This is really freakin embarrassing to post, but here it goes.
To start, I (20F) grew up in an \*extremely\* religious and conservative household and community. I knew that sex was a thing back from “sex ed” during middle school (I’m assuming that’s what it’s called usually? Basically around the age of 13), which was just a half an hour talk about \*why NOT to have sex\* and \*practicing abstinence until marriage\*. Literally, that was it. I was never taught safe sex because that was not even something I should ever worry about (because, hey, you wait, you get married, have kids, yay..).
Well, obviously, as I grew up I had… urges. I never talk about it much and I hid it irl. To be completely honest, I masturbate (…a lot, embarrassing to say, but yes). I can only mention that fact online, where I thankfully found out that I’m not actually the weird sex-obsessed maniac I thought I was. Other than that, I’m still a virgin. I’ve never inserted more than 1 finger in me, fearing that I’d “taint” myself (that’s actually a term my circle uses for losing your v-card outside of marriage lol).
I have a boyfriend (20M) of almost 4 years now, and yes, we have talked far and wide about boundaries. He clearly desires sex with me, I expressed that I was adventurous enough to try anything other than penetrative sex (even if that, is too much according to what I’ve been taught, but I don’t mind breaking the rules a little), and he was very understanding about it, he’s willing to wait for me. The furthest thing we’ve gone is making out on the bed, some undressing and some groping (basically, foreplay), but I stopped it somewhere in the middle because I was too scared we might be going too far. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to have such a thoughtful and patient partner who respects me as much as he does, but that’s beside the point.
As I mentioned, I crave sex too, and It’s been 3.5 years since we had that talk, and honestly, I’m starting to waver. This past year, all I could think about is sex, I’m still kind of scared about it, but it’s incredibly distracting and it’s genuinely taking a toll on me. I’ve researched methods of contraception, and the only viable one that I would be able to get my hands on are condoms; anything else my parents would find out about, would be the death of me.
I’ve talked to my bf about this, he says that it’s completely up to me to decide, and he won’t comment much because he doesn’t want to ever pressure me into reaching one conclusion over the other. I know I sound like a pathetic little girl opening up like this lmao – I know that not all contraceptions are 100% either, so if I end up wanting to go through with it, would it even be worth the risk? Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Has abstinence until marriage ever worked out for anyone here? (Again, sorry if this question has been previously discussed, or if it’s a stupid question in general \^\^;)
32 comments
Does it work out sometimes? Sure. Does it backfire sometimes when people find out they aren’t sexually compatible? Yes.
If you go the contraceptive route you might want to use condoms plus a spermicide.
How can you buy a car without having a test drive first? Perfect recipe for disaster. Or how can you buy a house without seeing it first? Religion is just a way to control/brainwash the masses. There is nothing wrong with masturbation or being sexually active.
There are ways to have safe responsible sex. Not saying waiting until marriage is right or wrong, but it does seem to me at least to be naive. Whos to say your sexual personality will be the same as your spouse. Better to find out now than be in a relationship where sex is something you don’t want it to be and then either live in misery or seek a divorce.
I’d also argue that the notion of no sex until marriage in your small religious town is a myth. Quite likely, your parents and grandparents did it, they just didn’t talk about it. The quiet church wife, she’s into leather and restraints. The recent retirees and empty nesters, they went on a swingers cruise this past spring. The pastor? He likes to be pegged and dress up in school girl outfits.
Point is don’t let others define what is appropriate for you, your body and relationships. NOBODY but YOU and YOU ALONE should be making these decisions. There are potential consequences with either path, be informed and you pick.
There’s no set rule!
Do what pleases you!!!
Don’t do anything that you’d regret!!
You have to make the choice that’s right for you! Personally I didn’t wait but that doesn’t mean you can’t. I would do what feels right for you and your bf. And make sure you use protection!
What about your boyfriend? Is he as conservative as you are about sex?
I think it’s very important to try out things sexually before marriage to make sure you’re sexually compatible. Also what if there’s not a connection during sex?
