Hi all, So this is a new sort of a relationship for me (F26) and I think we might be heading to our first disagreement.
I am extremely disappointed over his actions but I don’t know how to communicate it to him in a healthy way. My brain instantly goes into a passive aggressive mode expecting him to read my mind. I can’t seem to wrap my mind on ‘Why would do that?’ And I expect justifications.
He’s the best guy I’ve met so far and I want do this right. Can I get some advice on how to communicate disappointments in the healthiest way possible and some Do’s and Don’ts would be helpful.
TL;DR: Need advice on healthy ways to communicate disappointments in a relationship, Do’s and Don’ts would be much appreciated.
2 comments
> I am extremely disappointed over his actions
> He’s the best guy I’ve met so far
Those two statements are pretty contradictory. How long have you been seeing this person? If his actions are extremely disappointing for you early on, you should take this information into account in order to gauge your long term compatibility. You should absolutely *not* take this as a challenge to fix him/change him into the kind of partner you envision.
Any hints as to what he did? Here are some hints from someone who’s generally fairly good at communication:
-Center yourself. Use I statements, say your actions make me feel like this, etc. You don’t go out saying ‘you’re a this and that means this’ or ‘you should obviously know that I don’t like this’ or, as you already mentioned, ‘you’ll figure this out’. Centering your feelings means that you’re being vulnerable and speaking from your perspective, the other ways are passive aggressive and instantly demeaning.
-From the mind-reading/figuring things out part, different people are just that, different. I am a fairly complicated dude with a lot of atypical ideas on life, dating, society, etc. If you expect me to act according to certain typical standards or to figure things out that average people do… whelp, we’re fucked. And relationships have died for me here. You want to leave open that he sees things differently from you and that you are trying to give him a different perspective, namely, yours.
-Do. Not. Assume. How the conversation is gonna go. You can have a plan, but a genuine conversation shouldn’t be predictable, because it’s being had by two people. If you’re listening as well, you should be open to being surprised by what you hear. Have an outline or an idea, but don’t get angry if it goes off script.
-Emphasize that you are coming to him with this vulnerably and openly because you trust him and believe in the strength of your relationship that will allow you to navigate disagreements and conflicts. Conflicts get people’s back up because they bring up negative feelings, but really, it’s only the strongest and healthiest couples that can navigate conflict without lasting resentment. Really, it’s the only way to be healthy because conflict is an unavoidable part of life. The best couples don’t avoid conflict, they resolve it with minimal drama, expansion, or prolongation.
-Try to have some solid reasoning or simple explanations for your perspective/what you’re feeling. The better you can anticipate why they don’t see things your way/understand why you’re feeling the way you do and explain it to them, the smoother things go.
I probably have more techniques that I usually use, but those are some big and obvious ones that came to me in the moment.