Hi all,Throwaway because I am extremely ashamed of myself that I got caught up on this situation, I am really just looking for feedback so I can hopefully not repeat this same mistake:
Brief background: Met a guy OLD, felt an instant spark with him right away which seemed mutual. We kept in touch after our first date when he went out of town for Xmas, and the next time we met up was at his place and he invited me to stay over. I initially had apprehensions but I really liked him and it seemed mutual so why not … he said something to the effect of, “When you know, you know,” when I said it was fast for me, but he seemed genuine and I do genuinely think I am a catch so I was thrilled that someone else could see that …
After this, we pretty much stayed in constant contact – texting throughout the day, sending me messages and such on different platforms and seemingly very enthusiastic about “us” “I’m excited to see you again, I miss your energy already” etc – he started calling me “Baby” within a couple of weeks and about a month after meeting we went out of town for the weekend on a ski trip in a neighboring state (his idea!). Throughout this time, I would try to pump the breaks a little bit and give him an opportunity to affirm that his feelings were real – Example: he made a comment about how we should hang out as much as possible over the summer, to which I replied, “That sounds great, I sure hope we are still hanging out this summer!” And similar throughout our time together – while also having conversations about what our expectations are in a partner, the things we are looking for etc.
After our weekend together, there was a noticeable shift in his energy toward me, which he blamed on work, then blamed on a ex-wife ringing up and “Getting in his head” etc. He went no-contact with me for a weekend after saying he needed space, didn’t respond to any follow up questions and ignored my call – which really triggered me as I had a feeling he was ghosting and this has happened many times over … so I unfollowed him on social as a definite trauma response to his behavior and a way to feel like I had some control over the situation, which I admit is pretty petty.
He resurfaced a few days later saying he didn’t want to end things with me outright, but my unfollowing him made that decision easy for him … initially he said the way he was feeling had nothing to do with me, that he was having fun and enjoyed my company, then he later said I was too insecure and referenced my above mentioned pumping-of-the-brakes because we were moving too fast for me to feel safe, stating he wanted to be with someone who didn’t second guess his love …
So, I am having mixed feelings about this. On one hand, I feel that someone who genuinely liked me and thought I was relationship potential, enough to talk about the future and plan trips with me, would be a bit less callous with my feelings and would be willing to talk about our concerns. On the other I feel like I genuinely sabotaged this situation by allowing my trauma response to take the wheel for a couple of days … And I am also wondering if I just got sucked in a lovebombing / devalue / discard cycle which has happened on more than one occasion in my past. It’s really hard for me to discern what is genuine excitement and what is toxic, and trying to tease that out is apparently why he broke it off with me?
We eventually spoke on the phone, wherein I got really mixed messages from him and was told “I can’t reciprocate your feelings right now.”
Before anyone says it, I do not plan on re-engaging with this person in any capacity. I did write an email explaining and apologizing for my trauma response (I am in therapy and a support group for recovery) but aside from that, I recognize this is a toxic situation for me to be in regardless who is “at fault”. I am just trying to learn from this situation so I don’t repeat …
EDIT: Thank you all so much for the kind words and reality-oriented responses. I have had several unhealthy and abusive relationships (one ended in his suicide, even) throughout my life that have caused me to completely shutdown from pursuing intimacy for many years, so this was a really painful setback for me – thank you all for not letting me take complete ownership over this. I acknowledge that I am still healing and still have work to do, and part of that is reaching out for support from others. Thanks again.
32 comments
You did not self sabotage. You also do not need to explain or apologize. This has the makings of love bombing all over it. Reflect and learn. Your intuition was saying something was off and it was too fast but you pushed past that feeling. In the future, I would listen to that feeling and set more boundaries. For someone with a similar history, I would have been out of this situation the minute my mention of slowing things down was met with invalidation and more love bombing. That would have been the application of learning for me.
So I can see how receiving comments like “if we’re still hanging out then” on repeat could be kinda demoralizing, but ex-wife getting in head, non-com weekend, can’t handle his love second guessed when you’re like a month and a half in? This dude clearly has issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you.
