So I (f28) decided recently that I’m bisexual, but I prefer men (always thought I was straight) I thought ‘I don’t need to have any sexual experiences with a woman to confirm that I’m bi, I am happy with that title but I want a relationship with a man’
Meet a guy, had one date which has gone well, both want to meet for a second date
My friend said to me, but if you get in a long term relationship, won’t you regret never trying anything with a woman. It hit me, I’d maybe never get that opportunity and maybe I should try it after all
I have now found a woman who is in a similar position to me and we’re thinking of meeting up
What do I say to the guy? Nothing because we’ve been on one date and I don’t owe him any explanations and we are not exclusive? I’d obviously mention I’m bi at some point. But the thing is, I pride myself on being an honest person, so I’d feel wrong hiding this information from him. I really don’t want to put him off and would rather not have the experience with a woman than mess this up…but then if it did go well, I may end up in a relationship and regret not trying things whilst I was single
Yes I should have got my experimenting out of the way before I started looking for a relationship, but I didn’t realise at the time. What do? 😬 would it put you off if you were dating someone and they explained they wanted an experience with a woman before they settled down? I know I will not end up wanting a relationship with women, as I only find them sexually attractive, not romantically, so it wouldn’t change anything between me and the guy
I also realise I could be over thinking this, and we could go on a second date and realise we’re not actually compatible, but so far it’s looking good 🙂 just want to do the right thing!
39 comments
You don’t owe him an explanation here. Both of you went on one date and neither of you had the talk about exclusivity (and I don’t support talking about exclusivity this early on). Go ahead and proceed with the date knowing you’re doing nothing wrong. Good luck!
You’re fine, you’ve only been on one date it could totally swing the other way and not work.
Until you are exclusive you don’t owe him any explanation. I would just ensure you are clean if you are hooking up with other people as well as him. With that said, I feel like most men would be okay with their Partner having a female to female hook up every once in a while. Not all men will be and whether they are okay with it or not, you should be communicating about it. Enjoy!
Hmm…if you don’t rly need sex with women and don’t want a ltr with a woman, then why do you need that title?
I mean, i get that you’d like to try something/have some experience with women, but then that seems more like you’re “bi curious”. Then again, maybe you are bi, it doesn’t rly matter.
Anyway,
If i was on your place, i would try to go with it before getting in a relationship with a guy. If not, then i would ditch the title cuz theres a difference between “I’m bi” and “I’m somewhat attracted to women as well, so i would like to have such experience”. Ofc, some guys may not mind either, but i believe that most would prefer to hear the second…which in your case is also the truth. If some guy have an issue with it anyway, then he’s just not a good match for you.
GHOOOOOOOOST
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Unless and until a conversation about exclusivity happens, I assume the other person is dating and sleeping with other people and I wouldn’t expect—or want—to hear about other than in the context of safe sex conversations. Would you tell this dude if you were seeing another man and slept with him?
I would like the girl to be honest. At the same time you’ll get either a positive or a negative reaction which could be telling about what kind of guy you’re actually dating.
Edit: It wouldn’t put me off
Me personally, I don’t speak for all men, wouldn’t care one way or the other. It’s really none of my business. Especially, only one date in. You don’t know, maybe he messing with other people too. The best advice I think is do what feels right. You will know if something feels wrong.
It’s only been one date so you don’t really owe anyone anything, however it could potentially turn some people off when things start leaning towards commitment.
Imagine the situation reversed and you’ll have half of your answer. Would you stop wanting to see him if he slept with someone else at this point? The other half is: would it be any of your business? Consider also if things fall apart with this guy and you didn’t go for it, will you be filled with regret?
There’s not going to be any moral absolution here. In my view it’s better to accept the gray area for what it is without trying to rationalize too much. If you wouldn’t be ok with him doing it then it’s wrong for you to do it full stop. But you *can* make that choice like an adult without setting up hypocritical standards that only apply to the other person.
Having said that… on this particular issue the times I’ve been with bi women I had zero issue with them seeing other women hypothetically because I just don’t feel threatened by that. It’s only a problem when the other woman gets territorial. Which is very likely to happen.
