I’ve become friends with a coworker, and for the past few months the amount I’ve thought about this girl, makes me think I’m crushing on them.
I’ve seen some other posts on her about crushing on a coworker and letting it fizzle out, but this one has been lingering and I’m feeling guilty about it.
A bit of backstory/details. I’m in a long term relationship, 7 years, engaged, and very happy with my SO. We are both in our late 20s. My SO is kind, beautiful, etc etc… I love the time I spend with her, she’s my best friend. I’m very happy with how we are.
For the past few months I’ve had a coworker that I can’t shake from my head. Now we are back in the office and on the same team, we are talking more and getting to know eachother. This girl is also very kind, beautiful, etc etc… She’s also very thoughtful and will go out of her way to do things for me (pick up treats, coffee, etc.) Or ask things about myself (family, friends, hobbies). We are very similar people with similar values and interests. I would say I do care for her, and speaking to her does bring joy. I’ve been on the friendlier side of things at times, flirting in hindsight.
It’s at a point now where I get excited to go into work and see her. I would also almost consider her a good friend too. And it’s made me feel pretty shitty/guilty for my SO. My SO knows of my coworker and thinks she’s really nice, but doesn’t like the idea of us talking, or know we’re closer than she realizes.
My SO does get jealous if girls talk to me, and part of that is why I don’t have any female friends who aren’t a mutual friend between us or dating one of our friends. I haven’t had any intent of cheating, but keeping this friendship a secret feels like emotionally cheating.
Do I tell my coworker and SO my feelings? Do I let it fizzle out?
Tldr; in a relationship, but can’t get coworker out of my head.
3 comments
Excited to go to work and see her? Aren’t you already emotionally cheating?
You are already emotionally cheating and you should *definitely not* tell the coworker about your feelings.
What you *should* do is cut back on your contact to the bear minimum needed for work and tell your gf you guys need to work on your emotional intimacy within the rs, because you’ve catched feelings for coworker and want to get rid of them. At least, if you want to protect and maintain your rs with gf
The way you describe your fiancé comes across a bit perfunctory. Like.. I don’t know. I’m probably reading into it, but it felt like you felt you had to describe her that way before getting to what you actually wanted to describe: your infatuation with your coworker.
To be honest, your brief description of the coworker sounds like incredibly normal things for friends or coworkers to do with each other.
However, you are attaching romantic interest to it. From your description, she sounds like she’s being a normal, nice and friendly person who has met a potential new friend.
Now I’m gonna be honest with you. I find what you are doing to be pretty shitty. And you know it’s shitty too, otherwise you wouldn’t be here. The girl sounds like she’s acting like a friend. Cool. But you, in a committed relationship, with someone who trusts you enough that they agreed to marry you, who has stuck by you for years through good and bad times, who actually knows you and not the image or front you have on when you meet someone new, who knows what you’re like when you are at your best AND at your worst and still loves you….
That person. You are currently choosing to try and cheat on her. I know you don’t think that right now, but you are. You are currently lying to her and sneaking around (“closer than she realizes”). You openly admit to flirting with her.
Right now, you have already done things that show that you are willing to lie, obfuscate, and hide things from your fiancé just because you felt you wanted it or deserved it. It sounds a little blown out of proportion right now, but trust me. This is a path you have started down, and one you are further down than you realize.
Honest question: if your coworker leaned in to kiss you randomly, how would you react?
I think you probably already know the answer.
So, to be blunt. You need to man up. Seriously. Be an adult. Make a conscious decision to distance yourself from the coworker because, again not to be mean but to be blunt in the interest of problem solving, you are too weak to be around temptation. Your post screams that you would cheat and lie to your fiancé — mostly because you are already flirting and cheating and lying about it to your fiancé. Just not to the complete extent yet.
Or break up with your fiancé. Because while you are over here, romanticizing about some new strange in your life, you are on the verge of completely disrespecting, lying, and devastating another person who has proven over years their dedication and feelings for you. And this is how you repay them.
Relationships aren’t easy all the time. Bad ones need to be left. Good ones need to be nurtured.