As for what to do to make it better next time. It seems like you know. Go slow, communicate honestly, and if you can, try to be more confident in yourself. You are a catch and the person you wind up with should see it and show that they respect you long before they start hitting you with the love stuff. Best of luck in the future and I’m sorry this dude was such a dud.
Nope. This guys got some thing to work out whether he realizes it or not. This is not on you. And it’s a frankly disrespectful to go no contact with someone you’re dating and not tell them why.
You recognized him moving too fast and that’s something to celebrate. Onward!
He can’t reciprocate YOUR feelings right now? After pummeling you with stuff like “when you know you know” and future talking 6 months in the future? That’s rich. I’m sorry this happened to you OP. Your trauma response was a much needed defense mechanism and you shouldn’t apologize for it. The extreme oscillation of heavy adoration to then going no contact is really unhealthy behavior and would trigger almost anyone.
I recently went through something like this and I was really upset that I let myself get sucked into love bombing again. I’ve learned that the best way to protect yourself is ask yourself, does he really know me well enough to say these things and feel this way about me? Almost always the answer is no when it comes to heavy praise and adoration like this. It does feel so good to hear, like finally someone sees what a catch you are, but often when this happens it’s behavior and praise that’s generic and can be dished out to anyone.
If you feel like it’s too much too soon, it is. That’s your intuition being like “hey, watch out, something isn’t adding up here”. Situations like this teach you to listen to that niggling voice. The behavior starts becoming easier to spot once you recognize that it’s not personal. If someone is obsessing over you like that after a couple weeks, you can bet that’s how they’re treating most other women in that same time frame.
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What do you mean by “trauma response”? Why not “trauma avoidance”?
And what do you mean by “trauma”?
Lol, I dated a guy over the summer. On our second meeting (not even sure I’d call it a date), he offered to take me to a show he had tickets for that was in FIVE months. Ongoing during our time together, he’d talk about stuff in the future, and I’d respond, “yeah, if we’re still seeing each other”, to which he’d get mildly offended.
Well… he ended up getting engaged to his ex, THEN dumping me.
This guy sounds emotionally unregulated. You tried to reach out for clarification on what he meant by “needing space”. He failed to communicate what that meant and what he needed from you.
Deleting him from social media wasn’t an over reaction IMO. In this day an agr of ghosting, it’s more reasonable than not to assume that you’ve been ghosted if you’ve been talking to someone consistently for weeks and they suddenly stop responding.
My rule of thumb when dating is to not let yourself behave in a way that’s going to make your feel regret one way or another after the fact.
I don’t think you you did anything wrong OP. You were consistent in your behavior, he wasn’t.
Also it’s a red flag when someone automatically wants your love and trust without demonstrating that they’re safe and responsible enough to get it.
It all sounds like a lot.
This manipulative behavior right here stands out the most, amongst other things:
He resurfaced a few days later saying he didn’t want to end things with me outright, but my unfollowing him made that decision easy for him … initially he said the way he was feeling had nothing to do with me, that he was having fun and enjoyed my company, then he later said I was too insecure and referenced my above mentioned pumping-of-the-brakes because we were moving too fast for me to feel safe, stating he wanted to be with someone who didn’t second guess his love
I think he lied about some things to get what he wanted initially.
Quick chemistry is a gamble. I had two long healthy relationships that started off very intense. I’ve also been burned other times. That means the spark is really just meaningless other than it feels good and fucks your judgment.
Best you can do is stick to your boundaries and get better at recovery
No I think you were right to feel the way you did. It seems a little sus that we went no contact after your weekend together, then it was work’s fault, then his ex’s fault, and conveniently when you unfollowed him on social, it became your fault and the reason for the break up.
Everyone else is the scapegoat except for himself. There was something within himself that wasn’t right and caused his behavior. I agree that it does sound like the lovebombing, devalue, discard cycle.
