We have a 19yr old, 20 in December. She’s failed out of college after one semester. Won’t get her license. Permit expired this month. We’ve paid $600 for the course.
She lived on campus for obvious reasons. We picked her up every week. Took her grocery shopping. Hauled her and her stuff bk to campus every Sunday night. No job. Only needed focus on school. Got a zero in a class that was all essays. I’ve literally fought bk tears driving away. I was kicked out at 16 & would have killed for her life.
She’s been home since 12/21. Our rules were 1. Get license 2. Work FT if not in school 3. Keep her bathroom/bedroom clean 4. Clean up after yourself in kitchen, etc
6 months later here we are….
Hasn’t been driving once. Online portion not done. Works FT, but she calls in or leaves early often. Room is disaster at all times. Now we are weeks away from selling our home. Told her she has to stay somewhere else while on market. She never cleaned it. You literally can’t see the floor. Any of it. Carpet is ruined. Koolaide and what looks like Starbucks stains.
I gave her deadline of Tuesday or I’m cleaning room and throwing away whatever I wanted. It came & went. Nothing changed. We gave her a 30 day written eviction notice after multiple warnings she will have to leave if can’t obey the house rules. Since then she stopped caring for our dogs when we aren’t home. That’s petty AF. She is applying for places I guarantee she can’t afford. How will she get bk and forth? She doesn’t know.
We can NOT live like this anymore. She’s so entitled and acts like her life is so unfair. We’ve had her in therapy for 1/2 her life. She won’t take any meds she’s s prescribed. She needs to learn to be an adult. I think she needs serious reality checks. Where do we go from here?
38 comments
Have you asked her why? She obviously is failing tasks, and she might be going through something horrible. Maybe getting a therapist. No didn’t talk about her mental state of mind. If you want to help her, I suggest you get her someone to talk to about personal issues that you might not have any clue on.
Has she been evaluated by a doctor for mental health and ADHD?
I mean, at the end of the day, you have to recognize that you guys have enabled her or failed her or both. She either has some serious mental health issues that haven’t been addressed or she’s just plain spoiled rotten.
Like…why would she drive if she has no reason to because mom and dad do it? Why would she work when she doesn’t have to support herself?
I’d look for a shelter local to you (United way 211 could give you the info) and then give it to her. She can go there.
Idk flunking a semester in college doesn’t really count as failing out of college. I failed an entire year/year and a half early on and still ended up focusing and finishing very strong and ultimately got my defree
>She’s so entitled and acts like her life is so unfair. We’ve had her in therapy for 1/2 her life. She won’t take any meds she’s s prescribed. She needs to learn to be an adult. I think she needs serious reality checks.
Well, that’s…pretty pathetic.
>Where do we go from here?
Follow through with the eviction. It’ll <hopefully> be a great life lesson.
You’re gonna have to stop enabling her. Does she have friends/a social life? Any hobbies? Is she depressed?
Sometimes it takes a shitty turn in life to light a fire under your ass. Clean her room, get rid of everything, I mean everything (save her valuable things but don’t allow her access to them) and leave only the absolute necessities. Also quit driving her places – except therapy. How does she get to work?
She’s fine living the way you’re allowing her to live, so why would she change? You need to make those changes and force her to make some changes. She clearly doesn’t have any motivation and she desperately needs that.
Nah I wouldn’t feel bad at that point due to sheer lack of responsibility, after a point you’ve done all you can as a parent and they have to do it themselves
Sounds like you’ve done what you can do. Kicking her out will force her to face real world.
eta laughing my ass off at the people responding to me so mad. You’d think I personally threw her out with my opinion
I think the best thing for her might be to kick her out (as you said). I wasn’t a terrible child but living on my own, eventually, and figuring things out for myself taught me to be more responsible. She will figure out the hard way that adulting is not easy and hopefully attempt to take things more seriously. She will also realize that life can be hard and realize the true value of a dollar. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.
I understand where you are coming from. I don’t know if it is the right choice. Have you thought of speaking to a therapist for yourself? Maybe they could give you some tools and suggestions that could help? Maybe kicking her out is the best option. This is a difficult situation. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom to change. My sister is that way.
