30F and have had 2 boyfriends in a row dump me after our first fights. I was calm during the fights which were caused by them crossing boundaries with other women (eg holding another woman’s hand). I didn’t insult or yell but simply expressed that the behavior was disrespectful and I was hurt.
It feels like they didn’t respect me probably because I reciprocated interest immediately, I told them how I feel about them. I was patient and understanding and I wanted to continue to work on the relationship and took responsibility for my part even though it’s mostly their fault for crossing boundaries with other women.
In the past when I acted crazy, was mean to boyfriends when I was upset, stonewalled, etc. the men stuck by me and committed to working through the relationships. Now that I’ve matured and become more patient and kind it’s thrown in my face.
Are men more captivated/fall more in love when a woman is mean to them when upset, threatens to walk away from the relationship every fight etc.? I wonder if I’m being too calm and understanding and it’s turning men off now.
Wondering if going back to being selfish, being more unavailable and having a take it or leave it attitude to relationships will secure me love. Ie should I be an asshole?
21 comments
No. They were scumbags. Don’t date scumbags and they won’t dump you.
100% agree. I was very emotional in my early 20s and had boyfriends who stuck by me no matter what .. they also fell very very hard for me. Now that I am mature and want to talk things in calm manner .. nah the bf would withdraw. Regardless of what males say. I think they do like it when females are emotional and loud
Men who aren’t worth their salt will be the ones leading others to perpetuate the idea that being with an emotionally unavailable/immature person should somehow be a common theme in the dating world.
When you hit 30+, you shouldn’t have to settle for someone who can’t mutually communicate, compromise or exercise emotional intelligence during arguments and to help work through things in a relationship.
When I was in lifeguard training years ago, the instructor told us that angry and unreasonable people will always (sometimes unintentionally) try to get a rise out of you in an argument. The best way to really get under the skin of those people is to remain calm and professional. Looking back, I’d amend that statement to say that it’s the best way to get under the skin of an immature person.
You’ve grown and gained a lot of wisdom over the years. Don’t stoop to their level or regress in how far you’ve come. You deserve better. Sometimes better takes a while to find, and that’s okay.
No idea, but I don’t have the energy to play games and kick up a stink, so I’ll stay with the calm and steady route even if it “doesn’t work”
I wish my past girlfriends were calm and understanding. Rational conversations to figure out disagreements and misunderstandings? Yes fucking please. Sounds like a bad streak on your end.
A mature man will meet you where you’re at. He will also communicate kindly and try to understand you. If he makes a mistake out of anger, he will own up to it and make amends.
An immature dude will act out because he doesn’t know how to express his feelings in a healthy way. Maybe he doesn’t even know how to identify his deeper feelings beyond surface level anger. He might even act out to see if he can get a rise out of you too, because it signals to him that you care if you fight back or chase after him. Super toxic stuff.
Bottom line, the dating pool is full of immature dudes and there’s a shortage of healthy, mature men. The latter get snagged quickly while the former get recycled back into the dating pool or never become healthy enough to find a stable relationship. I’m sure it’s true with women too.
Truly is like looking for a gem in a dumpster; you get dirt thrown on you just for being a part of the dating scene. Can relate. Let the assholes be the assholes, and leave them where they are. You keep being kind and understanding, and hopefully you’ll attract someone similar one of these days.
Absolutely not! It’s actually something I am looking for in a parter and value incredibly highly. Being able to fight is an important part of being able to communicate properly, and if you can’t communicate the relationship is doomed to fail eventually.
1) Being calm helps reinforce that it’s the two of you against an issue and that you’re still on the same side, and that it’s not you against your partner.
2) It helps with avoiding saying things you can never take back. In a heated yelling match people can say some messed up things to each other, and almost no one will have more ammunition to hurt you than a partner that knows your history and insecurities. Some of those wounds will never quite heal and can lead to an eventual breakup.
3) Being calm can help reinforce that this is a legitimate issue to be worked through together. It’s all too easy to write off the issue as part of being upset in the moment if it’s part of an emotional outburst. Example: “It’s not actually a big deal, he/she is just upset right now and it won’t bother him/her when he/she’s had a chance to calm down a bit”.
