So me (30/M) and my fiancé (27/F) at the time we’re about to break up, but while she was trying to break it off I reminded her how I wanted everything we had ever dreamed of (kid, etc.) when I said that she kind of reconsidered and ended up agreeing to stay together. A week later she tells me she is pregnant. She was on the road a lot during the time that the alleged intercourse would have been… that she swears was with me. Problem is I could probably count on one hand how many times we were intimate within a 6 month window…. And I always pulled out…. So it just seemed odd to me. But nonetheless I manned up and did what I had to do. The last thing I wanted to do was try to deny a baby of her father. Well fast forward to 6 months post birth…..I did a discrete paternity test with a legitimate DNA testing site, just out of sheer curiosity… and I wanted to be 100% sure this beautiful child was mine. Well I got the results today
and they said 0% paternity. I have absolutely NO idea What I am to do now. I want to cry, and am just wishing the test was wrong… or contaminated, etc.”

The only true reason we were even still together was because of this child. We act as if we are roommates caring for a child. The spark has been gone for a while, and I assume the reason why I panicked when she originally tried to break up was simply out of complacency… which I acknowledged after having the time to think about all of my emotions.

She has been pushing to have another baby (it hasn’t even been 6 months) and no one knows that I know about the DNA of this child. I’m heart broken. I DID sign paternity (unmarried) because obviously I thought this child was mine and did not consider she cheated on me. I was led to believe it was mine and did all the “fatherly” things during pregnancy and birth. I feel so betrayed and upset. I am in a terrible position and I do feel like this was entrapment. She also acted really weird several times when stories of paternity disputes come across the TV (which kinda raised my suspicion).

This baby did not ask for this and that’s what upsets me the most. It just BREAKS me when I have to look at her face 🙁 But how would this affect my dating life moving forward? If I try to somehow fight and win partial custody of this child and help raise this child that isn’t mine (not to mention I would have to co-parent with her for 2 more decades)….. it sounds like an absolute disaster. And what about me moving forward with a possible future family? How would future women consider this? Would they look at this as “baggage”? That I am helping take care of another womens/man’s child?

Help. I don’t know what to do. No one knows and I just had to get it off my chest.

33 comments

  2. If I read this correctly. Im very very truly sorry. However you are also very lucky. You have 0 obligation to stay with her. You aren’t married, and it is not your child. Keep your stuff and get out and away.

  3. Definitely lawyer. If you legally admitted to paternity (signed BC) without a DNA test, then the courts will find you the father even if you aren’t biologically the father. You’re on the hook even if you two split.

    However, take it from me, my son is, 9, his mom and I were never together. She married, had 2 more kids, and we’re all a big family. Don’t stay with someone for a kid.

    And lastly, biology matters for family illnesses and Egyptian blood lines. It’s okay to be the dad to a kid that isn’t biologically yours.

  4. No matter what you decide, talk to a lawyer now. They will help you collect evidence, for however you want to proceed.

    Don’t delete anything. Document everything.
    Photos and videos are going to be your best friend.

    If you have someone to talk to that you trust, family or close friends. Find someone to help for when you can’t do it alone.

    Man to man, dude I am so sorry you are dealing with this. That’s a nightmare.

  5. Ok, first off….if your girl knew that there was a possibility that the child wasn’t yours… trust me she beat you to the discrete paternity test and she already knows it’s not yours. The reason I bring that up, if you did something stupid like try to get to court over custody, it’s a losing battle. You have no shot. The very first thing she’ll do is bring up the paternity test in court and it’s a wrap.

    The very next thing you should do before anything else is take a 2nd test with a different company. This is not something you make a decision on without being 1000% certain.

    If that test comes back negative again, dude cut your losses and bail. I know you think of the child, but dude your love for that child grew because you thought it was yours. It’s not, she slept with another man behind your back and got pregnant, most likely took a DNA test the first month of that baby’s life and has been lying to you for 5 months. Now she wants to trap you by having another baby? GET THE FUCK OUT!!!

    Seriously, you want the next 18 years of your life forced to deal with this person? Roommates is what you want your love life to be like? You have a golden opportunity to bail here and find a love life out there you deserve. Trust me…this isn’t the best you can get. You’re just scared of being alone so you stay in a shit relationship taking care of a woman that no longer loves you and a baby that isn’t even yours. I get the sentiment of leaving the child and feeling like you abandoned it…but its not your kid and it’s not your problem.