Hey OP, just so you know u/GuessGenes is claiming to be your daughter and is claiming that you tried to SA her.
Regardless, no. I think you are doing the best thing for yourself and your daughter. Part of the reason why your daughter won’t get it together, is because you showed her that she can always depend on you to carry her.
I understand that you care for her and love her, but allowing this to go on is harming her. In my opinion, you are doing the right thing.
She sounds a lot like me to a slightly greater extreme. I drive a lot to be far away from my parents, but I did fail through an entire year of college mostly unbeknownst to my mom. I’m still going to graduate without extra time or with only an extra semester.
My life should be great. I should be happy. I’m smart, I have everything I need. But every day faces me with a complex network of trauma that took until the age of 20 to begin to understand. My mother covertly emotionally abused me my entire life, and now I have to unlearn a large part of my mental make up.
I’m not saying this is what’s going on with her. I’m saying it seems like she has a lot going on under the surface that has not been figured out yet. Regardless of how much therapy she’s had, these things can take ages and just the right timing to see. Things like anxiety, OCD, and ADHD often do not present at all like we expect them to, especially in women. You can go years with a therapist and still not have any idea that’s what it was the whole time.
It looks like you’ve tried to help her mental health as much as you can. If you can afford an inpatient treatment stay and she would be open to this, I see this as one more option. If you decide to follow through and kick her out, go ahead. That might be what’s needed. You just have to accept that you may lose your relationship with her. It doesn’t matter if you’re being fair or not, being kicked out is going to stick with her for life, and she is under no obligation to forgive you.
Why did you go pick her up at college every weekend? It might have been useful for her to have been more independent then. I remember the people who went home every weekend always struggle more than the ones who stayed on campus.
Just how did you raised her? You went through hardships, maybe you overdid it for her and she never grew up.
My uncle sometimes didn’t ate as a child / teenager, his daughter is 39, only odd jobs as a tutor, no home and no prospects to retire, he’s paying the rent on the house she’s living in with her daughter. He admits he wanted to give her a better life and neglected to teacher her the value of money, work and life skills like cooking or cleaning.
Wow she sounds like my little sis who is 23, she will not change unless drastic measures are taken and even then she may never see the error of her ways. It’s high time to kick her to the curb. My parents never parented my sis, she was the golden child and rules didn’t apply to her. She has always done whatever she wants with no regard to anyone else. She lies, steals, ruins other peoples belongings, trashes the house, contributes nothing. Mom refuses to put her foot down or even make her pay rent. I have payed rent since 18. Sis works full time while mom and I are disabled on a fixed income. She contributes nothing to the bills but she regularly eats my moms food even though she has tons of her own and literally works in a grocery store. I’m sorry but some people are just bad eggs and there is really nothing you can do about it. You have been more than fair and given more chances than many would. You need to check if you can legally evict though, in some places if she isn’t paying rent then she isn’t considered a tenant and you can’t legally evict her. It’s crazy I know but you need to make sure any action you take against her is legally sound. I would consult a lawyer honestly, this could get messy. I really think you should consider going low or no contact as soon as she is out of your house. She needs to grow tf up and she will never do that with mommy and daddy holding her hand. My sister would have been long gone if my dad were still alive, he never would have put up with this, but she is mean and abusive and manipulates my mom to get her way. My sister is a horrible person and I can’t stand living with her. My mom and I are so much better off when she’s not living here. I can’t wait for her to move out again, I don’t give a flying fox I’m taking over her room this time so she will not be able to come back.
Hats off to you! She will not change if she isn’t forced to. Your rules are VERY reasonable. Stay strong and hold to that ultimatum. She’s pushing the boundaries because she doesn’t think you’ll follow through. It’s the only way she will get on her own 2 feet and be an adult.
Well, it’s time to buckle up and stop enabling her. I’m sorry. I know that it’s really hard for a Mom (especially with the background you describe) to do anything punitive. But, you just must. Giving her ultimatums and letting them pass with no consequences is not doing her any favors at all. Time to kick the chick out of the nest. For her own good. She must learn to survive on her own. As awful as it sounds, you and your husband aren’t going to be around forever.