Up to you. I say go for it. You may hate the experience because she smells bad or something then it’s out of your system and you can move forward with this guy without wondering. If I were him and you told me something like that I’d be supportive and it wouldn’t effect anything at all.
Feels like someone should ask the inverse. As in ask women how they would respond if a man found out he was bi and wanted to have experiences with a man. I am rather curious.
Don’t worry about what would put some men off. Be who you are, and don’t change just to get a chance at appealing to a larger segment of men.
You don’t need everyone to like you. You need to find the people who like you for who you are.
Do what feels right but be open and honest with both of them so there’s no misunderstanding.
would it put me off? yes. i would say what you said, “why didn’t you get your experimentation out of the way before this?” it seems to communicate to that you do not know what you want.
**If you are monogamously inclined:** If the man is meant to be for you, thenyou won’t feel the need to even analyze this scenario. You will just want to be with him, for better or for worse. You’ll want sex with him, and only him. You’ll want to build a future with him, etc. It won’t even be a temptation, because it’ll feel so right and be so easy.
**If you are promiscuous/not so into monogamy:** Have all the sex you want, be upfront with your partner, and find a partner that is comfortable with your lifestyle. Stop overanalyzing and do what makes you happy. Let your heart and perineal region guide you.
You don’t have to announce you’re bi to people as a special thing. Especially if you’ve only been on one date with them. Would you tell them that you had a date with another man? Then why worry about mentioning about a date with another woman?
In the case you tell them that you are seeing other people (which a lot of people do and you want to be transparent) you can say that, but don’t worry about it being a woman or any other queer person.
If they react poorly, that tells you something about them so it’s still a win.
And about labels, you can have any label you want, don’t worry about anything, if it’s confusing queer is the the simplest label 🙂
27(M). Every one of these comments is probably some variation of “you don’t own anyone anything”
I would appreciate being told, I would probably end things there as I don’t want someone who isn’t sure about me, though the honesty would be a welcome change.
I’m HeteroFlexible
You are worrying too much too soon. Step by step. Day by day.
Nonono. You do NOT discuss any details of other dates before going exclusive. If you like, you can emphatically state you are dating others, but that’s it.
That said, when discussing longterm relationship stuff, covering your bisexuality would be a vital piece. Since you identify it as a sexual need only, you might also consider how monogamous you want an LTR to be – men are far less threatened by the idea of their partner having a “same sex hallpass” in general, so it might be possible to negotiate truly “having it all” if you’re upfront and honest about your wants.
Also consider if this is something you’d be interested exploring WITH a male partner – again, lots of possibilities there.
Also, for this guy in particular: give it TEN dates before you start thinking of a future together. Anything before that is hormones tricking you.
Lesbi honest, please
Tell him what’s on your mind. He may be more open-minded than you think.
Yall aren’t exclusive, and until you both reach an understanding as such, it’s fair game. I clarify relationship terms two dates in for this reason. If we’re exclusive. Cool, if you want options, also cool. Be an adult. Talk about it. That said, enjoy your new aspect of yourself that you’re learning about.
Iv lost relationships to women who suddenly desided they where gay and it hurt a lot tell him your bi tell him your thinking about trying and that you never agreed to be exclusive after the first date … i want to say he probably did
and if you are gay and get into something tell him at least once it wasn’t his fault this kind of thing screws a guy up trust me
No you don’t need to explain your sexuality after one date. You don’t even know if you will enjoy either person. So, hold your tongue for a hot minute
Also, great relationships are custom built and include trust and agreed upon terms-to be negotiated as you move ahead. You have nothing to negotiate with anyone about yet so keep it to yourself for now
maybe propose a threesome to both of them?
The girl I was seeing was bicurious and met a lesbian who she liked, when she told me everything I told her to go for it, I did not want to hold her back from learning about herself, were still friends and she knows she likes both.
Personally, as a bi-woman myself who has ALSO never had any sexual experiences with another woman, I would say you don’t need to worry much about this.
