Status: 32 (M)

Or in other words: “How do I Avoid Screwing This Up?” Because the few times where it looks like I’m finally going out on my very first date, it ends up not happening.

For those of you who are familiar with me, I have Asperger’s Syndrome, and due to being very shy and living a sheltered life, I’ve never gone out on a date. Not for lack of trying though. But I’ve struggled for a long time, and recently asked for advice on here after feeling hopeless and jaded about dating for a long time, and a lot of the replies on here have been extremely helpful and gave me hope that I didn’t struggle through this alone, and that I wouldn’t be single for the foreseeable future.

I met this girl who was working at a hibachi/sushi place as I was waiting to pick up lunch yesterday. I was pretty much the only customer there, and we started chatting while I was waiting for my lunch. A voice in my head told me to ask her out for drinks or something, and she said yes, but suggested ice cream, which honestly caused me to really, really like her from that moment forward. During that spontaneous blur, I got her number, and she now has mine.

It was the last thing I was expecting, even as I walked through that door and saw her face.

In short, I like her, and I would say that she’s interested in me!

The caveat is that she works for 54 hours a week, and she says that finding time to spend time together may be difficult, but she also said that we will work it out.

I’ve already thought of the message I’m going to send her: “Hey, this is Joel from yesterday. Keep me in mind when you have some time off coming up. Do you have a favorite ice cream parlor?”

But, I want to avoid accidentally giving the impression of someone who is obsessed, which is how I think I messed up last time (she was leaving for college in a couple of months, and I really wanted to spend time getting to know her in the meantime. She always said that she was busy. We’re now on good terms somewhere between close acquaintances and friends however, which I can live with).

So when should I message her?

Is my message appropriate?

I assume that if she likes me, she’ll think of me just as much as I think of her, and try to find time to spend with me. Once I message her, should I wait for her to message me days that works for her, rather than reaching out to her every so often, such as once a week, so I can avoid crossing the line between thinking of her and obsessing over her?

I also have a bunch of other questions, regarding what I should wear, should I take breath mints, wear cologne, that sort of thing, but I find that it is less stressful for me if I take things one step at a time, rather than complicating things.

I’m most thankful for the advice that has been given to me on here thus far, and I anticipate some very helpful advice to come.

46 comments

  2. >I’ve already thought of the message I’m going to send her: “Hey, this is Joel from yesterday. Keep me in mind when you have some time off coming up. Do you have a favorite ice cream parlor?”

    You’re doing great so far but this is too passive. Try something instead like:

    “Hey this is Joel from the other day. Let me know the next time you have a free afternoon and we can get ice cream at: <look up good ice cream places in your area and suggest one>”

    This kind of puts the onus on her to check her schedule and get back to you.

  3. I think your message is sweet, but I might edit it just a bit – instead of saying “keep me in mind”, ask her directly when would be a good time for her to go out. I don’t think the next day is too soon to send that in this situation.

    Instead of asking her favorite ice cream parlor, maybe ask her favorite kind of ice cream. That’s a little more likely to spark conversation (unless you only want to text as a means for date planning).

  4. Be direct and just.ask her out. Let her choose the day and time.

    And in your case, if you already have something planned, cancel it and go get Ice Cream with her. Don’t over think it. Don’t put pressure on the situation. Go get ice cream, sit, talk, ask questions about her life, her childhood, her hobbies. If she hesitates to answer a question, pivot to something else.

  6. Message her today and be direct. This is what I would say…

    “Hi Sushi Lady! This is IDIC89 from yesterday. I’m free XXX afternoon, want to get ice cream at YYY.”

    If she accepts great. If she can’t, hopefully she will pick another time. If she gives a weak response (i.e. “too busy” with no alternative time), try to keep the text conversation alive for a few days and ask again. If you get another weak response, I would just end it.

  7. I would ask her what times she has free the coming week in the first text, if she just lets you know when she’s free you might not be, scheduling a bit in advance will make finding a time easier I’d think. As for when, I hear a lot of people say wait three days, but I think if you like the girl texting the next day is fine, and in this case the sooner you text her the easier it should be for you both to find a time to hang out. As for the other questions, I’m assuming you mean you’re going to ask those questions here, but in case not, *don’t ask the girl those questions, ask them here.* I’d always recommend breath mints, it can be hard to tell if you need one but if you have them and you have any doubt, just pop one in.

  8. It’s hard with our monotropic minds to calm that obsession, I’m a 46 year old autistic grandad and it still happens to me – just have to remember to tell it off every now and then.