Be kind to yourself, OP. I know you did the best you could. But you just absolutely MUST maintain your resolve. For her sake.
There’s a gray area between kicking out and enabling. Can you help her financially when she moves? I got an allowance from my parents until I was 25. Lost of 20 something’s get financial support from their parents today. But I still moved out when I was 19 and paid my bills, worked FT, built my adult life, etc. I also had mental health issues and struggled with college! TLDR: help her move out and find her space, the adulting will follow
I hear your frustration. I’m the parent of kids that age and older and we’ve been through some things is all I’ll say. I have to say that it does sound like your daughter was enabled in the past. I do think that you might benefit from maybe talking to someone yourself. It sounds like you are really frustrated seeing your daughter have opportunities you didn’t and then she is wasting them. Again, I really do understand that feeling. I’ve been there too. I do think your daughter should find her own place as she’s not able to cooperate with your house rules (which are IMO quite reasonable). I don’t know if giving her notice will be productive though. Maybe she needs to learn on her own about finding a place. You could remind her of the deadline but maybe let her figure it out a little. It might be to her benefit. (FWIW one of ours moved to a new place and I was freaking out that it would be too expensive, not a good living situation etc). I was so wrong. They have a nice place with a decent landlord and they are thriving.
Might wanna ask her about it, consult a doctor and or psychiatrist.
There are plenty of reasons for a lack of motivation, productivity and energy.
Stress and depression comes to mind and you’d not be doing your kid any favors by kicking them out or simply setting rules they had hardly any chance to to follow in the first place bc medical/mental reasons 🤷
have you tried actually talking to her? i’m not trying to be funny or smart or anything but i have little young kids and i parent a little like my mom but i also have my own parenting style. so where my mom might say in this situation cut her off, i’d try to see what was going on in my daughter’s life. ask questions and see if she was having problems in school or with learning or needed help anywhere. asked about her mental or if i’m doing something to contribute to her anger if she had any. i’d want to get to the bottom of it and if she showed she didn’t want to do any of that, didn’t want to communicate, listen, or anything then i’d kick her out. when there are no more options. because i had to actually talk to my mom about certain things that bothered me before i could heal and actually have a normal relationship with her. you’re doing great, so don’t cry!! you’re doing everything you can, just make sure you’ve done all you could before you wash your hands. i know you got this!! you sound like a pretty great mom to me!!
Damn I thought I was doing terrible. I mean I’m no gem but I got finished college I just gotta get a job
What does she say when you talk to her about how she’s feeling and what she wants for the future? Have you all gone to therapy together?
Are you sure she isn’t depressed? Trust me, some people can hide it WELL.
It won’t end well for her or you. I told my daughter she will always have 2 things in regards to our relationship: a place to stay in my home and a phone.
My mother kicked me out at a very young age and yeah, I survived but it seems like she probably won’t and you may be ok with that. I hope not.
Your house, your rules but if she’s unable to conform, and you just try to make her conform, she will continue to do as she’s doing now.
Good luck.
>She’s so entitled and acts like her life is so unfair.
Would you share what you understand of her perspective?
It seriously sounds like she is struggling *deeply* at the moment (be it with adhd, depression, executive dysfunction, something else) and you are not showing up for her in the ways she needs. Yes, its nice to drive her around, its good she goes to therapy, but this post is so judgemental and heavy on the shoulders of someone who isn’t even an adult yet! We are only as needy as our unmet needs. Nobody wants to live in a trashed room. Nobody wants to fail continuously in school or at work. Nobody wants tense relationships. There is something deeper going on right now and right now, of all times, she needs her mom.
I will give my perception from a 23M who was kicked out at 17 for similar issues.
There’s 2 parties here, and both are doing things wrong.
I’ll start with you, as whilst you’ve been very supportive and giving in many ways many parents aren’t, you are pushing your child (which they still are at 19) to live a way they clearly have 0 interest in.