There is nothing wrong with masturbation, I’m fact a good self love routine is good for one’s self. Also while abstinence before marriage can work, I believe an important and often over looked factor in long term relationships is assessing sexual compatibility. Even if sex isn’t the most important thing to you or in your relationship, if one of you is left feeling unsatisfied after a decade maybe two, it will cause friction. There are many who have left relationships or marriages for this same reason. Keep in mind, you and you alone get to set your own morals and values. There is a whole plethora of happy and religious people out there who have had sex prior to marriage and learned to enjoy themselves while walking in step with God. Best wishes
Id say it’s very respectable for people to have strength against temptation. If you want to be like most people, do what most people do, but if you like that you have a unique strength about you, keep being yourself. It’s hard to be yourself when the whole world wants you to be this or that.
I couldn’t do it. What if they suck at it? What if they are super prudish.
Im 100 percent positive it HAS worked out for some.
I was raised the same way, but I had no intention of waiting. There are no benefits to it as far as I can tell.
Waiting till marriage has worked for people. Better? Who knows. I dont think so.
Also, its worth pointing out that actually waiting till marriage is very rare even in communities where it’s expected. Some people do it successfully but not even close to a majority.
I grew up evangelical. I ‘dated with intention’. We got engaged when we started college because we were going to two different schools. Although we had planned to wait for marriage we also didn’t want to get married until one of us was done with school so we could live together. We ended up deciding to have an early honeymoon since we were engaged, it would be years until we could be married and we had only ever kissed each other so really the marriage was going to happen for sure. We started dating when I was fifteen. We got engaged when I was eighteen. Our families knew each other. We went to church together. By the time I was twenty I was having regular breakdowns before visits because I knew his hands would be on my constantly. If we went to a movie his hand would be under my shirt. If we went out with friends to eat he’d be pawing at my leg under the table. He went from being supportive of my life goals to suggesting I drop out so we could get married sooner and I was legitimately considering it because I was so broken down that my hope was if he could have regular sex then our relationship could be more than that again. Thankfully when I suggested this plan to my sister she told me that it was insane that I was considering marrying someone I didn’t even really like as a person anymore in the hopes that our broken relationship would be less terrible in the future. So yes for many people it works out to wait. For many it does not because they have serious incompatibilities that only become known once they add that element to their lives. The real question is for you. Do you want to have sex? Would you want to have sex even if it ends up not working out?
there is nothing wrong about waiting. all the things that make up a good relationship are the same things that will make for a healthy sex life. communication, trust, compromise, respect, wanting to make them happy, accepting yourself as you are, and consistency. make sure those things are in place. a good rule of thumb about sex is if you can’t talk to your partner about something you shouldn’t be doing it. if you read through this subreddit 2/3 of the posts can be answered with talk to your partner and just because it is not normal doesn’t mean there is something wrong.
Being very honest, first you are very normal in many ways, I was raised in a very conservative family as well. I have good girl friends thst shares a lot of things to me and one waited to have sex when married. Ok, for her it’s fine but after some years married now she is questioning herself if this is what sex is supposed to be. She can’t compare it. Other also waited to be married and she is ok with it, never asked herself about it. So you may be happy but you may have this issues in your mind. I would take a risk and tell you what I may think but… better ask you first how do you feel having sex with only one man in your life? Is it ok for you?
OP, I noticed in one of your replies that you didn’t know what spermicide is, and that makes me think you might find some solid sex ed helpful. [This article](https://mashable.com/article/online-sex-ed-resources) links to some good resources. BC is especially important for you if, as I’d guess from your post, you live in one of the women-as-fetus-incubators states. [Speaking of](https://www.mahotline.org/) …
Something else to think about: What qualifies as sex, and what is a “virgin”? Penis-in-vagina is only one kind of sex, and “virginity” as a concept is all about the sexual control of women under patriarchy (that’s an oversimplified phrasing, by miles, but what it boils down to).
Your BF sounds like a very decent guy. I hope you’re both enjoying yourselves plenty and will continue to do so!
I think that the most important downside from abstinence until marriage is that it sounds like it excludes you from getting to know yourself as a sexual human being. (Of course I don’t want to apply here that this is the case for everyone).
One thing my therapist thought me that I will never forget is how much your sexuality is a part of your own identity. Never would I have thought this would be such a huge topic when starting sex therapy. I got to know myself so much more by understanding and owning my own sexuality. It has made me a better person and therefore a better partner.