    Your message, I’d probably say something like “hi, really enjoyed chatting the other day, let me know what days you’re free this week as I’d love to take you to <best ice cream shop in the locale>”

    I wear a nice cologne all the time because external smells can give me migraines, but one spray is usually enough, and on your chest not your neck. Breath mints will always help. Dress casual but comfortable.

  9. Step 1: Don’t make a big deal out of it. You seem to put yourself under quite a lot of pressure. Take it easy, otherwise, you will screw things up for sure.

    Step 2: Just message her to set up a date. No need to chitchat all day. Don’t set the date too far out in the future, otherwise the risk that she cancels on you increases. Text her now, and ask for a date in the next 1-3 days.

    That’s it.

    Have fun on the date 🙂

  10. First off, congratulations on getting her number! Hell yeah be excited!!! Then RELAX. She gave you her number. That means she is interested in getting to know you! For right now, keep your texts short, direct, and intentional. Do not just sit on that number and play games waiting around a few days to text or anything.

    >”Hey, this is Joel from yesterday. Keep me in mind when you have some time off coming up. Do you have a favorite ice cream parlor?”

    Instead:

    >”Hey, this is Joel. It was nice talking to you at (hibachi/sushi place) yesterday. Are you free for ice cream (you suggest date and time) at (you suggest a place)?”

    And leave it at that! If she’s not free then or doesn’t like that place, ask her when and where works for her.

    >I want to avoid accidentally giving the impression of someone who is obsessed

    It’s perfectly fine to be excited, but obsession comes from desperation. I know you’ve been waiting a long time but a bad match/relationship is worse than none at all. Take your time. Don’t send lots of long texts. Don’t multi-text or text her as soon as you wake up every day. Don’t get intense and emotional. Accept that this may very well not be the person for you. You said you’ve never been on a date. Remember that you’re not going on this date to get in a relationship. You’re going on this date to have fun and get to know each other. Ask questions, PAY ATTENTION, be ready to talk about yourself but remember she’s someone you’ve just met, not a therapist or a friend you’ve known for years. This stuff takes time. Be truly yourself, don’t try to rush things, see if she’s actually someone you enjoy being with and not just someone willing to date you, and have fun!

  11. Give her two suggestions of local favourites and a third of her own if she already has one in mind. Generally, keep first dates short and leave both parties wanting more on future dates if things pan out well.

    If things doesn’t end well, both will be spared the torment of terrible first dates by keeping it short. It’s up to your discretion how short you want ’em to be.

  13. I totally disagree with the people saying to name the time and place- she already said she works a ton, so I would feel like my explaining that was totally dismissed if the invite wasn’t open ended or at least acknowledging my busy schedule. OP, I think your text idea is great and I liked one of the earlier suggestions that still left it open – essentially asking if she is free this next week or whatever to get ice cream. Please disregard comments saying to name the time and place or ice cream or whatever (thus limiting your chances of actually finding something that works for you both) just because you are “the man.” 🙄

    But also to one of your questions – let’s say this time doesn’t work and she doesn’t come up with a different suggestion. On the next attempt, if that doesn’t pan out, put it in her court instead of you texting each week. Something like -” I know scheduling can be hard with your work hours. Send me a text whenever you have an opening that could work for you – I’ll be looking forward to it.”

    Also, pumped for you! Just be yourself – exactly how you were when you met. No pressure, just two people talking and hanging out.

  14. I love this! Don’t worry that you’ve never been on a date, especially if it’s someone you’ve just met. Think of it more as just going out for ice cream with a friend!

    I like your opening message, but I would be more direct, it’s nice when someone who asks you out takes the reins for the first date. Yes, she may work a lot, but she’s not trapped in a prison work camp, if she’s interested she’ll make the time for you!

    I would go with something like “Hey this is Joel from yesterday. I really enjoyed talking to you! I’ve been to (or If you’ve never been- I’d heard great things and I’d love to check it out) Place Name Here, and they have great rocky road. Is there a day this week that would work for you?”

    That way you name the place and she just fits you into her busy schedule 🙂

    In terms of other stuff- wear something nice but casual, have good hygiene- shower, floss and clean your nails, maybe a LITTLE bit of cologne (if there’s one you like) Don’t overthink it! You’re just enjoying a treat and getting to know a new friend and potential love interest. Good luck!

  15. “How do i not screw this up” is the wrong mindset. Just be yourself and don’t over think it. If it wasn’t meant to be, it wasn’t meant to be.