4) I think at least, it’s lower stress. People don’t think straight or make better decisions when under that kind of stress. It’s harder to admit your mistake or recognize that you need to change when it feels like it’s being forced upon you like that. And I don’t think it applies in this specific situation, but keeping that kind of conflict from reaching kids ears makes a difference.
5) It shows that you care and value your partner as a human being. That even though you have an issue, you can still treat them with a basic level of respect and compassion. You aren’t degrading them, or making them feel like “less than”. That’s hugely important.
So good for you for being able to communicate calmly and clearly what behaviour of theirs was an issue, how it made you feel, and how you wanted that behaviour to change going forward. It’s not easy, and it sucks that these two dingbats broke up with you shortly after, but that’s their loss. Please keep you’re head up and keep looking for someone who you can work through issues together and as part of a team. I promise you we exist
Some men prefer assholes, most don’t (just like women).
It sounds like you’ve done a lot of work on yourself and that’s really commendable, but imo you still have some work left to do if you don’t realize that the appropriate response to coming across a guy that prefers assholes isn’t to consider becoming an asshole, it’s to run in the opposite direction.
Some people enjoy the drama of fights in a relationship. Calm, healthy communication is so foreign they run. Others may get a rush of power if they can work you into a frenzy of emotion and get what they want.
Wow. Are you me? Ha. Ive wondered same
There’s lots of people that think behaving like reality TV is healthy and normal and never grow up. People like that ultimately won’t contribute anything positive to your life, run, don’t walk away from them.
Being able to express yourself in a healthy way is not a turn off.
Who gives a shit what they think? You sound great.
If they did not hear loud and clear that you were “hurt,” and react with appropriate compassion and concern, then the fault and the loss is theirs. Don’t change.
There’s a book called, “Why men marry the bitch”. It’s definitely a thing that men will chase the bitch… But is that really the type of foundation you’d like to have in a healthy relationship?
Once they cross boundaries, cut them. There’s no way these guys crossing boundaries is in any way your fault, unless you physically put their hand (dick) in their hand (vagina). Be ok being alone so there is no need to fix these losers. That is where your power will be and then you will find a quality man.
Playing games will get you game players. You’re better than that.
The more understanding and empathetic we become the more opportunities there are for people to try and use that for their own gain.
I’ve recently found someone who also shares the same emotional maturity level and reciprocates these things.
100% worth the wait.
Hell no. I hate drama
I think you’re handling it very mature. Reason why I broke up with my ex was simply because everything was a 0-100 off the bat. Not a chance to have logical conversation but moreso an emotional one which typically does not solve the root problem.
You’re probably looking at this the wrong way. If they’re crossing commonly held social boundaries with other women they’ve got one foot out before you guys are arguing.
However, that said I’m not on the let’s go OP train as much as the others here. Assuming you’re dating decent dudes it’s unlikely they’re gonna get turned off by a woman being calm and understanding.
Imho very likely that calm and understanding isn’t how it’s being interpreted. Entirely possible it’s coming off as say patronising, nonchalant, or even manipulative.
You dared two shitty guys in a row.
What you’re describing falling back into is a terrible relationship. You won’t find love there. You’ve worked on yourself. Don’t give it up for “finding love.” That’s not real. There are no they lived happily ever after things. It’s just work. You find someone who wants to do the work with you.
Uhhhh, I’m not a man, but please don’t do this. The way you treat people should be part of your standard for who you’d like to be in this world, NOT a conditional behavior to manipulate love or affection from another. I get that it can be frustrating and hurtful when you feel you’ve extended kindness and dignity to someone and they don’t reciprocate- especially when they should be very interested in responding in kind and ensuring they treat you respectfully. But that’s on them.
Men are not a monolith that only respond to certain traits in women. Some men can tolerate conflict, some cannot. Some men will chase unavailable people, some will not. Sometimes people can only engage in relational conflict if it reflects familiar past dysfunction. Attempting to figure out which of these it is, is pointless- that’s the other person’s work to do. If your previous behavior was successful and fulfilling to you, ensuring secure and loving relationships, I do not think you would have worked so hard to shift it. Lowering yourself and having your behavior follow suit will not support your growth. There are men out there that can meet you on your level- these dudes aren’t it. Lose your interest and their number. There are people out there that will be interested in open, compassionate dialogue around conflict.