Hi. Just created this account but have been wanting to say something for a long time – years.
My marriage was over before it even started. My husband hates me and I hate him for what he has done to me.
I don’t even know how to say it or where to begin, but I cry often and I am going to write here what just happened in the last few hours as a reminder of the fucked up marriage that I’m in. I’m looking for validation. I have been gaslit so many times that I don’t even know if I’m truly in a dysfunctional marriage.
Side note real quick. Coming on here and seeing ‘spouse’ appreciation posts or honestly anything positive about couples makes me feel absolutely devastated. I am jealous and I want nothing more than to have love and to be wanted.
My husband and I started dating at 17 and 20 years old. We are now 30 and 33. We got married October 2020.
Our marriage really never began. We were having problems when we got engaged in 2019. Mostly back then I was upset about being low on his priority list. He was addicted to work and nothing else mattered. But during 2021 everything hit rock bottom and I don’t think we can come back from it. My husband has stated that he has no respect for me because of something that I actively believe. He doesn’t sleep in the same bed as me. We are not intimate, we are not happy. we are just existing. It is a never ending cycle. All I want is to be loved and wanted, but instead I’m put down, criticized, mocked, disrespected, or treated like I’m worthless. I believe that my husband has conditioned me to think that all of this is my fault or that I deserve it. Any time that I bring up these issues with him he will state something like ‘ oh yeah, I’m the villain and you’re the victim, classic’ He also will say something like ‘even your mom doesn’t like you. you are a hard person to have as a wife’
If I have done something wrong in the past he will bring it up constantly.
If I disagree with any of his opinions he will state that I am ‘undermining him’ and as punishment he won’t talk to me.
I really fucking hate him now and what he has become. He has ruined how I view myself and all we do is fight. We have verbal fights over nothing. I get so upset that I break down and cry and he will just say ‘here we go again’. He will not console me, he will watch me sob on the ground and then just walk away saying ‘I’m done’ I will beg him to talk to me and say ‘please, please, please’ which he will response with ‘I did talk, you didn’t listen’.
When we were having problems in 2019 I got a marriage counseling book and started to follow the activities which he refused to do. Today I found one of the activities which was for me to write down my dreams. The number 1 thing was that I want to become a mom.
My husband will look at me and say ‘we aren’t having kids because you don’t want them’. He doesn’t believe me when I say that I want to have kids. He doesn’t believe anything I say actually.
So I know this is what it looks like when all respect is out the window. He doesn’t even treat me like I’m a human being. But from his perspective, I chose things to be this way. Or I am actively making them be this way.
Things will never be the same. We have two houses together. And wonderful memories. I miss my old husband. I have no idea who this man is that he has been for the last 2 years. How do I move on, grieve the loss of my former husband and ultimately leave him.
I WANT MORE FOR MYSELF. I WANT MORE FOR HIM. I WANT HIM, BUT NOT THIS VERSION OF HIM.
Help Please!
36 comments
Leave him and get a divorce . It’s that simple.
This sounds like a lot of emotional and verbal abuse, I think what you should do first is say I am worth of peace and happiness. If you can do that then start the path of finding them and yourself. You need to get to a safe place (shelter, friends, familys place anything away from him) then you go NC with him. Shut him out and up from you so you can start listening and hearing yourself again. Start seeing a therapist if you can and if he shuts you off financially then time for a job and take care of yourself. The more you have connected with him the more he can control. Once you find that you are in a better mental and physical place then it is time to as the big question, Do you want to save this or Do you want to walk away? After that you follow through with the plan.
I would say you don’t need him to get pregnant tho… but that is a choice on you.
SAFETY, REPAIR, and DO THE HARD WORK
Therapy for yourself.
Divorce.
That’s it. All you can do is change your own actions. You cannot force another person to change.
>*”as punishment he won’t talk to me.”*
Well, the silent treatment is considered to be abuse: [The Surprising Truth About The Silent Treatment](https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/)
The other things are abusive and controlling. Whatever he’s become, this is not a healthy place to stay. You tried to learn and improve, he refused because he’s got you just where he wants. And when we see a 20-year old with a 17 year old, we think he was grooming to get what he wanted.
Everything should’ve stopped in 2019 when things got rough. That was your red flags waving but you ignored them, thinking things would change. They never do.
Be strong and protect yourself. Don’t fall for the [sunk cost fallacy](https://medium.com/mindful-muse/how-the-sunk-cost-fallacy-keeps-you-in-bad-relationships-7bea6742f51d).
i wouldn’t even call this a marriage, best to divorce and find someone that makes you happy.
Do NOT have children with this husband.
Here’s your validation.
Get out.
For the love of all, do not drag a child into this mess.
Thank goodness he refused to have kids with you – having children together makes a relationship permanent as forever coparents, even if you get divorced.
You need to get out. No question about that.
I know this sounds weird, but put your emotions on hold for now (I mean sorting through them). Focus on working on the practical steps to get out of there.
And always remember this – whenever he suggests that you are not good enough for him, he is also implying that you are not the right person for him. And that last part is so utterly true, you two do not belong together.