Exploring your own sexuality is extremely important to get to know and understand yourself better.
Maybe start very little by not even thinking about sex and the actual deed but by starting to learn something about sexuality in general. And if it seems to interests you and feels good then maybe start exploring a bit with it and see where it ends you up with. There are no wrongs here. In this way it’s always a win. Whatever decision you end up with is a good one because you can stand behind for your own good reasons. You know now for yourself why you make the decision you make. That’s the most important thing.
A book I can recommend to really get to know what sexuality means is Come as you are by Emily Nagoski. She has a nice podcast and some TEDx talks as well.
I was taught the same thing, and until a couple months ago I thought I would save sex for marriage. Until I met a guy who completely changed my mind. Our chemistry was unreal and I knew if I said no I would regret it for the rest of my life. He was so understanding and never pressured me. I struggled with it a lot at first, and even now I sometimes feel like I’ve let my parents and siblings down, but I have no regrets. You’re the person who has to live with your decisions, and you need to do what feels right for you.
Same. I could have written this when I was 20.
I don’t think the waiting until marriage actually impacts much.
My parents waited. Got married when they were super young. They’ve been together for 30+ years. But it’s not like that’s BECAUSE they waited. They’ve had huge fights. Tough times. They stayed married because they were committed to each other. Every fight, they chose to work it out. Every tough time, they chose to go through it together.
Jessica Simpson famously waited until marriage. They got divorced a few years later.
I was raised as you, so when I met my bf that I loved, we were like yes! Marriage! So we can have sex! Yay! Stuff was moving along quickly. We’d been together 4 months and were discussing marriage.
Then I just was like, pause. Maybe we should wait. I was only rushing into marriage because I wanted to have sex, and that struck me as a terrible reason. So instead, we just had sex. Two and a half years later, I realized he was a liar, cheater, and a manipulator.
Breaking up is way easier than going through a divorce. Cheaper, too.
On that note, your first does not have to be your last. I stuck with my ex way longer than I should have because I’d had the notion that “well in God’s eyes, we’re married.” nah. Don’t be afraid to leave if they’re not the person you thought or begin to treat you poorly.
Yes. But I think it is a rare an special thing when you can wait, and the relationship actually works out.
I come from a strong religious background and family. I have literally hundreds of immediate and extended family members that I know personally. The divorce rate within my family is less than 5%. (As in less than 10 people who have gotten divorces out of 200 or so that I personally know about.)
I (41M) and my wife (37F) have been married 18 years, and have 5 kids. We have a great relationship and sex life.
My parents have been married for 46 years. I have a very open and candid relationship with my father, so I know that they abstained from sex until marriage. I have at least one set of grandparents that abstained until marriage and were married for over 50 years before my grandfather passed away. And I have an aunt and uncle that have been married for 25 years that also abstained.
However, I know of many, many more that did not wait. And yet, the majority of them still have had successful, long term marriages. While most of them did not abstain, they did wait for a good while into their relationships before they began having sex.
My point is that, to answer your title question: yes, it can happen. But it is difficult and rare. Sometimes people wait and find out they don’t like each other once the sex becomes regular. Sometimes you just really like a person when the sex is new and fresh. Once the hormones calm down, you find out what they are really like.
I also understand the stigma of “premartial sex” put on by your family. It can feel like a noose when you’re young and horny. It certainly did for me. However, I also believed that it was worth waiting on someone that I really felt like I could share my life with before I started having sex with them. For mine and my wife’s case, we had a very short engagement (3 months). Once we we were sure, we didn’t waste time.
I have a couple of kids in their late teens. And while I wish for them to have something like their mother and I have, I do not plan to try to instill some sense of religious guilt or shame into their lives if they can’t wait. In my mind, the guilt and shame is the worst. If I have to guilt or shame them into doing something a certain way, then it’s because the reason is bad or because I’m a bad teacher.
Waiting for marriage is like blindly buying a random car from a dealer and hoping for the best.
Sure it will work out sometimes, but if sex is at all important to you it’s a terrible idea.
There’s no reason to not test drive it first, see if it would fit your life etc.
