I started a new job in a new city in September 2020, in a field I’d spent 10 years trying to get into. The person who was supposed to train me was on injury leave for an extended period, so I was absolutely stoked when the senior technician (43M) in charge of the subject area I’m most interested in took me under his wing.
Over 6 months or so, we became close friends. I was lonely and struggling in a new city, so I really appreciated all the help and his showing me around the region. He confided in me that his partner of 18 years (57F) had been overseas for over a year at this stage, things weren’t going well and he didn’t think she was coming back.
Over the next few months this changed into him telling me that it was effectively over with her, that if she came back it would be a purely financial arrangement until she got on her feet and they sold their house.
Then he made a move. I turned him down, because I wasn’t convinced his relationship was over, I didn’t want work to be impacted, and obviously the significant age difference. However he kept trying, and we talked about all 3 of those issues at length and eventually starting seeing each other. To my surprise, he actually treated me very well and it was in general a positive relationship, and nothing changed at work. It didn’t last long, as he wanted a level of commitment I wasn’t willing to give after such a short period of time, so we went back to being friends and all was well.
His partner came home last August (not long after we ended things) and I soon discovered that they had not broken up at all. We then went into a nationwide covid lockdown, I was alone, and things got messy. He was calling me every day to chat, but it was awkward and horrible, my mental health was a dumpster fire due to being completely alone for weeks and knowing he was just waltzing off into the sunset with her like nothing ever happened.
I begged him to meet me to talk it out once restrictions were lifted and he agreed. Less than 5 mins later he called back to say that his partner had guessed what he’d been up to and he’d confessed, and cut all contact. Two days later they allowed me to go around to talk, but I was such a mess that all I could do was cry and apologise to her.
Once we got back to work a few weeks later, things were strained but manageable. However he started making more and more excuses not to let me participate in the work we had been doing together, to the point where I am now completely excluded from the work area I care about most and am most qualified for. Eventually I confronted our team leader about it. She knows about the situation and has been quite supportive, but told me that he says he can’t work with me anymore.
It’s now been 10 months since everything blew up and I’m still getting glared at in the corridors (his partner now works in the same building), shunned to the point where if I walk into the break room the two of them will stand up and leave, our mutual friends are absolutely baffled by his cold and cruel behaviour.
In the few times we’ve talked about the issue, he has stated that he has no problem working with me but she will leave him if he does. I’ve told him that it’s unacceptable for him to sabotage my job over this after he repeatedly reassured me that I wasn’t going to be a homewrecker and that we were mature adults who could make things work at work if the relationship didn’t last. Our team leader supports me but is ultimately too busy to actually do anything about his refusal to involve me in this area of work.
So WTF do I do now? I thought after this length of time we’d be able to at least work together with strict boundaries in place, but it seems he’s all too happy to throw me under a bus and ruin the career I’ve worked so hard to get a foot in the door in. We work in a fairly niche industry in a small country, so it will be difficult to find another relevant job and would likely have to move to another city again, which I desperately don’t want to do as I’ve only just started to feel at home here.
26 comments
This sounds like a human resources thing. Have you tried to contact anyone from HR?
Maybe try finding a different job, in the same field, at a different company or a different group at your current company?
It sucks it’s going like this but she’s likely holding it over his head. Maybe threatening “taking everything he has” or is being otherwise manipulative.
I say this because of what you described about when you go into a break rool and they leave. That is just drawing attention to the matter and is extremely unprofessional.
As others have suggested, possibly get HR involved to c.y.a. just in case.
I’ve been in a workplace relationship that went bad and it was just awful afterwards as I had to see her daily as her work area was very close to mine. It can wear on you mentally so I understand, at least somewhat, what you’re going through.
Unfortunately their behavior doesn’t seem too weird to me, especially since his wife works in the office now. Even office romances with people who are not married can get messy – this is why they usually should be avoided.
Despite your “talks” he still tricked you into being his affair partner. You still chose to cheat with him, whether his lies were believable or not. I am really sorry, ultimately he targeted your naivety and he was the one who initiated the cheating, but It’s going to be really hard for coworkers to not view you as “the homewrecker”.
It’s pretty normal for marriages to demand no contact with the affair partner, him not working on projects with you makes sense, and from his wife’s perspective, is fair. I don’t really think there’s a way for you to fix this as a new employee, your reputation is trashed, you really should just start looking for a new job.
Well I’m not sure how to proceed but technically you were the homewrecker. You knew he had a partner and knew the relationship, while possibly unstable existed and yet you proceeded with seeing him.
Unfortunately she has every right to expect him to require no contact with you either at work or at home. This is why it is always recommended to never seek a relationship or sleep with a co worker.
I really do not see a way for you to proceed without moving positions away from any contact or influence. As you posted you can pull your union reps to intercede but realistically it’s a personal matter. You may not get the results you hope.
Good luck.
This is a minefield. You need to talk to someone above both you. Ask the team lead for suggestions. Perhaps the company lawyer – however IF you do this I suggest you talk to a labor lawyer before this happens – because you might say something that gets you fired. Also I suggest you get more aggressive in explaining that this was all HIS idea and HE misled you (he did).
Why is she working there now? Is it a shared building? That’s a huge potential conflict of interest and clearly affecting the workplace. Have you told your leadership he won’t work with you bc of reasons having nothing to do with work?
