New account as my boyfriend knows my main.
We’ve been together coming up for 2 years now and I would have considered us a pretty vanilla couple compared to some. Last week when my boyfriend jumped in the shower he left his phone in our room and it buzzed with a couple of notifications, I assumed these were texts and if important I’d be able to shout them through the door so I checked his phone. This isn’t something I do especially often but we’ve always known each other’s passwords so didn’t feel like a big deal.
When I unlocked his phone it opened to anonymous browsing and a subreddit called r/gentlefemdom?
In the brief scroll I did before he came back I saw a lot stuff he’s never even spoken about let alone shown any interest in.
I’m really not sure what to do with all of this. I feel a bit hurt that this has come out of nowhere and that he hasn’t been able to bring it up to me.
As much as this is a surprise, I do have some experience in the past with a previous ex who was pretty dominant.
Over the last few days i have been thinking about it a lot and even taken a look at the subreddit again but honestly find it a bit overwhelming. Any advice?
30 comments
First off, not cool checking his personals like that. When you realised it wasn’t “important texts to shout” like you said, you should’ve stopped.
However, since you have done it, you need to tell him and be apologetic. You checked something that was his business, that he clearly did not intend to share, you feeling hurt by it is not appropriate. If you want to actually try this play with him that’s a good way to frame the discussion, admitting you’re sorry and then mentioning that you’re also into it.
Advice for the actual play comes after that, if he accepts the apology, and is open to considering this with you at this point.
Ultimately, you don’t need to do anything about it. If this is something he’s into, it’s up to him to bring it up (and it’s up to you whether you want to meet that desire or not). If anything, you might encourage him to open up about his kinks, fetishes, and desires—this could be a wonderful opportunity for the two of you to share and explore your needs more deeply.
It is important to note, not everything someone watches is something that person wants to do or experience himself specifically related to kinks.
r/gentlefemdom is more of a collection of memes and seller spam with a couple information texts. r/GentleDungeon has a lot more information and is actively modded.
There’s a lot of kinks associated with GFD that can be a real relationship killers if the partner isn’t kink positive. But, it’s a spectrum of stuff and people pick and choose what they find arrousing. For instance I love the role reversal, gently domination and butt stuff aspects. But I’m not that interested in the mommy dom or feminization.
I’d read up on the FAQ links in GentleDungeon. Decide if it’s something you are interested in doing. Have a long talk outside sexy time. Maybe start with a couple’s quiz like sexionnaire.com. Tell him you’re looking to try out some really spicy stuff. Have him fill out things he wants to try. You fill out things you’re willing to try.
Communicate what happened. Be open about reading it and apologize. But also use it as an opportunity to better communicate about what you both want in the bedroom
> I feel a bit hurt that this has come out of nowhere and that he hasn’t been able to bring it up to me
Imagine how hurt he’ll be when you tell him you broke his trust by snooping on his phone
As various people mentioned, just because u check out sth, doesn’t mean it’s your kink or you want to try it. I’ve checked out things like reddit about transporn but I’m not interested in trying it or fantasizing about it.
Opposed to other advices I wouldn’t directly adress it. Imo this could be kinda pressuring for your bf. I’d rather talk about spicing up things in general and maybe suggest testing out one of those sex fantasy tests, which show you what you’re both willing to try out.
>I feel a bit hurt that this has come out of nowhere and that he hasn’t been able to bring it up to me.
this is the type of kink that a lot of guys would not be comfortable telling their girlfriend, unless they were absolutely 100% sure she would take it well. it’s less about you, and more about cultural expectations of men.
they’re “supposed” to be masculine and dominant always, and not into kinks like power/control dynamic reversals. like somebody else wrote, some kinks can be relationship killers when it’s something their partner absolutely is not into.
and since you said you’re a fairly vanilla couple, it’s not surprising that he hasn’t shared it with you. it’s really sweet that your main goal is to make him feel safe enough to open up to you though, you sound like a nice and considerate person.
definitely look into taking the [BDSM test](https://bdsmtest.org/) with your guy sometime when you’ve started talking about both of your kinks. best of luck!
Don’t snoop on your loved ones phone or browsers.
Best advice. Deal with reality as it is presented by your trusted partner. If it is something they want to bring up, they will. Often. That which we are interested in is not something that is necessarily something to be interested to act on.
Sorry to say but you placed this stress upon yourself.
The best thing you can do is make sure he knows you’re game to try whatever interests him. If there’s a kink you haven’t brought up, maybe now’s the time. And if he’s open to that, you can encourage him to share what he’s into as well.
But remember that sometimes people get off in private to things that they don’t actually want to experience in real life.
If he hasn’t brought it up, it may simply be because he doesn’t feel safe or comfortable enough to do so. That’s not anyone’s fault, but it’s hard to come forward to your partner with things you enjoy, especially those that are against masculine stereotypes, like Gentle Femdom can often be.
That said, consider looking at the subreddit more frequently to see if it’s something you would enjoy as well. Being a Gentle Femdom isn’t about being “super dominant” neccasarily, at least to me. It’s about creating an environment where your partner can feel that they can give total control to you.
i d definitely ignore it and pretend you never saw it. then causally over time probe him on his fantasies and see if you can get it out of him naturally.
A Lot of people have fantasies they ultimately don’t feel the need to indulge in irl, it might be something he feels aroused by when enjoying himself, though.
Just because he browsses this sub doesn’t mean he is into it. He can just be curious.
You don’t need to bring it up.
If you don’t think he is going to be freaked out that you were on his phone, just tell him.
Chose a time when you’re both relaxed and have a little while to talk, and let him know what you saw. Tell him you found it to be a bit overwhelming, but that you understand that not everything on a reddit that he was browsing is something he necessarily is into.