  16. Fellow autistic here, but the girl version!

    Your message is too passive. I’d suggest something like “Hey, it’s Joel! What does your schedule look like? I would love to take you to (romantic ice cream place you’ve already looked up)”

    That basically gives her two options – first, to confirm a date; or second, to not confirm a date and then you know she’s not as interested as she seemed before.

  17. First, 54(F), very ready to mingle. By all means be sure in the fact that you want to get to know her and act accordingly. I would go on and suggest an activity, day and time and wait for her to answer if she’s available. This is how you keep the conversation going and if she’s really wanting to meet you she’ll make time. We do like assertive men who actually put thought into the time they will spend with me.

  18. Here’s your chance to show some confidence which most women really appreciate. Women also like a guy that can step up, take charge and make plans.

    “Hey this is Joel from yesterday. I’m free on this day at x time and this day at x time. Let’s get this ice cream at x place. It has wonderful x.”

    If those times don’t work for her, ask her when she is free. If she comes back with a day and time, you have yourself a date.

    If she tells you she’ll have to check and get back to you, give her the benefit of the doubt but it’s likely she isn’t interested if she tells you that.

  20. Just try the good old ‘Hey, it’s Joel that you met at X place the other day. I would love to take you out for that ice cream, what days are you free?’

    Shows that you’re interested and that you want to meet up soon, but still leaves enough room for her to find a good time slot.

  21. My advice for most anyone is, listen WAY more than you speak, and ask follow up questions, I guess.

  24. Since she said she has a busy work schedule I’d give her the times you are free to meet in the message. Usually restaurant workers get their schedule 1-2 weeks at a time so if you give her your availability 1 week at a time she may be more apt to finding a time. If you are uncomfortable with that maybe just ask, “what are you available next week? If like you take you (insert place here) or if you have an ice creamer parlor in mind I’m always open to trying somewhere new.”

  25. The ONLY thing you use that number for is to set up a date or to hangout. If she keeps flaking on you- move on.

  26. I’m Asperger’s too and dating is quite bizarre to me too. I found playing NT games during dating can get you further but they still end pretty bad. I would suggest to be candidate, direct but also polite. If the girl misunderstand you for being obsessive and scared away then let it be. Because if she can’t take that candid she is not going to appreciate your other aspie side in the future. Don’t over think like NTs do. I know it’s hard and lonely but you are going to be more miserable being with a wrong person for a long run. I suggest you just say: Hey, this is Joel from yesterday. I found this nice ice-cream place (yes, first date going to an environment you can control and familiar even if you are super “high functional” and don’t normally have meltdowns in a strange place), do you wanna meet up and get some ice cream together? If she said yeah, purpose a date; if she said she’s busy but didn’t purpose any time, tell her to text you if she is free and want to meet up then leave it as it is, stop thinking about it too much.

  28. You’ve gotten a ton of good advice! My thoughts if if were me:
    1. I would wanna hear from you sooner than later, especially if I gave you my number.
    2. I’d be flattered and impressed if you remembered ice cream and suggested a place specifically.
    3. I’d feel you were seriously interested if you gave a date and time that works for you as a starting point.
    4. A cute, flirty phrase is great (others provided good ones).

    She already liked you enough to give the number, so hopefully that’s a little reassurance that she’s interested in YOU. You don’t need to worry about putting best foot forward or the awkward best behavior only expectations some have when meeting for a first date after OLD.

    Remind yourself – you’re already ahead. She already likes you. She’s excited, too!

  30. TBH – as a busy woman myself, I particularly like your initial message, it’s showing you are interested without applying too much pressure on the situation.

    Then in a few days ask her what her schedule looks like for the week and if she would like to meet up for coffee/Ice cream etc.

  31. I found myself in this position recently, and yea it is pretty stressful; feels like small incorrect moves could cost everything. I think there’s several additional things here: making sure you handle it all in a specific way is only really going to scare of a small percentage of women that probably were not that interested in you or dating anyway. If someone does really care about that and can’t understand how this is difficult for you to do, think about this; this person will also be less capable in showing you empathy later on in your relationship if it goes to that. So in some ways “Bullet Dodged”. Not that it’s something you shouldn’t try to improve, just make sure you know it’s not a huge deal how/when you contact someone, just try to not overthink it or over worry yourself, keep it somewhat simple without overexposing your rollercoaster of emotions.

  32. Hey man.

    I’ll start by saying I don’t know you but you’re a cool person who deserves someone who respects you and wants to be in your life. If someone doesn’t want you or doesn’t want to be that’s up to them. It’s not your job to convince someone to like you. Your job is give someone the space to be part of it and allow them to enter it or for you to remove that opportunity.