Good luck and best wishes. It’s a tough path getting out, but you can do it. One step at a time.
>But during 2021 everything hit rock bottom and I don’t think we can come back from it.
What happened?
And yes from the outside looking in it certainly does seem like it’s a dysfunctional relationship.
Your marriage is indeed dysfunctional, and you should leave. But I have a question for you. You state:
> My husband has stated that he has no respect for me because of something that I actively believe.
What is this thing you believe, and what does ‘actively’ imply?
First off it sounds like he groomed you. Do not get pregnant. You will be trapped with him. You’ve had problems from the beginning that never got resolved. He is abusive and he gaslights you. Leave him. There is nothing to salvage.
Leave him. Why are you staying if you’ve been so unhappy for so long?
Get yourself some therapy and start making plans to leave. At some point you have to make the decision. Stay and put up with it, or do the scary thing and leave. And yes, it’ll be hard and suck for a while, but from the sound of it, your home life sucks already. So you have to decide: do you want to be miserable and alone while married, or lonely after a divorce where you’re free to meet people to stop being lonely?
See a therapist, get your power back, divorce him and sue him for alimony and half of everything you built together. Go on and have a happy life.
You want to be loved and wanted. And trust me there is someone who WILL make you feel those things. You deserve that. From your first two paragraphs alone it’s clear you will not find it slogging it out here. And I’ve never said anything like this to anyone else. You don’t even have children yet which is the hardest part. If you want to work it out – a last ditch attempt at couples counselling so you know you did everything you could but you sound so unhappy. Trust us there is a happy relationship for you out there. Also look up the Four Horsemen he’s already doing these.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/
You feel – from what you wrote – exceptionally broken and hopeless. Why are you letting this be done to you?
If you are committed to staying with him (even though you’ll probably be much better just by yourself, at least on the mental level) you possibly can try to take better care of your needs within this marriage, first by not agreeing to the things that hurt you, later by going on with justified things that you may find ‘egoistic’ now.
Not sure if you can recover without therapist support.
Yeah I feel like this is an irreconcilable difference. One that he won’t take seriously. Open, honest and serious conversation is a cornerstone of any spousal relationship and he is very clearly and very obviously not ready for open communication. From what you’ve said he doesn’t take your dreams or desires seriously. This has not just been once, or over little topics (like dinner choice) having children is one of the most serious convos you can have as a couple. The fact that he is not only willing to not openly communicate with you in good faith but gaslight you about your own position is a very serious infraction and violation of spousal trust.
I strongly believe this is grounds for divorce. Your feelings are absolutely valid.
I know everyone here is always quick to “get a divorce” but people of Reddit tend to forget we are all human. A lot of times, men have a very hard time expressing their emotions because they are not brought up to do so. I think he may be going through something mentally that he may not even understand himself or know how to express or talk about. If this was a new relationship and he’s been this way from day one then yes this calls for immediate removal of yourself to a healthier place. Maybe something happened to him and this is really a subconscious cry for help the way he’s acting. If he wasn’t always this way, something is causing him to be this way now. You said it’s only been two years. Which in a long-term marriage is a very short period of time when looking back. Try and figure out why he’s acting this way. Maybe he needs help.
It’s easy to say “get a divorce” immediately from hearing one side of the story. I think that with no kids and the marriage being the way it is and they’re still together says something. There’s obviously some sort of love still lingering between the both of you to be living this way. Communication is the most difficult thing in a relationship, but once you break that barrier you might find your connection and understanding deepens on both sides.
Please get therapy for yourself. You will have a professional help you determine what you should do. I did this in the demise of my first marriage. She helped me realize he wasn’t going to change and I wouldn’t be happy.
You mentioned you have beliefs he disrespects. There have been many people driven apart my political differences in the last few years. Are your beliefs new? For instance, if my husband came to me and said “I am racist/sexist now and don’t believe in equality,” I would be out. I wouldn’t respect him. If he came to me and said “I am Christian,” I would try to support him.
>How do I move on, grieve the loss of my former husband and ultimately leave him.
You just do. Find a lawyer and get the ball rolling. Separate your accounts, figure out a housing situation for yourself. As you said, this guy isn’t who you married and it isn’t your responsibility to fix things when he refuses to address the issue. You deserve better than this and have so much time left to find someone who loves you and will treat you well, as you deserve. Find a lawyer, move out, get your affairs in order. Find a therapist for yourself, take the time to heal and recognize your worth. Once you’re out from under his dark cloud I think you’ll feel much better. Sorry you have to go through this but just do what you have to do to take care of yourself now. He might not make it easy but don’t let that deter you. You’ve got this!
“He hates me and I hate him” do we really have to read any farther?
Why do you want a man that clearly doesn’t want you? How can you love a man that doesn’t show you even an ounce of love for you? Do you feel worthy of love? If your answer is yes, then what were your answers to these other questions? You should be able to have kids but what life would you be bringing your kids into? This doesn’t sound like a loving and stable environment to raise kids. Your kids will grow up believing that the way your husband treats you is normal. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You shouldn’t have to beg anyone to love or listen to what you have to say. Your feelings should be valued. This isn’t a marriage. You have to leave him and never look back. You deserve to be happy and to be loved.