I don’t doubt you think its the best way for them, but perhaps it just doesn’t align with their personalities.
Your child clearly has 0 interest in their studies. Now, I see you’ve put them in therapy, so that confirms my first suspicion of mental illness. I personally have Bipolar and ADHD, and suffer the exact same issues. Lack of motivation, inability to focus etc. and I don’t take medication for the sole fact it makes me feel not like myself, and that’s worst to me than failing in education, work etc.
Now, having said that, my mum forced me to do A-Levels which is education in the UK for 17-18 year olds. I wanted to learn a trade, but she wanted me to be the first in the family to go to uni, despite having 0 interest in school. After the first year, I failed and she kicked me out, with nothing. 0 support.
I cut her out of my life, as she’d always been very toxic and controlling, and also abusive. Not saying you are, but perhaps to your child they feel that way. Perhaps they also don’t.
I had nothing, and got a job, a good one at that. However, my recreational drug use spiralled and I ended up selling to survive due to poor pay for a 17 year old. Then I sent myself to college, and later dropped out due to making money in other ways and being too drugged up to care.
Then I changed my life around a couple years later, went back to college and got my qualifications. Stopped the drugs, and am progressing. It has taken me 6 years to get here.
Now you seem very involved with your child’s life, when at 19, you should have already taken a step back. By about 15, a healthy parent would let their child have independence in all walks off life. You offer them support, resources etc. when they ask, but you don’t force them to do anything, or to not do anything. Your child has become dependent on you at 19, and is now going to struggle the transition to an adult. You must now take a step back, not kick them out because of your own anger. You simply need to tell them that you understand you tried to make them live your way, and it hasn’t worked. Give them the freedom. Set them a reasonable rent to pay each month. They must find the work or move out. The rent is not to your profit, but it is to be made within reason of a job they can achieve.
Leave your child enough money to have freedoms and learn enjoyment from their money, but also make sure they learn to be resourceful with it.
You also need to start treating your child as an adult, before you can expect them to behave like one. From now on, no more doing anything and everything for them. And no more pushing them. No more letting yourself get pushed to the point of tears they do something you don’t like. By doing this, unintentionally, you’re emotionally blackmailing them. Your child will be in a constant state of trying to do what you want, to make you happy, but falling short as its not their will. No one wins here. You need to trust them to become their own person and find their own way.
You said your child has been in therapy, which is great for a parent to do when their child needs it. However, from your own parenting style, my advice would be to put yourself in therapy. You have some attachment issues that are causing you to treat your child this way. Its something your own upbringing will have bought up in you, that you will likely consider to be normal behaviour.
As for the messy room, unfortunately that’s a common thing with mental illness.
ADHD means a mess to us organised, and tidiness is unorganised. But mess also spirals our depressions. As for bipolar mess is also awful for depression.
As their parent, stop treating this as bad behaviour. If you want to help my advice is this. Tidy their room for them, starting once a week. Tell them when you will tidy and ask them if there’s anywhere they want you to ignore, i.e. private stuff. From your behaviour, I fear you’re likely over-invasive of such things; and would want to snoop. Instead, you will respect such a place, i.e: a set of drawers etc. and not give into the temptation to look. Remember, you must now treat them as an adult, and you would not snoop on a friends private drawer, or allow a friend to snoop on your own.
When you tidy, you will organise it in the same way each time. Your child will begin to realise how much they appreciate the tidiness and organisation, but will be unable to maintain this. After 2 weeks, you ask them to help you towards the end. If they have ADHD, they will do almost everything but help, as its what our brains do. But they will see how quickly you can tidy their mess. This is something upon witnessing an ex do regularly in my 20s eventually lead to me realising mess isn’t that hard to clean, in theory.
After a month, you will change your tidying to 2 weeks, and they will start to miss it being clean. After the 2nd month, you then make a deal. If they can keep it clean for the next day you tidy, you will pay them $10 for their help. Why? Well this will motivate them. Have them tidy without thinking about tidying, but instead their brain will be focused on the financial reward. If they have ADHD, this is key, as thinking about the actual tidying will shut our brains down and send us into a fog. It also doesn’t have to be tidy all week, just when you go into tidy. Their will be no shouting, and no punishment. They just won’t get their reward.