Given that the man you had the affair with happily lied to you about being separated from his wife, it’s possible that he told his wife other lies about you to make her hate you. He might view bonding over hating you as a good way to reconnect with his wife and reassure her that he won’t cheat again. If he cared about not damaging your career, he simply wouldn’t have started an affair with you under false pretenses. He probably thinks he can get away with his behavior because he’s more established in his career and because he’s a man.
It’s also likely that his wife is jealous of you because you’re a lot younger and well, you had an affair with her husband even though you were legitimately deceived. She only knows you as the stranger who had an affair with her husband, so you’re likely an easier person for her to hate in a lot of ways than her beloved husband. She might try to cope with the affair by concocting a narrative about how you’re an evil seductress who went after her poor blameless husband.
One thing to remember is that the purpose of HR is to protect the company from getting sued, not to protect the welfare of the employees. I wouldn’t count on them taking your side. I worry that the people at your workplace might simply decide to choose the cheating dude over you because he has more experience in the field, so they’ll think he’s worth more as an employee even though he’s creating unnecessary workplace drama.
Since this is a work issue, I think that r/antiwork would likely have some really good advice for you if you posted this over there.
You said in a comment that most people in HR moved or left. Well, I think that’s a signal that this is not a good company and you have to start looking for another job, even if you have to move. No decent company is going to leave a whole department being run by a single person. HR is supposed to be a core part of the company and retain employees, they cannot even retain themselves? That’s just a sign that this place is going downhill.
Even if HR interfered, those people are going to keep giving you the cold shoulder. There’s nothing HR can do to change their mind and leave when you go to the break room. The only thing HR can do is move you or move him so you don’t interact, make sure it doesn’t affect your reviews, etc. They cannot force him to work with you, actually, and one typical policy is to prevent interaction between both parties. But nobody is getting disciplined for not liking you, particularly if they are not in the same team as you and are only “around.”
Unfortunately, this guy lied but he was married. So your case is very nuanced. You cannot be telling people he tricked you and said he was broken up, because then you are talking badly about a coworker which could also get you in trouble.
Simple rule for life
dont shit where you eat
regardless of what this guy has done it is often not a good idea to get involved with someone you work
> and I soon discovered that they had not broken up at all
I’m
Soooooo shocked.
This is what happens when you ignore advice. Don’t eat where you shit.
I would be contacting a lawyer. This is textbook sexual harassment. A superior had a relationship with one of his subordinates, it doesn’t work out and now you’re being punished for his bad behavior? Yea, contact a lawyer. Fuck HR, they are going to try to protect the company not you.
Talk to HR, if you’re in a union, consult with them.
And most importantly, next time steer clear of people that are in established relationships regardless of what they tell you, especially with such a drastic age difference.
Cover your bases and take it as a painful lesson learned.
I’m not sure how you expect things to change for you at work. You had an affair with a coworker who was/is married. And you expect him and his wife to behave at work towards you as if it never happened? I’m not excusing the guy at all, he’s a cheater and a liar, but you need to wake up to reality and transfer to another sector of the company away from them or find a new company/job altogether. You can’t just complain and wait for people around you to change the situation. You have to actively make the change for yourself.
Seriously, what were you expecting?
Situations like this rarely end happily.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You were targeted, sexually harassed, and misled. This is a really egregious situation, and even though you said HR is swamped, this needs to be brought to their attention.
Take this as a really tough lesson learned. A mentor or a senior leader at work should never ever be making a move on you. Ever. It’s inappropriate for someone in a leadership position to do that. It happens a lot, unfortunately, and people get away with it, unfortunately, but don’t let this happen to you ever again.
If you can remember details or maybe have supporting documents (emails, cell phone logs), start typing out everything. Document details on when he made the first move, how you turned him down, when/where/how you were told he was separated, everything. Including what’s happening to you now, and meet with HR. Tell them the work environment is hostile and make them fix it. They might discipline him, move you to another department, etc.
Lesson learned. You don’t hook up with your boss/mentor and especially when you have a niche career. You mixed business with pleasure. Since no HR, reach out to the partner and let them know you meant no disrespect. Show evidence of your side and the lies he told you. See if they can hook you up with another mentor elsewhere. You can’t work with that manipulative ass anyways. Try to use that info as leverage if they are not willing to help.
You need to quit and find a new job and don’t fuck your superior
This is why you don’t shit where you eat.
Your a homewreaker!!
You wanted to move your career up so you didn’t care if his relationship was actually over or not.
I’m not saying he’s not to blame either… but don’t act like your not partially to blame.
Don’t shit where you eat. Now you must either leave the job or report it to HR and hope it salvages something.
Keep your head down, do your work, and start looking for a new job.
You weren’t framed as a home wrecker. You had an affair with someone and his partner found out. Actions have consequences.
All you can do is change jobs and use better judgement next time.
Next time don’t sleep with married men or wait until divorce and don’t sleep with coworkers. You did it to yourself…
Well I have nothing to say except this is why you don’t date direct coworkers and shit
why do young women even go for old dudes? you’re setting yourself up to be manipulated. please be careful.
Ugh. This is on him and not you. I hate when people do that.
> he has no problem working with me but she will leave him if he does.
Time to have a chat with missy.