  6. First of all you have a big enough mess going on and you’re just going to make it worse if she gets pregnant again. I suspect she is pushing you because she KNOWS this child is not yours but the next one will keep you on the hook. I think she has played you all along and I have NO doubt she knew she was pregnant when she decided to stay. Announcing her pregnancy just one week after you decided to stay in the relationship is to Coincidental. I’m calling BS on this. She needed someone to support her and her baby and she found the right dumbass. Lastly, I say Dumbass because if you thinking pulling out is an effective form of birth control you ARE a dumbass. I keep thinking I’ve seen the stupidest of people but reading Reddit everyday contradicts this line of thinking.

  7. Paternity fraud is a way too common thing. That’s why I advise men to get a paternity test done before signing anything, and until then contesting any acknowledgement as the father.

    Whether you can do anything about it depends on the country/state you’re in. In any case, I’d get a good lawyer specializing in these cases because what you need right now is both legal counselling and someone who can help you see the road ahead a little more clearly.

  8. > This baby did not ask for this and that’s what upsets me the most. It just BREAKS me when I have to look at her face 🙁

    Yes, the baby didn’t ask for this, but the mother did.

    So far, you’ve been loving and taking care of the child because you were convinced that the child is yours. Now that you know that is not the case, things start becoming different. Even if you don’t want to admit to it, there’s a subtle shift in your mind about how you think of the child and how you think about the mother. And how much ever you try to hide it, it is likely it’ll show in your behavior and how you interact with the child and the mother.

    You need to talk to a really good lawyer to find out what your options are. Please have consultations with at least a couple of lawyers before deciding on one.

    Regarding cheating, People here (not just this sub-Reddit, but on many other sub-reddits as well) suggest not to stay together for the sake of the kids (that are biologically their own). In your case, the child is not biologically yours, you guys are not married and there’s no spark in the relationship anymore, as you mentioned. Then why are you wiling to put yourself through a lot of heartache and headache?

    On a different note, please start document everything that you’ve found and if you are having discussions, have a audio/video recorder running. She has been lying to your face for a long time. I wouldn’t put it past her to lie about you and make you out to be a bad guy/abuser etc. The recording likely may not be admissible in the courts, but that’ll help you have some evidence.

  9. I am very sorry that this happened to you bro. First thing you must do is to find a lawyer. Depending on your state you might be able to get out of signing of the birth certificate with the prove of DNA that you have obtained.

    That child is not and doesn’t have to be your responsibility financially or emotionally. This is on the mother to figure out ands if she wishes she can let the biological father be involved. Follow the legal course that your lawyer determines, I hope for the best.

    Edit: Do NOT let her trap you into the relationship, do not sleep with her and risk pregnancy. Cut her off, block her on everything. Discuss how best to move forward with your lawyer and try not to talk to her.

  10. >The only true reason we were even still together was because of this child. We act as if we are roommates caring for a child.

    This is a good reason why not to try and convince someone not to break up with you. You’re back in the same place as before, just worse off.

    You know what to do. Break up. You won’t get any custody. Worrying about future dating scenarios is not where your focus needs to be. You need to get through this breakup and the heal from it. It’s not baggage if you’ve dealt with what happened, understood your experience and how it happened, and come to a better place.

    That could take years. I wouldn’t jump right back into dating right away. And the fact that that’s your main concern makes me worried that you don’t know how to be single.

  11. Speak to a lawyer as soon as possible. No matter what you want to do (co-parenting or leave entirely) you **seriously** need to understand your rights and options here. I’m not super familiar with family law, especially not knowing where you live, but if I know anything it’s that you need to fully and thoroughly understand your legal options before ever starting a discussion with a co-parent.

    If you want to continue co-parenting there is very likely an option to stay in their life without needing to challenge it in court since you signed paternal paperwork (?) but I’m not sure if that takes precedence where you live over biological rights.

    If you do **not** want to continue being a father to this child you may have even less options since you signed some paperwork claiming paternity.

