Hey all, thank you for your great responses. I wanted to do a follow-up after posting my original question [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/vgui5f/ladies_how_long_does_it_take_for_you_to_know_if/).
So it’s been a few months since I spoke with Girl 1. Part of the reason I lost interest was that I didn’t see any signs of interest from her but she continued to come hang out. By this I mean, she’d want to take separate vehicles (even if i told her I’d pick her up) and she’d pretty much stay an arms length distance at all times (i.e waiting in line for a restaurant, walking etc.)
Well I have my answer and wanted to share with you all.
I decided to pop her a message and ask her why she’d hang out if she wasn’t interested. Short answer – she was interested but said I never made a move – she wanted me to be the one who initiated. I’m totally fine initiating, but the separate cars – arms length distance threw me off. In my opinion it’s a bit aggressive – if I offer a ride and a girl says she wants separate cars I’m not going to force it. Also, if she’s standing arms length away I take it as a sign of wanting space – again, a bit aggressive if I jump into someone’s bubble.
I guess everyone has their style… and I’ll take this as another learning opportunity as I continue to date.
6 comments
She’s probably not good at giving those subtle hints.
I had sort of a similar experience dating, and (in my personal situation at least) I think it may have something to do with anxiety or low self-confidence.
Personally, I’m not really sure what I would do differently. I find it difficult to be engaged or initiate things if the other person seems closed off, or as if they are keeping their distance. I agree with your conclusion that trying to initiate closeness seems a bit aggressive,
Personally, I gave it a couple of dates, but nothing really changed, and so I moved on.
Did you tell her she was being opaque or did you accept the blame for the lost potential connection? What did you learn?
That feels… manipulative to me.
As a woman, sure, I’m not going to crawl up a person I’m interested in. And I am going to look for signs that interest is mutual.
But I’m not going to put rules in place in my head that I don’t communicate and expect my date to have telepathy. Nor am I going to expect my date to act like a character out of a Disney animated movie from my childhood.
Romance novels can be fun light beach reading. I’ve read a few Regency Romances. I’ve even been to a Regency costume ball – lots of fun!
But I don’t expect a real live human in the everyday world to magically intuit that I need them to play the role of Mr. Darcy. Yeesh…
I understand boundaries but its takes too make things work, neither are mind readers… so ya.
Maybe it’s a self esteem issue or whatever, if you are like that then it’s still on you to meet half way even if you have to vocally communicate it.
If you’re shy, communicate that you are. goes for both sex’s. It lets the other person know how to interpret your body language and help find were you are comfortable.
Well done OP.
She’s probably wounded from men who treated her like trash when she reciprocated and showed interest and learned the best strategy is to be closed off