After 2 months, you will ask them to help when you tidy. You won’t get angry when they underperform. You will guide them. Ask if they can put 1 thing in a certain place. Then when they do, ask for another thing. Instead of getting angry, you will have a nice calm conversation with them. Ask them to play some music you guys can enjoy together (this has 2 purposes) as music helps focus with ADHD and will also help you 2 enjoy the time. You have to then make them think this will be a nice experience and that cleaning isn’t too bad. They will be involved and you will break their tasks down 1 by 1 instead of the overwhelming pile they’re faced with, as our mentally ill brains just shut down at the thought of that.
This is a parenting method that honestly should have been done much earlier, but now its later and you have 6 months. Keep up with it, and you might see a behavioural change in your child’s tidying pattern.
Also remember with most mental illnesses, the speed you tidy, you will likely clear 10x the amount of things a mentally ill person does in that time. This isn’t us being lazy or difficult, its our brains running through fatigue, fog and us having to fight our brains ultimately logging out. If you pay attention when your child tries to actually tidy, they will likely become more quiet, or super talkative. Look zoned out, or really fidgety. These are normal responses of our brains acting in a way internally that is throwing off our external behaviours.
If things stay the way they are now, she is unlikely to change. You have to make a move. You say “name we understand that you just want to do what you want to do. We have given into you so many times over the years, you never learned how to be an adult. My problem, as your mother, is that I love you too much, and have always wanted to protect you from have teenage years like mine, where I was homeless at 16. But I now realize that in trying to protect you from the world, I have effectively prevented you from learning to protect yourself. That stops now. You are an adult. You need to find a place to live that you pay for, where you can learn how to take care of yourself in this world. I know you won’t appreciate it now, but I hope that one day, you will come to understand my reasons for holding you accountable and forcing you to learn what it means to take care of yourself in this world.”
You should not cut her off completely. She sounds too likely to fail. Someone needs to teach her. Perhaps you can agree to $200 of Safeway gift certificates the first 3 months, if she doesn’t have savings consider paying the deposit. Maybe you work with her to create a budget before she leaves, a how-to which shows her how she can live on her income that she can fall back on if need be. Does she know how to budget? Doea she k own how to set up utilities? Does she shop at the cheaper grocery stores? Think through what she needs to know as an adult and get her learning it. Setting aside ti.e for bills. Setting up cc payments on auto-debit. Explaining what an advantage good credit is, and teaching her how to build it. Etc etc etc
To be fair I can see why she might be a “failure to thrive”. Right now in this economy everything is shit and even though I managed by myself it’s extremely difficult.
I totally understand wanting to curl up in a ball and just stop functioning. It’s not like we chose to be born.. Even if she gets a job, it will probably not pay well or a livable wage. If she gets a license and a car, gas is still extremely expensive. Most college degrees don’t guarantee employment in the studied career.
Not to mention rent and housing. There was 40 other applicants for the apartment that I got and in order to get it, I had to pay first month’s rent, security deposit, and a $780 pet deposit for my hamster. $780 for a fucking hamster.
It’s all around a bad situation for both parent and fledgling teen
She sounds like she needs a specialist. This sounds like a very severe case of some type of mental issue. There a multiple programs in the usa for “failure to launch kids”, places to help 18-25 year olds start to assimilate into society or at least reach some goals, and various psych programs. Before kids were locked out and either made it or became homeless or just disappeared because people didn’t know where to get help. We have these resources in place now and you,m should make an attempt at helping your own kid get to them.
If after this she refuses then you can at least say she doesn’t want help
Hey 25 year old here! I just figured it out. Parenting doesn’t stop at 19. I’m hugely different than I was at 19. My parents kicked me out and I ended up in a terrible relationship because I didn’t understand that I was so broken. My parents eventually apologized for kicking me out because they saw it did more harm than good. I was literally fighting to be seen.