Ask him to join you in a more open conversation about the kinds of sex you are interested in having together, and see if there are some things that you both might be interested in.
My bf is very vanilla irl but I bet if I looked at his porn searches, they’d be a lot more kinky. I’ve seen it stated on before on Reddit that some people’s fantasy is very different than their reality and that they don’t prefer one over the other.
As others have suggested, maybe ask him about his kinks and see if he’ll open up.
Not all kinks are things you actually want to do and are simply fantasies.
For example; I am very kinky and I think knife play and blood play are extremely hot however I would never actually do it myself and would probably get freaked out to actually try it. However I’m still more than happy to look up stuff on it .
Everyone here has made great comments about him being hesitant to tell you because of how it would be possibly be perceived (rightly or wrongly) by yourself.
He may very well have no intention to ever include it into the bedroom. However if you wanted and were open to it sometimes the ‘gentle’ part is the key here. A bit of light hair pulling, affirmations and a bit of teasing during sex can go a long way to those into the kink.
It doesn’t have to be chains and spankings. Most often folks into this want the power exchange to reflect the way they see their partner, powerful and in control, yet encouraging and supportive.
Reading about, fantasising about or watching a particular sexual activity doesn’t necessarily indicate a desire to do it or talk about it. Best course of action here is to stop shipping and forget about it
Talk to him? That’s usually how these things go. At least it’s gentle lol
As others have stated, just because he was looking it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s something he actively wants to do.
I mean, haven’t you ever been curious about something?
Knowing that you accidentally happened upon his curious search on his phone and found something that he was simply learning more about would be embarrassing to be confronted about. 😳
You’re better off keeping this to yourself I think.
Now if *you* would like to explore some things outside of your usual line up, I don’t think he would mind a conversation about that 🙂 and knowing that you’re just as curious about trying something might make him feel more comfortable about such topics with you! 🙂
Unlocked his phone without him knowing? Oh yeah thats a good sign…
anonymously my ass. don’t want to find out.. don’t look. that’s on you
you having experience with an ex that was dominant is nothing like being dominant to him.. femdom being you being the one in charge.. For a lot of guys (especially the more macho ones) it’s really hard to admit that they have submissive thoughts because our society says that’s wrong, especially if they want anal play which our society says is gay.. which it’s not, especially if you’re dreaming of a woman doing it to you..
I’d definitely talk to him about it, apologize but let him know he can talk to you about anything he’s into, and you should do the same with him. Communication is the key to any relationship and you should be open about your kinks and not worried about it. And I can tell you from first hand experience, a big toy inside a guy is life changing.. There’s NOTHING like feeling full and squeezing down on a toy (especially a vibrator) as you cum, it’ll make him shoot harder than ever.. And even if he just wants tied up and to do orgasm denial/edging or whatever.. there’s nothing like letting a woman take control of your pleasure I’m sure.. Can’t wait to get to someday.
why don’t you suggest you do one of those online questionnaires where you both say what you are interested in but it never gets seen unless the other person is also interested. be honest and then you can really see where you can both go.
>Any advice?
Yeah. Stop snooping.
LOL you were going to shout his messages to him in the shower. Riiiight.
If it IS something he’s into.. then he’s into the idea of You being in control. But that could mean a lot of different things.
Definitely don’t feel hurt though.. as everyone’s kinks typically evolve over time.
Like some others have said, he might have just ended up there by random. On the other hand, maybe he’s not too sure what to make of it yet.
I second the advice about encouraging a fetish/kink discussion.. but don’t think about it too hard… Just have fun with it!
Side note. If you use the term “gentlefemdom” when talking to him – he’ll probably assume you know about the reddit 😄
Good luck 🌹
I’m a female and part of the femdom community. Femdom means female domination, and you’d be in the lead. It’s called Gentle for a reason. Unlike the actual Femdom, Gentle Femdom is pain-free, no harsh punishment, and no humiliation. It’s full of love. It’s about pampering and caring. Please, do not take the subreddit for real. It’s, sadly, full of unwanted hentai pictures… But sometimes you can find cute stories there.
If your boyfriend is into GFD, I believe it was one of his biggest wishes to tell you about his kink. Why didn’t he tell you? Well. When you’re into femdom, it’s difficult to come out. In our society men are considered to be “naturally” dominant and women “naturally” submissive.
If a woman says to a man she’s dominant, the reaction is (I experienced these by myself):
* gaslighting
* denying because “female’s can’t be dominant”
* “ah, okay?” then ignore it and think I’ll change
If a man says to a woman he’s submissive, the reaction is:
* being mocked, laughed at
* she will feel disgusted
* “ew, you’re such a pervert!”
Yeah, the pressure is big for submissive men so they’re afraid of losing their partner if they tell her. My male friend is afraid of falling in love because of his kink too. That’s why your boyfriend might not have opened up to you about it, yet. There are two options which I have in my head right now:
1. You can talk with him about what happened and take some time to absorb the information.
2. Or you can keep it for yourself (only for now) and absorb the information. Then read more about Gentle Femdom and try some subtle moves to see his reaction (e.g. give him a big spoon, tell him to put his head on your thighs and pat him, tease him – my favorite, hahaha).
I used to think BDSM is horrible, brutal, scary. But no. Definitely not all the parts. It actually is fun and playful if everything’s done right. I wish you good luck so it ends up well. If you will bee willing to give it a chance, this page is well-written [https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-be-dominant](https://badgirlsbible.com/how-to-be-dominant)
It is hard for a guy to approach someone about wanting to be dominated. I would not even bring it up, read She Comes First and look up some female led relationship stuff and ease into it without telling him you know and see if you like it but be gentle as it is hard to admit and can be a great thing for both of you.
I think this an ok secret for your partner to keep and you shouldn’t bring it up because you shouldn’t have gone through his phone.