Life is to short for bad sex, and if you’re not planning on getting a divorce 40+ years of bad sex isn’t something I’d risk.
Have sex safely, there’s no reason not to.
I only know a few couples that waited till marriage, and all of them are dysfunctional ten years on.
It’s worth remembering that “saving” yourself for marriage can often be a convenient way to cover up major personality red flags for some people.
Not for me, but a friend of mine married his high school GF and they didn’t sleep together until the wedding night. So I can and does happen and that is the first time I’ve heard of it from someone I know.
I mean my wife and I didn’t have sex Bedford marriage with each other but we were not virgins. No regrets,.
Just ask Anna Duggar.
Excuse the spelling on the cellphone.
Short answer…..worked for my wife and I.
Allowed us (mainly me) to.be ultra adventurous in aex and use my imagination..and bc none of us was the wiser we’ve been blissful ever since(dated 2007-2012) marrried in 2012(10 years in counting!)
Ok ….long story
Worked out for my wife and I. But boy oh boy was it hard. Married in june 2012..just hit ten years..and we dated for 5 years prior while i was finishing college and earning my commission into the army reserves.
We both came from a religious family…her a bit more to the exteme than mines. My family was all about “you deciding if this path is for you” (christianity speaking) so, i had my natural rebelious phases..and college party phases…her family on the other hand…sheltered her and her brothers and sisters…we actually met at bday party i was playing the piano at..kind of a laid back jazz vibe that one the pastors of the church i was playing for was celebrating his bday. His navy buddy was the father of my future wife (circa 2006/2007).
He was very protective of his daughter
…he knew he had something special in his daughter…my wife is athletic built (slim thick in todays lingo) 5’8 light caramel complexion with green eyes. For a brotha!(spelling intentional) she was 11/10.
Fast forward to her and i dating and she is just so innocent…kissing was off the table, touching was off the table for the first 2 years. Her pops is hovering over us like we arent in our freaking 20s until finallly him and i talk and i mention to him we are adults and he has to let us be..(which his wife agreed)…he proceeds to say you only want my daughter for her booty….(couldnt lie lol) but honeslty we make it past the convo and he and i become cloae …
He starts to suggest that we dont get too close dating ..bc he knows his daughter is a little sheltered and her 1st real real long term relationship we test both of ours commitmment for abstinence.
Its like 2010 and her and i are in full swing she spending the night at my dorm im spending the weekend at her apt…she went straight into the workforce agter H.S…..and we def almost did it..but everytime we got close either i got scared or she did….and we were so inexperienced we didnt even think to use condoms or whatever. So if i’d put it in …id probably instantly bust a nut and would have pribably altered our trajectory.
Happy to answer questions lol…i graduated and within 6mo of my college graduation i proposed, had a wedding and she moved in and the rest is history….but good god it was tough.
I will say, we were heavily influenced by our religious upbringing…it waa a huge stressor in the early stages of iur relationship. While i am still very much a Christian my wife and i have gad and still have perodic talks about what we will do when our children become that age.
Bc it certainly stressed us out that we wanted love each other and show manifestation of that through intimacy…but we had that lingering thought. We couldve just eloped while i was in college but that was definitely a no go for my family at the time.
Why are you not married to this guy?
I am grateful that we didn’t wait because it turns out that we didn’t have great physical chemistry.
We fell deeply in love and were together for 7 years. We were best friends and intellectually compatible. We decided that we didn’t want to wait until marriage and lost our respective virginity to each other at 21. Sex wasn’t great. And, it didn’t get better. We honestly didn’t have physical chemistry and that broke my heart. We ultimately broke up at age 25.
I met my now-fiance a year later and wowza! The fireworks! Our physical chemistry is off the chart. I still miss the connection that I had with my first love, but I’m thankful that we explored the physical side of our relationship before marriage.
Terrible idea… sex is so vital to a long lasting relationship. What if u wait, and the sex is terrible?
I just want to offer you https://www.scarleteen.com/ as an invaluable sex ed resource.
Waiting until marriage is idiotic. How many people buy a car without test driving it first? The test drive is to show you whether or not you’ll be comfortable driving this car.
May I ask what country or state you’re from ?