What you described is an absolute rollercoaster of actions and words from this guy that made your intuition scream.
His actions were all over the shop and you did not self sabotage at all. You listened to your gut and did the right thing. That man needs to work on himself before getting in the dating pool.
This isn’t your fault. He sounds like he has too many issues that he needs to work through himself. Something about his behavior reminds me of my ex (not in a good way). Don’t beat yourself over this.
He established a certain type of communication and set expectations and then went silent without much of an explanation. You didn’t do anything wrong. He seems unstable, can’t regulate his emotions or manage his relationships/communicate in a mature adult way. Sounds like he does and says things in the moment without thinking twice. You don’t owe him to sit around waiting when HE wants to communicate. I think your instincts are correct and I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it.
He wants a fuck buddy not a relationship. If you don’t want that, time to go.
I don’t necessarily think you acted perfectly here – like for example, if I indicated wanting to make future plans with someone and they hit me with “IF we’re still talking,” I’d take that as a pretty clear signal that they’re not very into me. And if that’s how you felt, then it’s ok to say. But I get the sense that you didn’t mean it as a deferred rejection, which is how some people might take it.
HOWEVER, that’s a very minor nitpick compared to the guy’s pretty wild bad behavior. Really doesn’t even compare. I don’t even know where to start. Nah, man. Hell nah. Zero of that.
Remember: Other people may lie to you, your head may lie to you, your heart may lie to you, but your gut will *never* lie to you. Trust your gut no matter what any other organ or person tells you.
It sounds like you have some significant trauma, so you might have difficulty distinguishing your brain (trauma) from your gut (intuition) sometimes. But if you take a step back, meditate, journal, talk things through with trusted family and friends, etc., you can figure out where the alarm bells are coming from. I suspect your gut told you from the beginning that something wasn’t right with this guy. You convinced yourself the message was coming from your brain/trauma because you didn’t want to believe it, but if you’re honest with yourself, I bet you knew deep down it wasn’t that. If so, I say good for you. Your gut is doing its job. Just give yourself permission to listen next time and you’ll be ok.
Ninja edit: Please don’t take this as invalidating your feelings, but I don’t see anything for you to feel ashamed of. You’re in therapy to deal with your own issues, you made an effort to forge a genuine connection with another person while still protecting yourself, and when you could no longer deny that this isn’t the guy for you, you accepted it and are doing what’s right for you by moving on, even though it hurts. These are the healthiest and most mature things anyone can do! I’m proud of you! And if you had a sister or friend who did that, I think you’d be proud of her, too. Never underestimate the power of being your own friend. If you’d have compassion for a friend, you can have it for yourself, too.
I mean, you both could brush up on your communication skills and read about nonviolent communication. But him jumping to “you’re so insecure” when you set boundaries when he wants space because he wants someone who never doubts him in spite of his varying behavior is ridiculous.
That is just so many prepositions. It’s not supposed to be this hard.
Give him all the space in the world. I suspect he will be back. Do with that what you will.
I’m gonna say both… it sounds like you dodged a bullet, but you were also self sabotaging while you did it. Not that it would have saved the relationship or anything because he obviously has stuff he needs to work on.. but moving forward, if you like a guy there’s no need to keep throwing your doubts into the mix, and the random unfollowing on social media to make a point… c’mon… the digital silent treatment??
A good way to dispose of people is to show them they’re disposable.
I see red flags from both sides, for sure.
And for you not to attract these types, takes a lot of self love so you can be clear on your boundaries.
Setting boundaries right away will help discard HIS type right away. And the other thing that I’m seeing is that you need better coping skills—you’ll learn these in therapy.
The unfriending thing definitely shows you’ve been through some trauma, which can rear it’s head as emotional immaturity, but the good news is that learning some coping skills, you’ll be able to talk yourself through situations such as these, to make good choices, talking yourself down off the ledge so to speak.