You have been on one-date with this guy… If he askes “are you seeing other people?” you can be honest and admit you’ve had a hook-up or two, or whatever. But you would only be “hiding” this information if he has REQUESTED you to tell him of any other sexual hook-ups you have. But I’m guessing he hasn’t, because that would be a little unusual to ask someone on a first date?
I would say, meet up with this woman if you want, if it does not conflict with any current plans you have. And continue seeing your guy.
If he asks to be exclusive, well you can have that conversation with him when the time comes.
And btw, it goes without saying: Sexual orientation does not have to be performative in order to be valid. You don’t need *experience points* to be a valid bisexual. 🙂
Knowing that the woman you’re seeing is holding you off because she “has to try out homosexual encounters” would be a huge turn off for a serious guy.
You don’t owe anything to anyone but please be aware your drive to explore your sexuality might get in the way of getting commitment from a man.
It wouldn’t be cheating but still a dealbreaker for many relationship minded people.
My past girlfriends were bi-curious as well and brought up having a threesome. This might be an option for you down the road.
“You up for a threesome”
He will say yes
Yes, if a woman was dating me and she decided to have sex with someone else, that’s a problem.
If you’re engaging in sex with other people, that should be disclosed so all parties involved can make INFORMED decisions. Not the exact details, just a general idea of what you’re doing so your partners can effectively perform a risk assessment. No one wants to get an STI and you’ll feel terrible if you accidentally gave one to someone else.
Honestly, it’s all just bad timing. Happens to everybody. We just don’t plan things out as much as we should. You really should have done this before ever considering going on dates. But, well shit, here we are now.
I think it’s best to talk to him. Explain the situation to him. If he’s fine with it, awesome, that’s bonus points. Higher probability that you two might be a good match. If he’s not okay with it, that’s fine too. I know it’s gonna suck at first, but it’s better in the long run. You can end things with him, do your experiments, and then go back out there to find the next guy to date.
This is all just what I personally think. It’s one piece of advice from one perspective. Get 100 or 1,000 other pieces of advice and then try to work out a solution that will work for you. Just try to be realistic about your expectations and the potential outcomes. Hope this helps. Be safe and have fun.
Unpopular opinion here but I think if you’re truly interested in someone you just don’t date/sleep with other people. And before y’all come at me with ‘they had just one date’, well in the worst scenario you realize after date 2 that this person is not your cup of tea and assuming you had 1 date per week, you didn’t talk/sleep with multiple people for two weeks… i mean come on
I found out one year into my marriage and 3 years into the relationship that my ex wife was “bi”. Being bi wasn’t the issue but the fact it wasn’t communicated and just assumed I could tell was a massive issue.
It quickly transitioned into the insecurity that she hadn’t had any experiences with women so what if she wanted to try that in the future? It caused issues.
So definitely be upfront to guys as soon as you decide to be exclusive and perhaps even before then. Being bi wouldn’t put me off. The lack of communication could.
Edited to add: trying an experience with a woman before settling down wouldn’t have been an issue in my relationship but it definitely can be if the relationship is not secure. It will depend on the men you’re involved with.
See this exact kind of thinking is why, as a guy, I avoid matching with people who call themselves bi. It’s nothing to do with you, but it’s inevitable complications come up since most people that are claiming to be queer these days are just curious after several years stuck inside 😐
In this situation, you haven’t made any commitments so you’re not in the wrong. However it does feel kind of cheap to be starting multiple relationships at the same time. Ultimately you’re going to have to choose, and there’s always more fish in the sea. It’s okay to not have experienced something and still be an ally.
Coming from the perspective of a man, having the desire to experiment around doesn’t exactly spell out “wife material”. Either you want to experiment around and have fun or you want something serious, you can’t have both
Here’s a couple points you might think about:
– does anyone owe another person an outline of their sexuality/sexual history/sexual fantasies on or after a first date?
– does experimenting with women necessarily have to mean not being able to have a relationship with a man? Some people are very open to ethical non-monogamy.
– is exclusivity expected soon into dating?
– what would you say/think if roles were reversed.
I encourage you to do what’s right for you. Listen to your gut, not just your brain’s fears