving the reasoning. Some people are super shitty about WHY they won’t. That is very clearly not the case here. You have something that is preventing you that is genuinely out of your control. I would recommend establishing this boundary as soon as you’re comfortable that way nobody in the situation is led on or disappointed when things move along and it’s not what is expected. You’re not a bad person for this at all.
> From what I’ve found and read, it appears that I would be a horrible person to not provide oral sex because I would be selfish and thinking only of myself.
That’s because some people who like oral sex don’t consider that there are legit reasons for why someone would dislike oral sex and just assume it’s because of laziness/selfishness/problematic beliefs. Like others have said, you’re not a horrible person for just not wanting to give oral.
If your aversion to oral is purely a psychological issue, then you could try to get over it by seeing a therapist about it. Otherwise, you need to find a partner that doesn’t care about or even dislike oral sex.
I had a great sex life with a partner who never went down on me. There are other things to do! If you’re uncomfortable, then don’t do it! Maybe be intentional about exploring this boundary.
What is the aversion tied to? You said germophobia, but mouths certainly contain more germs and harmful bacteria than the clitoris. Would anything make you feel more comfortable (using a dental dam, showering first, etc.)?
If not, pleasure can be given in other creative ways. You’re open to toys and fingers, so it seems that you are fully capable of providing pleasure. There are many women who are averse to receiving oral sex, too! Myself included. You will find a match that has sexual chemistry, and who doesn’t have oral sex as a deal breaker.
I give oral sex to women on rare occasions when I really want to (usually when I am tipsy). I had a lot of partners in the past and never had a complaint regarding this, but in return I have never expected to receive blowjob, for me it is not important. If you look into statistic in r/sex everyone is a “pussy eater”, “the master of licking”, “addicted to pussy licking” etc etc, I am not so sure if it actually represents the majority outside of reddit, you shouldn’t be so concerned over this, a lot of people don’t like giving oral, and don’t expect it. Should you bring this topic up on the first meeting? Absolutely not necessary.
I’m a bit disappointed in the some of the back handed comments. You are neither a horrible person or destined to be lonely or a bad partner. What is important is that you seem to care about your partners pleasure and are willing to help her experience pleasure.
I’d argue that a guy who does that but has a boundary on preforming oral is much better than a guy who insists on performing oral for his own ego, not caring about his partners pleasure or needs. Plenty of women talk about men who go down on them, not listening to what they want or need, hell I’ve experienced it myself and I’m sure those men still pat themselves on the back even though they shouldn’t.
As long as you’re willing to be an attentive and accommodating partner you’ll find someone and your relationship will be fulfilling.
Nope! I’m a woman with sensory issues and I don’t like receiving oral. It doesn’t feel good to me, it doesn’t feel BAD but I really just don’t like it. I don’t like being fingered either and this website would lead me to believe that I’m wrong and broken… except I’m 39, have had plenty of partners, I’m very sexually comfortable (was a cam ho for many years lol) and I know exactly what I like and what I don’t.
Reddit really isn’t actually a good place for sex advice. This sub is slightly better than the stuff that makes it to the main page, but people still insist on misrepresentation of research they aren’t qualified to understand. This results in myths like the following being propagated:
“ I understand penis-in-vagina sex rarely brings a woman to climax.”
Wrong. *Penetration only* meaning *zero clitoral stimulation during the entire act* = 20% of women can orgasm (quite a large number! 1 in 5 need no clit stim during PIV!) Add in clitoral stimulation to the act of vaginal sex and the number increases from there to a majority being able to climax during PIV.
Anyway, you just need a partner who really doesn’t care about receiving oral. We exist! We exist.
Nah, I think the whole issue with ‘men not giving oral sex’ is actually more about the way those men don’t care about giving pleasure to their partners and will only do things that can get them off without reciprocating. As long as you make sure the woman you’re with can orgasm and she can have fun too I don’t think it matters that much, and some women aren’t even into oral anyway
Horrible person? No. But I won’t lie, it does make you a less desirable partner for most. Skipping oral in a hook-up situation is fine but in long term sexual relationships most people want oral. Key word – most.
Some people are neutral on it and there are people who actively dislike receiving it. They are the minority but they are certainly out there. If you accept this reality and are honest from the outset then someone like that might be ideal for you.
One caveat is that just because someone is averse to receiving doesn’t mean necessarily they don’t enjoy giving so such a partner may mean you need to get used to that imbalance, but if they’re having fun then what’s the harm?
Horrible person? Absolutely not.
Boring sexual partner that won’t be a good fit for many people? Possibly.
Some people don’t care about oral. Some outwardly dislike receiving it. There are absolutely people for you, you’re just going to be fishing from a smaller pool.
This is going to make you incompatible with some people but that’s fine.
No need to rush to the topic but you can also talk around the issue? I’m guessing you have a bit of a script for sharing how OCD impacts you. I’d probably just layer an additional comment in that talks around the issue. Something like, “I get queezy just watching people bite their nails”. You could probably make a crack about how you’ll sadly never be able to satisfy a woman who wants her “toesies sucked.”
As a bit of an aside, what about french kissing, kissing someone’s neck, or nibbling their ear, sucking on a nipple? Do these all trigger a similar response from you?
If they do, you will likely have comparability with many more people.
If you don’t then I think you have other ways to foster a feeling of connection.
The last thing I’d add if you haven’t had sex before, or very little, intense arousal dampens the disgust response. Essentially, stuff we’d hate unaroused all of a sudden seems like a swell idea. Even enticing. You might fall partially in that category.
Ideally, you find someone who has a similar preference to you. Or at least doesn’t give a shit if they receive oral or not. I’d stay away from anyone who really loves oral.
Not giving oral sex will be a deal breaker for some. Don’t worry though, there are many women who don’t like oral. You just have to find someone you’re sexually compatible with.
As a woman, I’d suggest you be upfront so the women you date don’t think it’s them.
Nope you are not horrible but oral sex is a deal breaker for lot of people.
So be clear about it when you start being sexual with a person and don’t upset if they decide to end things
If you explain your feelings as you did here it shouldn’t really be a problem. It’ll be a deal-breaker for some people, nothing either way for others, a plus for some.
The first date might be a bit early to mention it–sounds presumptuous–but definitely before you move to the bedroom. Hard to tell exactly when, but in the context of a safe sex conversation, which you would have when you both feel you might well want to have sex with each other, this would fit right in.
I completely understand your point of view and you’re not a horrible person for not wanting to give oral to someone. We all have hard limits and different reasons as to why we want or do not want to do certain things and that shouldn’t be a big deal really.
I know several people who doesn’t love oral sex but there are toys and fingers that can give equal amounts of pleasure.
Not a horrible person just not a very good lover