Also, I do want to mention that if your guy is saying something to you that doesn’t feel right, then it’s probably right and you should listen 🙂
This absolutely sounds like love bombing, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Almost always when there is that instant, intense connection and it feels like you’ve known the person forever it is because they have a cluster B disorder and are love bombing and personality mirroring. The experience can really mess you up so that you end up feeling like there’s no connection when you date a neurotypical person.
You didn’t overreact or self sabotage. This sounds like a classic case of Avoidant Attachment. They start off strong, almost like a more genuine version of love bombing. But eventually it catches up to them. Things start to get real and they panic and shut down. They start needing space and things get weird pretty quickly. There isn’t a lot you can do about it, especially if your Attachment style clashes with his. I went through this with my most recent ex. I tried so hard to make things work, but in the end, they are the ones that have to put in that work to be more emotionally available and consistent. It’s incredibly painful and I allowed myself to stay in that situation for far longer than I should have. You need to do some soul searching and decide how long you’re willing to go through this and how secure you can be with it. In a lot of cases it’s just better to part ways before things get too serious. A lot depends on his level of self awareness.
You unfollowing him had nothing to do with his decision. He had already made it, and wanted to be able to blame it on you to alleviate himself of some guilt and responsibility.
I wouldnt mind betting the ex wife isnt so ex, and he got cold feet and didnt know how to communicate it. I highly doubt it’s anything at all to do with you, or that you could have done anything to lead to a different outcome here.
Please dont beat yourself up about the unfollowing. You did that because you already felt confused and anxious, and confusion in a relationship is not a good sign. I honestly think you need to run and not look back. We have all seen this scenario play out many times, and he is not the right guy for you. He sounds like a lovebombing, gaslighting dick.
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As much as you think you sabotaged things,
this is most likely a sign of emotional shock and grief rather than rational thoughts.
We are irrational beings, who use rationalizations all the time especially when we are hurt and in shock.
The separation and the way it happened is a shock, and its human to be hurt, irrational and to grief the loss.
There will be time for clarity, but priority now is to listen and identify emotions, and patterns
Anger and frustration, denial, depression, bargaining can cause people to take things personally, blame themselves, doubt themselves, feel guilty and ashamed of their response, feel disgusting, feel depressed, or seeking answers playing detective to find out what was the exact cause of things going wrong.
Focus now is to first identify your feelings, acknowledge them, write them down, see how you react to them, share them, be kind and compassionate to this deserving human that is living them that is you, let go of guilt and shame and slowly build up to acceptance.
Later on, laaaater on, when time passes, when emotional stability is re established clarity will come naturally and effortlessly, without you seeking the answers, its fascinating how time and distance to events shifts your perspective, its like looking at objects from a plane, before takeoff and after flying, its the same object but looks so different
You dodged a bullet. Consider yourself lucky. This sounded like a beginning of a narcissistic abuse. He found another source.
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Source: I have 3 friends who have described the beginning of abusive relationship as similar to yours. It’s fine to be infatuated with someone and texting constantly, but if he’s saying shit like he loves you 2-3 weeks in, followed up with (“I know this is too soon” or “this sounds ridiculous”) or something to that extent that is just the beginning and you did not miss out.
You seem to have a high EQ and a good understanding of yourself. You even tried to follow your gut, which is what you should always do!
He was making flakey comments and planting seeds of doubt WHILE lovebombing you, which is unstable behaviour and mixed signals on his part… Don’t feel shame or blame yourself, just thank the universe that this is not the guy for you. Keep putting yourself out there! x
He is basically gaslighting you into thinking you fucked up. I also would have unfollowed him if he ignored me for days like that. He love bombed you and then discarded you. This was not in your control.
Yes, seek therapy, but do it so that you can say no earlier to men like these. Stop thinking that you need therapy because you unfollowed him. Unfollowing him and cutting him lose was a good response. You actually felt that he was toxic and instead of getting desperate for him, you cut him lose. He probably hated this and wanted you to feel bad about it. But please don’t. If anything, cut him lose even more!!!