I’m 22 and have struggled with depression since middle school. I left home at 19, it was abusive and I was kind of seen as an enemy in a since. Like how could I leave my siblings behind? And my mom would loose the $400 (I payed rent every month since a week before turning 18.)
A family took me in give or take for two years,
I quit my job and stopped going to school because mentally I was just not there. I had just left an emotional and physically abusive home. They had no requirements for me, they just wanted to love me like one of their own. Even though I was struggling, I always made sure to keep my room tidy, the bathroom, helped with the dishes & dogs. I’d help with their other kids.
My mom did require that we pay $400 a month or we get kicked out, but she didn’t care if it’s PT or FT, but that’s just because she doesn’t really want anybody to leave.
Anyway,
Leaving at 19 was really hard, but I’m so much better off. I got married, I live two states away & plan on going back to school.
I think your daughter needs the boot and learn the tough way. Even if she just tries for let’s say a few weeks and she really starts working FT, can’t afford a hotel.. & she’s a bum on the street. Maybe re evaluate the situation later, but she needs to learn boundaries and respect.
She needs to be an adult and get help.
It’s hard, but she can do it. Nothing will change and if things just stay this way.. if she lost you guys for some crazy reason, she would be fucked.
You can let her know y’all will still be there for her, and she can come visit because you do want her to be ok and succeed, but it’s time to go!! Things need to change for sure
No excuse to abandon your kid. Shes only hear because you chose to keep het, u dont get to pick and choose when shes ‘not doing’ enough and when to be a parent
It honestly sounds like you’re leaving out a lot of details here. No one can give good advice without a complete picture of the situation, which you are not providing.
So, instead of parenting her…..you’re just kicking her out?
Do you want to ever see your daughter again? Or do you not care what this may do to your relationship with her?
She won’t drive? Stop offering the free rides and tell her to walk or organise something with friends. You’ll be amazed at how quickly she’ll pick up those keys.
Won’t take her meds? Take her to the doctor and have them explain that if she doesn’t take them, you can be given permission as her caregiver to make her have them.
No job? That’s fine, tell her she can have a certain amount of money per week to either buy her own things that once used, will not be refilled until the next week, or she can cook for herself and the family in order to share the meals. It’s practically Guaranteed she’ll grow sick of it and look for ways to make more than what you give her.
You’re whining about how she’s acting entitled when you’re the one who has the ability to change that. Don’t dump her in the middle of nowhere just because you don’t want to do it anymore, put your parent shoes on and start walking in them. She’s your child, not some roommate you can kick out without any notice.
I’ve seen others say it here, but she really needs to get evaluated for mental problems. What you’re describing sounds like depression, speaking from experience here, I went through most of university until I suddenly couldn’t do anything anymore, couldn’t focus, couldn’t muster any energy. These problems didn’t appear out of nowhere, they were growing for most of my life, until it became a pressure cooker. I tried to kill myself several times, in secret. I was ashamed of what was happening, I was scared to tell anyone. Thankfully my father was very supportive and helped me find intensive therapy for 9 months that got me back on my feet.
Kicking her out will not help her, she’s just as likely to seek out an easy way of life, like drugs or prostitution, or she’ll end up killing herself, feeling isolated and abandoned. Instead of pushing her to do what YOU want, which clearly isn’t working, try to ask her what SHE wants out of life.
I’m sorry if this sounds a little aggressive, but reading this reminds me a lot of my mother, who didn’t believe me when I told her I was struggling mentally, and only cared about seeing me finish uni and get a job. There is middle ground here, what you’re talking about here sounds like “either my way, or the highway.”
I don’t think 19 is old enough to give up on your daughter. She is a legal adult but developmentally she is not fully formed. The therapy clearly was not effective, doesn’t matter how long she’s been going. Don’t give up on your daughter while she is so young. Yes, 20 is young.
Where does she work? Unless she is making over 20 dollars an hour and you live in Iowa, look around you! Rents have skyrocketed. You aren’t going to give her a reality check…you are giving her to the streets.
yes i am sure kicking her out where she will either become homeless or meet a man who will provide for and abuse her is a great option on your failed parenting