Sorry, this might be a bit long but I really need outside perspective to know what the right thing to do is.
I’m 26F living in the US for the last 10 years now. I don’t have a great relationship with my dad and it’s been pretty toxic. My dad works in Dubai but he goes home to the PH often to see my grandma and that side of the family. He blocks me a lot of times (for drinking with my friends at the club, when I first dated my now fiancé, etc) because he’s very conservative. That and his side of the family (my aunts, uncles, cousins) only seem to remember me too when they need something. They really don’t like me since I was a child because I look too much like my mom (my parents are annulled).
Anyway, my aunt and uncle who have been caring for my grandma suddenly reached out to me. My grandma died very recently but prior to this, I was NC from them for 3 years. My life has honestly been peaceful since then and I have a great relationship with my step-dad, my moms side of the family, and my fiancés family.
With my grandma being gone now, my aunt and uncle are suddenly messaging me asking for money to support them. My aunt was adopted and that side of the family (dad side) has always been poor. My dad is their breadwinner and he always said that he’s gonna stop sending money to that family once my grandma is gone because he really only cared for my grandma.
I *feel* like I’m being asked to continue the monetary support that my dad (who doesn’t talk to me) has been doing for decades. To their defense, my aunt and uncle took care of me and my brother during our summers in high school but my mom always paid them whenever that happened.
I feel guilty because I feel like I have some kind of obligation to take care of them because they did take care of us for a bit in the Philippines. They took care of my grandma for majority of their lives so they didn’t really have jobs or anything on their record to help them with finding a job.
I’m extremely conflicted on what to do. Should I send them money and pay back what they did for us? I’m also scared of this opening doors to other family members to ask me for money.
Tldr: should I send money to my uncle and aunt in the Philippines now that my dad won’t financially support them?
3 comments
>I feel like I’m being asked to continue the monetary support that my dad (who doesn’t talk to me) has been doing for decades.
I think you’re right.
>To their defense, my aunt and uncle took care of me and my brother during our summers in high school but my mom always paid them whenever that happened.
How is this any kind of mitigation? They were paid to look after you and your brother, why would you think that it makes it any more acceptable for them to beg you for money decades later because of that? People shouldn’t do favours for family members if the only reason they’re doing them is to expect retrospective paybacks years later.
>I’m extremely conflicted on what to do. Should I send them money and pay back what they did for us?
Can you afford to give them any money? Would it inconvenience you or delay your own plans to do whatever else with your money?
>I’m also scared of this opening doors to other family members to ask me for money.
Well if your dad has been single handedly supporting that side of the family (may I ask why? Isn’t there a single person amongst them who’s capable of going out and getting a job other than him?) and he’s now ended that support, it seems like a foregone conclusion that they’re going to ask somebody else who *is* in a position to keep giving them money. That doesn’t mean that you’re obliged to, though. If the only reason these family members get in touch with you is because of the money they want, that would make me feel even less inclined to help them out, because they quite obviously don’t give a shit about you. They just want your dough.
They only seem to remember you when they need something? You aren’t family to them, you’re someone they can attempt to guilt in getting money from. If life has been better without them, don’t put yourself in a situation of getting involved with them again.
No. You are not obligated to take care of family members in a different country. They made their choices and now have to face the consequences