    Point 2, People are weird. They are thrown by the simplest things. If this is your first time doing this you may make mistakes. She may misinterpret your actions/statements. I would be upfront about the Aspergers. I had a roommate once that I had to train through normal human interactions and while I don’t think you’re there she might like you enough to tell you when you aren’t doing something she likes.

    My generally text script goes like this when I have had a nice chat or connection with someone and I’m interested in more than casual chat:

    I don’t like to wait too long generally 24 hours but I’ve texted people sooner if I liked them, generally its best to remove how much you like them from your thoughts. Reframe it as you could like them, I need to evaluate them and see if we could like each other. I think some people have rules about all of it, there isn’t one general set of rules but I think you could develop your own rules in general. I’ve found as long as you’re someone they want to talk to it’s not an issue. Just ask yourself, were they being nice giving your their information? If you’ve talked a little bit and have a reason to directly message her, just say something “hey X, it was nice talking to you about Y. Hope you’re having a good blah blah blah”

    You should then wait and archive the chat and pretend they don’t exist. Because that’s all you can do for the moment.

    If they reply that’s when you slow down to match their energy. This part is hard for neurodivergent people that when you like someone you really like them. You’re really excited. But this is the one thing that helps me from disappointment; If she takes a day to reply, you take a day to reply. Never reply, never reply. Don’t give anyone any energy they doesn’t deserve. People’s lack of response or delay is a response. You just can’t take it as personal thing.

    I generally don’t spend too much time chatting on text if I want to spend time with them. I connect, establish a rapport and ask them out with in the 3 days of chatting. If you ask them out once and they don’t find another time to chat.

    Assume they weren’t ready or aren’t into you and accept it. Just move forward. If people want to be a part of your life they’ll put in the work.

    Don’t chase, attract.

  35. I have to honestly say you seem more competent at dating than the VAST majority of men, and you seem genuinely kind. I wish you the ABSOLUTE best luck ever with your girl, and I work as a therapist, so i have some pretty solid skills when it comes to communication and helping someone figure out how to say what they want to without having it come off in a way they didn’t intend, accidentally of course. It’s so great that you’ve found something that ignited a spark of interest in u in this world- I agree, it’s easy to feel jaded. I still am a little but there are a great many things I’m not jaded about. My edu background is psych, neurobio and psychotherapy, but if you ever need dating or general advice I’m happy to answer as a fellow human cause obviously Reddit isn’t a place where I wear my “work hat”
cause obviously that wouldn’t be very professional considering what my field is. I am also 32 but female.

    When people are super busy it can be helpful to ask what the best way to arrange things with them is. Otherwise simply ask for two or three options for times and dates that would work for her, and plan whatever it is accordingly. Ice cream is cool, for a quick date. I think for early getting to know a person it’s great to do a shared and somewhat preset activity that gives you enough conversation prompts; a movie doesn’t work bc you must be quiet. Something silly that you’re both crappy at like bowling can be great! Because you can talk about that, while interspersing questions about her, trying to get to know her. Unsurprisingly they will ask questions about you in return.

    Also in my
    Experience vulnerability begets vulnerability so the more you open up, the more they will. Another good tip is to avoid interrupting people and leaving enough breathing room for them to “take up space” verbally. People generally enjoy feeling that someone is curious about them, and asking non generic questions. I mean you CAN Ask what they do for work (but it’s a bit boring so at best it’s an alright question) but I’d ask about their hobbies and whatever it is that they bring up that they “light up” about. The best advice is to be responsive. If you’re really listening and genuinely interested you’ve got nothing to worry about, you just have to act the way you feel. If the person is mature, and not out to play games or jerk you around, they’ll respond well to that.

    One behavioural thing you see when a pair is interested in one another is mimicking behaviours. Like, if one person props up their head with their hand when they talk, the interested party might copy them subconsciously. Obviously don’t do that with every movement or even most of them but 
.just, some. If those things don’t come to you naturally then subtle cues and habits among courting/flirting pairs can be something interesting to read about. It’s not necessary to force anything tho – especially if you explain how you personally show affection and interest if it in any significant way differs from the norm for whatever reason.

    Finally busy people tend to need to reply to things when they have time so try not to be upset if you get left on read when they’re busy, sometimes I have to wait a day or two to get a reply from my sister who definitely wants to talk to me but is supppperr busy as a newly practicing veterinarian. While a day might be a lot, half a day is not long for most people to return a text especially if they’re very busy or very stressed and if you don’t know one another that well yet.

  38. Dude, be yourself because if your not the relationship will never work. Ask her to a movie or to a game or a nice walk.