    Again, no matter what you actually want to do you **absolutely fucking have to speak to a lawyer.**

    **Get it done TODAY and meet someone ASAP.**

    The biggest regret you’ll ever have in life is either being forced into or out of a child’s life – you won’t be a good parent if you’re not committed and you will never forget it if you lose rights you want to hold on to.

    After you’ve grasped your legal options then speak to the mother, your partner, and put everything on the table. Outline your own options that you’ve looked into and that you’d like to separate (I’m assuming this is the only option for you two) and what you’d like to do going forward in regards to the child.

    Good luck. I hope it works out well <3

  12. Get off Reddit and get in touch with a lawyer to discuss your realistic options.

  13. If you’re in the United States, just leave her. Contact a lawyer on how to remove yourself from the birth certificate. It’s far from impossible just follow procedures. If she tries to sue for support you best believe you can request dna testing if you submit your reason for questioning paternity. You’ll be just fine she’s a piece of shit that knows she trapped you with someone else’s baby

  15. You have no moral obligation to stay. You’re going to meet with a lawyer to find out your legal obligations, and I wish you luck. This is your golden opportunity to get out and look for the life you deserve, not settle for the life she tried to trapped you into.

  16. The baby is little. She won’t remember you , but the longer you stay the harder the separation will be.
    Don’t breake the baby’s hard on the future but mostly do not ruined your life with the monster you have as a wife.

  18. Get a lawyer ASAP and try to have your name removed from the birth certificate or you will be legally financially responsible for a child that is not yours. You deserve so much more then that. She knew what she had done. She knew she was pregnant before and that is probably why she wanted to leave at first until you mentioned children. And now she is trying to get you to have another baby with her so quickly after the first??!? Yeah, she trapped you.

  19. *She was on the road a lot during the time that the alleged intercourse would have been… that she swears was with me. Problem is I could probably count on one hand how many times we were intimate within a 6 month window….* ***And I always pulled out…. So it just seemed odd to me. But nonetheless I manned up and did what I had to do.***

    &#x200B;

    Gentlemen do not let there ever be any doubt. Offending someone is less costly than raising a child that is not your own.

  21. If its really not your child wtf do you stay, she obviously doesn’t give a shit when she fucked some stranger. You will get over her eventually. Just makes me mad really.

  24. First up a second discrete test with another company to confirm what you know is true beyond doubt before you pull the pin on this grenade.

    Second, you are going to need legal advice, hopefully where you live will not enforce the loss of your bodily autonomy with 18 years indentured slavery for child support for a child that’s not yours….

    Thirdly, have no qualms about walking away from this, you have been gaslit and are currently talking like a stockholm syndrome hostage survivor about it.

    Fourthly, I am so sorry you have been shafted so cruelly like this. Sadly this isn’t uncommon in society and although it doesn’t help you, you are walking a well worn path out of this train wreck back into your life.

  25. NORMALIZE PATERNITY TESTING

    Dear fellow men, always ask a paternity test before signing anything, it’s simple, it’s cheap.

    Make sure you tell your partner that you want to do it before even thinking about having a baby so that they will not be able to act offended and if they complain too much anywa, you already know the answer of the test.

  26. I have heard before of tests getting mixed up so it might be a good idea to get another one with another company just to be sure. I’m not sure if this is good advice, I just wanted to mention it

  27. You sound such a very sweet , super caring , very thoughtful, a super decent person . You cant imagine how sorry and sad I am that it happened to you ;(sending you virtual hugs and hope you will be alright

  28. I know both genders do terrible things to each other

    But man, I’ve heard of way too many stories like this. This is awful to do to someone. I would have lost my mutha fuckin mind. Stay calm, lawyer up, and DO NOT take responsibility for this child. Baby mama needs to get the baby daddy. You deserve to have your own family one day.

  30. Lawyer up. FAST. Run don’t walk. STOP HAVING SEX WITH HER. Stop ejaculating inside the home or any common spaces with her in general. You can contest the paternity in court. Document everything.

  31. Get a lawyer and drop her. Women need to be held accountable for cheating and paternity fraud. The kid isn’t yours and the kid will suffer for it but that’s a burden the mother should bear alone.

  33. 1. She’s not your wife.
    2. She’s not your kid.
    3. They’re not your responsibility.
    4. Lawyer up.
    5. Leave.
    6. Reflect.
    7. Move on.
    8. Live your life.

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