100% narcissist. He love bombed you, rushed the relationship, made you feel like you were super special and it was the real deal and then discarded you. The worst part is that he then made out that it was because of your issues. So not cool. That sandwiching of emotions…he doesn’t want to end things but you unfollowing him has forced his hand…is classic textbook narcissist behaviour. Okay you reacted a bit to the situation but tbh he made that happen. If he hadn’t been an ass hat and gone cold on you then you wouldn’t have unfollowed his social media. Narcissist’s do not understand consequences and will use the situation to make you seem that you are being unreasonable. You dodged a bullet there, could’ve been much worse and gone on longer. If it seems too good to be true it usually is. People don’t fall in love like a Disney movie, it takes time. If it’s rushed it’s not real
I don’t know, I’m going to get slightly against the gist and say you probably both imput healthy and toxic behaviours here.
The way you described “pumping the brakes” doesn’t honestly seem healthy to me. If you want to say “slow down”, do so in a constructive way, not in a “if we still hang out” way, but rather, for instance, “that would be a great idea, but I still need time to see wheret this is going at the moment, okay?”
And the same time, he seems a LITTLE overboard but at the same time… it’s completely normal that people fall in love after a few weeks. FROM WHAT I READ it doesn’t really seem like a lovebombing thing to me but rather like someone just falling in love with you in a rather “standard” way – but maybe I oversaw something or don’t know enough, that could also be the case.
I also understand that he’d say “he wanted to be with someone who didn’t second guess his love”. Of course he does. It’s normal that when you meet a new person and are really excited about that person, you don’t want everything to be questioned.
The explanation I currently have is that he seems like someone who’s able to really bond and to have noticed that you weren’t able, so he backed off. That’s *not* a “lovebomb/devaluing” thing but someone able to connect who notices that the other person isn’t. “Devaluing” would mean being insulting, mean, rude, from what I read he wasn’t being that. “I can’t reciprocate your feelings right now” is not devaluing, discarding or toxic, but a mature way to communicate what he feels.
THAT BEING SAID, I wasn’t there so maybe my assumptions are off, too. This is just the feeling that I got. If you comment something that goes against my current assumptions, or why you think they’re wrong, please do! Maybe I oversaw something or don’t know something enough. I’m just explaining my current assumptions based on what I read but I may be wrong.
I don’t know. I don’t read much into things and just go with the flow, if they want space I give them space, if they don’t I don’t.
Don’t overthink things because analyzing the reason why people do x or y is borderline impossible.
He tested your boundaries right from the start and you did what he wanted instead of what was best for you. Your gut was telling you all along this wasn’t a good idea (hence your hesitancy), but you pushed that down and complied with what he wanted (codependent behavior). People will treat you the way you allow them to. You showed him from the very beginning that you would allow him to disrespect you. You deserve better, so make sure people treat you better by listening to yourself and putting yourself first.
This happened to me last January 2021 and has been on my mind since! It’s really hard, and I have moved on, but it really taught me to list out my needs and boundaries up front. I’m physically incapable of going too fast now, and I have developed the opposite problem…going too slow. But it feels a lot better to not rush, to have time to think about it.
I often think about the guy that love-bombed me–because I’m really not 100% sure if it as love-bombing, or what. I wondered if I had self sabotaged too. If I had to do it again, I would write a list of boundaries and preferences on paper and somehow communicate them over and over. I guess writing them down and referencing them feels like it would directly combat my potential delusion in the moment. I mean, just some pragmatic antidote to ground the haziness of the situation. If it felt right, I might even give him a copy of the list. Personally, I really appreciate when people are totally upfront, I have a hard time reading between the lines so I would love a list from someone lol. It’s like creating structure upfront to contain all of the nice exciting feelings safely.
I think whatever “hook” he had on me was something he saw in me from day one. And I think communicating that I had insight, intentions and specific needs, would in a sense communicate that I’m not open to be manipulated. He might lose interest but it would save me a lot of confusion. Maybe he wouldn’t have tried to love bomb me if he saw more of my internal process.