  40. Wow
!! Guys think so much
😳 I will suggest that just be clear in your communication. I like ur text. If she is genuinely interested, she wouldn’t put up a fight. You got nothing to lose in the beginning stages.

  41. So, believe me i know it is daunting as i went on my very first date at 34, but it really is as simple as setting up a time and location.

    And im not trying to be a jerk, but in my experience often times women find it easier / safer to reject a guy over text than in person. So if you offer a date and she says says anything wishy washy like ‘I’m so busy’, shes not interested, dont push it, and move on. And there is a WORLD of difference between ‘Im so busy’ and ‘Im so busy that day, how’s sunday?’.

    Yeah i know it sucks to get a phone number and then they dont seem interested, but ill share with you litterally the only good dating advice ive ever received:

    If they’re interested, you’ll know. And if they’re not, you’ll be confused.

    And i know that it sounds like the weakest praise ever – I always called it my collection of ‘You Tried’ awards – but good on you for trying at all. More than i did at your age.

  42. I would start with your first message for sure. but follow it up with “How’s your day going by the way?”

    We like guys to be assertive and you don’t want to give the impression that you don’t really care to see her.

    I like what you wrote, you could also write:

    “Hey, this is Joel from yesterday. Keep me in mind when you have some time off coming up. How’s your day going by the way? ”

    that way you can engage in small talk, and even if it’s 2 or 3 weeks that you don’t get to see her, it’s okay, those conversations will make the moment you two meet up even better, bc now you will know more about each other.

  43. Your message is perfect, tbh. It’s not pushy and you ended it with a question, which is even better because then a conversation can start.

  45. MAKE HER LAUGH

    Seriously the best approach I have found is simply to get them laughing…

    That said you do have to be careful as there are 2 possible pitfalls with this approach.

    1) You fall into the ‘Friends zone’, there is no known way out of this, man has been trying since we lived in caves. It is like a one way wormhole into a parallel dimension. Rest assured if you’ve fallen into the ‘Friends Zone’ you will never see her naked.

    2) Sometimes in can be very difficult going from ‘Oh you do make me laugh, you are so funny’ to ‘Get yer boxers off big boy’. Have a plan in place for getting from one state of affairs to the other… I never did… I spent a LOT of time in various Friend Zones… Think I’ve still got a frequent visitor card somewhere now I think about it.

  46. Hey there buddy,

    Here is some relieving thoughts:

    1) the world is not a direct consequence of your message. There are so many complex factors to a person reaction.
    Let go of the thought that this relationship prospect is under your control, it is an illusion that we smart humans like to believe, people have their own minds full of other things. And take decisions outside of our control.

    2) If a person likes you they like you, and wont change their mind because your text is not perfect or at a perfect time, in a way or another, no message is perfect by the way, as long as you send your message, it is not a cover letter

    3) No one cares about your moves as much as you do, so do what you feel like and learn to trust yourself that you are good enough without gimmicks or engineering a conversation like a chess game,

    4) If things did not work, it is not your fault, this is not an exam, it is more like a lottery, there is no fault for trying your luck. And the way you buy your ticket wont change outcome, unless you shoot the cashier while you do it and forget to pay.

    5)engineering conversations is counter productive as it drains energy and makes one come off as non genuine like a saleseman in the streets, people can sense that. There is no need to engineer buying a lottery ticket anyways.

    6)The moment you accept all outcomes are possible with your lottery ticket, that you have very little influence over the outcome, which is limited to buying a ticket, and showing up for the outcome, that moment you get your liberation to be able to be yourself and have fun, because you can’t change outcome then might as well enjoy the ride.

    7)The other person is likely also full of insecurities and feeling unsure about how to be.

    8) You want Ultimate liberation? Tell your someone that you have aspergers, tell her about your insecurities and that you like her, and that it is hard for you to interact because of your overthinking.
    Once you share your insecurities, they are out there and there is nothing to fear anymore.

    Conclusion: The outcome is not what is at stake, what is at stake is winning a battle over your worries and fears, and growing your trust in yourself. Relationship with oneself is more valuable long-term than anything else.

    The more you think in the opposite path of “everything is a result of your actions”, the more insecurities and doubts you will grow, as life is full of rejections, and disappointments, that are not your fault, why take responsibility for the sun being behind the clouds ?

    What you can control, is being clean, being polite, enjoy the moment with its uncertainty and randomness, have fun and laugh at your “mistakes” which are not really mistakes, be yourself and face your fears.

Leave a Reply
You May Also Like