Your marriage is over. That’s very sad but you will be fine. You need to leave him. Then heal and then carry on in a happier and fulfilled life which you deserve. Please leave. This will not get better and you’re wasting your life with someone who doesn’t love you.
Please get divorced, the sooner the better. It does get better but it only does when you decide to break the cycle since he won’t—he has no reason to. Don’t speak to him unless it has to do with dividing the assets/joint account money and don’t let him goad you into anything personal. Draw the line and plant your feet and do not tolerate anything else he could say to get a reaction out of you.
Leave him behind and live your life!
This reminds me of my toxic 7 year relationship and was supposed to get married but got out in the end. Met a different woman and got married and everything has been amazing ever since. There is no saving your marriage, sorry to say. Get out now! Every day you get older so get out now while you’re still in your 30’s!
What happened to make his feelings change? What do you believe that he does not believe? Did you always want children? I’m surprised you don’t agree on kids after 10 years together.
Sorry you are going thru this OP. I’m on my second marriage. I have a good wife I try to be the best husband and the best father. We all need to be better for yourself and others.
If he doesn’t see it, then You deserve to be with someone else. Let me be clear , you can find someone who loves you and cares for you.
Odds are your husband is feeling trapped in his world between work and marriage for some reason he is resenting something and is taking it out on you. It’s really sad when your spouse see’s you as a burden instead of an ally . Honestly if he won’t change or at least acknowledge what’s right in front of him . Then it’s time to move on. Sorry to say such things OP. But if you need more than he can give then you have very little choice . It’s all up to you OP. Make a decision for yourself and even for him. Leaving him might be what’s best for both of you. Stay strong , make a plan ( start to split finances, save money , look for a place to live and so on. ) and as people mentioned earlier seek therapy . I hope things will work out for you.
This man has made it clear what your life with him is. You won’t change him. Doubtful he changes. Leave.,start over – but get help first. Y
Girl, leave. There’s no trophy for being a martyr. Just go find something that sucks less.
If you have children with him he probably will treat them as poorly as he does you.
Get off the floor and quit begging. Good luck.
I did have a kid with my ex husband who was like this. It got worse. Way worse. Like WAY. Me and my son are okay now. Please go. Please.
Would he be willing to get professional help? I say if he does. I’d exhaust everything you can to save your marriage. Get help for yourself because you are enduring all this abuse and couples therapy. If he is not willing to be helped then leave him. Take care of yourself.
I stopped reading after “my husband has stated that he has no respect for me”.
My ex said that. I was so broken as a person that I couldn’t even begin to deal with that statement at the time, but that was the straw that killed the relationship. I was so emotionally abused that I didn’t kick him out for another 8 months or so, the first night he put his hands on me I anger, but that was the night I knew my relationship was dead. Leave girl. Leave, run, take what you can and go. None of this is worth what you’re putting up with
Thank the stars above that you do not have children with this “man”. I use the term man loosely.
Affirm to yourself everyday that you deserve better than this, because in this cesspool of lies that your husband has made of your life with him, that is an absolute truth.
YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS. You mentioned that you wish to grieve so you can move on, and I think that is the right idea. You know, there are counselors that *specialize* in helping people, men and women alike, that find themselves in such intractable relationships where the rational brain says, “This is over,” but the opportunity to accept, do a post-mortem and handle the grief of a relationship ending is all that they really need to get on with the rest, and best of their lives.
I hope you can get that for yourself.
We can’t help. Maybe he’s with someone else or has fallen out of love. You’re young, divorce him and move on. Kids? WhAt kind of kids are you talking about in this mess?
You are getting nothing out of this relationship but pain. It sounds very dysfunctional. Why stay in this relationship if it clearly doesn’t make either of you happy?
Do not bring a child into this mess. It sounds like he doesn’t want the one thing you want most and is just projecting that onto you.
I completely understand I think both of you need to sit down and talk about where your at don’t get mad if he blames it all on you just try to stay calm as you can and say that you are hearing what he is saying but you feel that to move forward and try to see where y’all are at if its time to move forward with your lives or maybe this could work with the necessary changes that have to be made in order for it to work to become a healthy relationship. I feel like sometimes people move forward too fast without seeing the full picture if people were really honest with theirselves almost every relationship in some way can be dysfunctional or some sy “toxic”, I feel that every person is made uniquely different and that you should always remember at the beginning if y’all had the same goals for the future if y’all could relate more than have many differences and if so there is always potential for it to work out but to make the necessary changes both have got to do the work and look at yourself and not the other one as hard as it is because of our emotions and the place we are at at that moment. But love/relationships is not happily ever after without putting in the work and staying open minded because if you are closed minded to one specific way of things change cannot happen. You both need to see a therapist to help guide you to the change you want to see happen and then make those changes. After you both have seen a therapist and you have tried everything and feel that you or him have no progression then yes this may be the time to consider moving on.